(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Friday, January 07, 2005

People cannot drive

I realize that I am not the perfect driver. All the time my wife is like "lookout!", "HUN!", "ummm car!". About 80% of these comments are unneeded and generally and tend to annoy me because being told how to drive is pretty emasculating (I had to look up how to spell that). The other 20% of the time she actually keeps me from smacking into something - but still annoys me because she grabs the "oh jesus" handle. Right - like that is going to slow you down and save you if I hit that truck head on. Somehow, magically, when my wife is not in the car to save me I have smacked into exactly ZERO things. I try to tell her that I am able to do this by myself, you know, without her - but she ain't buying it.

Okay - on to the truly bad drivers - everyone else.
  • Turn signals - (Not just for turning anymore.) If you want to switch into my lane put on you fucking turn signal. I will let you in - I promise. People in NY seem to get this - people in Ohio do not and it pisses me off as a native NYer. But Ohioins (sp?) don't stop there - NO - they can't be bothered with turn signals EVER. So I am behind some jackass at a T intersection and he is not signalling. Great - oh I get it - you're gonna go straight - into the cow field you no signalling-fuckwit. (Sorry - I told you they piss me off)
  • Merging - In NY when 2 highways come together the number of lanes stays the same. So two 2-lane highways will merge and then there are 4 lanes. After a while the far left or far right lane will end and you have to merge in. In Ohio the 2 + 2 = 4 math doesn;t work. Here when two 2-lane roads come together there are 3 lanes. So the outside of one road and the inside of the other merge together. So you have to eyeball where the other guy is and hit that exact spot. It is like trying to zip your zipper at 75MPH and not get anything caught in it.
  • More Merging - Sometimes the right lane will go away - you know at the end of an onramp. So I'm already on the highway - I have a pretty big gap behind me. Then some douche in an IROC or something muscling down the onramp. I think - okay there is 1.1 car lengths to go infront of me and 17 car lengths behind me. So he'll go behind me (now this he is not a specific person - it is everyone in this state). Nope he can't stand to be 1 whole car length farther from work so he needs to get infront of me. So he gets up there in the ramp and then does not signal (which might convince me to let im in). No he just keeps looking over his shoulder - trying to figure out when to dart in. Oh it is ON baby. This is my lane and so help me God you are going behind me. I swear to all that is good and holy I will put you into the fucking retaining wall before you get infront of me. Typically, the guy wins and darts over infront of me with a huge 1 micron gap between our cars.
  • Parking - You fat useless piece of crap Americans - walk a little. Jesus! You sit and circle and jockey and look all over for a spot. You'll spend 20 minutes waiting for the perfect spot - but if you just park a little farther out you'll get a spot in 1 minute and be inside in 3. I swear people will try to get the "close spot" even at the workout center. does no one see the irony? I want to go workout - but I can't be bother to walk the extra 100 feet.

Seriously people.


Blogger Erik with a K said...

I think that guy in the IROC is targetting me as well. Luckily my car has some unnatural "8th gear" if I slam the accelerator down, it's like taking off the pad at Cape Canaveral. The worst spot is getting on I71 south from Ontario and these guys think they can just fly right up the non-turning lane and cut you off at the bridge onramp. I ran a truck into the retaining wall the other day, damn near gave my wife a heart attack, but that fucker was not getting in! There's a line, douche, get in it. Judge Judy can wait for you, or better yet, Tivo that motherfucker and watch it later, after your 18th Bud.

8:19 AM

Blogger Sarah said...

I would also like to say that if someone lets you in or stops for you at an intersection to let you go, effing wave! For Christ's sake, people, is it that hard to be nice?? When someone does that for me, I don't stop waving for like 15 minutes. If it was possible I would get out of my car, go back there and personally shake his or her hand, maybe buy them a beer or give them a "Best Friends" necklace. All I'm saying is let's try some common courtesy here. We are all in this together!

P.S. Erik, I am totally with you on the Ontario entrance onto I71 issue. I am getting pissed just thinking about those outside lane people.

9:52 AM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

You seem to have a rosy vision on NY drivers. Granted, I've never driven in Ohio, but we have a population of coffin-dodgers here who absolutly HAVE to go out for grocery shopping at 4:30 every day and clog the roads with their 1998 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supremes that have 15,000 miles on it. All of those miles are to/from the Price Chopper 5 miles away. They should be banned from the road 7am-8:30 and 4:00-6pm. Isn't there Matlock reruns they can watch??? I can hardly get my IROC up to speed!!

3:43 PM

Blogger John said...

my brother has an 89 IROC with 15,000 miles on it. He told me this weekend that his wife's new Saturn VUE has more horsepower. Maybe you should trade your car for a Saturn. Or at least something with a working transmission.

12:46 AM


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