(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Friday, January 28, 2005

National Anthem

On 9/12 I decided 2 things.
(1) If I see a plane hit a building I am going toward not away. I think in an emergency you have to make a choice - and I made mine that day. If the same thing happens again I am going full speed to the building to help people if I can. Someone I care about very much works in a tall building and she's not dying on my watch.

(2) I am going to sing the National Anthem (audibly) at every event possible. I have always sung the National Anthem, but by sung I mean sort of mumbled the words. On 9/12 I realized "those" people want to kill people in my country. Well fuck them. And people in my country were going to war to allow me to be at a baseball game. So now I sing it out loud everytime - embarassment won't overcome patriotism again.

The weekend after 9/11 the Browns had a home game and security was intense. If you had a purse you had 2 choices - take it back to your car and stand in the huge line again - or throw it out. So we are in the, very long, search line. We headed over at the normal time - but all of the additional scrutiny was taking a long time. I was fine with it - I mean I wanted to be safe (I have literally the highest and shitiest seats in the stadium. read: least likely to escape.) Well the lady behind me is going crazy. "OH, this is fantastic!! We buy seats and we are going to miss half of the game!! This is great - this is totally pointless!! God look at this line!! They better not touch my bag!" My blood was literally boiling - I knew someone who was dead and this lady is pissed about her slight inconvenience. I was thinking of a million replies. My buddy Justin could see I was near the breaking point. I was hoping her husband would say something - because so help me I would have beat his ass to the ground that second. However, since she was a women - I contained the shear rage in me while she kept going on and on.

Well at this point the National Anthem is starting. Note to you dear reader - if you do not take off your hat during the National Antehem - I want to kill you. I am staring at you and thinking things like, "You unpatriotic fuck" and "Our grandfathers died for YOU?" Anyway, this lady keeps going, "This is fantastic - we are going to miss the whole first half!!!" I wanted to beat her savagely - 3,000 people are dead and she is pissed about missing part of a football game. I wheel around - to about 6 inches from her and I am singing the National Anthem full-go. I am just belting it out - I am half hoping her husband will intervene, so he can pay for her sins. Well, apparently this lady knows crazy when she sees - because she finally shuts the fuck up.


Not a lot makes me cry. Here are 5 things I can remember making me cry in the past few years
(1) Hearing my wife in pain when my kid was born
(2) The movie "Homeward Bound" (I cry everytime - fuck you - I am too a man)
(3) Watching footage of the Challenger blowing up (especially if there is music)
(4) When jets fly over during the National Anthem
(5) On 9/11 when I got an Email from my sister-in-law saying simply that she and her sister were still alive.

I'll exbound on a few.
(3) Something about the Challenger hit me hard. I think it was some kind of slap in the face that bad things can happen. Every time I watch the footage I am screaming in my head - no please not again - please let it make it this time. Then I see that distinct smoke trail and it is done - they are gone.
(4) America is so fucking bad ass - and the National Anthem gets me so fired up (I will have a post on this). And jets get me even more fired up - "America Fuch Yeah!!!" Anyway the combination is too much for me to take.
(5) On 9/11 I remember trying to go to the Internet and it was slow. I even yelled at our Internet guy (a move that I regret to this day in hindsight). My coworker listens to Howard Stern at his desk and he was giving us the play-by-play but I assumed that it was a small plane etc. Then he said the tower fell and I was all, "No way - you mean the top fell of right?" You were there - I don't need to tell you. So I am pretty dazed. And I get an Email from my sister-in-law (who lives in NYC) - it is very brief (I am getting goose bumps thinking about it) but it says she and her boyfirend are alive and fine and her sister and brother-in-law are okay too. They are all together and everyone is OKAY!! Do you get it - my fucking family could ahve been dead!!! At this point I call my wife and tell her the news - she totally breaks down on the phone and I tell her that I love her and get off the phone (hey National Emergency or no I hate the phone). At this point we are told that we can leave. I walked to my car with Mufflet and we talked a bit - she made me feel better and it was nice to have a friend at that moment (thanks Mufflet). When we both got home we paged each other and that made me feel good too. I made it through the day and several days following - fortunately no one I knew died... Or so I thought. A few days later I got an Email letting me know that Alicia, my dear friend from college, lost her brother. He worked for Canter Fitzgerald (which was irradicated). My wife and I drove to NY for the funeral. It was awful - just fucking awful. The widow was 8 months pregnant and had to be carried down the aisle as she could not support her sobbing body.

