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Ultimate Slow Chargers

Okay - I just tried to use "search this blog" to find something I had written about "hard chargers". Hard Chargers are the people that dive into the elevator the nano-second the doors open - they will run you over as you try to get out - they are moronic fuckwits. Anyway, I searched for "charger", then "hard" then "hard charger" - all of them had no results. So to make sure it was working I searched for "fuck" (that should have generated about 600 hits). Again zero - either I am a dumb ass user or its busted. Anyway - the definition of hard charger is above. You would think that the opposite of a hard charger would be a soft charger - but it's a slow charger (I am not sure why). A slow charger is someone that is so god damn indecisive that they miss their floor etc.

So at my office there is a bank of 3 elevators. At any given time there are usually 2 working. But today we are down to 1 elevator (the other 2 are broken or sleeping or something). So after lunch there is a huge queue of people waiting to go UP in the elevator. *Everyone* knows that we have one elevator - so fortunately the first 15 people pack into the elevator (after 15 people filed out).

I am now 3rd in line. I am behind 2 Asian women (I am not sure which denomination of Asian they are - but they are speaking that language). There is still a big queue behind me - and we are all waiting for the elevator which is taking *forever*. (Note there are no stairs - other than emergency stairs - so this is the only option). *Finally* the elevator arrives. About 15 people pile out and have to weave through the 15 people waiting to get on. The 15th person gets out and the 2 Asian girls move so slowly that... THE FUCKING DOORS CLOSE!! I am not kidding - with about 6 inches of daylight they both panic - one of them contimplates sticking an arm in there - and in the worst relfex move I have **EVER** seen the other girl attempts to find and hit the UP button. The doors close and the elevator heads off for another 10 minute round trip. Everyone is totally pissed. I say (loudly), "That did not go well." The girl behind me goes, "If I wasn't holding soup I would have dove in there." Holy shit slow chargers - I will kill you.

My morning blow

I have "admitted" (like it is a bad thing) that I don't wash my legs in the shower. I mean they don't get dirty - soap and water sort of runs by them - that has to take care of an miniscule amount of funk that they might produce.

Well at lunch we were talking about showers or something and I said - "Hey I blow my nose in the shower." Somehow I expected everyone to chime in and say - well duh of course - who doesn't. That is not what happened. I think Derek and Sarah almost puked.

What's the deal? You build up snot all night then get in the shower. It is moist, steamy and humid in there and everything loosens up. So I just farmer blow it. What do "normal" people do? Get out of the shower - neatly fold a Kleenex and blow their nose? Because I know what you are going to get - a soggy fucking mess. Your hand is wet and the second you touch the Kleenex it is going to disinigrate. I need some feedback here. I mean there is a fucking drain and soap so I can come out of this whole affair pretty clean.

0-1

In February John wrote a post titled simply "14-0". The numbers are a reference to John's amazing ability to "wait out" the competition in the men's room. "Waiting them out" consists of sitting in your stall until the other guy leaves. See - guys don't want to know other guys use the bathroom. We know other guys must use it - but we'd prefer to never see each other entering or exiting a stall. So we generally try to treat the stalls like an airlock - only one door can be opened at any time. So those are the basic ground rules.

Fast forward to today. There are "bad times" to use the bathroom at work. (1) first thing in the morning (2) right after lunch. At both times people just ate and just got back from somewhere - so lots of crowds. (oh this is also when the cleaning lady decides it is a good time to clean). There is never a "good time" to go - but noon at bad. Most people are out to lunch. So today I make my way in there at noon. I head for stall #3 - it is the farthest from the door. I won't go into details on why #3 is the best - wait of course I will. #1 is the big stall - I am not going in there. #2 is the middle - that pretty much guarantees a neighbor. So #3 is it. But #3 is a bit "suspect today" - unidentfied fluids on the seat. Too much for a seat cover to protect me from. So I move to seat #2 - I figure at noon it was safe. I was wrong. As enter the stall the bathroom door opens. I am 6'4" so I have to duck - to not be seen. I know all guys want to avoid each other so I figure that is this guys agenda too.

He heads for #3 - ananimity still intact. Then I hear, what can only be described as a brief scuffle. The guys is in there alone - but scuffle covers it. What happens next starts this winding tale. The dude drops his ID badge - it slides NAME UP into my stall. It is about 6" over the border - he quickly grabs it - but I've got name rank and serial number on this guy. I realize the embarrassment has gone up a notch and decide to pull a John (no not wank it - I mean wait him out). I've got a pager there are News stories and Sports scores - lots of good things. bddrk rip(this is the noise the toilet paper roll makes - this is important). bddrk rip bddrk rip. Flush. Okay - that was pretty quick and painless. I figure this guys is done and my waiting wasn't bad.

bddrk rip... what? Oh, maybe he had to blow his nose or something. #1 gets occupied. Well now I have a situation - multiple hostiles in flanking positions. bddrk rip... I can see his foot - he is still sitting - so flush #1 was some kind of courtesy flush. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip... I decide I have to communicate with the outside world so I page john to tell him about the epic battle and that I have no clue what is happening next to me. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip - sending the page makes me almost laugh outloud. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip ... In my head I am screaming "what is going on here?" (Joe Schmoe style). I for real am not kidding - this spin and rip has happened a minimum of 30 times when I decide to start counting. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip ... I need to decide - do I move out? #1 flushes and leaves - almost want to burst out and catch #1 - and say, "wtf is going on in there with #3???". bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip... I am going to start laughing or frreak out - it is like Chinese water torture - I am trying to determine where this voilume of paper could be going?? bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip (I am at 62 - assuming that we were at 30 when I started counting).

I am out of here. I take special care make no noise as I get paper (so it is possible). bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip... I stand and flush. So does he!!! We exit at the same the same time!!!! I see the guy (I already knew who it was because of the badge incident). I make no eye contact and I get the hell out. I take a quick look as I leave to see if his pockets are overflowing with paper - where did it all go???