Cell Phones

Holy Christ - I have a lot say here. Cell phones are a convenience - but goddammit they are annoying. People in airports just assume that I give a fuck about them and their agenda, "NO MARCY'S GONNA HAVE TO FILL IN, THIS FLIGHT IS DELAYED AND WE WON'T MAKE IT OUT ON TIME. OH THAT? WELL IT STILL BURNS QUITE A BIT WHEN I PISS BUT THE CREAM SHOULD CLEAR THAT UP." Shut the fuck up - god. No effort to control volume or content.

I will admit when I drive I talk on my cell phone sometimes. I can say - without hesitation - it makes me a worse driver. For one thing you can't turn your head one way - for another it takes your focus away from driving. People on cell phones drive like total shitheads (I mean above and beyond their normal bullshit). In New York state it is against the law to drive while talking on a cell phone. This law has made no change in public behavior and people break it ALL the time.

Cell phones at work are the worst thing ever. Some jack-hole always leaves their cell phone on the desk so I have to listen to the Star Wars theme in MIDI at 85 decibels because they left their phone on the desk. Or - God forbid - they answer and just start yelling to the person on the other end. The final (and perhaps worst offense was brought up to me by John today). The conference room cell phone ring. Someone is droning on at the front of the room and suddenly the CHIPs theme is blaring. Every (except the person who has the ringing phone) moves a little bit to ensure they are not the asshole. Finally after about the 3rd ring everyone is able to triagulate the oblivious dick. "Hey Sphen, is that you man?" Then he is all surprised - "oh shit - I thought I turned this off." I swear to christ I will cockslap the next motherfucker who does this.

* Note - Star Wars and CHIPs would actually be really cool ring tones. Substitue something stupid in there (like William Huang).

How to get a man

I have no idea how to get a woman. I asked mine to the prom and that worked out - but I have no idea how to approach an adult woman. However, I am a guy - and I know what we like. If you are a woman - put on some glasses (like horn-rimmed librarian type ones). Ummm and like a grey suit (a feminine one). Okay - then have your hair pulled up in a bun in the back and hold it with pencils. At any time you want a guy just pull the pencil out and move your head back and forth a few times to unleash the fullness of your hair.

That's it. Guys are defenseless to this tactic. You will attract all males in a 2 mile radius. So be careful with this new superpower. I know guys are reading this right now saying - yep that would work.

Me vs. the peanut M&M

So I spend most of my blogging life trying to make chicks think that I am funny and dateable. Then if things don't work out with the wife I've got some shit lined up on the side. To this end I will mercilessly kiss the ass of any woman who posts here. So let's get that shit rolling. Toren (who is awesome) recently wrote a post about almost getting killed by a Cheeto (tm). I have a similar story. It is the story of how I fell in love with the wife.(oh just a heads up to those reading the first paragraph - no way I am cheating on the wife - she is way better than you - that is why I married her. That and the story that follows).I have been with the wife for like 14 years. But *really* early on - like in the first few weeks that we were dating - we went to a high school football game together. (right we're high school sweethearts ... awwwwww). I am renowned for eating *really* fast. I can do this because I chew my food sparingly and swallow whatever sized chunk of unchewed food is in there. So at this game I am eating peanut M&Ms. I pop one in my mouth and think, "I can swallow this whole I bet" (I would lose this bet). The confection lodged part way down my throat. <> [internal monologue] "This is not fucking good. Okay, let's stay cool. Okay - it got down that far it must be able to get back out. Try to cough." I tried to cough - nothing happens. "Okay, the wife is going to think you are a total knob if she figures out you are choking. Man up you p**sy and swallow it.!!" I try desperately to swallow.... nothing. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!! Do I tap her on the shoulder? Goddammit!!" At this point I fall to me knees. I don't have the oxygen requried to stand. The wife assess the situation and determines I am choking. Does she call for help? NO! Does she do the Hymlich? NO! She punches me. Hard. In the back. I immediately puke the hapless candy out (along with other "stuff"). I stand back up and she kisses me!!! She kisses me!! I puked like 3 seconds ago and she kissed me!! I should have proposed on the fucking spot - I didn't - but I knew she was the one.

Poison Ivy is contageous.

It is - so you can just fuck off John. That's it.

Tabernacle

John coined term "tabernacle" to describe his safe place to "go" in our building. There are 3 bathrooms on our floor and they are all pretty high traffic - finding a safe haven is key to surviving the work dump. I have my place - but will give no details here. I don't want anyone else going there.