Well - this post went in a direction that makes the title not make sense - but I am leaving it there. Oh and FUCK YOU terrorists - we will fucking hunt you down and fucking kill you, you pathetic cave-dwelling fucks.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Dolphins and Camels and Monkeys, oh my!

Here's something that pisses me off - and I can't really explain why. I'll be watching TV or at the zoo or something and I'll say, "Oh look at the camel!" Then some asshole always feels the urge to say, "Actually that is a dromedary - you can tell by the number of humps." What? Fuck you - you useless fact spouting moron.

On to the primate area. [me] "Oh sweet, check out that monkey!!" [them] "Actually that is a chimpanzee not a monkey you can tell [gurgling noise as I fucking choke them]" Who is this distinction helping? I mean really - who the fuck is benefiting from the distinction. Will there be a day that I am stuck on a rope bridge and someone will yell, "Go to the chimpanzee NOT the monkey - the monkey has rabies!" I mean why is the person correcting me? Have I offended the monkey's sensibilities? I mean they are pretty refined - with the poop flinging and all. Thanks, I'd hate to insult the little guy as his bare red ass runs around in a cage.

Finally we make it to the dolphins. People love dolphins. Dolphins piss me off for this very reason. Now I know that dolphins are not fish - but I like to say it. [me] "Dolphins are the coolest fish ever!!" [them] "Actually, dolphins are mammals because they breathe air and have live you and .... (goes on for 5 minutes) and they are also extremely intelligent. They have so many brain folds that (5 more minutes) and rescue diving teams too!!!" [me] "Um, if they are so smart why do they end up in tuna fish? I mean I am not complaining - because they are delicious"

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Stacey's Mom

So there is a new Dr. Pepper ad and it has the song "Stacey''s Mom" in the background. There is a total MILF marketing ploy (which I might add is a master-stroke - but the mom is actually not that hot). Anyway, Sarah's post got me thing about Dr. Pepper. I have a much better marketing scheme for the folks over at Dr. Pepper. "Drink Dr. Pepper - get laid!" Yep, that's the slogan and I could be the pitch man. You see, back in the 90's Scott was a virgin - but then one night all of that changed. And on that night my "lady friend" and I both drank Dr. Pepper (I shit you not - this is true). I think there was a direct cause and effect relationship - and I think without Dr. Pepper, I'd still be a virgin to this day. Now that is just what the Dr. ordered. Thanks Dr. P.

Weird Feelings

Here are a few things that evoke weird feelings that you don't normally get.
  • Booger finger. Ever get a booger on your finger an you like flick and shake but it won't come off? And the finally you think its off and really it moved to another finger? It is a weird kind of unique aggrevation
  • Plugged toilet. Ever flush and the water goes up - not down? That is a special and unique kind of panic.
  • Cops. Actually the toilet panic is not unique. The same ass-puckering fear comes when you are going 90MPH and blow past a cop. Man, that is a total "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck" kind of panic.
Okay - there are more - but I have to write about Dr. Pepper.

Infinite Supply

So I have this piece of paper on my desk that I use for jotting down things that piss me off. I thought I'd need it to save up for a "slow day". Here's the thing - lots of shit pisses me off and I really can't type as fast as I am being bombarded by stupid shit - that coupled with the fact that my job keeps getting in the way of posting means that some stuff will never make it off the list. Here is something that pissed me off this morning. I came into work at 6:00am (thanks Wayne), so I was up at 4:30am watching TV. There is a commercial from Phillip Morris talking about how they can help to prevent teen smoking. "Our 'We Card' signs and parent guides can help you talk with your teen about smoking." Um... what? Hey fucking Phillip Morris - if you want kids to stop smoking QUIT FUCKING MAKING CIGARETTES!!! Novel idea eh? See with no cigarettes the whole "talk it over with mom and dad" thing is sort of moot. Oh also thanks for the placement - most 13-17 year olds are up at 4:30am and watching "Your Finance" (or whatever the fuck I was watching). [Phillip Morris board room] "We have to make these ads, but we don't want to actually discourage anyone from smoking... Hey lets put them on when no one is awake except heroin addicts - they already have bigger problems."

