Start Walking

I read John's blog post (awesome) and then followed a link to Michael Moore's web site. He has an article that talks about people that "can't make it out of Houston". Each person is intentionally quoted in broken English (to be totally sure we get the fact that they are a minority). In one part the girl actually says, "We're from Mexico."

Okay Michael, ok Associated Press - if you have a fucking agenda just get to it. "We are interviewing a poor hispanic woman that George Bush wants to die - let's see what she has to say." God dammit. Okay, people "can't get out". I will say that for Katrina there were some people that couldn't get out (like the people that died in the Nursing Home). But that shit *just* happened. If you choices are to die riding out a Category 4 Hurricane - or suffer by walking, hobbling, rolling, crawling out of the city well... get to steppin'.

If your ancestors/brothers/cousins/you **walked** here from Mexico - clearly it is possible to cover some territory. Get moving. Oh, and Associated Press - if you have a fucking reporter talking to a fuckin person who can't fucking "get out" put them in your fucking van and get them the fuck out if you are so fucking concerned about it. [fuck count = 8]

I don't understand religion (part 1)

I'm not what you'd consider religious. It's not that I don't like religion, it's just that I don't like watching people I don't know shove religion in my face. There is truly nothing in the world more annoying to me with the possible exception of browsing the bargain rack at JC Penney's with my wife.

I would gladly trade my 14 prayer channels for one music video channel that actually played music videos. I would consider it a good trade even if all they played was Tony Basil's "Mickey Mickey" video over and over, 24 hours a day. I think I have inherited some anti-religion recessive gene from my mother's side.

I don't practice Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Shinto or any other religion. I know very little about any of these, and know less about the people that practice them. I am fine with that. I will admit that I actually understand the rules to Judaism. In fact, I've been to a Jewish wedding.

When it comes to Christianity, however, I am completely clueless. I've somehow managed to reach middle age without having the slightest idea what is going on. The rules just confuse the hell out of me.

I went to mass once to see if I could get some free wine, but I guess I was too early or too late because it wasn't served. I stared at the priest for a while to see if I could figure out which one it was -- early or late -- but after about 30 seconds, I gave up. He said something about some guy and his brother or something having the most sheep. I'm not completely sure what he meant by that, but I think it has something to with how many times the brothers had sinned. Let me give you an example of the depth of my Christian knowledge.

Here is what I know: In Cathocism, unlike Protestantism, there is usually a set amount of standing and sitting in each mass. I only know this from my limited vistis to each church. I don't have to stand and sit as many times at Protestant mass as I sometimes do for Catholic mass, which can apparently go on forever in total disregard for any and all previously scheduled programming. I know there are other Christian sects.

That's it.

So assume for a moment that I am sitting at home on a sunday, and I turn on the television. For some strange reason, as I'm flipping channels, I actually notice that there is a church show on.

I watch the screen carefully.

After a few minutes, I am able to discern that they are speaking English (sometimes). I watch the television for a few minutes more.

I see some guy in a red shirt light a candle, and the guy in white talks about how people in the world should stop trying to kill each other for a second. Then one guy screams some stuff, someone faints, and they repeat the process.

Strategically speaking, I can make more sense out of the battle scenes in the Lord of the Rings movies than I can about what is going on in a church.

The worst thing about this is that I fall flat on my face in casual religion conversations. I started out attempting to learn just enough about any sect to be able to fake it for a few minutes, but that was too painful, so now I just admit my weakness. If someone says "What do you think about Catholic Doctrine?" I usually say, "Um, that's [Christianity/church/about gays/about priests], right?" Followed by a weak laugh. I've stopped getting invited to church and mass. I don't have any idea why people go so mad in march, or exactly what it is they are mad for. I still get the occasional pity invite from my friend Jeff, but he doesn't really understand the depth of my aversion.

Put it this way -- I actually hate the sound of an exangelist coming out of a TV. Any TV. It is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. When my personal television is the one in question, it's almost as if it's been defiled. After Jeff leaves my house on Easterg, I feel compelled to get the Lysol out and scrub the church residue off the screen.

On the other hand, I have much more free time than the average joe. I have time to play video games, finish my basement, fix things and screw around with things like these here blogs.

Anyway, whatever religion you like, I hope it gets you to heaven, because that is the only reason I could think of to even care who is right.

Thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure my religion deficiency is the major reason my wife married me. I'll have to bring that up someday when I'm bored out of my skull in JC Penny's. I'll let you know how it goes.

