(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Feel the rage!

If you have been following along here - you know a lot of shit pisses me off. You'd think I could harness this rage and be a total badass - perhaps throw on a World Gym shirt, some shades and sport a mullet - then kick some peoples' asses. Well unfortunately, I am completely non-confrontational and really weak (I can bench press like 90lbs - maybe - I am being serious here). [PS - I have really sweet calf muscles - they don't help in a fight - but chicks love 'em].

So I have been in 3 fights ever (I am being a little loose with that definition).

Fight 1 :
Time Frame : 4th Grade
Every couple of weeks one kid would get mad at another kid, "he totally stole my Optimus Prime!" Anyway, frequently these arguments would lead to the formation of a fighting team. So the 2 kids that had the argument would get all of their friends and there would be a statement like, "we will see you guys on the playground!!" Nothing ever happened until one faithful day. Billy Taylor was going to fight Dave Main (I was on Billy's team - of course). Well things started with the normal posturing, name calling etc. I figured this would be another dud. But then Tim Kelly (who was on Dave's team) punches Dave in the head. He was a freakin spy!! Well all hell breaks loose and we are beating the shit out of each other. I can clearly remember Ziker running down the hill at me - I side stepped and clothes-lined him (his body was 4 feet in the air and horizontal). Mr. Natoli came over to the fracase (sp?) and said, "I am not going to tell you to stop - but you are old enough to know right from wrong" He turned and walked away - queue Tim Kelly again!! Awesome. Unfortunately, Mr. Natoli's interruption made me realize that I had ripped my parachute pants - so I had to sit out the rest of the fight.

Fight 2 :
Time Frame : College
I was visiting my best friend at his college. I was there with one of my many girlfriends, so I can't really remember her name (okay - to be clear I have kissed 2 girls ever and I am married to one of them). Well we are at a bar and my buddy goes outside and my girlfriend (I will refer to her as wife going forward) is waiting to get her ID back. I am standing behind her at the bar. A big fight breaks out and I move to "envelope" her - so no one runs into her. I say something manly like, "stand here so no one runs into you." She is in the process of explaining how she is tougher than me (which is true) when BOOM I am on the floor. I got punched square in the back of my head. It was like a photo flash went off in my face and my knees stopped working. I just dropped. My wife helped me back up - but my legs were Jell-o (tm). I turned to see the fucker that he me. He was way bigger than me - and I could barely stand. I thought of Rocky and Rudy - and I did what I had to do. I grabbed the guy he was trying to hit (when he accidentally hit me). I hold that guy's head firmly - at arms length. Well apparently this guy had been moving before and that is what got me hit. Fortunately for Bruser - the guy was totally immobilized by me. So I feel my arm recoil massively over and over and over (this guy is getting the shit beat out of him - but I won't let go) I am tired of collateral damage.

Fight 3:
Time Frame : Last Year
So John and I are walking to the parking garage. There is a spot where you have to cross the road (cars move pretty slowly because both ends of the road are always packed with traffic). On this day some guy decides we shouldn't have crossed and he guns the engine. Now at normal speed the guy would have missed us by 100ft - but Speed Racer floors his Ford Focus and nearly clips us. The beauty is that I am 5 inches from his windshield as he goes by. So I put my hand behind my back and flick him off. I figure (1) he's not stopping and (2) John's got my back. Well the guy locks up the breaks and I realize it's "go time". John immediately starts choking on a Jolly Rancher (tm). I wheel on my heel and start walking to the car. The guy jumps out and yells, "You got a problem?!?!?" I say evenly - "yeah, people are trying to walk here." He looks me up and down (John is still choking) and gets back in his car. I like to think he had heard my rep from Fight 1 and Fight 2 - but it probably was the 18 inches I had on him. Either way he ran like a sissy-girl.

So - you can see - I am not one to be trifled with.


Blogger slcup said...

I took your nerd quiz and scored a 3. Can I still be considered a hottie even though you're obviously nerdier (ie: cooler) than I am?
u.p. sarah

6:31 PM

Blogger Brian said...

was it the guy from office space?

7:40 PM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

no, that's me.

11:06 PM

Blogger John said...

This post was a train wreck from the word go. First I think it's fateful day not faithful. Second I think you mean cue Tim Kelly again not queue. Finally, I totally had your back. I was using the ol' "make em think you're dying" trick to get him to come over and get a beating. He had obviously seen it before. I had a Camp Lejeune Gym shirt in my senior pictures. Does that make me a total badass?

12:43 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

yeah, but scott said he has no grasp of the english language, so cut him some slack. SAC UP!

6:25 AM

Blogger Sarah said...

1 - JV, nice use of the "Sac up!"

2 - U.P. Sarah, I got a 9 and they still call me a hottie so you are totally okay.

3 - Scott, with this effing amazing post you have revealed your Achilles Heel: parachute pants.

10:00 AM

Blogger Sarah said...

1 - JV, nice use of the "Sac up!"

2 - U.P. Sarah, I got a 9 and they still call me a hottie so you are totally okay.

3 - Scott, with this effing amazing post you have revealed your Achilles Heel: parachute pants.

10:01 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, I got back into my car after I noticed the gay bar you and your friend just came out of. That and the fact you were sporting some freaky parachute pants.

12:21 PM


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