Besides shitty drivers - I think my biggest gripe in life is public restrooms. I have had this angry fire burning in my stomach for years. It is perfect for a post - but I have refrained. My fear is that I will miss some detail about stuff that pisses me off and when I realize it - I will be more pissed off. But it is time. I am going to give it my best. [okay - I have to split this into 2 posts - my urinal bit is running long]

Urinals

• These are a great idea. For the times you don't want to sit in other people's VD - you can stand in a puddle of their piss.
• Even numbered urnials should *never* be used. So if there are 3 urinals - and #1 and #3 are taken. Just hang back for a minute. Don't wedge yourself in there. (exception - football games, Halftime is only so long)
• At my office - there are 3 urinals. The one on the left is "low" (like for all of the little kids at my office?) Anyway - people avoid that one. Fine avoid it - but use the one on the right!!! These idiots always go to the middle one. Great. You just monopolized a whole row of urinals - because I don't want to be that close to you.
• The divider walls at my work are pathetic - just pathetic. The come out from the wall about 6 inches. They don't go to the floor and they don't go all the way up to your eyes. WTF? What are they divding?
• Urinals are not a spitoon - lets keep the hocking of lugies to a minimum please
• Ice in urinals. Women may not be aware of this - but some establishments put ice in there. It is... awesome!!! You get to pee and have fun melting things. I give this a thumbs up.
• Newspaper above urinal. YES!!! Do this. BUT the even numbered urinals should have no newspaper - just a sign that says "if you can read this - you're probably gay"
• Urinal cakes - hey could you make these smell any nastier? Do women know what urinal cakes are? When would they have occasion to see them?
• Sensor flush is a nice touch. Sometimes there is fluid on the handle. Now that could be a leaky pipe - or condensation - but it could be other stuff too. I ain't taking any chances here.
• here I sit - feeling incomplete - knowing I forgot something.... Oh well. time to hit the "Publish Post" button.
  

Some shit I don't want you to know (part 2)

Hygene
I don't wash my legs. I mean I wash "between" them and I wash my feet - but I don't wash my legs proper. If they are dirty I will, wash them but I figure they spend all day under my pants - it's clean in there - my legs don't sweat. Also - the soap from the upper parts sorta rolls by that area - I'm thinkin' that will cover it.

I haven't combed or brushed my hair since high school. In the morning I just dry it with a towel - (a guy using a blow dryer better be shrink wrapping something) then I whip some gel in my hair and sort of moosh it around. I'm married - I don't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore.

Not really hygene - but I don't iron. Ironing is fucking stupid and pointless. Again - I am married and don't care what people think, plus I am an I.T. dork and wrinkles are what people expect. "I.T. guys" in suits are fucking salesmen - don't be fooled. If a guy shows up in jeans and a StarTrek Convention TShirt - that's yer boy.

I sleep as God intended. Draw your own conclusions.


Habits
I am so fucking obsessed with punctuality it is ridiculous. For example someone will say, well lets try to show up *around* 4pm. Suddenly it is my life's mission to be there before 4pm. See to me - 4pm would be late. I need to plan, what if there is traffic, or an accident - or a suicide? You have to plan. Sometimes I will go to the airport 2 days early - just to be sure.

I can type fast but I don't use the method they teach you in school. I just have fingers randomly flying all over the keyboard. (naked - that's how I sleep - in case you were wondering... from before)

Chocolate Chips - after dinner I always eat a handful of chocolate chips - not sure when this started. But it is a nice pallet cleanser - and it will probably kill me slower than cigarettes (but maybe not)

Video Games - I see no time in my life I won't be playing games. I have been playing games since I could sit up (Atari 2600) and I never want to stop. Killing shit is so totally underrated by adults.

Some shit I don't want you to know (part 1)

There are certain things that people do that are "cool". Maybe people just do them as a matter of their daily lives - or maybe they do them just to fit in. Well, I have never been much of a conformist (so help me if someone corrects my spelling I will go ape-shit).

Mood altering drugs:
I didn't drink in highschool. Pretty much everyone did - but I didn't do it. I wasn't trying to make a statement - just didn't want to do it. My first drinking experience was Freshman year of college. I had told my floormates I'd only drink if my girlfriend was around (figuring that wouldn't happen). Well, she visited one weekend and the odometer on my liver went from 000000.0 to like 000012.7. Just FYI - the odometer flipped this year while tailgating for a Browns game.

I don't drink coffee. Coffee *really* pisses me off. America - listen - you have a problem - you are fucking addicted to coffee. No beverage is worth $3.50 unless it is loaded with alcohol.

I hit a joint once. My roomates smoked pot more than I breathed air but I never got into it. At a party, once, I did one hit so that the novelty of trying to get me to do it would go away. I felt nothing - however, I did a hit of nitrous the same night and was **completely** shit-housed. Nitrous has to slaughter brain cells and be very bad for you - but it was an interesting experience.

