(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Bond, Gold Bond

I know you have been thinking - "I wonder how Scott's bag is?" "I haven't heard much about the bag lately, should I ask?" "Is everything okay?" Well dear reader - you can stop holding your breath - it is time for a bag update.

I was in a wedding a few weeks back. Not only was I in the wedding - but I was the best man. My buddy Erik was tying the knot. Let's back up a bit. I have talked to you about my tigh knit group of friends from high school (not the boys from the Dort gang) these guys are all my age. I have been best friends with all of them since "Dave Allen" came to our school. My buddies are Erik, "Dave Allen", Krusty and Happy. We have been great friends since the early 90's and we still see each other every chance we get. Erik, Krusty and Happy still live in Rochester and play cards every week. "Dave Allen" and I moved away - but have family in Rochester and we always use visits home to see the other guys. At this point Krusty, Happy, Erik and I are all married. I have proudly stood in each wedding watching each friend marry a fantastic woman (by fantastic I mean hot). "Dave Allen" will be joining our ranks in 2 weeks. That will mean that all of my close friends will be married - which is pretty awesome.

As I mentioned I have been in each of their weddings - actually we have all been in each of the others weddings. My wedding and Erik's wedding were both outside. Both occurred with temeratures over 90 degrees. We were wearing hot as hell wool tuxes in both.

I knew things were going to heat up. Things "down there" (think not so fresh feeling)... So based on the weather forcast, the wool tux factor, my concern for my comrades I did 2 things before my wedding :
(1) I decided we would not wear our tux jackets. They were rounded up and thrown in a trunk. No photos exist with them bitches on
(2) I decided to buy a huge bottle of Gold Bond powder and leave it in the bathroom where each guy had to go to change.

Sometimes all of the heat of your body will focus down there and it feels like spontaneous combustion could occur. Gold Bond (GB) keeps things nice and fresh and cool. I love Gold Bond. There is one serious risk when applying GB that is PB&J. PB&J occurs when the area to be GB is *already* "damp". Instead of forming a lasting cool layer of protection the GB forms a total goddamn mess - you end up with Pasty Balls and Junk (PB&J). This is worse than the afflictions you are trying to avoid! Well, anyway - just to make sure things happened correctly "Dave Allen" drew an instructional cartoon that showed proper application of GB. This original drawing is in the Smithsonian - so I don't have it. However, for a subsequent wedding "Dave Allen" redrew the directions (these are alway prominently posted at the house where we get ready - usually the parent's house). Anyway - here is the picture. It helped me again at Erik's wedding and I am sure it will help me at "Dave Allen's" outdoor wedding next month. Your mother would be proud.


Blogger Scott said...

It was pointed out by an astutue co-worker that the middle picture has somthing "amiss". It clearly shows a left hand with the powder. This can mean 1 of 2 things :
(1) This dude is getting an assist from a friend
(2) The camera is mounted near the grundle.

3:58 PM

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

I am wondering what the GB does for the later sexual activity. I am assuming it is not tasty, and what if your mate chooses a little lickey kissey on your boys? Won't it be powdery? Would you forwarn her and ask her to forgo this pleasure, or let her figure it out for herself.

9:51 PM

Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Funny and educational. Nice.


1:56 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

dammit man, optimize those graphics. Now I'm late for work.

4:41 AM

Blogger Kels said...

Now THIS is something I can definitely pass on to my children..

PS. My nerd score is 59. I feel speshul..

12:17 PM

Blogger mckay said...

i will chalk this up (no pun intended) as a semi-sexual encounter. since i've been inactive for so long i think i am officially considered celibate. wait, can someone be called celibate if they just aren't getting the offers...don't you have to say, 'no thanks, i'm celibate.' to be on the celibate list?

2:52 PM

Blogger zilla said...

Well, that ducking fuzz it. I am officially giving up penis envy for nards envy.

Or maybe I'll just stick with the hoo-hah. Skirt, minus panties = cool as the other side of the pillow.

4:53 PM

Blogger fineartist said...

Oh my Gawsh, this was a riot, and I am glad ‘Zilla recommended you to me. My little one carries a small bottle of gold bond in his back pack for whenever he gets that uncomfortable feeling. I see here that he is doing it all backwards, and should be using it BEFORE he leaves the house. Having NEVER had testis--I am SURE that my ex husband would disagree with the preceding statement--I really had NO idea about the sticky pasty mess thing. Thank you for the laugh and the enlightenment!

9:50 PM


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