Phillip Morris coming out "against" cigarettes is like Microsoft coming out "against" computer viruses. Hey Microsoft, if you stop wrting your total shit Operating System, Web Browser and Outlook code THERE WOULD BE NO VIRUSES. So, you see, instead of fighting viruses you could just close - that would achieve the goal because your swiss cheese, piece of shit, software would be gone. Same to Phillip Morris - just close.

New Kids on the Block

I finally took the 15 seconds needed to add some links to other sites. I realized that not linking was a bit selfish and lazy. Here are a breakdown of the links. I have 2 sections "hotties" and "others" - I will describe how I know the person (and how I know they are hot).

Sarah - One of my closest friends. We have worked together for 5 years - but I am really not sure what she does...
Sarah (Urban Princess) - [Plea to all males in Salt Lake City] - if you like hot, funny chicks that are into hockey please find this girl. Guys, please do not "whip it out" during a date (read this fucking hilarious post for details)
Toren - Lives in Maryland (somewhere in the hills I think). Has a tongue ring and likes Guinness. It looks like she has a man - so please focus dating efforts on Sarah or Sarah. Here is a Toren quote - "I hate that the sound of a dog licking it's balls, and the sound of stirring macaroni & cheese is the same."
danielle - danielle doesn't use any caps. it weirds me out!

Mark - Works with me and is the best blog writer you are going to find. They are longer than most - but also funnier
John - Also works with me. Has a New Years Resolution to be to work by 8am three times a week. He's not even close - and I think his boss hates him.
Erik - Another coworker. He's the new guy on the street - and he can breakdance like a MoFo.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


Okay, I complain about everything. I have actually said to my boss (in response to his asking why I didn't fix some issue within my power) "No, I'd rather leave it that way and just keep complaining about it - it's what I do." One thing that should be off limits to males is complaining about cold - suck it up Nancy. But oh my fucking god it is so muther f'ing cold in my fucking office it is ridiculous. I am not even kidding it is like 50 degrees in here - you can feel the temperature drop as you walk down the hall. I want to roll a 55 gallon drum in here and light a fire and stand by it like a hobo.

Okay - I will survive the cold, that is not the main issue. The main issue is that I have to piss like every 5 seconds. I am not a "no hands" so I must put at least one of my hands on my "junk". Somehow my core temperature is staying at about 92 degrees - but my hands are about 32 degrees. So I have to fish my frightened friend out with my ice cold hand. It is the anotomical equivilent of having someone dump ice water on you while you sleep. Holy crap it is cold.

I had to share this with you - I feel that we are closer.

Roe v Wade

So you're thinking - has this gone from a total insano rant to some politicized piece of crap?? No way. I will take no stance on Roe v Wade except that I hate it. Not the decision itself (I really have no idea what the case was even about). No I am pissed that it happened on a specific date. So now, EVERY year, on that date, I have to hear about it on the news. "...landmark Supreme Court Case... blah blah blah.... abortion protesters lined the mall in DC.... blah blah... still controversial to this day. Back to you Gene and Carol." Ugh!! Enough already - jesus, let it go.

Other "dates that piss me off"
April 15 --
EVERY FUCKING YEAR I have to have a live camera shot outside of some Post Office that is open until midnight for the tax deadline. "Chuck and Kathy we are here outside the Orange Ave., Post Office here in downtown. Let's talk to a few last minute filers." "Why so late this year?" (their answer) "Well I really didn't get around to it and I left it to the last minute." (translation) "I am a totally worthless piece of crap."