Shows and Movies

There are certain shows and movies that everyone watches and talks about. The list is long and I always forget them until a group of people is talking about them or uses a quote that I totally miss. I will start with a doozy

Cheers - I never watched Cheers. I mean I know the characters name's and that stuff but I never got into it. Admiting this in highschool would have been like wearing a shirt that said "Puppies - all of the sex and none of the complaining"

Fraser - Same deal - never watched it. Sorry America.

Everybody Loves Raymond - "Everybody"????? oh perhaps my ballot had a hanging chad or something - cause I don't love him and have never watched his show.

Animal House - nope never seen it (I want to). I think in the 60's this would have gotten me investigated by Joseph McCarthy as an "anti-American Activity".

I know there are others (I am tired) - whenever they come up people are always like, "You've NEVER seen xxx? Come on - you've seen it! You know it has the part...." Shit like that.

Blog-SPAM

Umm... WTF? I was reading Sarah's blog (like I do about 40 times a day). I was reading comments in a recent post when I saw what looks like SPAM. The comment from "Mandy" is SPAM. Holy shit Mandy I will karate-chop you in the throat!! "Don't make me break my tooth off in your head!" I hate SPAM and the SPAMMERS that spread it - get that weak shit outta here.

Read my previous post to learn what fate befell those that have pissed me off in the past.

Feel the rage!

If you have been following along here - you know a lot of shit pisses me off. You'd think I could harness this rage and be a total badass - perhaps throw on a World Gym shirt, some shades and sport a mullet - then kick some peoples' asses. Well unfortunately, I am completely non-confrontational and really weak (I can bench press like 90lbs - maybe - I am being serious here). [PS - I have really sweet calf muscles - they don't help in a fight - but chicks love 'em].

So I have been in 3 fights ever (I am being a little loose with that definition).

Fight 1 :
Time Frame : 4th Grade
Every couple of weeks one kid would get mad at another kid, "he totally stole my Optimus Prime!" Anyway, frequently these arguments would lead to the formation of a fighting team. So the 2 kids that had the argument would get all of their friends and there would be a statement like, "we will see you guys on the playground!!" Nothing ever happened until one faithful day. Billy Taylor was going to fight Dave Main (I was on Billy's team - of course). Well things started with the normal posturing, name calling etc. I figured this would be another dud. But then Tim Kelly (who was on Dave's team) punches Dave in the head. He was a freakin spy!! Well all hell breaks loose and we are beating the shit out of each other. I can clearly remember Ziker running down the hill at me - I side stepped and clothes-lined him (his body was 4 feet in the air and horizontal). Mr. Natoli came over to the fracase (sp?) and said, "I am not going to tell you to stop - but you are old enough to know right from wrong" He turned and walked away - queue Tim Kelly again!! Awesome. Unfortunately, Mr. Natoli's interruption made me realize that I had ripped my parachute pants - so I had to sit out the rest of the fight.

Fight 2 :
Time Frame : College
I was visiting my best friend at his college. I was there with one of my many girlfriends, so I can't really remember her name (okay - to be clear I have kissed 2 girls ever and I am married to one of them). Well we are at a bar and my buddy goes outside and my girlfriend (I will refer to her as wife going forward) is waiting to get her ID back. I am standing behind her at the bar. A big fight breaks out and I move to "envelope" her - so no one runs into her. I say something manly like, "stand here so no one runs into you." She is in the process of explaining how she is tougher than me (which is true) when BOOM I am on the floor. I got punched square in the back of my head. It was like a photo flash went off in my face and my knees stopped working. I just dropped. My wife helped me back up - but my legs were Jell-o (tm). I turned to see the fucker that he me. He was way bigger than me - and I could barely stand. I thought of Rocky and Rudy - and I did what I had to do. I grabbed the guy he was trying to hit (when he accidentally hit me). I hold that guy's head firmly - at arms length. Well apparently this guy had been moving before and that is what got me hit. Fortunately for Bruser - the guy was totally immobilized by me. So I feel my arm recoil massively over and over and over (this guy is getting the shit beat out of him - but I won't let go) I am tired of collateral damage.