Lesbian Inseminator

So at work I had an Intern (he went back to school today)- and it was totally awesome - I highly recommend them. I have heard some people say, "Excuse me - I couldn't help but overhear you were considering getting an intern. That is a terrible idea - if you have a few minutes I can tell you why. They make faces that are innappropriate in society. And they fling their poop at people in a festive manner!" Those are the reasons I want an intern!! I miss Derek - he has been gone one day - but he was awesome to work with.

One of our last converstations happened at a bar. He was belting out some Melissa Ethridge (as it played on the radio). I knew she was a lesbian but forgot how she got knocked up. Apparently, David Crosby did the work. I assumed that he delivered the payload in the standard fashion - but their was speculation about a sample cup and some other "funny business". At this point I make a suggestion - the best career advice a boss can give to his intern. "You should become a lesbian inseminator." How awesome is that job? No nagging - no judging your package (it is bigger than what they are used to). You get to bang chicks non-stop and don't have to buy them dinner. Man this is fantastic. I might quit my job and do it. God speed Derek - I hope this letter finds you and finds you well my friend (by well I mean banging totally hot lesbians).

Bag Tag!

I got tagged by John.

7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Fly faster than the speed of sound
2. Kill as many invading Red Army as possible
3. Walk a daughter down the aisle
4. make 6 figures
5. See a Cleveland sports team win a championship
6. Teach my sons to use tools and build things
7. Upper-cut a punk ass

7 Things I Can Do:
1. Flip my tongue over
2. Finish a basement (I just can't finish finishing it)
3. Eat *way* faster than you
4. Eat 1/2 a pizza without breaking a sweat
5. Bench press up to 125lbs
6. Get totally rooked by an auto mechanic
7. knock-up chicks

7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Use a rectal thermometer on my kids
2. Dunk
3. Figure out what time it would have been if daylight savings didn't happen
4. Pass a color blindness test
5. Understand this chick Gaythri that keeps calling my office
6. Run from here to there
7. win at arm wrestling

7 Things That Attract me to the Opposite Sex:
1. Less makeup is better than more
2. I like MILFs
3. Rack
4. anything that makes them look like a librarian
5. willing to have sex with me
6. someone that will laugh at my shitty stories
7. Can watch sports

7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. He was like....
2. Fuck
3. eat a cock
4. I have an intern
5. I can still see you (to my kids)
6. Do *not* kick your brother!!!
7. the entire plot of every show I see

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Lady from SVU
2. Martha Stuart
3. Kathy Ireland
4. Stifler's mom
5. Natalie Portman
6. Terri Hatcher
7. Sandra Bullock

Crown Vic.

I have been getting my ass kicked at work lately so nothing funny or angry is coming out of me and into my blog. I do have a question - one that has plagued me for years. Every once in a while I'll see a Ford Crown Victoria (the kind of car that 90% of all police cars are). It won't obviously be a cop car but as I roll by I see the back is bristling with anntanae (anteni, antenae - I don't care) and on the driver's side there is a spot light. Based on teh occupants I don't think undercover cop - I think total asshole whole bought a Crown Vic. and made it look like an undercover cop car just so people would skid wildly as they approached him. I mean it is probably cool for him and the other occupants to watch - but it is getting in my way.

Am I the only one that has noticed this phenomenon? (Go ahead John PhD correct my fucking spelling)

100% fillers

If you have the previous Ford Mustang how pissed must you be? I mean the new one is totally awesome.
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I was at a kids park and saw a guy miniture golfing by himself! WTF? Seriously, suicide is probably your only out. I cannot imagine wanting to go to mini golf by myself.
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I think those solar powered path lights, that you can get for your walk, are okay... but why are they blue? It looks stupid.
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If you are trapped a convention center and you want to be rescued here are some ways to do it. If you want to be rescued by :

Reporters
Tell them you found Natalie Holloway - or you want to confess to her killing. They will flock to you.

Republicans
Tell them that the power loss is going to kill Terry Schiavo - they will bring all of congress to your doorstep.

Democrats
Tell them you are going to deport Alien Gonzales (or whatever his name was). They will be flocking to you.
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MythBusters is the greatest show ever. If you aren't watching it - you are either gay or don't have cable.
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Deck stain is 25$/gallon. Which is 8 times the cost of gasoline. Please tell some reporters and the I-team.
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You know who's racist?

