(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Back to basics

Let's see I am pissed about a few things - but I figure flying is next on the roster.
  • Why can't the flight attendant let the strap to the mask touch their hair? I mean they theatrically pull the elastic band but never actually put it on their head. What if someone dies because they think that is how it stays on?
  • Hey fucktard - I am 6 foot 4 and about 240lbs - I know this is shocking but I can drink and entire can of soda. So lets just leave the can with me - kapeesh?
  • When it gets really bumpy during turbulance I like to put my arms in the air like I am on a rollercoaster (while other people get into the crash position)
  • "Good morning from the flight deck - I am first office McGibbins and I am with your Captain, Captain Jones" - Oh this is valuable fucking information to me. I *always* turn to the person beside me and go, "Jones - I've heard of him - he's good!" (they tyically scramble for reading material figuring I am going to be chatty the whole time)
  • Hey when I pull my book to my face and make a *huge* production about marking my spot each time that some thought pops into your head -- you know... like its inconveniencing me? It's because IT'S INCONVENIENCING ME - SHUT THE FUCK UP - I am reading here! I don't know you or like you!
  • Just because you can use your cell phone does not mean that you have to use it. You aren't that important - that you need to make a call 1 nanosecond after it is allowed.
  • If you are in 37g you don't have to stand the second the plane stops. So that you stand all hunched over like a fucking idiot question mark for about 15 minutes. Oh and don't stare at me as I sit patiently in 36g reading my book. You see - I will notice when the line is moving and get up - IN 15 MINUTES!
  • My kid isn't going to cry stop staring at him with dagger eyes or I will fucking punch you.
  • That is my arm rest - back the fuck off!
  • I know exact change is appreciated - you're gay
That felt good.


Blogger Sarah said...

Do not get me started on the full can of soda thing. Seriously quit being a tease and give it up!

4:40 PM

Blogger Scott said...

You know, all you have to do to get a full can is to ask...
"What kind of drink would you like?"
"I'll have a can of Coke, please."
I get a full can on every flight.

4:44 PM

Blogger Tigerlily said...

This is why I love you.

5:52 PM

Blogger echotig said...

Somebody, find a "stewardess" and send this to her.
You are too funny...Love it Love it Love it.

11:48 PM

Blogger Weary Hag said...

Excellent! Now I have ten all-new reasons not to fly. I was getting tired of telling people I have emetophobia.
So glad I can enjoy your posts again. Woo hoo!

5:47 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My beef with airlines is the third passenger in line that finds a seat close to the cabin and decides to fit EVERY SINGLE belonging they have in the overhead compartment thus stopping the line of 100 people behind them from getting on the plane. If you're bent on sitting that close, get the hell out of the aisleway and let the other passengers get by before you cram your house up there.

7:25 AM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Here's an armrest trick:

So the big guy next to you to the armrest first. Now he's snoozing and all happy. Reach into the pouch in from of the big guy and take out a magazine or a book if he has one in there, let it drop onto his leg on the way to the floor.
He'll awake, reach for it,
and the armrest will be yours.

Yeah, I've done it.

12:50 PM

Blogger ARM said...

The cell phone thing always annoys the fuck out of me too. JFC, get off the phone.

4:47 PM


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