Tuesday Before Thanksgiving --
"Gina and Tim I am here at Cleveland Hopkins Airport and as you can see the lines are quite long." "Whare are you headed sir?" "I am going to Florida to see my parents." "Thanks. Gina and Tim as you know today is the busiest travel day of the year. Triple-A exstimates that 70% of Ameircas will travel 50 miles or more... back to you" (Then Gina adds something like - "well please drive carefully out there and take your time") Fuck you Gina.

Friday After Thanksgiving --
Black Friday. How is this news? It is the same shit EVERY year. I'll skip the stupid commentator quotes - you've all seen it.

December 24 --
Oh please kill me now. "Brian and Suzanne I am here at MarketPlace Mall, lets talk to a few people and see what's brought them here on the last shopping day before Christmas?" They go find the Tax Filing guy - he gives the same answer. This is somehow news.

The kicker
These are 2 dates that will live in infamy. Elvis's birthday and the day he died. God dammit - I wish it was the day I died. Twice a year - twice a fucking year, I have to see some goddamn candle light vigil infront of Graceland and have the bumper music in and out of the news be Elvis hits. And then they have to get a camera on some person crying at the loss of Elvis. Jesus Christ - get over it - he is dead. If you want someone to mourn and celebrate - mourn FDR or Churchill - without them Elvis's songs would be in German!!! I bet you don't know, or care, when their birth/death days are - but oh lets pay a fucking tribute to fucking Elvis.

God people piss me off

Friday, January 21, 2005

Seduction of the Innocent

Cultural psychiatrist Fredrc Wertheim linked juvenile deliquency to comic books, in his 1954 book, Seduction of the Innocent! His book lead to Senate hearings and the establichment of the Comics Code of Authority (if you know Derek he'd be shitting his pants right now).

Fast forward 45 years and the same shitty logic is being applied to video games. Man I get pissed when some asshole shoots up his school and the people are always like, "well he did play video games and listen to the rock music." Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? If there were any remote correlation between rock music, video games and violence - you'd be dead. I would have had to personally kill you. I have played the most violent video games imaginable since age 10 and I have listened to TOOL since the early 90's (I am listen to them right now).

You know how they give a rat 14,000 times the amount of asbestos that a human might get - and then they see if he gets cancer? Well that's me - I am the extreme test case. I listen to TOOL like 9 hours a day and kill shit on my PC or XBOX almost every night. I should be blasting everything in sight.

The media is so quick to jump on games and music and COMICS! Maybe they should look in the mirror. What would inspire a kid to want to kill more - we'll use a scenario. You're a 16 year old dork - we'll call you "Scott". You spend a lot of time blowing things up and playing video games. One day you think, "how can I become famous." Well weight lifting is out - and high jump is not going to happen - hmmmm let me see... Let's see if these 2 names mean anything to you - Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Yep you know em - they shot up there whole school and some genius (after saying each of their names 50 times) says, "Well Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold played violent video games. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold listened to rock music. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were social outcasts." Hey asshole - STOP saying their names. You are giving free advertising time to fucking murderers and letting other kids know - if your life sucks and you want to go out in a blaze of glory - you can be sure the American media will say your name - LOTS. Oh and they'll mention that you played video games too. God dammit.

Oh and back to the video game thing - like 127% of boys play video games. So having a killer play games is not a cause and effect relationship. I am sure you could do a similar "study" and find that 97% of school shooters eat Pop-Tarts. It must be the Pop-Tarts!!!

Listen - lay of the fucking video games. If this planet is invaded by aliens - who is going to jump into 60 foot tall, armored robots and defend you?? Huh? you Dan Rather? You Katie Couric? I fucking think not - that'll be my ass blasting aliens and saving your life. So lay off my games bitch.

