(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Friday, February 25, 2005

Me vs. the peanut M&M

So I spend most of my blogging life trying to make chicks think that I am funny and dateable. Then if things don't work out with the wife I've got some shit lined up on the side. To this end I will mercilessly kiss the ass of any woman who posts here. So let's get that shit rolling. Toren (who is awesome) recently wrote a post about almost getting killed by a Cheeto (tm). I have a similar story. It is the story of how I fell in love with the wife.(oh just a heads up to those reading the first paragraph - no way I am cheating on the wife - she is way better than you - that is why I married her. That and the story that follows).I have been with the wife for like 14 years. But *really* early on - like in the first few weeks that we were dating - we went to a high school football game together. (right we're high school sweethearts ... awwwwww). I am renowned for eating *really* fast. I can do this because I chew my food sparingly and swallow whatever sized chunk of unchewed food is in there. So at this game I am eating peanut M&Ms. I pop one in my mouth and think, "I can swallow this whole I bet" (I would lose this bet). The confection lodged part way down my throat. <> [internal monologue] "This is not fucking good. Okay, let's stay cool. Okay - it got down that far it must be able to get back out. Try to cough." I tried to cough - nothing happens. "Okay, the wife is going to think you are a total knob if she figures out you are choking. Man up you p**sy and swallow it.!!" I try desperately to swallow.... nothing. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!! Do I tap her on the shoulder? Goddammit!!" At this point I fall to me knees. I don't have the oxygen requried to stand. The wife assess the situation and determines I am choking. Does she call for help? NO! Does she do the Hymlich? NO! She punches me. Hard. In the back. I immediately puke the hapless candy out (along with other "stuff"). I stand back up and she kisses me!!! She kisses me!! I puked like 3 seconds ago and she kissed me!! I should have proposed on the fucking spot - I didn't - but I knew she was the one.


Blogger Tigerlily said...

That is the most effin cool thing I have ever read. GO WIFE!
How incredibly sacchrin, I HEART you both. (thanks Sarah for reintroducing heart into my life, how I missed it)

4:54 PM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

The funniest thing about this post is that you actually bleeped p**sy, then in the next sentence said "fuck, fuck, fuck."

6:06 PM

Blogger John said...

my wife rules more because she gave me permission to hook up with Toren for a short lived pleasure junket. (really short)

9:56 PM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I almost choked to death on rice at a lunch with 10 co-workers, 4 of whom are volunteer EMS. Did they volunteer to help when I was asphixiating? No, the Mama-san of the establishment came over and gave me a migthy whack on back and almost knocked me into my won-ton soup, but it dislodged the offending rice. "You hokey, yes?" "Yes Mama-san." If I ever keel over at work, I'm done for.

8:54 AM

Blogger Scott said...

Did you marry said mama-san? 'Cause that's what I would have done.

1:03 PM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Well, like you, I also have a backup list in case this first marriage doesn't work out. Mama-san is right up there. Of course, then I'd have to join the family business.
"You want egg role with that? FOUR DOLLAR FIFTY CENT."
Dont bet me, cuz I could do it.

2:44 PM

Blogger Sarah said...

1. I had a dream that Scott's wife dumped him for someone else and then told him he should date me. When I told her the dream she was like, "Yeah I mean if I was going to leave him I would probably push him your direction." She is awesome.

2. Sorry, Shamus, but who the hell chokes on rice?

5:13 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never pass up free ass kissing (when I am the recipient.)

11:27 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


There are part of English grammar for a reason.

2:24 PM

Blogger Sarah said...

You can't make fun of someone about grammar and write "There are" instead of "They are". It kind of stomps all over your own point there, champ.

2:50 PM

Blogger John said...

It's funny how everyone named anonymous sucks. It's kinda like how everyone named Sarah is hot and everone named Denvil is a loser.

2:58 PM

Blogger Hugh Janus said...

That entire 'anonymous' sentence is amusing.

Not only is the 'there are' typo a gem but I debate whether the term "English grammar" is correct.

At the very least it's redundant. In what other language are these posts?

And I'm not even sure 'grammar' is the correct word in that instance.

All around foot-in-mouthery.

6:28 PM


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