(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Toof's

I haven't posted for a while - I went to NY state for the 4th of July. When I was home I decided to drop in on a good friend from High School. He lives about 300 yards from my parents house (actually *exactly* 300 yards. We measured one time - so we could tell how far our waterballoons were flying when we shelled his house with a launcher. A story for another time perhaps). Anyway, he lives within line of sight of my parents deck and I saw him out mowing when I was eating. So I figured I should say hi.

Let me give a little background on my friend, we'll call him Stinky. Stinky was 42 days older than me - but an entire grade ahead of me in school due to some cutoff age. We started hanging out in 9th or 10th grade. I have enough stories about the kid to fill a book - so I will hit some high points in this blog entry.
  • He is a total pyro and I have seen him set himself, his dog, his car and his house on fire several times
  • Ding Dongs, coke and butter could be all of the food he would eat in one day
  • He could build/fix/destroy *anything*
  • He absolutely must have a genius IQ - he is so God Damn brilliant
  • His mother died recently - very unexpectedly of stomach cancer. She was one of the greatest parents I knew. Not in the - help your kid with homework kind of way. No, in the let your kids torch the house and eat all of the food kind of way. She was magnificent and I miss her.
  • He had the ability to explain nuclear fission to a four year old - and they would understand it. He just had a gift for anologies - that I try to emulate - but will never even get close to
  • He wrecked like 40 cars
  • He died in a motorcycle accident (then was revived with over 100 units of blood and plasma)
Okay, fast forward to present day. After his mother's death Stinky got married and he and his wife moved into his mother's house (300 yards from my parents). The house has gone down hill pretty quickly. There are cars and car parts in the yard. There are several wooden and wire fences, a shitty shed, and a pool that has 1 foot of *black* water in it.

So I see that he is starting to mow the yard (it looks as if this is his first time this summer). The lawn mower doesn't make the typical starting noise that any suburbanite knows by heart - no it sounds like a fucking jet engine. Yeah, Stinky has somehow put a Pratt and Whitney powerplant on his Toro. I wander over to watch him mow the yard and show him my newest kid.

I get over to the yard and he and his wife say hi (after the post-flight checks have been completed on the Toro). Two things strike me simultaneously.
(1) It smells like shit (I mean feces). I assume/hope that they hit dog shit with the ram-jet-induction propelled Toro. I would later figure out that my kid had unleashed a poo-nami in his diaper. So Stinky was not to blame.
(2) The other, more disturbing thing, I notice is that Stinky has Toof's.

Let me explain. Toof's generically describes anyone that has shitty teeth (think Austin Powers). I have known Stinky for 15 years and his teeth have never been great. But now he has full-blown Toof's. I didn't see the bottom row - but on the top he is missing every other tooth!! How in the hell does this happen??? How does it not get fixed? How does his wife kiss him??? I have so many questions - dammit -someone help me here.

14 Comments:

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

neglect. And then you find out that a root canal is like 800 bucks, but you can pull a toof for pretty next to nothin.

4:57 AM

 
Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

That's pretty much it. At a certain point, I suppose its like the people that get to be like 500 lbs. You just stop giving a shit.

9:36 AM

 
Blogger Sarah said...

Maybe when he lost like 70% of his organs in that accident, he lost the part of his brain that reminds you to brush your teeth.

1:07 PM

 
Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Brush or not, crappy genetics is crappy genetics. I can brush or not (tested) and still spend at least 1.5k/yr at the dentist. From experience, it's a hell of a lot cheaper to pull a tooth than have a root canal and a crown and I've been faced with this decision on more than one occasion. I'm looking forward to completing my medical degree so I can just blow 20k on my mouth and be done with it. Hopefully I can do that before I get to the toof stage.

RCS

2:22 PM

 
Blogger slcup said...

To answer the "how does his wife kiss him" question, let me tell a quick story.

The one-lipped man I mentioned making out with also has toofs. How I did it? Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. And pity. Lots and lots of pity.

5:57 PM

 
Blogger Kris said...

urban princess - that's a pretty good theory. drinking also makes you fall into the near-empty pool, knocking several of your top teeth out.

This feels like CSI . . .

7:09 PM

 
Blogger lilly05 said...

"Toofs" are a wide spread phenomenom in the South and they are apparently catchin on in the North. Ain't ya'll ever heard of them kinda toofs that can clean off a cob of corn through a picket fence? lmao I actually had relatives by marriage that closley resemble this description. Not that this makes me an expert on the oral hygene of the redneck clans or any thing of the sort, but it might make an interesting book at some point.

2:55 AM

 
Blogger Weary Hag said...

I agree with RCS in that genetics play a huge role, but then too, there's that old billboard I used to whip past on the BQE that read "Ignore your teeth... they'll go away."

Toofs ~ now that's precious.

6:49 AM

 
Blogger LizzieDaisy said...

Gosh, never know what you will learn from a blog... Toofs and poo-nami. Two new, and VERY great words, for my vocab. :)

Might add FEAR on to that list. I have lots of friends that are majorly afraid of going to the dentist and would much rather rot teeth. Weird, but fear is a powerful thing.

Man, that'd have to be a lot of alcohol or a lot of love. Commendable either way. And my question is this... if he's so brilliant (which I don't doubt), why is this happening? He shoulda been able to get a great job, great benefits, and not had a problem in the first place.

Poo-nami... man that's funny shit.

12:51 PM

 
Blogger "AG" said...

Check this out!

Toofs Explained

7:09 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's called meth mouth. Stinky is a twweaker.

10:52 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's called meth mouth. Stinky is a tweaker.

10:53 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Toofs can also come on willy-nilly, in a pack - when they found the first cavity, it was less than 2 years before 14 teeth needed desperate, expensive work. I had to have $30K worth of dental work done (by borrowing the heck out of my relatives and asking the state programs to pitch in - makes me feel like a redneck, kinda) and I hadn't had ANY cavities in those same teeth 5 years before. They just... went away. I had semi-regular checkups (about 1X/yr.), I didn't (don't) do drugs, I brushed AND flossed every day (more than once!), I use(d) floride toothpaste, and I don't have any related crappy genetics as far as we could figure out - just awful (offal) luck. And a new and POWERFUL fear of dentists - I've had 3 root canals with no effective painkillers now, and if it's that or getting them pulled, next time? Give me some pliers & a bottle of tequila, thanks.

8:35 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Toofs can also come on willy-nilly, in a pack - when they found the first cavity, it was less than 2 years before 14 teeth needed desperate, expensive work. I had to have $30K worth of dental work done (by borrowing the heck out of my relatives and asking the state programs to pitch in - makes me feel like a redneck, kinda) and I hadn't had ANY cavities in those same teeth 5 years before. They just... went away. I had semi-regular checkups (about 1X/yr.), I didn't (don't) do drugs, I brushed AND flossed every day (more than once!), I use(d) floride toothpaste, and I don't have any related crappy genetics as far as we could figure out - just awful (offal) luck. And a new and POWERFUL fear of dentists - I've had 3 root canals with no effective painkillers now, and if it's that or getting them pulled, next time? Give me some pliers & a bottle of tequila, thanks.

8:35 PM

 

Post a Comment

<< Home