(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Letter to the Intelligent Designer

Read my previous post to understand my sudden flip-flop on the whole religion thing. Since I now believe in the Intelligent Designer (and I know he must be super pumped to have me in the "believer" column) I bet he reads my blog now. So I want to have a open letter to the Designer.

Dear Designer,

What the fuck were you thinking? You call this an "intelligent" design? I have so many complaints I don't know where to start. I'll try to catergorize
(1) Useless stuff
Appendix, male nipples, tonsils, foreskin? I had half this shit chopped off - nice work focusing on that crap when you could have been designing a way to store the testicles *inside* where they weren't dangling, like a target, for every obsticle on earth. I can't be sure ear wax is your fault - but you better hope I don't find out that it is. Also, random hair coming out or arm pits, chest wherever - explain the intelligence there!

(2) Poorly made
If you were the General Contractor on my house - I'd sue your ass off. What is the f'ing deal with knees? Could that design possibly be shittier? Even highly trained atheletes are blowing ACLs left and right. Oh - nice work on the eyes too - only like 60% of people need glasses - good Q/A work there. Oh I throw my back out about twice a year - kudos on that one too.

(3) Square peg - round hole
Okay, if some intelligence was applied I have a question. Why allow something into the front end of the digestive system (mouth) that can get lodged at the next step. Oh and here's the kicker - due to some fucking unionized, corner cutting angels - there is *1* tube for food AND air. That's right - block that one and you're dead!! You couldn't have lay a second tube in there? Oh and here's another design gem - it is possible for digested "waste" to be bigger than the exit door! that's right - I mean it is going to come out - we just aren't going to like it. Why not make the digestive system with a small hole at the top and a bigger one (with a control mechanism) at the bottom. Then there is no choking hazard - or ass tearing hazard. Speaking of tearing - my kid was almost 11lbs! Um.... I'd go back to the drawing board on the birth canal.

(4) Positive reinforcement
I don't want you to go away thinking I hate everything. Belly buttons are cool (and really sexy on women). Nice work on female breasts. The penis is pretty utilitarian - I like mine. Farting is actually pretty cool - I am not sure if you built that in - or if it was a happy accident - but man you guys must have shit yourself the first time you heard one. I wonder if you tested various sounds. I'd love to see the "fart design outtake reel" - priceless.

Peace out!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

KBoE convinces me otherwise

Okay I am an atheiest - it works pretty well for me. I mean I get to eat while other people pray, I sleep in on Sundays... I mean I risk eternal damnation - but I never miss the opening kickoff - so it's cool.

BUT - I may be changing my tune. You see the "Kansas Board of Education" (KBoE) is pushing for Creationism to be added to curriculum (see Darwinism is a "theory" so they seek to educate kids by having alternate "theories"). Well the KBoE is a pretty awesome group - their previous hits include "Brown vs Board of Education" (yep the KBoE). See the KBoE was actively fighting in the 50's (all the way to the Supreme Court) to keep blacks out of white schools! Yes, any group that is this forward thinking and embraces the teachings of Jesus (like hate "the blacks") must clearly know of God and I am listening to what they have to say.

So using my "ignorant, racist, biggoted assholes said so" proof above - I now accept intelligent design. So - armed with my knew knowledge - I am prepared to take the next step. I will save it for my next post - (because writing or read a lot of words makes my head hurt - that's right Virgil - lets tone it down).

beeeeeep squwaaaak!

Why is it if someone has their Cell#, Work# and FAX# number on their business card I *always* manage to call the FAX number by accident? I am expecting "Hi, this is John." But I get BEEEEP SQUWAAAAK!

Thursday, December 08, 2005


If you yell, "I have a bomb" or "Bomb!" on a plane you should be shot dead. I think the outcome was 100% perfect yesterday. Be crazy = get dead. I like that message.

Here is a call that I bet took place yesterday :

[woman] Reverend Sharpton's office?
[man] I'd like to speak to the Reverend please
[woman] May I ask who is calling?
[man] This is Jesse Jackson, sugar.
[woman] I'll put you through
[Al] Jesse old boy what's up?
[Jesse] We must have a strategy - to deal with the tragedy!
[Al] What tragedy?
[Jesse] the "man" killing anyone he can
[Al] Are you talking about the airport thing?
[Jesse] Innocent lives cannot be stolen from wives!
[Al] huh?
[Jesse] I won't stand by while we are cut down in an American town!
[Al] bu....
[Jesse] Our people are not expendible each life has worth - I won't let the "man" kill us with mirth!
[Al] Jesse...
[Jesse] You can't kill our brothers - without outrage from our mothers!!
[Al] Jesse!!!
[Jesse] Each life is precious and...
[Al] JESSE!!! The guy, that got shot, yeah he wasn't black.
[Jesse] Oh
[Al] right - "oh"
[Jesse] So our work is done here - I mean who gives a shit about other people of color. Okay I'll tell my private jet to stand down, cancel my helicopter flight, and the 12 buses I rented to bring in protestors
[Al] I already cancelled mine
[Jesse] Peace out
[Al] latest.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Fuck you John

It's pronounced "coopon" - not "Q-pon". God you are gay.

Feel free to give your coupon related opinion (but if you say Q-pon - you are gay).

I'm back

Urban Princess Sarah woke me from my long slumber and I am awake and ready to be pissed about stuff. For the past few weeks the only thing pissing me off has been the amount of work I have had to do. Complaining about work is easy and not worthy of my talents - so I went silent.

I finally watched CSI (you know the #1 show in America since Friend's went off the air) and God dammit - it was terrible. I had seen CSI Miami (also terrible) once - but assumed that the Las Vegas one was better. Holy shit it was bad. I won't go into details of the case - but some dude offs his mail-order-bride and buries her. He gets another one (I would too) and gives her the same necklace from his deceased M-O-B. It is 2 years later and the CSI team tests the necklace and finds the dead chick's blood on it. TWO F'ING YEARS!! Does this new chick not shower ever? If I had blood, someone else's blood, near me for 2 seconds - I'd lose it - this chick hands it on her skanky neck for 2 years.

"The Office" - is the best show ever - watch it.

The chick from "OverStock.com" commercials is so MILF-a-licious it is crazy. Man I want her.

Okay - I want to start slow and steady. This is a marathon - not a sprint. I think I have enough to call it a day.