There is a lot of talk about rasicm playing a role in the response (or lack there of) of the US government to the hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico. I personally think the US government could have done things better and that considering the forewarning they should have had some responders near-by. However, I don't believe racism played a role in the response time. I think the government was caught off guard and would have had the same beaurocracy (I don't care how it's spelled) issues if New Orleans was solely inhabited by the Hawaiian (again on the spelling) Tropic girls.

So the whole topic of racism got me thinking... you know who is racist? God. Yep - God. Here's my proof. Read this list (just scroll up and down). It lists the worst disasters ever. Noticing anything about all of the places?? George Carlin does a bit where he says, "The US loves to fight brown people." This is the term he uses to define, what a more politically correct person might call "people of color" (POC). Anyway - *every* one of these disasters happens where POCs live. Did george Bush make that happen??

Iceland, Greenland, Finland... all white people all distaster free since... well forever. If I was Chile I'd rename myself Chileland and import a bunch of blond-haired white people, God generally steers shit away from them.

You can save your
- "Well white people stole the good land" shit
- "These countries are less developed and can't respond as well" shit

Hey Kanye - why don't you call out God next time you have the nation's attention? "Hey, we need to fight back because God hates the black man! Fight back and stand up for us... ramble ramble"

[PS - do not stand near the author of this email - he will probably be struck by lightning]

My story of rocky times in my relationship

Okay - my August output was pathetic - I am going to make a better effort for Quantity and Quality. So to this end - I am going to get personal. Other people have talked about their relationship's with their beloved - and some times have talked about their troubles. Well I have dodged the subject. From the outside my bleoved and I seem like a happy team - be we have our troubles too. I am going to talk about our darkest hour. It is ironic because our darkest hour actually happened during a power outage (but I'll get to that).

The day I am reffering to I have almost forgotten - or tried to. I think she has totally forgotten about it. Our relationship has stood for many years - through thick and thin - but this was a true test. Sure most of the time she talks and I listen intently - when I talk she sort of ignores me and keeps going - but that is our relationship. Everyone I know thinks we have the perfect situation - and I hear it all the time, "You guys are so happy together." Well strife makes for good reading - so here goes.

I hadn't thought much about "the incident" until we were curled up with the TV last night. It seems like such a silly thing now - but on that day it was a huge "crisis". We have been together for years but this was the biggest test we had faced. I think back to when we first got together - the excitment and the awkwardness. Trying to learn about each other's intricacies. It seemed like things were moving right along and then the day of the power outage happened. The power didn't come back on until during the night and in the morning she wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't even talk to the kids! What happened? (let's Tarantino it). I went to work, leaving my kids to deal with her - deal with the weird void in our lives. Something had changed... changed inside her.

I think it was her hard drive. Yes, that turned out to be the issue. Her hard drive was seized up. A ReplayTV with no hard drive is totally useless. She had stopped talking to me - it had only been a day - but God I missed her. I knew that I had the power to replace the hard drive. (Just a note - until the blackout I was convinced that ReplayTV was the greatest single invention ever) A ReplyTV is like a TiVo (except not shitty). It will automatically skip comercials. You can send movies to your PC and then watch them from the PC on your TV!! You can send and receive movies from other people - there is even a file sharing network (TiVo can eat a cock). Anyway, my faith was rocked to the core. She had failed us.

My kid has never known life before ReplayTV. He kept telling her - "I want to watch Rolie Polie Olie!" But she just sat there lifeless. Dammit - this was a disaster. I knew I could yank the harddrive and copy the data to a new one - *if* the data was still there. I told my wife I was going to go buy a new drive and she said great - "we need our shows back." I got a sudden uneasy feeling. I knew the possibility existed that our shows were *gone*.

I bought the new drive and tried in every way I could to copy over the data. But the old drive was scragged. Dammit. Time to face the music. I told my wife that we lost everything. "24" was gone (we refer to these as the lost 5 episodes). Just fucking gone!! My girl had let me down. We patched things up - but I had been holding a small grudge since that day. Yes, she's still the most amazing appliance EVER. But she did kind of screw me over... that is until last night!!!

A&E - I will kiss you full on the mouth. A&E reran the **entire** season of "24". God's hand reached down to my channel guide and showed this to me. I recorded the lost episodes last night and my wife and I snuggled and watched 2 of them (we still have 3 left - so shut your spoiler mouth). It was the *greatest*. My wife said (and I quote), "Why is Jack Bauer so awesome? I will totally have sex with him." It was a little weird because her husband (me) was the only one in the room. But I begrudgingly said, "Yeah me too."

I love you ReplayTV!!! - TLA. xoxoxox