My Definition

Generally I like to think I am clever. The other day I came up with 2 things.

(1) If your surname is Einstein that is a lot of pressure. The bar is probably set pretty high for you.

(2) I have seen definitions of Liberal and Conservative - but I have come up with my own - (this is where I think I am being clever)

Conservatives
Conservatives believe that you can make it on your own. If you can't, life will become increasingly difficult.

Liberals
Liberals believe that you can't make it on your own. If you can, life will become increasingly difficult.

Anal floss

God... It's Scott - please give me the strength to not jam on my brakes and kill this fucking useless tailgating dick licker behind me.

Holy mother fucking christ tailgaters piss me off. They get up your ass like a wedgie and they won't go away. Oh - now you will be to work 1-2 seconds earlier - great. My favorite is when its a truck - or anything tall. Then you get the headlights right in the eyes - nice. The other possibility is some hillbilly fuck with his high beams on - not tailgating but essentially firing enough lumens at you to Xray parts of your body.

The high beam from behind trick is a tough one to beat - but there is a way. When I was little this shit would occur and my dad would say, "Mitz" (this is what everyone calls my mom - yes including you John so we can avoid the "I banged Mitz" comments). My mom would magically spring into aciton. Like the laser targeting system on the SDI (Star Wars Satellite) she would grab the rear view mirror (and perform some Eisteinien level trig.) within .0042 seconds my mom would refocus the beam back on the hillbilly's eyes. The car behind us would always swerve momentarilly and then the high beams would go off. It was basically the coolest thing I've ever seen. F you high beam M'Fer

I lost my job....

So I was fired this morning. See since the all of the finger pointing etc. after Katrina - The mayor's office decided that they needed someone to cut through the shit and perhaps use some edgy language. So I was hired as Ray Nagin's speech writer. Things were going really well - we totally kicked ass at a WalMart reopening. Anyway - I wrote a new speech that I thought was going to rock it "I have a dream"-style. Well anyway, it wasn't that well received and I took all of the blame.

In case you are too lazy to follow the link Ray Nagin, the mayor of a major US city, went totally fucking insane. He said that God was throwing hurricanes at the US because we went to war under false pretenses in Iraq. Okay (1) God is fake. (2) If God is real -please step away from the lightning strike coming my way. (3) Okay - if we went under false pretenses I *think* a power of God would be to know this before he was told 2 years later by the US media. So why wouldn't he destroy New Orleans 2 years ago? And what were all of the hurricanes before this year for? Testing the arsenal?

Oh and Ray said that New Orleans would come back and be a "chocolate New Orleans" or some other retarded shit. Someone please fire him. I realize the "what if a white guy said stuff like this?" is too obvious - so I'll skip it.

Way to honor the memory of a great man who fought for inclusion and harmony.

Douche.

Tax Return!!! (I miss Derek)

Woohooo!! I am hoping for a big tax return this year - I mean that would be awesome to think that the government has been holding my money, interest free for 1 full year. Thanks government - can I have it back please? Oh just fill out this form? Oh, if I make a mistake (trying to get back my money) then you can put me in jail? Awesome - I'm in. John this is better than Party Poker!

Oh, hey - If you voted for John Kerry please write something on your 1040 that says, "Government please keep the portion of my taxes that are part of the Bush tax cut, see my guy lost - but I don't want to be a sore loser. I know that you can do more good with my money than I can so I'd appreciate it if you kept it."

Do you see how fucking retarded that sounds? You won't do it - hypocrite. I know you think that the tax cuts were bad - but only for Bush's super rich buddies, "they" have money - "they" should pay the government more. Just for the fact that you are sitting at a computer means you have more money than 1/2 the country. So you are "super rich" to them. So again - unless you want to be a morally conflicted hypocrite please leave that money with the government - they will redistribute it intelligently.

Test Drive

So over in my links area - I added a new section for blogs that I am trying out. There is currently 1 blog - but I hope to find some more (or maybe not - I'm lazy). Anyway - this blog is totally awesome. His "Fan Appreciation" post rivals an invention you'd find over at Shop Dungarees. Check it yo.... or something like that.

New Years ReVolution

Right - no resolutions - I am starting the revolution. First a mini tangent. 2005 seemed exactly the same length as 2004, 2003, 2002. Yes I *can* fucking believe it - no it did not fly by - so shut that shit up right now. "Oh this year flew by - can you believe it?" Fuck you!

Okay - on to my revolution. I decided to take the staple "lose weight" resolution. I looked on some web site and found out my BMI (Body Mass Index). So this thing says I am fat. According to this thing I need to lose 38 lbs to be "Normal Weight". I am sorry if I offend anyone - but FUCK THAT! 38 lbs? Are you effing serious? Okay - so that shit ain't gonna happen. I decided to go with plan (b). According to this thing if I was 6'11" (and kept my current weight I'd be Normal). Now we're talking. I can do this. I am going to need your support - but I am hoping to gain 7" this year. It is going to take determination - but I think I can do it.

Please wish me luck and give me your support and as I attempt to cheat myself out of being a fat boy.

Hola!!

Over the holidays I spent some time at the "in-laws". My mother-in-law has "cable" but it is some bullshit watered down version (missing most of the stuff I like). The first problem was that at 9pm - I flipped through the channels and there were exactly zero channels showing Law and Order!! Is that even possible? I mean Law and Order is *always* on TBS, USA or TNT - ALWAYS! I would have even slummed it and watched "Law and Order Criminal Intent" (which sucks compared to the original and SVU). SVU has Mariska Hargitay - is it possible for her to be hotter? No it isn't.

Okay - so I flip around the stations. She gets whatever station has the financial advice guy that yells at you - what is that guy's deal?

I make about 6 circuits around the horn. She gets channels 2-9, 16-22, 23-25 are all covered in static, 67-72, 98-99 total static. I just keep flipping hoping a good show will be on. She also gets the golf channel. Great that just fucked away about 10% of the available stations. The hunting channel.... ugh.

Finally I see something familiar. "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey" - This is the heartwarming tale of 2 dogs and a cat that brave the wilderness to get back to their owners. I think I have mentioned this before - but this movie makes me cry every time. However, there was a twist this time - it was on Telemundo! Yep, Spanish! Oh here's the kicker - it was still the best thing on. It was the end (the part that makes me cry - it still worked - even in Spanish).

As soon as it ended I realized this was the first time *ever* that I had flipped past Telemundo and not seen some ridiculously hot woman. Telemundo must translate roughly to "24 hour Spanish Soap Opera channel in which the women all have huge racks" Anyone else seen this phenomenon?