(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I have a question

I am finishing my basement. Ever tile, every stud, every piece of drywall I put up with my own hands. So I am totally the f'ing man. Maybe some day I'll post pictures - but probably not - let's face it I am pretty lazy. Here is where the question comes in. On Monday night I was adding a heat duct to the family room. So I drill into the main heat duct for my house - cut a 6" hole with tin snips in the *main heat duct* of my house. This is not the kind of thing you can hit "Ctrl-z" and undo. Anyway, I connect the main dust to a new 6" duct - hook it to the vent on the ceiling ("i" before "e".... - ah who gives a fuck). So its 11:30pm (on a school night) and I am surrounded by pieces of ductwork, pieces of aluminum tape, my drill, tin snips, a pair of leather working gloves and my trusty razor blade. The vent is in and works like a fucking champ (oh and looks awesome). So I'm the man - right? Well I realize I am listening to a Billy Joel CD. (Not like the "Piano Man" or something quasi-manly) but stuff from River of Dreams - which is all sappy love stuff. So here is my question - am I gay?

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Thank you.

Here's the deal - I am in a support role at work. I fix things for people or help them in various ways. My life goal is to get every single Email out of my Inbox by addressing the issue and then removing the message. I like to watch the count go down as a I address more and more issues throughout the day. When I do something for someone I generally write them a short Email "This is fixed", "I addressed this issue by deleting that file" etc. Then I get rid of their request from my Inbox - hooray for me 1 message closer to nirvana.

But sometimes the people write back, "Thank you". NO! Do not thank me! The way you can thank me is by not littering my fucking Inbox with worthless Emails thanking me. My reward is never hearing from you again - ever! Please don't thank me. Deleting your message was all the reward I needed.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


"Tonight - on an all new "ER" - the ER erupts!! [shouting] A disaster that no one could have predicted - and no one was prepared for..."

God "ER" sucks. Does anyone watch this show anymore? I swear they have to keep one-upping themselves to the point where it is ridiculous. They had like a helicopter hit the ER - then a plane then a jet... "No one in the ER is prepared when Mars is pulled into the earths gravity well and smashes into the ER. [Kovac shouting] 'We've got casualties --- both Martian and American!! I need 2 units of O-negative STAT!! - oh and Kendra - the baby is mine and I do love you!"

In college (9 years ago - when this show didn't totally suck a bag) I used to watch it. It was awesome because my Roomate's parents were from India. His dad was a doctor. So one time we are discussing "ER" (you have to imagine this in a thick Indian accent for it to be awesome). "This show is ridiculous. Every man that comes through the door - they give him O-negative!! You don't just give every man O-negative [he is speaking excitedly with a thick accent - it is awesome] It is ridiculous - we don't behave like that! You type his blood - you don't just give him O-neg. You give him a Cherry Icee. [dammit - that was my racist side implying that all Indians work at convenience stores]"

Okay - bottom line "ER" sucks it.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Blue Tooth

If you wear one of those Blue Tooth enabled ear pieces - you look like a complete moron. *Everyone* thinks you look like a totally self-important asshole. You think you look cool and connected and important. But you look like a complete douche. Trust me - you look like an asshole. Especially if you are not talking on it - it is just hanging out in your ear. You look like this guy from Star Wars. Now this guy might be getting laid on Cloud City - but trust me - you will not be. Please for the love of God take that stupid piece of shit out of your ear (unless you are in a car or taking enemy fire)

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Conspicuous consumption

Nothing on earth pisses me off more than conspicuous consumption (cc). I think it is the most pointless, selfish, self destructive behavior in man. "I can't afford to raise my kids - but I am going to buy a Navigator." Spending outside your means is stupid - but doing so for the "benefit" of others is retarded.

Here is a simple test. Your car has wrappers and junk inside - and is also dirty on the outside. You only have time to clean the inside or go to the car wash - not both - which do you do? If you clean the outside you may be headed down the path of caring more about what other people think about you than your own safety/comfort. I couldn't give a shit about washing my car - EVER! It is retarded - what the fuck is the point? I don't give a flying fuck what people think about me, my car or its external cleanliness. I want a car that I fit in and has AM/FM/CD and AC. I don't need any "bling" - Jesus H Christ - the word "bling" exists because cc is so fucking rampant that we need an easy way to describe some absolutely ridiculous shit that you don't need. A $6 purse from WalMart will hold your lipstick, money and tampons - WHY IN THE HELL would you buy essentially the same thing, but with some fucking guy's initials on it for $400?? Why? What the fuck is wrong with society? If my wife comes home with a Lois Viton (I won't even bother to look up how to spell that) hand bag. I will do 2 things (1) Punch her directly in the face (2) return it.

When you buy something the last thing you should think is, "what will **** think of this." You misguided douche - you should buy the thing that fits, tastes, drives the best [period]. Buying shit you can't afford to impress other people is stupid and you can confirm this stupidity by looking at your credit card bill.

If cc didn't exist kids could focus on learning and saving money - not wasting everything to impress the other uneducated assholes around them. If you have a mortgage, child support, alimony, credit card debt you should NOT be in a Navigator - you can't fucking afford it! Do you get that? You live pay check to pay check so that your buddies will think you have a nice ride. Then they go buy a better one and then someone else buys a better one - you all can't afford it - but you keep one upping each other until someone has to be broke or break the law to keep up.

Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking assholes. God dammit cc pisses me off so bad. I have never written about it - because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to capture in words how fucking stupid I think it is. If you ever see me in person you will know cc is not my deal. I drive a functioning, but not very clean car, I live in a house that every square inch is useable (no weird peaks or points to make it look bigger - but not actually provide living space). My clothes are adequate to cover me but have no designer names (or signs of ironing). My kids clothes and shoes are mostly from garage sales - or the bargain bin. WHY - Why the fuck would you spend more than $5 on kids shoes?? They outgrow them and get them dirty immediately. Why would you pay any more than $5 for them - you misguided cc fools. I get my hair cut at Best Cuts - whenever I get around to it. My TV, stereo, computers were all bought when I needed them to suit my purposes and fit my lifestyle.

This went from angry into some weird sort of self-affirmation. Anyway cc is so fucking stupid that I can't stand it - that is the point.