Fight 3:
Time Frame : Last Year
So John and I are walking to the parking garage. There is a spot where you have to cross the road (cars move pretty slowly because both ends of the road are always packed with traffic). On this day some guy decides we shouldn't have crossed and he guns the engine. Now at normal speed the guy would have missed us by 100ft - but Speed Racer floors his Ford Focus and nearly clips us. The beauty is that I am 5 inches from his windshield as he goes by. So I put my hand behind my back and flick him off. I figure (1) he's not stopping and (2) John's got my back. Well the guy locks up the breaks and I realize it's "go time". John immediately starts choking on a Jolly Rancher (tm). I wheel on my heel and start walking to the car. The guy jumps out and yells, "You got a problem?!?!?" I say evenly - "yeah, people are trying to walk here." He looks me up and down (John is still choking) and gets back in his car. I like to think he had heard my rep from Fight 1 and Fight 2 - but it probably was the 18 inches I had on him. Either way he ran like a sissy-girl.

So - you can see - I am not one to be trifled with.

Me and my bag

We are going to get personal here. Not like sharing a toothbrush - no, more personal than that. I mean like the girl walking on the beach talking about freshness with her mom kind of personal. I have lived for over 30 years and I have lived each day of my life with my annoying neighbor - my bag.

I was discussing Evolution versus Intelligent Design with a coworker last week. We were giving points and counterpoints for each - but I think I have the Intelligent Design killer. No superior being would have intentionally designed the man bag. It is such a pain in the ass - why outside? God, why not tucked safely away somewhere???

I want to clear something up early. I have seen my wife in labor, she is way tougher than me, so I can say without hesitation that labor hurts worse than being kicked in the bag. but labor comes with a 9 month warning. Getting hit in the bag can happen at any time without warning. Your kid wants to hand you a toy "oof!". You misjudge a groundball "oof!". You stop quickly on your bike and fall on the bar "oof!" [okay seriosly - what the fuck? Why do guys bikes have the bar up in the bag ramming range and the bar on women's is safely angled down??]

I will give you a real life example. When I was a Sophomore in college I was in the shower [ladies stop to enjoy the visual]. Currently, I use a (loofa?) and squirtable soap - but that was way to gay for college - so I used a manly bar of soap. Well, I am showering away and I drop the soap. I know how nasty the floor of a college dorm shower is - so I make a desperate play to save the bar. My hand is travelling downward at lightspeed. Well, my thumb hooks my bag and strectches it about 90% of the way to the ground - at that point it snaps back up and does the spinning thing - like when you open a window shade and just let go of it. I dropped to the ground and just laid there for about 5 minutes in agony. See if that shit was packed safely inside I'd be fine.

But traumatic injury is the exception - not the rule. The thing is just a pain in the ass on a regular basis - injury or no. I have about a 5 minute ritual to get the bag dry when I exit the shower each morning. I have no idea why - but it is impervious to drying. If they could harvest the material I am sure they could make a wicked sponge with it [Voice of Billies Mays - the guy that sells Oxy Clean etc] "... the mircle Scrot-sponge holds 8 times more water than regular sponges. And for easy travel - just get it cold and it shrinks to 1/5 its normal size!!" I think guys don't talk about this kind of thing enough - but if we did there'd be a line of products to fix it. My idea is a blow dryer system. Picture the helmet-type thing that the grannies use for their perms, at the hairdresser - but flip it over and make it smaller. Just nestle the bag down there and allow the circulating winds to dry things up nicely.

Another issue is the changing size. If you are cold it shrinks down to almost nothing - when it is hot it stretches like Silly Puddy. I literally can tell if I have a fever based on this "feature" Plus, it's never comfortable - guys constantly have to make minor adjustments. Baseball players get a bad rap for this - but that's because they are stuck on TV with no cover (like a desk or a table). I am sure that I have to make minor adjustments as frequently as a baseball player - but there is not a camera on me for 3 hours straight.

The final issue is in dress clothes. If you put on a tux your body temperature will jump to 100.4 - but the bag will be somewhere near 152.7 degrees. Scientists could solve the energy crisis if they could tap this cheap, "clean" fuel source. The only defense is Gold Bond powder. At my wedding it was 95 degrees out and it was an outdoor wedding. In the changing room there was a bottle of GB and it was used extensively - it may be the reason that I am married today - with out it I would have burst into flames and died.

Baby wrapped in plastic and thrown from car!!

Fortunately, that story is total bullshit - unfortunately our worthless, super sensationalistic media doesn't really care about fact finding. So they just ran full speed ahead with the story. Nice work assholes - way to do your job. I wish I could run my business based only on unsubstantiated "facts". Well one uncorroborated report said that all of our servers were down - so it must be true. I better start paging lots of people and telling them. God the media is really on my shitlist right now.

Okay - new less vulgar subject. Cars -
What is the deal with people making any modifications what-so-ever to :
Dodge Neons
Chevy Cavaliers
Ford Escorts
etc

Your car is not great (I am not dissing these cars - I owned a '97 Cavalier and loved it) However, these cars, at the top end have about 150HP. So they are basically shit. Adding lights and big exhaust pipes does not make them faster or cooler (you are still driving the same car as my dad). Also, what is the deal with the wing? You know the massive spoiler - oh I get it - when your tricked out Neon goes 0 to 60 in 14 seconds you need the spoiler to get sufficient downforce to keep from taking off. Idiots.