Quick Observations

(1) Justin's girlfriend is hot
(2) The "other" Sarah sounds hot
(3) Do not fucking tailgate me you motherfucker - I see you want to go faster but this lady infront of me is sucking my will to live and I can't speed up!
(4) "Lost" is decent - I'm not convinced yet
(5) If I was gay, I'm not, Matt Damon would be mine.
(6) Something is wrong with my hypothalmus or something - I think it is supposed to tell you when your full - but mine ignores pizza and Rice Krispy Treats - so I can eat like 1,000 of each
(7) Sarah's Halloween party is directly responsible for the creation of my son
(8) Mark is fucking funny
(9) Hang up and get on your plane or I will punch you in your loud, obnoxious face!

Thursday, January 20, 2005

2 things that piss me off but neither deserves its own post

Cursive - In school you learn how to write and it looks roughly like I am writing now (print characters). You are getting the hang of it - "g" , "p" , "q" , "j" and "y" all "go in the basement" at least that's how I learned it. So I am the M'Fing master of writing and then they throw cursive at you. Cursive is the ugliest, stupidest most useless fucking thing ever. I never write in cursive - it was a fantastic waste of time to learn cursive because it sucks - bad. To this day I cannot read cursive. to me cursive = "fucking lazy and sloppy" but that's just me. Anyway, some part of my brain won't allow me to ::
(1) Read cursive - I just can't do it. Write something and hand it to me - I'll stare like it's in Cyrillic
(2) Tell time on a regular watch. If it is not digital - again I just stare at it.
(3) Tell colors - I am "color blind"
(4) Figure out what time in "would have been" if day light savings didn't happen. Me, "Ummm so at this time yesterday it would have been like 4pm or something" (this is me at breakfast)
PS - Fuck you cursive

Our Selections Have Changed - Pick up the phone right now and dial 1-800-###-####. I guarantee it says, "Please stop and listen as our selections have changed." Bullshit - total bullshit. I bet they haven't. If this were true there would be whole departments dedicated to changing the VRU every 3 days. Your selections haven't changed - I am on to you!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Need a Sherpa to get to work?

If you don't know - Sherpa's are these Buddhists that guide you up the Himalaya's and carry lots of shit. There are people that come to my office that I swear need a Sherpa. Not for the guidance - my building is easy to find - it is the big ugly one that is falling apart. No they need the Sherpa to carry the shear volume of shit they bring to work! Until late last year I did not have a laptop so I had literally nothing to carry to and from work. I would bring my ID badge - that is it. I see people coming with a laptop bag that is almost tearing at the seams. What is in there.
Okay - lets see. A laptop, the power supply, a mouse, a few cables. I have a laptop now - that is what is in the bag. But no - this has to be more, there could be a fucking lounge chair in there. Why is it so big and bloated - what are they transporting? Did they kill their spouse and they are bringing body parts in to toss out with office waste? Are they digging out of Shawshank and they are bringing little pieces of their wall to the "yard" every day?
That's not even the worst - not by a long shot. Sometimes the bag is so immense that the person can't even carry it. So they have a dolly to pull it along. Are you fucking kidding me? You have so much shit for an 8 hour shift that you literally can't carry it? I mean you work at a desk and type stuff all day - you aren't trying to survive a week in the bush and survive on MRE's and things in your pack. For the love of God leave some shit home - you are not that important.
Also a side note on umbrellas - I don't own one. I don't believe in them. I can handle getting wet twice a year to not have to deal with the frustration of forgetting it or having it get broken etc. But some people NEED one - even in the snow. It's snow people - you'll be fine - it brushes off. Leave the umbrella - you look like an asshole.

2 words

Fucking Awesome! - (I realize my schtick is to talk about how things piss me off - but this is so important I need to share it with the world). Some guy realized my childhood dream. This has to be an exact conversation from my youth, "Hey Roger, wouldn't be awesome if they made LEGO Star Wars stuff? Wait, you know what would be cooler? If they made a LEGO Star Wars video game - that would be boss [remember this was the 80's]" Well voila! It is made. LEGO Star Wars for XBox. This is the greatest fucking country on God's green earth. I want to kiss my fellow countrymen and celebrate this victory together!!! I thought long and hard (about 4 minutes) to come up with a top 5 American inventions (I had this thought before LEGO Star Wars - so it is not on the list)

1. Pizza (I know some people claim Italians or the Chinese invented this - well fuck them - their pizza sucks)
2. TOOL (greatest band ever)
3. Rice Krispie Treats (F you China and Italy - don't even mess! this is ours!)
4. 24 - I just can't get enough of that show
5. The remote control (I am sure Japan would love to lay claim to this one - well F you too - because I could just as easily add "Fat Man" and "Little Boy" to the list - so pipe the fuck down).

