Take your clothes off...

Okay, real quickly, take all of your clothes off and stand in front of a mirror. If what you see is NOT hot, white and female - then for the love of God do NOT get kidnapped or murdered - because no one will give a shit about you. I know I have hit this before - but I need to revisit it. Natalee Holloway was kidnapped/murdered 61 days ago (I know the number of days because today's breaking news was "Alabama girl missing 61 day"). Yep, breaking news. That makes the date of her disappearance 05/29/2005. Since then I have seen about 30 special reports, my pager has a daily update on the investigation and Natalee's mom's feelings on different suspects etc. I certainly sympathize with the family - this is a horrible thing to have happen - but you know what is more horrible? Ugly people, men and minorities die too - and no one cares. On May 21 (one week before Natalee's trip to Aruba) a family of 9 was incinerated in Cleveland. The were burned to death as they slept and the cause was arson.

The biggest mass murder in Cleveland history is unsolved. I haven't heard a damn thing about it since June 1. A search on CNN.com for "Cleveland arson" produces 6 hits (only 1 is actually related to THE LARGEST MASS MURDER IN THE HISTORY OF A MAJOR *US* CITY). A search for Natalee Holloway gets ..... 42 results!!!! That is like one every fucking day and a half. I wish I was black - because I'd be protesting my ass off about the injustice of the overcoverage of hot white girls and the lack of any coverage of a *confirmed* murdered black family. This is fucking bullshit.

I live in God Damn Cleveland - they love to talk about "The Cleveland Connection" ummmm assholes 9 of your citizens are dead. Pull the fucking I-Team off of "are there rat droppings in your Subway Sub?" and have them find the killer of this poor fucking family. Or at least have them figure out why the media won't cover the story any more.

You can Put your clothes back on.

You have to read this....

I have been following John in Iraq for a few months now. It is amazing to get a soldier's eye view of life in Iraq. John is just one of thousands of men and women who are working to make my life better and make the world better.

John's posts are funny, sad, scary, touching, amazing and insightful. I implore you to go to his blog now and read from SFC. Wood to the top. It is about 9 posts - but they are well worth reading. If you are like me and read *really* slowly - feel free to skip my whiny blog for a few days and just read John's. It is worth it and it will amaze you.

clip... clip.... clip

I am not sure what the opposite of a fetish is. Like an anti-fetish, something you are totally obsessed against. A regular fetish is like wanting a girl to dress up like a librarian... with those horn rimmed glasses and her hair up in a bun... held in place with a pencil... Oh that book is on the top shelf you have to reach for it... oh now you need the pencil.... you pull it out of your hair and sway the full length of it back... and forth.... Holy shit where was I? Oh right anti-fetish.

I hate all things nails. If you say the word cuticle out loud I will cringe visibly. If you click your long-ass finger nails together I will pretty much want to puke. This leads to my question. Why in the name of all that is holy do you have to cut your nails at work? Holy f'ing shit - that is not right. I can work all day, go have a drink, go play volleyball, go home and put my kid to sleep, work on my basement for 2 hours and still have time (30 seconds) to cut my nails AT HOME!!!

If you cut your nails at work, well we pretty much aren't friends anymore - there I said it. I was at a lecture the other day and a guy in the audience busted out the clippers and went to town! There were 30 people in the rather intimate room and this dick-moe decides its personal grooming time. I spun and stared at him - but it had no effect - he was a clueless public nail clipping a-rod.

Dammit - I am going to miss my exit - better cause an accident

I used to live in New York State. In NY the exit numbers are sequential - so all "Exit 61" tells you is that it is before "Exit 62" but after "Exit 60". This is fucking stupid numbering system because it conveys no information about distance AND if you ever add another exit you have to pull some 61A and 61B bullshit. In Ohio the exits are numbered based on the mile marker. So "Exit 61" is 9 miles from "Exit 70" (In general people from Ohio seem mildly retarded on the road to me - but I think they got this one right).

So in Ohio if you know you need to get off at Exit 205 - and you are at mile marker 204 - well guess what fucko? Time to move to the right. Unfortunately, this is rarely what actually happens. No typically the asshole-dick-blowing-mother-fucker (ADBMF) will stay 4 lanes to the left until Newtonian physics says it is not possible to make it to the exit. That's when ADBMF makes his move. Cutting off anyone and anything in his way. Just blindly flying through 3 lanes of traffic and then cutting over that little striped triangle bit that tells you you missed the exit.

My question has always been this - What the Fuck? Seriously - What the Fuck?? Is my life worth only 2 of your precious minutes? Because here's the deal - if you gracefully move to the right and exit at the next exit (about 1 mile away) you can take a left - then take another left and you go back 1 mile on the highway and exit. Voila - you are back to your exit (albeit 2 minutes later).