I would do anything for love...

... but I won't do that.

What is it that Meatloaf won't do? Dammit - just tell us Meatloaf. It's anal - isn't it? I bet it is. I like a man that has limits - good work 'Loaf.

So I love my kids and I want them to be heathly so I decided to get a flu shot. A little background here. EVERY year my mom begs and pleads with me to get a flu shot. "They" say this year is going to be really bad. "They" are saying the shot this year covers more strains. "They" are saying there may be shortages of the vaccine - so go gt your shot. If I ever meet this "they" I will punch them in the face for brainwashing my mom into total hysterics. So I figure I have 2 kids now and I don't want them to get sick from me. So I have commited to the shot on my trip to the doctor.

Let me give a little more background - I am a total p**sy (edited because some women hate this word and I am a blogwhore). I haven't had a shot since before puberty. No tetanus (that is how it is spelled - I looked it up - its got the word "anus" right in there) no flu shots - nothing for at least 15 years. I am afraid of shots (strangely I give blood regularly).

So when I am at the doctor's office I tell them I want a flu shot AND a tetanus shot. So take whatever scares you most (heights, midgets, sharks, etc.) and double it. Well, luck be a lady tonight because they are out of flu shots. But dammit I already asked for tetanus and I can't wimp out now (I want to set an example for my kids - so they aren't p**sies and don't get beat up). The girl asks which arm I don't use and puts the shot in there. She tells me it will hurt. It doesn't hurt at all! Hooray! I did it. I come to work the next day and tell everyone - like I won the Nobel prize or something. (My friend Sarah is allergic to everything and gets like 14 shots a week - she is not impressed). Okay - remember when the nurse said it would hurt? She didn't mean then - she means NOW. It has been 2 days and my arm is so f'ing sore - like a big brother held me down and punched me mercilessly.

So to sum up -
my mom believes anything "they" say
Meatloaf doesn't like ass-play
I am still a p**sy

Happy Holidays

I totally stole this from another web site - but it doesn't make it less funny.

You want to break up with your girlfriend (or boyfriend) before Valentine's Day but you are a coward. What do you do?

1. Before the holiday, hint you have a fantastic Valentine's day gift you're working on but it's a big secret. When she's snooping around, make sure she stumbles upon the stack of letters you've written to the producers of "Extreme Makeover," begging them to do something with the wretched, stank-ho you've been dating.

2. Say things like "I would never hurt you," then hurt her immediately afterwards. Repeat.

Grrr....

I am in a bad mood - so I grabbed up m list of "targets" (shit I have compiled but have yet to complain about). Someone is about to get a reaming to make me feel better. I may go for a medley and just fire blindly at everything.

Bands that Suck
Okay why do bands release a totally hard rock badass album and then completely puss out on their sophomore effort? Examples : Creed's first album is pretty badass - but their second one makes me want to fucking kill myself. Staind - ummm MudShovel is the most pissed off angry song every (it is so awesome) - but the song "Outside" must be destroyed. God if I her it again I will kill someone.

ATM Users
For real - hit "Quick Cash $60" and get the fuck out of the way. I swear to God - if I am in a hurry I am always behind some old couple that is doing all of their banking for the year. "No Lester the card goes here... now type in the code..." "Need my spectacles." Let's go people - MOVE IT!

Handicapped People
Okay - they should be off limits - but screw it - I am pissed. For real, if every handicapped person in the tri-county area comes to the Library at the exact same time there will still be 13 handicap only parking spots left. Also they can't park straight - not stereotyping - just an observation.

Nuts
Why put nuts in brownies? WHY? Some people like nuts - they might like them a lot. But some people hate nuts and if you put them in the brownies they won't eat them. The nut lovers are still going to eat them nuts or not. It's not like they are going to say, "no way I am not eating that nutless shit!" So leave the fucking nuts out.

Blogging about blogging

So I have been blogging for about a month and I feel that I can comment intelligently on the practice of blogging now. People blog about all sorts of stuff and it is a great outlet for issues, problems concerns etc. I have a massive list of shit that people do that pisses me off - I could write all day about other drivers, for instance.

This word may or may not [side note I realize that "may" actually means "may or may not" but I liked the sound of the latter] exist "blogwhore". This is what I want to talk about. A blogwhore is someone that blogs purely to get people to read their blog. I realize that this seems obvious - why write something if no one reads it. You miss understand - blogwhores (I am one too) make overt efforts to get people to their blog and prove they were there.