Friday, January 14, 2005


It is 2:44am and I am working. This is total bullshit. I got paged and like 1,000,000 servers are down. I have been rebooting stuff for over 2 hours. Dammit.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Things *I* do that piss people off

[over talking]

Okay - here is a tip, unless you have a LOT of time to invest don't ask me what happened in xx show last night. I have been known to tell the plot of a 30 minute Seinfeld episode for 45 minutes. I realize that sounds impossible - but trust me - I can do it. John thinks that it has to do with the whole picture = 1,000 words thing. So I need to tell 1,000 words per frame of the show or something. I was trying to catch Sarah (she makes it in about 50% of my posts because I am obsessed with her) up on the first 4 hours of 24 and it took like my whole life. I am unable to edit or abridge my description - I am forced to give every detail no matter how useless. It makes John want to end his own life. I just can't stop myself.

[under talking]

Do not call me on the phone. You will immediately think I am pissed at you - and you'd be right. I fucking hate being on the phone and I want off - FAST! So I will just not talk or respond - I just sort of grunt. All of my friends have realized that after about 45 seconds I am done so I get this, "Ummm... okay so I guess that's it for you, we almost got a full minute there. Thanks. Talk to you later." Seriously - the phone sucks and I suck at it. Don't call me - just send me Email. Email is the greatest invention in the world and the phone sucks it.

People who apologize for not blogging regularly

Listen you ego-centric fuck - I realize this may come as a shock to you but your blog is not the center of my universe (I mean except Sarah's). I really don't give a shit when/if you ever blog again. Please don't make some long "Sorry I haven't posted in a while I was on vacation" or "I was skiing" or "My cat needed liver transplant". No one gives a fuck. Just write something or don't - don't write something about how you didn't write something.

Weather men suck it.

Due to overwhelming public pressure I am posting another entry. Here's the deal - I think the two below this one are pretty good and I contemplated just going out on top - but no - I have been forced into writing some more crap for your consumption.

So if you read Sarah's "Typical Cleveland" you'll see that weather here in Cleveland can be a little hard to predict. However, in typical weather man fashion, the guys here just determine the worst possible prediction and make that one. "Hmmmm... Computer model 'A' says it will be 39 and cloudy, and model 'B' says 37 and chance of rain" By air time this will translate to "You are going to die - the fucking sky is falling - up to 4 feet of snow - run hide - buy food!!!"

There is no oversite group to shut them up and make them stop with their stupid gloom and doom predicitions that are never right. I know a guy that tried to build some elaborate spread sheet to track the weatherman's accuracy. Surprisingly, he said they were right most of the time! This seems to fly in the face of my whole blog - well let's just say this certain someone recently run into a few "credibility issues" so we'll discount his findings.

Here is what drives these idiots to always predict the worst
(1) My mom
(2) The sound bite "Fox 8 saves lives"

Let me elaborate. I hear the weather and I listen to the tempurature and then I ignore the rest. I have no interest in what else this douche has to say - I don't own an umbrella - so I don't care about rain etc (umbrellas are NOT for snow - more on that in another post). My mom could need an emergency spleenectomy and she would try to schedule it so she could see the weather report. She will be visiting us (we live in different states) and she will stay up to see the weather. Ummmm... mom, we aren't leaving the house tommorow - why does it matter? Also, note that today is 01/13 - I plan on going home for the Super Bowl (home = Rochester, NY) (sorry to all who wish to have me and my family at their Super Bowl parties). If I call my mom tonight and say - "hey we are coming to NY on February 6" She will immediately say, "ohhh they are calling for bad weather that weekend!" I could say - "no I mean next year mom." she'd say, "Oh they are calling for bad weather then too!"