I live to see some douche realize he needs to exit (from 3 lanes away) and start to make the dash (obviosly not using directional signals - they must not teach people what those are in Ohio). I generally see if I can interpose and make him miss his exit. I think that it makes him think about it in the future - or something - generally I just want to piss him off.

The other day I was driving on a highway (read: 60MPH) in Cleveland. I was in the far right lane, when the bus directly in front of me went perpendicular to the road. It was like fucking "Speed" and the dude was at 51MPH and dropping. I had no idea what was going on (or that buses were so fucking manuverable). Anyway - he was dodging a delivery truck... that was stopped... IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING HIGHWAY!!! This guy wasn't broken down - no he missed his exit (about 1/4 mile back). And he wanted to stop in a travel lane to contimplate backing up. I am not fucking kidding. Well he must have decided that was fucking moronic - so he drove to the next exit (1/2 mile ahead) and turned around. So he almost killed a bus load of people to avoid the "invconvenience" of having to go 1 mile.

That is the final and most annoying move. Newton and his physics have made you miss your exit (or perhaps I helped).... man I hope it was me cutting your stupid ass off. So you pull off to the right and figure, "drive *1* mile forward?? No way!!" I'll just back up on the shoulder of a major US interstate and create a rate of closing around 100MPH. Then I'll just insert myself into the offramp (going -25MPH) with the other cars gong +75MPH. Yep, that's solid - that's my plan. You inbred fuckwit - I will fucking kill you.

On my best behavior

So my wife got a blog. Here are a few things you should know about my wife
(1) She is the only person on earth that is worse at spelling than me
(2) She is 100% not angry. When she tries to be angry she just sounds really cute

Due to my wife's presense on the Internet I will immediately have to stop talking about making out with Toren and Sarah's boobs. Dammit! Starting... now. Mmmmm... boobs.... I mean NOW!

I promise to cut out all of the lame political shit and start complaining on Monday.

My own socialogical experiment

I have this group of friends that has been together since about 9th grade. There were 6 of us (one guy kind of moved on) but we still think of ourselves as "The 6". Anyway, the guy that moved on, we'll call him Grub (his actual nickname) and I decided to do some socilogical testing in highschool. We had some arguement about gender inequality with one of our female teachers (I have no recollection of which side of the arguement I was on or what it even was). Well, to prove a point, the next day Grub and I wore skirts to school. I have to say, I have nice legs - so I made it work. We basically got harassed - but it was funny to do.

A few years later it was a similar cast - but the argument was about HIV/AIDS. One of our classmates said he wouldn't give mouth to mouth to someone in need, for fear of catching AIDS (he ammended this by saying if they were bleeding). So this open a discussion about people with HIV/AIDS having some kind of identification - to "protect" and inform the rest of the population. This argument became hugely heated, the teacher and several girls were yelling at how sick and draconian this idea was. We argued, that in the abstract, it made sense for the good of the masses (again I don't recall the entire argument - it was 13 years ago). So the next day Grub and I show up to school with 8" x 5" signs that read, in large letters, "I am HIV positive". I cannot even explain how fucked up a feeling it is to have EVERYONE stare at you. We purposely walked through the middle school and several other areas. Many kids laughed, some moved out of the way. [whispers - is that true?] It was interesting to watch their faces as they turned - they'd be in the middle of something funny, turn and you could see their face change as they read and absorbed the message.

Anyway, we did it for the whole day - and it was really hard. I am not sure if it proved anything or if it was beneficial but it was eye opening.

An open apology - and a challenge

Normally frivolous shit pisses me off - I have a doozy about people trying to exit the highway - but that is for another day.

Today I need to discuss something *deadly* serious. I want to write an apology to the people who lost loved ones in the Murrah Federal building during the Oklahoma City bombing. I realize that the person that perpetrated this heinous crime was a white male and so am I. I think it is important to point out that just because Timothy McVeigh (who is fucking dead) and I are both white and American it does NOT mean that I condoned the bombing or helped him plan or execute the attack. It is just a coincidence. Oh, and he is fucking crazy and I am not.

But I think it is my duty to come out and condemn the actions of my fellow white male and state emphatically that it was wrong and terrible. And I am not currently - nor will I *ever* harbor people like this or hide them from from our government or other governments that seek to extradite them.

I think when people of our race/faith do something that is awful it reflects on us all. But instead of whining that I am not a baby murdering, bomb-strapping psycho - and that I am just being stereo-typed I am taking the time to
(1) Apologize
(2) State unequivocally that I did not and do not know the whereabouts of anyone who has plans to incinerate innocent civilians.
(3) Condemn the actions of a non-associated radical vehemently

I think every White male American should visit my blog and attest to (1), (2) and (3). That will set an example that this is the correct course of action. Incorrect choices would be to hide individuals that were involved, feel pride secretly or in public displays, not leverage your racial/religious similarities to help find the perpetrators and bring them to justice.