Blogwhoring traits -
A counter. If you have a counter - you might be a blogwhore.
Blognabbing - if you go to other blogs and drop comments in hopes of reciprocation - you might be a blogwhore.
Overlinking - if you link to 90% of the blogs on the planet - you might be a blogwhore.
Nonoffensive - if you self censor yourself to avoid alienating you audience - you might be a blogwhore.

Like I said - I've done some of these.

Here are other observations I have made while hitting the "Next Blog button"
90% of all bloggers are asian females
60% of bloggers speak some language that I do not
50% of all blogs have 1 entry titled, "Well here I go" or "My first post" and it's from early last year
30% of blogs turn my cursor into a "+" sign and generally piss me off.

The Media + Unglamorous death = nothing

So all day Monday and part of the day Tuesday I looked for stories about the guy that jumped off the bridge (read 2 posts down to catch up). Nothing. NOTHING. I watch a guy pitch himself off a 100 foot bridge and he doesn't get a mention - I figured at least the fact he fucked up traffic for a few minutes would get him some press. Nothing!!

So I called the Plain Dealer (Cleveland's News Paper) and asked the news desk about it. They had only a little info, "The Coast Guard got a call that a man had fallen through the ice [understatement of the year in my opinion]. They had called off the search after a time." So I give the guy all of the details. He says they will probably run it in the Wednesday paper. He calls back 15 minutes later and tells me that they don't run suicide stories, "because if someone is on the edge, the fact that they will get media exposure may prod them into action." Okay - fair enough, I didn't need to be in the paper - just validation that I wasn't crazy.

This all sat well with me until this morning. Something on the radio about a suicide bombing. Then I went totally berzerk! This hapless fuck dives off a bridge and hurts no one [well other than the obvious - him] and they don't want it in the news. However, strap a bomb to yourself and you can guarantee Dan Rather will be talking about you tonight. Better yet, kill a bunch of people in you school, Brokaw's jaw will hurt from saying Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold over and over. OR shoot up random people in Washington D.C. and don't kill yourself - you will get free press galore and every station in the world will say John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo. Instant ticket to fame. Now for this ticket - you need to not hurt yourself at all and shoot LOTS of innocent people. The media has no issue with, "because if someone is on the edge, the fact that they will get media exposure may prod them into action." If the action is you fucking assassinating other people.

Oh, or fucking get a black tarp and hang it up. Rip up a table cloth and wear it as a mask. Kidnap someone and point an AK at their head. This is guaranteed to get you on the news. (You can optionally behead the person). Let's see.... If the media didn't run stories on kidnappings then their psychological value would be lost -but they do. You see where I'm going with the whole "prod them into action thing"? God dammit I will fucking .... this is a fuck!

I am so annoyed right now.

The Post below this one is TRUE

I have had a couple people ask me if that story is real. Holy shit stack up some bibles and I will swear on them. Haul a jury in here and I will tell the same story - it is TRUE.

Okay - speaking of bibles - I am really stupid on 2 things in life
spelling
grammar
religion
(shit apparently math too).

Anyway, I will have a detailed post on my ignorance of religion. But if you are like me - be warned - tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. EVERY Year this day sneaks up on me - I realize they put Marti Gras right infront of it to warn you - but I forget every year. So I am in the elevator on the way to work and I'll see some guy that has "gotten his ashes". But my pagan ass forgets what day it is - so I have to look at him a few times and think - dude you have some shit on your forehead. Then I figure it out and feel like a total dick. So just a heads up on the Ash forehead thing tomorrow.

Really Fucked-up shit

Okay, I am probably going to avoid humor here as I recount the craziest thing I have ever seen. This weekend I went to NY for my best friend's surprise birthday party (it turned out to be a dual party - it was my surprise party too - SURPRISE!) Anyway, my family and I left NY at about 10AM and headed back for Cleveland. It was a pretty standard trip (stopping for food and diaper changes - but no traffic or bad weather). Well that all changed when we got to Cleveland... when the craziest thing I have ever seen occurred.

It was 3:30PM when we hit downtown, this was way before rush hour so I expected no delays. Well, we got almost to downtown and things slowed way down. I was like, oh great there must be an accid.. "OH SHIT!!" A guy - a mother fucking guy just bolted from the dividing wall out into traffic. It happened really fast but I saw a black male in black clothes run from the median into the center lane (of the 3 West Bound lanes). All 3 lanes of traffic were stopped - fast. "Holy shit honey - call 911!!!" We were in the center lane, about 4-5 cars back. He was either under or infront of the school bus in the center lane. I left a huge gap between me and the car infront of me. In the brief glimpse I got - I saw TOTAL crazy. If he came towards my car... well I wanted some run up room infront of me.

