(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I am NOT a GM employee

For Christ's sake *enough* with the fucking employee discount. I will gladly buy your piece of shit 2005 car at FULL MSRP if you will pull all of your commercials off the air! God dammit - I am so sick of being a Ford employee and a Chrysler employee and a GM employee. Listen - I can barely do my real job - I don't need to be an employee of every failing auto maker in the US too. Oh, also a little tidbit - if your car is skidding widely out of control (pretty much every car in every commercial) then I don't want it. Even if you find one more place to add an air bag.

Anyway, quit extending your employee pricing. Just pack that shit up. While you are at it pack up Lee Iacocca. Yep put him into cryogenic suspension for another couple decades then bust him out for another ad campaign.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Party Foul

Here's the deal - if I am at a party it is because I want to forget about work. So asking questions like, "Hey Scott every time I try to print the Internet goes down - what causes that?" Really pisses me off. At pretty much every family reunion I go to I get 10 questions that are so similar I can make a MadLib for them

"My computer keeps making [funny sound] do I have a virus?"

"I keep getting porn pop-ups - I have never been to a porn site... well maybe just [really small number] times - when I got a link from a [profession] as a joke.

"Our printer gets stuck when trying to print [some shit I've never heard of] documents - what is wrong"

"I want my PC to be lots faster. Do I need a [new/bigger] hard drive?"

"On AOL .... (its just fucking static to me after that)....."

Please for the love of god - leave me alone. (I do want to answer the question at the very top. Yes - everytime you print the Internet goes down. It is really pissing off the online gaming comminity, and banks and stuff - so fucking quit it)

Do other professions get this. "Dr. Vet, my puppy has this rash...." "Mr. Pilot - can a 747 really roll in the air? I heard it could - plus that thing they do in Air Force One - could that happen?"

What if you are a gyno. Dude - weak. "Hey Dr. CrotchGrabber, ummm, I have a quick question.... I get painful burning whenever..... " Dammit that has to suck. My problems don't seem so bad.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Bond, Gold Bond

I know you have been thinking - "I wonder how Scott's bag is?" "I haven't heard much about the bag lately, should I ask?" "Is everything okay?" Well dear reader - you can stop holding your breath - it is time for a bag update.

I was in a wedding a few weeks back. Not only was I in the wedding - but I was the best man. My buddy Erik was tying the knot. Let's back up a bit. I have talked to you about my tigh knit group of friends from high school (not the boys from the Dort gang) these guys are all my age. I have been best friends with all of them since "Dave Allen" came to our school. My buddies are Erik, "Dave Allen", Krusty and Happy. We have been great friends since the early 90's and we still see each other every chance we get. Erik, Krusty and Happy still live in Rochester and play cards every week. "Dave Allen" and I moved away - but have family in Rochester and we always use visits home to see the other guys. At this point Krusty, Happy, Erik and I are all married. I have proudly stood in each wedding watching each friend marry a fantastic woman (by fantastic I mean hot). "Dave Allen" will be joining our ranks in 2 weeks. That will mean that all of my close friends will be married - which is pretty awesome.

As I mentioned I have been in each of their weddings - actually we have all been in each of the others weddings. My wedding and Erik's wedding were both outside. Both occurred with temeratures over 90 degrees. We were wearing hot as hell wool tuxes in both.

I knew things were going to heat up. Things "down there" (think not so fresh feeling)... So based on the weather forcast, the wool tux factor, my concern for my comrades I did 2 things before my wedding :
(1) I decided we would not wear our tux jackets. They were rounded up and thrown in a trunk. No photos exist with them bitches on
(2) I decided to buy a huge bottle of Gold Bond powder and leave it in the bathroom where each guy had to go to change.

Sometimes all of the heat of your body will focus down there and it feels like spontaneous combustion could occur. Gold Bond (GB) keeps things nice and fresh and cool. I love Gold Bond. There is one serious risk when applying GB that is PB&J. PB&J occurs when the area to be GB is *already* "damp". Instead of forming a lasting cool layer of protection the GB forms a total goddamn mess - you end up with Pasty Balls and Junk (PB&J). This is worse than the afflictions you are trying to avoid! Well, anyway - just to make sure things happened correctly "Dave Allen" drew an instructional cartoon that showed proper application of GB. This original drawing is in the Smithsonian - so I don't have it. However, for a subsequent wedding "Dave Allen" redrew the directions (these are alway prominently posted at the house where we get ready - usually the parent's house). Anyway - here is the picture. It helped me again at Erik's wedding and I am sure it will help me at "Dave Allen's" outdoor wedding next month. Your mother would be proud.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Dort (part 2 of 900)