I mean these guys don't get it right one day in advance and my mom will take the 8 day forcast (which has a doom and gloom bias) as the gospel. She will be out buying C-rations and filling the generator.

(2) Fox 8 Saves lives - this is the holy grail. So every day the weather man comes on and says - it is going to be the worst day ever - 4000' feet of snow will fall and the fist of God will come down on you. If it doesn't happen they say "oops" if it does then the big payoff can occur. A viewer calls in and says, "Andrea's forecast kept my family and I from going into the mountains this weekend - we might have died." This sends the producers straight for the lotion and kleenex. God - FOX 8 SAVES LIVES!!!!!! (I roughly translate this to Fox 8 way over-inflates the possibility of bad weather in hopes that your dumb ass might be in the mountains in the middle of winter).

I have one more complaint - then I'm done. I used to live in Dayton. Dayton doesn't get that much snow. So how can Fox 14 save lives.... ? Tornadoes!! Every 14 fucking seconds in Dayton my entire fucking TV screen is comsumed by Tornado warnings and Tornado watches (every time this happens they need to tell you a watch means "conditions exist that might cause 'Tornadic' activity and a warning means one has been spotted"). Hey here's a tip for you - since you have to remind my dumb ass every time which is which - why not just say "We see the conditions" or "DUCK!! There is a tornado!"? Anyway, there literally was a severe storm or tornado warning like every 5 seconds. and to show you where it is and how it is moving (read : save lives - please people call and say we saved your life!!) they use 90% of my screen realestate. So I am watching Seinfeld on a 25" TV - but the box that shows non-weather related stuff (read: Seinfeld) is like 9 pixels by 9 pixels. And that isn't all - no they have to have this tone play like every goddamn 20 seconds to let me know there is an alert. Oh shit I didn't even notice that my whole screen is covered by a map with orange and yellow clouds.

The kicker is - I didn't know Dayton geography - so the one time there actually was a Tornado (I was at the mall). They were like, "A tornado has touched down in Darc county." I think, ohh that sounds bad - I wonder if that is close to us. Well apparently it was - because the next announcement was for everyone to proceed to the Northwest corner of the store (I was at Kaufmann's). This announcement was made and within 1 nanosecond all eyes are on me... I am the only male in sight and every female looks to me to pull off some orientiering shit and get us to the Northwest corner of the store. I am not being sexist - that is what happened - every woman assumed I knew where to go (reread the part about how I didn't know Dayton geography if you think I had any clue). Fortunately, another male emerged - let me restate - fortunately for the women, another male emerged. I say this because for a brief moment I had build a story in my head where the store was blown down and rescuers took days to get to us - and I was the only male trapped with the females and I was forced to satisfy all of their feminine desires and they tear my clothes off and ... whoa what the fuck was that? Anyway, so we all go to the Northwest corner thanks to Eagle scout (that totally blew my chances of getting laid - asshole). Some women are crying and one, in a shaky voice, asks, "why the northwest corner??" Before I can give a sarcastic answer, captain-fucking-merit-badge says, "the storm would come from the northwest and if we are in this corner the debris would blow over us." (relief starts to wash over my crowd of love slaves). I realize that chances of a sexual encounter are gone so I figure it's time to piss people off, "No that's not it at all. The rescuers just made up a convention, ummm... northwest, that's it. See this way they only have to dig in one spot for our bodies." Holy shit - extremely poor timing on my humor. Women start crying - ooops.

Well no tornado came - Fox 14 didn't save shit and I went home. Fuck you weatherman.

Friday, January 07, 2005

People cannot drive

I realize that I am not the perfect driver. All the time my wife is like "lookout!", "HUN!", "ummm car!". About 80% of these comments are unneeded and generally and tend to annoy me because being told how to drive is pretty emasculating (I had to look up how to spell that). The other 20% of the time she actually keeps me from smacking into something - but still annoys me because she grabs the "oh jesus" handle. Right - like that is going to slow you down and save you if I hit that truck head on. Somehow, magically, when my wife is not in the car to save me I have smacked into exactly ZERO things. I try to tell her that I am able to do this by myself, you know, without her - but she ain't buying it.