We sat for a minutes... and I thought - what must the bus driver be telling the kids? Finally the guy emerges and moves into the left lane of traffic. He is standing in the Jesus Christ pose. I can see he has on black pants and a black button up shirt. All of the buttons are undone and he has a white TShirt on underneath. The TShirt is covered in a stain from a spilled beverage or vomit. This image rapidly replaces "guy bolting into highway traffic" as "the craziest thing I have ever seen."

911 tells my wife they have already been called and have a unit on the way. Becasuse the guy is covering the left lane the right lane starts moving very cautiously and the bus starts to move too. But the bus doesn't just get the hell out of there - no he starts to pull to the right shoulder? WTF? Are you using these kids as bait? Suddenly, the guy is gone? Let me be clear - at this point on the highway there are 6 lanes and one cement wall dividing the 3 Eastbound lanes from the 3 Westbound lanes. There is no where to hide. "OH SHIT! there he is - in the back of the pickup" The previous "craziest thing I have ever seen" has its title taken after only about 90 seconds.

The guy is in the back of a red pickup truck that he jumped into. Traffic starts moving. My wife is trying to figure out why the pickup guy isn't stopping. I tell her he probably assumes its a car-jacker. The driver is moving at about 50-60MPH and the guy in the back is standing Titanic "King of the World" style (goodbye "craziest thing I have ever seen record" hello new one). The driver is making his way to the right side of the road. However, this is a bit of a trial because on the Inner-Belt bridge in Cleveland there are about 3 entrances to the highway in about 1/2 a mile. Some of these just add lanes to the width of the highway - so it is about 6 lanes wide (in the WestBound direction). My wife is yelling to stay back - in case he falls out. The last entrance onto the bridge is Ontario St. A huge Chevy Avalanche comes up that ramp and is trying to prevent me from moving into the right lane - listen fuck-o we've got a situation here that you aren't fully up to speed on. I punch it and cut him off. (I can see the huge array of ground effects and branch guards in my rear view - about 2 feet away). I am intentionally taking up 2 lanes now - if the guy falls no one merging will have any idea that they should be attempting to dodge.

The pickup makes it to the right-most lane and starts to slow (record breaking time again). The car gets down to about 30MPM and the guy hangs his legs out and bails. Yep, he jumps out of the car on the fucking highway going at least 30MPH!!! This quickly takes top honors as the craziest thing I have ever seen. We go by the guy and he hops the rail that protects people on the sidewalk from the highway. I can see he is bleeding from his head. I have just long enough to say, "guy don't do it" before we drive by. When my wife turns around he is gone.

I guess I really didn't see it - but it is still the craziest thing I have ever seen. The guy jumped off the bridge. Now I knew this meant certain death - but I didn't understand the scope until I walked to work today and looked at the bridge. I tried to find a good picture, but I couldn't. Here is a different bridge that goes over the same waterway (this one is slightly lower than the Innerbelt Bridge) picture.

It was totally fucked up. My wife called the police again and told them what happened. We watched the news last night and this morning. But there was no story...

Well I have a new hero...

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/02/03/general.shoot/index.html

Get out of my way!

Mid Walkers
How come the slower someone walks - the more of the hall they seem to be able to take up? I am 6' 4" and my legs carry me at a pretty good clip. But for some reason I am constantly getting stuck behind people in the hall. Apparently, they are from some country where you drive in the middle (not on the left or right). So there they are - the hall is 2.8 bodies wide and they are taking up 1 body width right in the middle. So there is .9 of a body width on either side. So I could accelerate and squeeze awkwardly by or just suffer - screaming in my head "MOVE - MOVE!!!" Sometimes I'll zigzag back and forth - like the formula-1 guys do to keep their tires warm but what I want to do is scream, "get out of the way you useless fuck!"