"Sir I think the SunDance has us - she's just too fast and manuverable!"
"We're dead meat - the Horizon class should have been retired years ago - we don't stand a chance!"
"God dammit LeBlond you shut up with that talk or I will have you removed from my fucking bridge. This bucket of bolts still has a few tricks up her sleeve. Regan - reduce speed - allow the SunDance to approach on our starboard side."
"What, but sir..."
"That is a fucking order Regan. Starboard battery - prepare to fire. Loaders - prepare the battery!"
"Gunners you fucking hold your fire until I fucking tell you"
"They are right on top of us - look at the size of her - we're done for"
"Starboard battery - F I R E!!!"
[thwack] [thwack] [thwack]
"Starboard battery reports several direct hits!!"
"Sir, she's accelerating - we won't be able to keep up with her."
"It doesn't matter - load torpedoes. Flood tubes 1 and 2."
"Sir - the SunDance has flooded her aft tubes and is going to fire"
"But sir that will..."
The Horizon's reactor roared to life - the men all felt the surge as they were propelled towards the SunDance - and her aft firing torpedoes.
"She's firing!!"
"Sir - glancing blow - both torpedoes deflected off the bow with no damage!! You did it sir - we were too close for the torpedoes to arm."
"We won't make the same mistake. Tubes 1 and 2 fire on my command - but set the torpedoes for a short run... F I R E!!"
"Tubes 1 and 2 away - direct hit!!! We have her sir!!! We did it!!"

This may sound like the plot of Clancy novel (I mean with spelling errors). But it is my recreation of actual events of a faithful day in July of 1991. A day that would leave me hospitalized and on crutches.

The entire exchange above took place after going to "the city" to see a movie with my friends. I am not sure which movie it was, but you can bet your ass it was dorky if it required 2 car loads. The 2 car's were Eric's brand new 1991 Plymouth Sundance and Smell Bad's 1985 Plymouth Horizon. The weapons exchange was initially "Gummy Worms". We would suck on a Gummy Worm and then propel them at each other's cars - at highway speed. The impact sound on the opposing vehicle was a totally delightful [thwack]. The Worms would frequently stick and not detach until peeled off. The torpedo exchange is the 2 cars firing bottle rockets at each other... again at highway speeds. We were young and dumb. But the Horizon had these channels just above the windows. These channels were ostensibly little rain gutters - but we knew better. They worked perfectly to hold and fire bottle rockets - especially right up the ass of a shiny new 1991 Plymouth Sundance.

After our triumphant bottlerocket exchange we headed for home. Eric lived 2 houses down from me and he pulled up infront of his house. Regan pulled the Horizon up infront of my house. We knew we had scored some devastating Worm hits against the SunDance and wanted to witness the carnage before Eric and his crew had time to peel them off. As Regan slowed the car - I opened the door (driver's side rear). I hung my legs out as the car slowed (I looked like a guy in a 'Nam movie - where they are sitting on the deck of a helo with their legs dangling over the skids). At this point "Allen" (name changed - for a reason that will be obvious later) touches my back and says "go". I would say he pushed my back - but it wasn't a push - he just set his hand there. Unfortunately, this was just enough force to start my body teetering forward. I had no way to stop my momentum except to put my "boat shoe" loafers on the ground. Once on the ground my weight was on them and I couldn't lift them back up. It was like one of those Chinsese finger puzzles - where the more you pull the more stuck you are (it really wasn't like that - I just like those).

The right rear tire made its way towards my left foot. In desparation I shifted my weight to my right side and got the foot out of the way. Now all of my weight had my right foot pinned - with no where to go. The Horizon continued its methodic death march towards my foot. Physics was fucking me in a bad way - I couldn't do anything as the tire started rolling over my foot. My foot turned from the pressure and my little toe side was forced to the ground awkwardly.

There are stories where 120 pound moms will pick up a car to save their babies. Somehow they can summon the strength when their loved ones are in trouble. Well I love my fucking feet - and I kicked into action. The tire was almost completely over my foot when I summoned the 120 pound mom inside me and yanked it free.

This entire sequence of events took about 1 second and no one was aware of it - except for me - as I felt pain shoot up my right side. I got out of the car and started hopping like a crazy man yelling, "my foot, my foot!! You ran over my foot!" Now in corny practical jokes 102 they actually teach this routine so NO ONE bought it. "Bullshit, shut up - lets go look at Eric's car"
"Look you fuckers!!" With boat shoes and no socks the skin on the right side of my foot took the brunt of the damage. I had effectively made the road a cheese grater with my foot being the cheese and the car being 2,000 psi pushing it all together. The right side of my foot was missing a bunch of skin and I was still hopping around. Finally from the light of the street lights (oh it was 1:00 in the morning) - they started to see the carnage.

