(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Dammit - I am going to miss my exit - better cause an accident

I used to live in New York State. In NY the exit numbers are sequential - so all "Exit 61" tells you is that it is before "Exit 62" but after "Exit 60". This is fucking stupid numbering system because it conveys no information about distance AND if you ever add another exit you have to pull some 61A and 61B bullshit. In Ohio the exits are numbered based on the mile marker. So "Exit 61" is 9 miles from "Exit 70" (In general people from Ohio seem mildly retarded on the road to me - but I think they got this one right).

So in Ohio if you know you need to get off at Exit 205 - and you are at mile marker 204 - well guess what fucko? Time to move to the right. Unfortunately, this is rarely what actually happens. No typically the asshole-dick-blowing-mother-fucker (ADBMF) will stay 4 lanes to the left until Newtonian physics says it is not possible to make it to the exit. That's when ADBMF makes his move. Cutting off anyone and anything in his way. Just blindly flying through 3 lanes of traffic and then cutting over that little striped triangle bit that tells you you missed the exit.

My question has always been this - What the Fuck? Seriously - What the Fuck?? Is my life worth only 2 of your precious minutes? Because here's the deal - if you gracefully move to the right and exit at the next exit (about 1 mile away) you can take a left - then take another left and you go back 1 mile on the highway and exit. Voila - you are back to your exit (albeit 2 minutes later).

I live to see some douche realize he needs to exit (from 3 lanes away) and start to make the dash (obviosly not using directional signals - they must not teach people what those are in Ohio). I generally see if I can interpose and make him miss his exit. I think that it makes him think about it in the future - or something - generally I just want to piss him off.

The other day I was driving on a highway (read: 60MPH) in Cleveland. I was in the far right lane, when the bus directly in front of me went perpendicular to the road. It was like fucking "Speed" and the dude was at 51MPH and dropping. I had no idea what was going on (or that buses were so fucking manuverable). Anyway - he was dodging a delivery truck... that was stopped... IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING HIGHWAY!!! This guy wasn't broken down - no he missed his exit (about 1/4 mile back). And he wanted to stop in a travel lane to contimplate backing up. I am not fucking kidding. Well he must have decided that was fucking moronic - so he drove to the next exit (1/2 mile ahead) and turned around. So he almost killed a bus load of people to avoid the "invconvenience" of having to go 1 mile.

That is the final and most annoying move. Newton and his physics have made you miss your exit (or perhaps I helped).... man I hope it was me cutting your stupid ass off. So you pull off to the right and figure, "drive *1* mile forward?? No way!!" I'll just back up on the shoulder of a major US interstate and create a rate of closing around 100MPH. Then I'll just insert myself into the offramp (going -25MPH) with the other cars gong +75MPH. Yep, that's solid - that's my plan. You inbred fuckwit - I will fucking kill you.


Blogger Sarah said...

Someone did this to me the other day (not on a highway, though), and I came about a sixteenth of an inch from hitting him, and I thought of you.

8:59 AM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

There's a show called the "World's Worst Drivers" and they always feature traffic video of morons who try the back-up move and end up getting PASTED by a Fed-Ex truck.

Which is more than enough motivation for me to just go the next exit.

10:32 AM

Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Yet another example of the everyone else on the road is more important than me principle. I laughed, I cried, I felt your pain. Thanks for the smile!


11:48 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

I'm not sure if they have traffic circles in Ohio, but we have one near here. The stupidest thing is that it's two lanes deep. If you are on the inside lane, you are supposed to get to the outside lane before exiting the circle. Why the fuck even HAVE the inside lane?? It makes no sense. What it does make is accidents. Although the funniest shit I've seen there (and a reinforcement of the stereotype that says asians can't drive) is a chinese guy in the circle, going about 10 mph -- in the wrong direction. Talk about a bunch of pissed off drivers.

8:14 PM

Blogger John said...

some total fuckpiece just did this to me the other day. holy shit I've never been so mad. All I could think for the rest of the way home is how I should've taken out his right rear with my front left and spun him out of control flipping end over end down the exit ramp. Man that would have been great.

9:14 PM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

John, remember high school? That was the beauty of having some 1975 POS beater. Nobody would fuck with you because they figured you'd do just what you said. What was one more smashed fender? Pry it off the tire with a shovel and go on your merry way.

9:55 PM

Blogger heather said...

That is what I am missing in my life!!! But I SO get that "I'm gonna teach you a lesson" attitude when I am driving. I will speed up by up to 20 miles an hour if necessary to make some scum bag miss his exit because he failed to just freekin think or look! ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!

6:41 AM

Blogger lilly05 said...

I enjoyed your rant. Sadly I can identify with your assessment of the brain dead monkeys that occupy the roadways. keep up the good fight.

4:30 PM

Blogger Weary Hag said...

Driving through Cincinatti (or however the hell you spell it) one day, it started to rain. I'm on this huge highway. EVERYONE pulled off to the shoulder. I thought the world was ending. It was RAINING folks. Just RAINING. What the hell is that? I'll take my New York highways with the ridiculous chronological and poorly marked exit signs. At least they're weather- and brain-friendly.

8:10 AM


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