(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Friday, February 04, 2005

Get out of my way!

Mid Walkers
How come the slower someone walks - the more of the hall they seem to be able to take up? I am 6' 4" and my legs carry me at a pretty good clip. But for some reason I am constantly getting stuck behind people in the hall. Apparently, they are from some country where you drive in the middle (not on the left or right). So there they are - the hall is 2.8 bodies wide and they are taking up 1 body width right in the middle. So there is .9 of a body width on either side. So I could accelerate and squeeze awkwardly by or just suffer - screaming in my head "MOVE - MOVE!!!" Sometimes I'll zigzag back and forth - like the formula-1 guys do to keep their tires warm but what I want to do is scream, "get out of the way you useless fuck!"

Hard Chargers
My coworkers and I spend countless hours talking about Hard Chargers and marveling at their ignorance. Here is a brief explanation [let me stop right here and say that English and grammar are not my thing - so if you see some missing commas or misspelled words - well you just fucking keep it to yourself] ... Where was I? Oh, Hard Chargers - a Hard Charger is someone who inappropriately accelerates into or out of an elevator. So you are on the elevator and the doors open up. Before you can move towards the exit - a guy that is waiting at the floor you stopped on - just bull rushes in. You have no way to escape to the floor you want to get off at. He, my friends, is a hard charger. Hard Chargers piss me off - bad. They have the perception that the elevator is really just dedicated to them and no one else would really be using it. Generally a H.C. warning sign is running up and pressing the up or down button repeatedly - even though it is already illuminated. Another Hard Charger tactic is to dive to be the first one on the elevator - even though you are only traveling 1 floor. So the H.C. dives in and then when the elevator stops 1 floor later - he has to push back through everyone to get off. Nice work jackwad. The Hard Charger's lethargic cousin is the Slow Charger. The Slow Charger is much more rare - but equally annoying. The S.C. will move so slowly as to cause you disruption. Here are two S.C. scenarios. 1 - you want to get on the elevator and you are waiting. It comes but the S.C. is so slow the doors close before he gets there. I am not even shitting you - this has happened to me. 2 - The other S.C. move is to not get out of your way in time for you to get off at your floor. "Excuse me.... Excuse me... Excu..." [doors close]

Why do people make me want to do grievous bodily injury to them??


Blogger Tigerlily said...

GOD DAMN THE MID WALKER! I seriuosly want to kick those people in the back of the head and yell "haha, gotcha bitch!", and run full speed past them in a victory lap.

9:27 AM

Blogger Erik with a K said...

If the elevator is full, and you're at the front and it stops at a floor that is not yours, GET THE EFF OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND LET PEOPLE OUT.

You stupid motherfuckers.

Happened to me yesterday! What do they think, i can turn to a noble gas and seep through the cracks in the flank?

9:37 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Have you ever been a hard charger by mistake? I have. There's a few people here who love to hide around the front corner, near the button panel. The elevator opens, it appears empty, so you start to get on, only to come face to face with the person who just popped out from the hidden corner.

9:51 AM

Blogger Scott said...

right - like fuckin' Charlie in the tree line.

Oh Erik, I witness that shit yesterday - you had to walk around about 80% of the surface of the elevator just to get around thgat totally oblivious douche.

10:13 AM

Blogger Sarah said...

Mid Walkers - I agree with you about mid walkers, but just FYI for everyone else, Scott doesn't walk at a pretty good clip. Scott walks at warp speed. You could be running a 1 minute mile, and Scott would catch up to you with his normal gait. So sometimes you become a mid walker even with having the best of intentions. So as a precaution you should always walk really close to the wall. Almost to the point of freaking others out.

Hard Chargers/Slow Chargers - If you are waiting for the Slow Charger to get on the elevator before you do and the doors close before he and you get on, doesn't that make you a Really Slow Charger?

1:47 PM

Blogger danielle said...

what about the 'hallway runners'? these people actually run full speed through the building because they might be 1 minute late to a meeting. it's always the same dumbasses and it's always so disruptive that you're forced to leap right out of your chair so you can catch a glimpse of this a-hole.

6:29 PM

Blogger John said...

we have a crazy lady on our floor who is in a dead sprint every day at quittin' time so she doesn't miss her bus. I wonder sometimes why she doesn't leave 4 minutes earlier, then I wonder why she calls me Ted.

10:49 PM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Ever feel embarrassed passing somebody? I feel bad passing really old people, but hey, I got some livin to do.

12:49 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Shamus, that happened to me getting off the plane today! I was behind two old mid-walkers who were walking like they were taking a sunday stroll in the frickin' park, and I had to piss so bad, I think that if another second went by, I may have actually pushed them to the floor and walked on them. But they noticed me warming my tires behind them and they finally let me through.

10:36 PM

Blogger mc said...

We have a lot of blind people where I work and trying to get around them is horrible. You feel bad because they're blind but at the same time they are walking incredibly slow and swinging a big white stick back and forth so as to trip anyone that tries to go around them. You can't exactly tell them to get out of the way because, well, they don't really know the "way" you are referring to.

11:53 AM


Post a Comment

<< Home