It was right at this point that I realized that it didn't hurt. It didn't hurt!! Let me make something clear - if I pull off a Band Aid I almost cry - here I was missing a chunk of my foot and it didn't hurt! So we try to decide on a game plan. We'll go inside my house - get a "big bandage" and some Neosporin and cover it up. We'll see what she looks like in the morning - yes this is a solid plan. Parents *hate* to be woken up for silly shit like this. "Ok break!" It takes 20 seconds for our plan to fall down. I can't find the "big bandages" - I look all over but nothing. Shit. Okay - plan "b" - I'll try to ask my mom - but keep her in a sleepy haze - so she doesn't panic - ok cool - this will totally work.
"Um, I'm home - I'm going to bed"
"oh, mom..."
"where do we keep the uhh ummm 'big bandages' ?"
"wha wha WHA WHAT?!?!?! What happened? Who's hurt what's going on - I knew you shouldn't ride with those kids - what's happened???"

I have to explain this all to my mom. I am trying to convince her that I am fine and really only require a "big bandage". Well this won't do - she is convinced that I need to go to the hospital. Shit. She says how it is important and the right thing to do etc etc. So I'm like, "well let's go". She counters with, "I'm not taking you - we'll wake up your father." Fucking great.

So I ride the 45 minutes to the hospital - with my foot on the dash - listening to my dad, "explain this numb nuts manuver again. Dammit." (repeat).

I got a bunch of Xrays etc - but it turns out nothing was broken. I still needed crutches to allow the muscles to heal. Oh, I had "ripped muscles out of the side of my foot" - nice.

Anyway - of the guys in the car - "Allen" is the one I still correspond with the most. There are no hard feelings. To prove it I named my first kid after him - I mean that and to honor his military service.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Dort! (part 1 of 900)

Johnny Virgil is always telling great stories of his youth (he was quite a scamp). In one of his recent posts he talks about almost killing his brother. One of the ways he tortured his brother was by stripping down a camera and using the *massive* capacitor, that stores energy for the flash, to electrocute him. If you read the post you were probably like, "whoa that's f'd up" or "man he is crazy" or "holy shit could Johnny's posts be any fucking longer?" I didn't say any of those (well actually I did say that last one). I said, "yeah I did that" What? Yeah - that's right. I took apart a camera - and used its capacitor to store energy to for a primitive tazer. Primitive in design - not power. This is just one of 900 stories of my youth where someone should have been killed - but only hilarity insued.

I was "accelerated" in science class (NOT in english - GD I am illiterate). This meant that I took 7th and 8th grade science in 7th grade. So in 8th grade I took 9th grade science (with 9th graders). The older kids despised us "nerds" - I was fine with it (oh I ended up having sex with one of the older kids - so everyone can eat it!! I mean we are married now - but that still totally counts). This accelerated program allowed the smart kids to get 1 extra year of science senior year. Anyway - its not important to the story. The grade above me had nerds too - they were also accelerated. They had a particularly good stock of dorks and I gravitated to them. These friends were - Eric, Smellbad, Vern and Jack (their real names - fake names is too much work for me). I have almost killed, or been killed by each of these guys.

In 9th grade we discovered the "shocker" (not that shocker - sicko). No we bought super cheap "Teenage Mutant Ninja disposible cameras". Each one was equipped with a flash. We immediately took out the bulbs and left the 2 exposed leads. If you turned the camera on you would hear this loud whine as the capicitor stored up the lethal dose of electricity. Just like Johnny Virgil we started out by welding pennies with the shocker. *welding pennies*! We soon became bored with this and needed a human test subject. It just so happens that another nerd, Jamie, had been getting a bit uppity in physics class - yes - he would be the test subject. Smellbad and Jamie had been feuding for some time (Jamie glued Smellbad's backack shut after Smellbad filled his with water etc). Well, we were going t0 set a trap. We laid out our plan and sprung into action. We were in the chem lab and we cornered Jamie. Time to pay the piper bitch!! But Jamie was wily! He grabbed a bit of surgical tubing and hooked it to the sink in the lab. These sinks shot water at 10,000psi or something. He had a Super Soaker that could cut a man in half. We beat a hasty retreat behind some desks.

Jamie came in pursuit and Smellbad pounced. From Jamie's point of view it must have looked like Smellbad was about to take his picture with a broken TMNT camera - but he still reflexivly parried! The camera flew in the air and smashed into the ground.

Smellbad was pinned down with no shocker. He was in a bad way. I did a Navy Seal roll over to the shattered device. My plan was to grab it and throw it to Smellbad. Jamie was still within arms reach and was easy prey. I reached down to grab it - and then it happened... The plastic cover was broken and the camera was not much more than a raw circuit board. As I grabbed it - I must have close some circuit - because it fired. I was knocked back and my hand fucking hurt. I looked down and through the slight whiff of burnt flesh I saw that the circuit tracings had imprinted on my hand. It hurt - but it was pretty cool. Realizing Jamie had us - and we were defenseless we escaped. Damn you Jamie - I'll get you next time!!!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

All the cool kids are doing it

I got tagged by both Sarahs (I think) anyway I'll get this over with...