Okay - on to the truly bad drivers - everyone else.
  • Turn signals - (Not just for turning anymore.) If you want to switch into my lane put on you fucking turn signal. I will let you in - I promise. People in NY seem to get this - people in Ohio do not and it pisses me off as a native NYer. But Ohioins (sp?) don't stop there - NO - they can't be bothered with turn signals EVER. So I am behind some jackass at a T intersection and he is not signalling. Great - oh I get it - you're gonna go straight - into the cow field you no signalling-fuckwit. (Sorry - I told you they piss me off)
  • Merging - In NY when 2 highways come together the number of lanes stays the same. So two 2-lane highways will merge and then there are 4 lanes. After a while the far left or far right lane will end and you have to merge in. In Ohio the 2 + 2 = 4 math doesn;t work. Here when two 2-lane roads come together there are 3 lanes. So the outside of one road and the inside of the other merge together. So you have to eyeball where the other guy is and hit that exact spot. It is like trying to zip your zipper at 75MPH and not get anything caught in it.
  • More Merging - Sometimes the right lane will go away - you know at the end of an onramp. So I'm already on the highway - I have a pretty big gap behind me. Then some douche in an IROC or something muscling down the onramp. I think - okay there is 1.1 car lengths to go infront of me and 17 car lengths behind me. So he'll go behind me (now this he is not a specific person - it is everyone in this state). Nope he can't stand to be 1 whole car length farther from work so he needs to get infront of me. So he gets up there in the ramp and then does not signal (which might convince me to let im in). No he just keeps looking over his shoulder - trying to figure out when to dart in. Oh it is ON baby. This is my lane and so help me God you are going behind me. I swear to all that is good and holy I will put you into the fucking retaining wall before you get infront of me. Typically, the guy wins and darts over infront of me with a huge 1 micron gap between our cars.
  • Parking - You fat useless piece of crap Americans - walk a little. Jesus! You sit and circle and jockey and look all over for a spot. You'll spend 20 minutes waiting for the perfect spot - but if you just park a little farther out you'll get a spot in 1 minute and be inside in 3. I swear people will try to get the "close spot" even at the workout center. does no one see the irony? I want to go workout - but I can't be bother to walk the extra 100 feet.

Seriously people.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Great - I'm a "big tool"

Everything makes me so mad. I got the idea for my blog because every other person I know is doing it. I was going to post about idiots trying to drive etc. But I have some other stuff that just jumped to the top of the list.

Let's get this out there right in post number 1 - I am a native English speaker - but I cannot spell or use grammar for shit. So if you are going to have a problem with that it is time to go. Number 2 - this thingy on the blog allows me to change the time - I will do this for most posts to obscure the fact that I am doing this instead of work - which I am getting paid for right now.

Here are 2 things that pissed me off recently.
(1) I am finishing my own basement. It is really fun and I like to learn to use tools and not be a totally useless piece of crap I.T. person. Last night I spent a couple of hours drywalling and running some electrical - so that I have flourecent lighting under my stairs.
I get it all buttoned up and then flip the switch. NADA. Fuck you flourecent lights. I messed around for a while and one went on. One is DOA or some shit- so I was pretty happy about that. I realized some little kid in China that got paid a bowl of rice probably put some scrazit in the wrong spot - now I have to go to Home Depot and return it - but first I have to take it out of the wall. Thanks - nice fucking quality control Ping - no rice for YOU!

(2) blogspot.com - I wanted to be t-rex.blogspot.com - or something similar. See I am 240 lbs and have some really sweet calf muscles. But my arms are weak and useless and girls can beat me in arm wrestling - so TRex is a cool self-depricating name that I have. But it was taken - so were the 1.2 million variations I tried. then I tried about 40 other sweet names - all taken. Goddamn Internet! So I typed in bigtool.blogspot.com to be funny - and it took it. Great! I am the Big Tool.