My name is Nancy - nice to meet you

So I am basically a big wuss. I am terrified of getting shots. I went about 15 years shot free from 1990 - 2005. I always thought - I bet tetanus is not nearly as bad as getting a shot. Flu? I can take the flu - that's like a bad cold - right? Why do I need a shot to avoid that? I mean sometimes the shot gives you the flu - right? And I am not just a wimp now - I have been a wimp my whole life. When I was about 10 I got a splinter in my foot. I spent all day telling my parents to take it out - then when they got the needle out - I'd flap my arms and run away screaming. Finally, my dad just sat on me and they dug gthe splinter out.

You'd think my kids would be little Nance's too - but they are not - they are like their mom. She shoved both of them out (one of them has a head that is bigger than yours - and he was 2' 1" and 10lbs 10oz). While our second kid was still gooey - she was like, "okay, we can have another." WTF?

My kid is even more amazing. One day I walked into the bathroom while he was in the tub. He handed me something - a piece of wood - about the length of my pinky nail. "What's this bub? Where did you find this?" He lifts his foot out of the water and shows me his foot - there is a wound the size of the splinter. HOLY FUCK my dad had to sit on me - but my kid just yanks it out on his own! Like I mentioned - I went like 15 years shot free. But as a kid you get lots of shots. So my kid gets ear infections like once a week. But we never know it - because he never complains - EVER. So we end up at the doctor after he throws up! (like from the disorientation of severe middle ear inflammation). The doctor is always like, "man that looks angry" as he looks into his ear. Why is my kid an Ironman? So he had ear infections for about a month straight. We went through varying levels of drugs. Finally the doctor was like, "well we can do a series of shots - to clear it up." It was 2 shots a day for three days!!! That was 6 TIMES the number of shots I have had since Reagan was president!! So they gave him the shots - if his language was advanced enough he would have said, "bring that weak shit!" He just took it like a fucking man (not like his old man).

Well, the shots didn't work. So they had to give him tubes in his ears. At the same time he had a procedure to cut the little "fin" of skin that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. His connected too far out to the tip and would impede language (and making out with chicks - something his old man IS good at). So he goes under and gets his ear drums lanced and his tongue hacked. We are braced for the worst. Expecting to need to use lots of pain medication and be on a diet of water.

He wakes up from surgery.... "I want crackers" So we start breaking up little pieces of graham cracker. He reaches over and grabs a whole cracker and shoves it in his mouth. He just mounges it down. He never mentioned the surgery or the tongue or any pain. I would have been on the couch whining for a week - minimum.

So I'm a nancy girl - and my kid is tougher than me.

Fuck you Jared

Anyway - I once had a post about ChapStick and I realized the person that needs ChapStick the most is Jared (that fucker from Subway). Next time you watch a commercial for Subway look at Jared's face - his lips are so dry they are withering away and exposing his big ol head full'a teeth. It's like when he lost 180 lbs , 70 of it was from his lips.

And Jared does not make me want to eat food. He makes me want to beat the living shit out of someone. If they were selling punching bags or something to get blood out of the carpet - maybe he'd be the right guy, but he doesn't make me want to eat. Same thing goes for that M'Fing oven mitt at Arby's. Jesus I hate that thing and any commercials it is in.

I'd love to see a fight to the death between those 2. Winner takes all!

I won't have sex with you

I am pretty sure I am incapable of cheating on my wife. At a conscious level I know she is awesome and pretty and super funny and nice. But even at a sunconscious I won't cheat on my wife. I can remember at least 4 or 5 dreams I've had where women have propositioned me (this rarely happens in real life). Anyway in each case I attempt to gently let down the lady caller. WTF? How much of a whipped p**sy am I? I won't cheat on my wife in my freakin dream! I wake up and I am always pissed at myself. Nice work fag - way to turn down Pam Anderson! God, I piss me off.

Back to basics

Let's see I am pissed about a few things - but I figure flying is next on the roster.