I will leave this open for white males. Once I have all 101,000,000 signatures.... Well, Muslim World.... you're on the clock.

Answer your God Damn phone

Somewhere in my blog (I am to lazy to find and link to it) I talk about how I hate talking on the phone. Trust me - I hate it. The phone is like a needle - if I am not expecting the phone or the needle they will hurt and piss me off. But if I have a splinter that I have to dig out - as painful as it may be - I need the needle. Just like the phone - as painful as it may be - sometimes I need it.

So I have to make calls. There are 4 females I can talk to on the entire earth.
(1) My Mom
(2) My Sister
(3) My Wife
(4) Sarah

(This is also pretty much the list of people allowed to call me Scotty - if you add my sister's friend Jill).

Anyway - when I am with these people they are on the phone about 54% of the time. Sarah regularly takes calls during lunch and as we walk to lunch and during volleyball games etc. My wife is on the phone *all* the time. I have no idea who she is talking to - but I know it's not me. I get home from work and just stand there with my thumb up my ass as she gabs away. Meanwhile, I wait and try to figure out things like, do I have time to go to the store before dinner? how long have the boys been asleep? who drew on the wall? Who are you talking to? Are we still meeting the Smith's for dinner? Nope she just keeps going.

Even more annoying is the fact that she too will answer the phone at any time. No matter what is happening. I could be hip deep in poopy diapers and need her help. the phone rings and she darts across the room and grabs it. My kids could be bleeding from their fucking eyes and she will *always* get the phone. EXCEPT - if it is me calling. My wife *NEVER* answers the god damn phone when I call her - ever. At home we don't even have caller ID - so I am not sure how she does this - but I am universally ignored. Again, the kids could be bleeding out their eyes and she won't answer my calls for help. I will call 32 times - just to see how high I can get that little number of missed calls number. It pisses me off like nothing else in this world (except other drivers, terrorists, Jared, some other shit). The exact same thing happens with Sarah. Like I said she will take any call at any time - but my calls never get answered. It is a fucking conspiracy. I am going to keep detailed records from now on.

Toof's

I haven't posted for a while - I went to NY state for the 4th of July. When I was home I decided to drop in on a good friend from High School. He lives about 300 yards from my parents house (actually *exactly* 300 yards. We measured one time - so we could tell how far our waterballoons were flying when we shelled his house with a launcher. A story for another time perhaps). Anyway, he lives within line of sight of my parents deck and I saw him out mowing when I was eating. So I figured I should say hi.

Let me give a little background on my friend, we'll call him Stinky. Stinky was 42 days older than me - but an entire grade ahead of me in school due to some cutoff age. We started hanging out in 9th or 10th grade. I have enough stories about the kid to fill a book - so I will hit some high points in this blog entry.

• He is a total pyro and I have seen him set himself, his dog, his car and his house on fire several times
• Ding Dongs, coke and butter could be all of the food he would eat in one day
• He could build/fix/destroy *anything*
• He absolutely must have a genius IQ - he is so God Damn brilliant
• His mother died recently - very unexpectedly of stomach cancer. She was one of the greatest parents I knew. Not in the - help your kid with homework kind of way. No, in the let your kids torch the house and eat all of the food kind of way. She was magnificent and I miss her.
• He had the ability to explain nuclear fission to a four year old - and they would understand it. He just had a gift for anologies - that I try to emulate - but will never even get close to
  
• He wrecked like 40 cars
• He died in a motorcycle accident (then was revived with over 100 units of blood and plasma)
  

Okay, fast forward to present day. After his mother's death Stinky got married and he and his wife moved into his mother's house (300 yards from my parents). The house has gone down hill pretty quickly. There are cars and car parts in the yard. There are several wooden and wire fences, a shitty shed, and a pool that has 1 foot of *black* water in it.

So I see that he is starting to mow the yard (it looks as if this is his first time this summer). The lawn mower doesn't make the typical starting noise that any suburbanite knows by heart - no it sounds like a fucking jet engine. Yeah, Stinky has somehow put a Pratt and Whitney powerplant on his Toro. I wander over to watch him mow the yard and show him my newest kid.

I get over to the yard and he and his wife say hi (after the post-flight checks have been completed on the Toro). Two things strike me simultaneously.
(1) It smells like shit (I mean feces). I assume/hope that they hit dog shit with the ram-jet-induction propelled Toro. I would later figure out that my kid had unleashed a poo-nami in his diaper. So Stinky was not to blame.
(2) The other, more disturbing thing, I notice is that Stinky has Toof's.

Let me explain. Toof's generically describes anyone that has shitty teeth (think Austin Powers). I have known Stinky for 15 years and his teeth have never been great. But now he has full-blown Toof's. I didn't see the bottom row - but on the top he is missing every other tooth!! How in the hell does this happen??? How does it not get fixed? How does his wife kiss him??? I have so many questions - dammit -someone help me here.