Hard Chargers
My coworkers and I spend countless hours talking about Hard Chargers and marveling at their ignorance. Here is a brief explanation [let me stop right here and say that English and grammar are not my thing - so if you see some missing commas or misspelled words - well you just fucking keep it to yourself] ... Where was I? Oh, Hard Chargers - a Hard Charger is someone who inappropriately accelerates into or out of an elevator. So you are on the elevator and the doors open up. Before you can move towards the exit - a guy that is waiting at the floor you stopped on - just bull rushes in. You have no way to escape to the floor you want to get off at. He, my friends, is a hard charger. Hard Chargers piss me off - bad. They have the perception that the elevator is really just dedicated to them and no one else would really be using it. Generally a H.C. warning sign is running up and pressing the up or down button repeatedly - even though it is already illuminated. Another Hard Charger tactic is to dive to be the first one on the elevator - even though you are only traveling 1 floor. So the H.C. dives in and then when the elevator stops 1 floor later - he has to push back through everyone to get off. Nice work jackwad. The Hard Charger's lethargic cousin is the Slow Charger. The Slow Charger is much more rare - but equally annoying. The S.C. will move so slowly as to cause you disruption. Here are two S.C. scenarios. 1 - you want to get on the elevator and you are waiting. It comes but the S.C. is so slow the doors close before he gets there. I am not even shitting you - this has happened to me. 2 - The other S.C. move is to not get out of your way in time for you to get off at your floor. "Excuse me.... Excuse me... Excu..." [doors close]

Why do people make me want to do grievous bodily injury to them??

Quick apology and explanation

Yesterday I went to the bathroom at work. I have the same ritual each time

• use the urinal on the far right
• Flush
• Zip up
• try to get the timed faucet to produce water for more than 1 second
• wash hands as I keep batting the handle to make the hot water come back on

Well, for some totally unknown reason, yesterday I zipped up and just walked out. That's right - I just walked out. I froze as soon as I got out of the door. What the fuck just happened? I am not one of "those" people. Shit - the guy in the stall thinks I am one of "those" people. Decision time - do I go back in and wash up? Seems a little desperate. So I went to the little kitchenette thing and used that sink. But I did it - I washed my hands. If you were the guy in the stall and you can ID me - just know this - I washed 'em right after I walked out. Please don't shun me or post my picture anywhere.

Heroes (what I meant to say)

Below in "Heroes" and "National Anthem" I talk about my patriotic decision to run into a burning building. Okay, patriotism is not my motivation - fame and fortune are. Do you ever watch the news and some guy is standing there, panting and covered in soot. The reporter will say, "Reggie you saved those 3 kids and their cat - you are a hero!" Then Reggie says, "No... I just did what anyone would do - I mean I knew someone was in trouble and I just tried to help." What? Reggie, Reggie, Reggie...

[here's me in the same situation] The reporter will say, "Scott you saved those 3 kids and their cat - you are a hero!" Then I say, "You bet your sweet ass I am a hero. I am the man - no one else would have even attempted that shit. Their hot ass mom better get over here an show some appreciation." So that's about how that would go down. I figure if I rescue some people from a burning building that women might start flinging themselves at me as I walk down the street.

Hanukkah and baseball

I got very little sleep last night. This was entirely my fault. I was being a total dork and playing video games and then woke up for work at 4:30. My brain revolts violently against me when I do this. It actually will start yelling at me, "nice work douche - we are frickin tired (my brain doesn't swear). Holy crap - I hope that was worth it you totally worthless geek. [mocking tone] 'just have to kill a few more guys...' "

F you brain. Once I get a shower we usually get things together and can think about the day ahead. First we have to get dressed etc. Here are some interesting thoughts that my sleep deprived mind had this morning.

(1) Baseball
Have you ever watched a baseball highlight where the center fielder runs full speed into the wall chasing a pop fly? Well, most baseball fields have a "warning track". The warning track is where the grass ends and dirt starts. It lets the fielder "feel" that he is running out of room. I have a similar situatution with my underwear. I wear boxers (tighty whiteys and I parted ways in high school) I have like 15 pairs. They are all pretty much the same with the exception of 2 pairs. These 2 pairs are manufactured differently in some way. The cut or sewing is different. Well this subtle difference causes them to give me a wedgie everytime I stand up. So when I am about to run out of clean clothes those pairs are all I have left and I have to wear them. It is my warning track. It allows me to "feel" that I am about to run out of clean clothes. Its a pretty well conceived system.

(2) Hanukkah
Please don't be offended if you are Jewish, I am no scholar of religion, but I think Hanukkah is the "festival of lights". I probably learned about it in 1st or 2nd grade. I think there were some Jewish people that escaped somewhere and hid in a cave. They had enough oil to make light for 1 day - but miraculously it lasted 7 days. Hanukkah is a celebration of that miracle (or maybe it isn't - but this is how I remember it). So this morning I am going to put I deoderant (I am alergic to every kind except "Mitchum Unscented"). I have one stick left and I keep forgetting to go to Walmart and get more. The stick I have (stick is the wrong term - it is the gel kind that oozes up when you turn the wheel) has been "out" of goop for about 7 days. But just like Hanukkah some miracle makes it keep pumping the stuff out. So I have been fresh for over a week on, what appeared to be, 1 days worth of deoderant. Hopefully, my decendants will have a holiday in honor of this miracle!!