• Why can't the flight attendant let the strap to the mask touch their hair? I mean they theatrically pull the elastic band but never actually put it on their head. What if someone dies because they think that is how it stays on?
• Hey fucktard - I am 6 foot 4 and about 240lbs - I know this is shocking but I can drink and entire can of soda. So lets just leave the can with me - kapeesh?
• When it gets really bumpy during turbulance I like to put my arms in the air like I am on a rollercoaster (while other people get into the crash position)
• "Good morning from the flight deck - I am first office McGibbins and I am with your Captain, Captain Jones" - Oh this is valuable fucking information to me. I *always* turn to the person beside me and go, "Jones - I've heard of him - he's good!" (they tyically scramble for reading material figuring I am going to be chatty the whole time)
• Hey when I pull my book to my face and make a *huge* production about marking my spot each time that some thought pops into your head -- you know... like its inconveniencing me? It's because IT'S INCONVENIENCING ME - SHUT THE FUCK UP - I am reading here! I don't know you or like you!
• Just because you can use your cell phone does not mean that you have to use it. You aren't that important - that you need to make a call 1 nanosecond after it is allowed.
• If you are in 37g you don't have to stand the second the plane stops. So that you stand all hunched over like a fucking idiot question mark for about 15 minutes. Oh and don't stare at me as I sit patiently in 36g reading my book. You see - I will notice when the line is moving and get up - IN 15 MINUTES!
• My kid isn't going to cry stop staring at him with dagger eyes or I will fucking punch you.
• That is my arm rest - back the fuck off!
• I know exact change is appreciated - you're gay

That felt good.

It will get better (to all of my female friends that ever got shit on by a guy)

GUNS' N' ROSES LYRICS

"Estranged"

When you're talkin to yourself
And nobody's home
You can fool yourself
You came in this world alone
(Alone)

So nobody ever told you baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
ONE, TWO

Old at heart but I'm only 28
And I'm much too young
To let love break my heart
Young at heart but it's getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart

I don't know how you're s'posed
To find me lately
An what more could tou ask from me
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I musn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out

Still talkin' to myself
and nobody's home
(Alone)

So nobody ever told us baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see

When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
An you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for

Well I jumped into the river
Too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
'Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything We've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die

I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time- Oh this time
Without you

I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die

The governments secret plan for peace in the Middle East

Year after year - admistration after administration the US has been unable to foster a lasting Peace in the Middle East. Clinton tried for years - to no avail. He even proposed a bold plan in which the US would tow the Middle East up along side the Mid-West. The Middle Easterns would see W. Virginia, Kentucky and Ohio and realize that what they had wasn't so bad. This plan was about to go into action when the Monica thing blew up in his face.

So the Buch team has a new approach - one that was put into motion by the first George Bush. Oh this was a masterstroke. Bush 1's team had determined that the way to combat violence and fighting was..... boobies (see my previous post for details). Yes boobies. The plan has taken YEARS to fully *mature*. Here are the important details.

They had to find top prospects early on. School pyshicals and the "Presidential Fitness Award" were used as a cover to find girls that were maturing early on. In 1990 and 1991 a nationwide screen was deployed to find 5th grade girls who were
(1) physically fit
(2) smart
(3) A D-cup

Now it was imperitive to find the D-Cups in fifth grade. The training and mind control had to start early. The candidates were further narrowed to girls with lots of weapons experience (like b-b gun fighting and hunting). This skill was needed in case things went south.

Step 2 was to get these girls physically addicted to Chili-Cheese Dogs. That's right - this was imparative.

Step 3 was to get these girls jobs with major defense contractors buiding backpack sized stealth planes. (Oh and get the younger Bush elected president).

So these Alias type ladies are in place. Here's how it'll go down.

Their supply of Chili-Cheese goodness will be suddely cut completely off. They will start to have withdrawl. Agent 'Neesher will leave a note that says - "relocated to Middle East". This will anger the women and then they will give into their needs. Since they build backpack aircraft the cravings will be too much. They will steal a craft and fly it to the Middle East (playing right into the government's hands). As dozens of these craft descend the Middle Easterners will be awed by the burkha free chests of the American beauties. Fighting will stop immediately (the technology was proven at a concert in Western, NY in 1992). Yes - it will be done. Boobs will set them free. (I am not actually sure how the government plans to get the boobs out from hiding - but I have heard scattered reports of flimsy and unsupportive bras. I am sure these wouldn't survive a flight to the Middle East).

