(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


John coined term "tabernacle" to describe his safe place to "go" in our building. There are 3 bathrooms on our floor and they are all pretty high traffic - finding a safe haven is key to surviving the work dump. I have my place - but will give no details here. I don't want anyone else going there.

Besides shitty drivers - I think my biggest gripe in life is public restrooms. I have had this angry fire burning in my stomach for years. It is perfect for a post - but I have refrained. My fear is that I will miss some detail about stuff that pisses me off and when I realize it - I will be more pissed off. But it is time. I am going to give it my best. [okay - I have to split this into 2 posts - my urinal bit is running long]

  • These are a great idea. For the times you don't want to sit in other people's VD - you can stand in a puddle of their piss.
  • Even numbered urnials should *never* be used. So if there are 3 urinals - and #1 and #3 are taken. Just hang back for a minute. Don't wedge yourself in there. (exception - football games, Halftime is only so long)
  • At my office - there are 3 urinals. The one on the left is "low" (like for all of the little kids at my office?) Anyway - people avoid that one. Fine avoid it - but use the one on the right!!! These idiots always go to the middle one. Great. You just monopolized a whole row of urinals - because I don't want to be that close to you.
  • The divider walls at my work are pathetic - just pathetic. The come out from the wall about 6 inches. They don't go to the floor and they don't go all the way up to your eyes. WTF? What are they divding?
  • Urinals are not a spitoon - lets keep the hocking of lugies to a minimum please
  • Ice in urinals. Women may not be aware of this - but some establishments put ice in there. It is... awesome!!! You get to pee and have fun melting things. I give this a thumbs up.
  • Newspaper above urinal. YES!!! Do this. BUT the even numbered urinals should have no newspaper - just a sign that says "if you can read this - you're probably gay"
  • Urinal cakes - hey could you make these smell any nastier? Do women know what urinal cakes are? When would they have occasion to see them?
  • Sensor flush is a nice touch. Sometimes there is fluid on the handle. Now that could be a leaky pipe - or condensation - but it could be other stuff too. I ain't taking any chances here.
  • here I sit - feeling incomplete - knowing I forgot something.... Oh well. time to hit the "Publish Post" button.


Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Most of the time, sensor flush is wasted. Once in a while though, someone has actually thought this through. The ultimate men's room is at the Kirby Center in PA. Sensor flush, sensor soap, sensor water, sensor towels and no door -- just an S-shaped entrance. The added, final, perfect touch: automatic paper seat cover dispenser. I have no idea how it works, but you do NOT want to be sitting there when it comes out to do its thing. Other than that though....the Perfect Storm.

12:54 PM

Blogger Sara Z. said...

The women's rooms where I work have urinal cakes. They hook onto the side of the seat, smelling like vomit, as is their job. Actually, I have more a problem with the name than the smell. How could they give something like that a name that even remotely resembles the name of something yummy?

About sensor flush: there is this one toilet at my gym that mistakenly sensor-flushes as you are sitting, given you an unbeckoned ass-shower. If I wanted a bidet, I'd live in France.

3:59 PM

Blogger Brian said...

my goal in life is not to raise a great family or live a great life, but to have my own toilet at work. a view with a window would also be nice.

8:07 PM

Blogger John said...

"if you can read this - you're probably gay" that's so effing funny. It's the greatest thing you've never said out loud.

Also I used to get ass showered by the misfiring electronic eye at the technical training center I used to go to. Even when it didn't misfire and I was actually finished and standing up it would fire as expected but a tsunami of fresh water fires out of the back and just hoses you down while you're standing up even. I like a good hige pressure flush but let me get out of there first.

9:31 PM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I disagree with the newspaper above the urinal. It encourages many people to engage you in bad conversations. For example:
"Hey, Shamus. Check this out. Did you see this story about the car bomb killing those Iraqi policemen? You know what I'd do if I was over there...."
"Hey, Mr. Brokaw, I'm trying to take a pizzle over here. Save you insightful news commentary for your shrink, who you pay to listen. I've got a shy bladder and not much for the urinal chit-chat. "

8:41 AM

Blogger Hugh Janus said...

Maybe the sensor flush toilet flushing before you are done isn't a misfire.

I think it was an innovation created by someone like me, the aforementioned pee shy/poo shy guy with bladder and anal sphincters hooked into a, sort of, central nervous system GFCI. (ground fault circuit interrupter for those who don't know - of course if you don't know that anagram, then you still may not know after I've stated what it stands for)

But I digress...

Okay, so I'm this puss with sissified plumbing. Someone comes in and breaks through the security cordon (stall/urinal next door), my waste evacuation GFCI is tripped and all electrical activity to my sphincters stops, trapping me in an awkward situation.

The solution is simple, sensor toilet with a time limit for those people like Prunty who have unpacked their belongings and are set for a relaxing stay.

5 minutes elapses, toilet flushes, exposed loins and assorted hang-downs doused with a spray of toilet filth.

After repeated failure to heed toilet's not-so-subtle hints to evacuate quickly and evacuate quickly, toilet camper will become riddled with all sorts of diseases, worms and other ass crawlies.

Success and vengeance to the weak sphinctered inventor of the timer sensor toilet.

11:11 AM

Blogger Sarah said...

Hugh Janus, you just made me pee a little and throw up a little. That comment was way too funny for someone in my condition and on my level of painkillers.

12:34 PM

Blogger Hugh Janus said...

Unfortunately, I'm posting all my 'A' material and hogging up space on other people's blogs (sorry scott). That may be a blog faux pas. I don't know. I'm just a caveman. (said in a Phil Hartman voice in my head)

From now on, maybe I'll read everyone else's blogs and then rip off their ideas and run with them on my own blog.

Mmmmmm....painkillers. (said in a Homer Simpson voice in my head)

2:14 PM


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