10 years ago:
I watched my roommates smoke pot just about every day
I got a job at Kodak making $10/hr - that's right bitches $10!
I switched my major to Computer Science
I had been dating my wife for 4 years
I could swim faster than you

5 years ago:
I worked with a great team, sitting in the same area, getting paid to be on-call
I had zero kids
I lived in an apartment
I could have sex whenever I wanted (I mean if I was allowed)
I finally got to prove Y2K was a big hoax

1 year ago:
My wife was 8.5 months pregnant with my 2nd kid
I started finishing my basement (which still isn't done)
My transmission started slipping (this would later cost me $2000)
My oldest kid turned 2 and continued to be the center of my life
My lawn looked awesome

I ate KFC for lunch
I worked about 12 hours
I got a free beer from a vendor - cool!
I ate a KitKat and a Twix - and fel bad about it
I cuddled with my wife on the couch and watched Monk - it was great!

I get to play sand volleyball, which I love
I am due for more bad news at work
I will watch the show, "Over There" which is amazing
I will try to write a blog post about when I was a kid
I will have to do any stuff I put off from today

I enjoy:
Rice Krispie Treats
Rum and Coke
Having my kids fall asleep in my arms

5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics to most of their songs:
Guns n' Roses
Alice in Chains

5 things I'd do with $100,000,000:
Pay for college for all of my friends' kids
Buy a house in New York
Buy a radio controlled hellicopter
Invent any of the stupid things I've ever thought of
Become a total prick to anyone who pisses me off at work

5 locations I'd like to run away to:
Quebec City
Home (I am at work)

5 bad habits I have:
Not putting my dishes in the dish washer
Being neurotic about being on time
Poor spelling
Drinking soda
shooting heroine

5 things I like doing:
Going on vacation with friends
Putting my kids to sleep
Watching my kids learn something new
Playing volleyball
Making people look like a total asshole - if they are one

5 things I will never wear:
Tight shirts
A "scrunchie"
Steelers logo merchandise
a tu-tu
anything anti-American

5 TV shows I like:
Over There
Dead Zone
Aqua Team Hunger Force
Indians Baseball

5 movies I like:
Office Space
All 6 Star Wars (that's right ALL six - I am not an original trilogy snob)
Shawshank Redemption
Team America

5 people I'd like to meet:
The fucker that gave the green light to launch the Chalenger in cold weather - I'll fucking cut that guy
My dad's dad
Osama - then I could yell "He's over here - get him!!"
Ronald Reagan

5 biggest joys at the moment:
FM radio (I was without it for quite a time)
My friends Erik and Jill getting married
My son learning to walk
My son feeding me pretzels
Making enough money so that my wife can stay home

5 favorite toys:
ReplayTV - for real - get one
Projector (I have a home movie projector)
2-way pager
pneumatic nail gun

Monday, August 08, 2005

Has anyone seen my ass around here?

I don't dance, as Seinfeld said, "Oh, because it's stupid." My wife really likes to dance - she is good at it and has lots of fun. At our wedding she mostly danced with my best man - he likes to dance too - so it worked out for everyone. Sure I slow danced with her (by which I mean I shuffled my feet a little). I danced to "our" song, "Love of a Lifetime" by FireHouse. Go ahead - make fun of it Sarah - I'll fucking cut you.

Anyway, I don't dance - because I look like a 6'4" douche writhing in pain. Well this weekend I was the best man at my friends wedding. A few weeks ago I attended a different wedding, and no one danced. Well that shit wasn't happening on my watch. So on the first chord of "Disco Fever" (or something - I don't listen to dance music) I charged out on the floor and got jiggy!! I flipped my collar up and was thrusting one finger in the air violently. I was the *only* person on the dance floor - but I didn't care. (I know pictures of this exist - FYI). Anyway, I danced my ass off - at least 80% of the night I was out there do the "weed whacker" and the "row boat" (which maybe I got confused - because I think maybe they were saying do the "robot" but I don't care). I was like Napoleon Dynamite doin' my thing.

That's right - step off sucka MC's.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Tourette's fit

I IM'd John and told him that if I had a 5 minute Tourette's fit (oh and that is how you spell it you fucker) that I might feel better. Well here goes.

This is a fuck! Fuck the fucking fuckers. fuck fuck fuck. God dammit - this is bullshit, son of a bitch - cock sucking M Fing piece of shit bastard son of a bitch. Eat a cock, eat a cock, eat a cock!! Ass, mother bitch! whore-fest-2005 piece of shit - crap'n mother. LOUD WORDS! Bitches - hoochies and mommas. FUCK! Piece of shit - PC load letter!?! FUCK FUCK God Dammit.

Okay - I don't feel any better - but I am going to go break something. Peace out - you mother fuckers.