Guns and Roses

[This is going to be long for me - but it is a pretty good story. Thanks to Erik for convincing me to post it].

It was July of 1992. I was between 11^th and 12^th grade. My future wife was going off to college (about 2 hours away). A bunch of my other friends were going to college. My friend Jack was going off to the Army. Well Jack, Eric, Scott and I got tickets to see Guns and Roses and Metallica 07/25/92 at Rich Stadium in Buffalo. I had never been to a concert, let alone a double headline massive stadium tour concert.

We left our home town pretty early for the 1 hour trek. The whole way in we listened to the radio and they played GnR and Metallica non-stop. We were totally pumped. We got to the stadium and proceeded to the field (oh yeah we had general admin seats on the ground). The opening act was Faith No More (I can't believe this concert didn't have a 'palooza at the end of it). We were about 35 yards from the stage for FNM. They played a few songs - most of which I knew. They were a good opening act.

After FNM there was a set change to get 'tallica set up. Well they came out and starting rocking that mother fucker. They were touring in support of their Metallica (Black) Album. So I knew a lot of that stuff and some of their more well played older stuff. When they played "One" - it was AWESOME!!! They had a huge screen behind them and there were lots of visuals. (If I was Johnny V. I could paint this picture with my words - but just trust me it was awesome). They closed up with "Seek and Destroy" - they get the crowd chanting Seek and Destroy!!! The crowd is in a TOTAL frenzy. Moshing is out of control. We have move to about 15 yards from the stage - and we are getting knocked around by throngs of humanity. Metallica exits. We all start talking to each other about how awesome that was and how awesome GnR is going to be (I was/am a HUGE GnR fan [I am listening to them right now]).

[This gets better keep reading]

I feel a tap on my shoulder - it is Brandy D (the hottest girl in my school by far). I had no idea she was there and she found me in a crowded stadium. I was surprised she even knew my name (but there were only 300 people in my entire high school).
"Hey Scott - I lost Jeram - can you help me?"
"Sure." (I think I might have almost blacked out from a sudden transfer of blood).
"Can I sit on your shoulders and look around?"
(I wanted to work in some clever - you can do it if you face backwards type comment - but I managed) "Sure"
Well Brandy found Jeram - so I had to put her back down. But it is official that I got between Brandy's legs - for all of theose keeping score at home.

Well that took up about 4 minutes of the hour+ set change for GnR. It was annoying to wait - and the crowd was pretty fired up still. Well in traditional Buffalo style - people filled the time by beating the shit out of each other. We saw a few fights break out in the stands. Then more - then more - then more... Then things went airborne. The sky was suddenly alive with objects. Shoes, bottles, cups, shirts, tampons - hell everything. It looked like Hitchcock's "The Birds". The crew and I formed a circle and we would block shit from hitting each other. I am sure some girl somewhere was saying, "You guys quit it - quit being jerks!"

Well the melee was full go - I thought in a best case they would cancel the show and in a worst case I was going to get tear gassed by the National Guard. There was no way to calm the crowd. There was an infinitely reusable supply of objects to throw and people were getting more pissed at each other and at waiting. I got hit by a lighter, a shoe and a few cups (no tampons though). I thought *maybe* FNM will come out and sing and save the day - but the stage was still in disarray and the best they would be able to do is some improvised acoustic. No, we were fucked and I was going to miss GnR "Eric look out - shoe!"

As the chaos grew worse (we could see dozens of fights in the stands) the jumbotron lit up. It was fully zoomed in on a SUPER hot girl. She yanks up her top. Like automotons the entire crowd wheels and looks. All objects in flight complete their ballistic tradgectory and land. Guys stop punches in mid-air. Peace breaks out everywhere. (They need some hot boobies in the Middle East apparently). [This is a geeky reference - but I have a geek score of 86 so...] It was like when the droid control ship gets blown up in Star Wars Episode 1 and the droids just stop fighting - all of them - at the same time.

