(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Monday, February 28, 2005

Cell Phones

Holy Christ - I have a lot say here. Cell phones are a convenience - but goddammit they are annoying. People in airports just assume that I give a fuck about them and their agenda, "NO MARCY'S GONNA HAVE TO FILL IN, THIS FLIGHT IS DELAYED AND WE WON'T MAKE IT OUT ON TIME. OH THAT? WELL IT STILL BURNS QUITE A BIT WHEN I PISS BUT THE CREAM SHOULD CLEAR THAT UP." Shut the fuck up - god. No effort to control volume or content.

I will admit when I drive I talk on my cell phone sometimes. I can say - without hesitation - it makes me a worse driver. For one thing you can't turn your head one way - for another it takes your focus away from driving. People on cell phones drive like total shitheads (I mean above and beyond their normal bullshit). In New York state it is against the law to drive while talking on a cell phone. This law has made no change in public behavior and people break it ALL the time.

Cell phones at work are the worst thing ever. Some jack-hole always leaves their cell phone on the desk so I have to listen to the Star Wars theme in MIDI at 85 decibels because they left their phone on the desk. Or - God forbid - they answer and just start yelling to the person on the other end. The final (and perhaps worst offense was brought up to me by John today). The conference room cell phone ring. Someone is droning on at the front of the room and suddenly the CHIPs theme is blaring. Every (except the person who has the ringing phone) moves a little bit to ensure they are not the asshole. Finally after about the 3rd ring everyone is able to triagulate the oblivious dick. "Hey Sphen, is that you man?" Then he is all surprised - "oh shit - I thought I turned this off." I swear to christ I will cockslap the next motherfucker who does this.

* Note - Star Wars and CHIPs would actually be really cool ring tones. Substitue something stupid in there (like William Huang).


Blogger Erik with a K said...

Cockslap - it's the new Fuckchops.

I love it.

8:33 AM

Blogger Sarah said...

I have the CHiPs theme song on my phone.

10:17 AM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

We have a guy with the Inspector Gadget theme, so just in case you don't know he's into gadgets, well, just listen to the theme. He obviously is.
I told him I was going to answer his phone next time he left it behind, and that has seemed to work.

12:15 PM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

I had a one-sided conversation with some dude in the elevator. He had his hands in his pockets, and a headset that was on the ear facing the wall. I walk into the elevator and he says, "Hey. What's up?" I say, "Not a whole lot." Then he says something like, "I'll stop on the way home and get bread and milk." Then I realized he had the headset on....

4:25 PM

Blogger Sarah said...

OMG, Johnny V, I wish you would've kept talking to him as if you hadn't discovered he was on the phone. That would've been awesome. "Okay great-that would really help me out, honey. I was thinking I would maybe make spaghetti tonight."

5:04 PM

Blogger Sara Z. said...

Preach it. I hate listening to the banal mundanity (is that redundant?) of other people's lives. I've got enough of my own, thanks. Overheard in the grocery store recently:

Guy on cell phone:
"Yeah...I know."

"Yeah...I don't know."

"Uh-huh. We went out. ... I know."

"No, well, we just cuddled and stuff."

"Yeah. I know."

5:20 PM

Blogger Beck said...

A GUY actually said CUDDLED?? That is far out. I bet he looked like Twinkie the Kid.

I think I am the last living person to NOT own a cell phone. It will be on my gravestone. (That and the fact that I have never seen Titanic). Ironically, I will probably die in some horrific accident where I COULD have been saved if I had called for help on a cell phone.

6:15 PM

Blogger danielle said...

don't ask william huang, ask jeeves.

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