Well the camera crew starts panning around and guys start loading hotties onto their shoulders for everyone's viewing pleasure. (Where is Brandy now? When I need her most???) At one point the camera pulls up on a blonde and she is hot. We are jumping up and down and screaming "Take it off!!" I realize that the arm on camera is moving exactly as I do. I wiggle my fingers and so does the hand on the screen. I spin around just in time to see a perfect rack exposed about 3 feet behind me. (Again with the blood shift).

At some point they zoom in on a 500+ lb woman eating ice cream in the stands. People start screaming, as if they were showing a baby seal being clubbed. the lady makes like seductive eyes and then starts hoisting her enourmous shirt. We are screaming "NO, GOD please NO!!" The camera mercifully cut away just in time.

Well GnR came out and totally fucking kicked ass in ways that I can't describe with words. It was fucking AWESOME!!!!!

3rd hand

Toren is consantly perplexed by her dog's incescant [I can't spell and I don't give a fuck] nut licking. Even when she throws objects at him - he heads back in for more ball-lapping-goodness. I know ShopDung is supposed to be the answer guy - but I got this one covered. Your dog licks his balls because he can't scratch them. See nature - in it's cruel twists of evolution has made it so your pup can't get a paw where he needs it most. So he has to go for the next best thing to scratching - that is licking. Also - for this same reason dogs can't wank it - hence all of the leg humping.

As a male of a different species - I can attest to that fact that whatever material nutbag is made out of it itches or needs adjustment 97% of the time - 97%!!!! The fact that the dog stops when the shoe hits him frankly amazes me. When I get home from work I [where I have been adjustment free for hours] I go after my bag like a circus monkey. It's like working in the leather of a new baseball glove - you just have to work it around until it feels right.

I am a strong believer in evolution. I thing that we are slowly on a biological course where males will grow a 3rd hand - somewhere in the thigh region. Think of all of the amazing things we could accomplish if we weren't roaming around the house in a wife-beater and shorts with a hand jammed down the front all the time. I bet I could cure cancer if one of my hand wasn't constantly being distracted.

I am too retarded to catch up

I was in training last week - so I couldn't blog. But even worse - I couldn't read blogs!!! Well, here is the deal. I read at a 4th grade level (Alabama 4th grade - not one of the good states). So catching up is really hard. My favorite blog is 15 Minute Lunch - I love to read it - but goddammit Johnny V. can pump out content. I did some calculations (My SAT math was 210 points higher than my verbal) and I have determined that unless Johnny V. dies - I will not be able to catch up. This is unlikely - because he is all fit and healthy and stuff and I just ate a butter slathered roll, 3 cookies and a bucket of potato cheese soup. So I am going to die and never read all of the funny shit. If you read Johnny V.'s stuff please feel free to post highlights as responses to this post. Then I will feel connected again.

My eyes are shit brown

I avoid talking about easily identifiable characterstics - so people I work with can't figure out I am me and fire me (I mean the illiteracy is not conclusive - but people that know me know English is not really my deal). But I have to tell you one thing about me for this story. I have brown eyes. My sister says I have "shit green eyes" (She loves me a lot - can you feel it?) Anyway - they are brown - but today they became more brown...

I went into the bathroom on my floor. I headed into stall #3 (the farthest from the door). I see that someone hasn't flushed - or put the seat down (a side note - I really couldn't give a shit about if the seat is up or down. Why can't women just look and adjust accordingly?) So in one economical motion I bend over and flush as I flip the lid down. Well - our company has toilet's designed by Pratt and Whitney - they literally form a shit tornado when flushed. Well I am bent over and my face is right above the eye of the storm. "Fluid" was jettisoned straight up and hit me in the face and eye!!! I am pretty sure I am going to die - so this may be my last post. Farewell cruel world!!