(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Dort! (part 1 of 900)

Johnny Virgil is always telling great stories of his youth (he was quite a scamp). In one of his recent posts he talks about almost killing his brother. One of the ways he tortured his brother was by stripping down a camera and using the *massive* capacitor, that stores energy for the flash, to electrocute him. If you read the post you were probably like, "whoa that's f'd up" or "man he is crazy" or "holy shit could Johnny's posts be any fucking longer?" I didn't say any of those (well actually I did say that last one). I said, "yeah I did that" What? Yeah - that's right. I took apart a camera - and used its capacitor to store energy to for a primitive tazer. Primitive in design - not power. This is just one of 900 stories of my youth where someone should have been killed - but only hilarity insued.

I was "accelerated" in science class (NOT in english - GD I am illiterate). This meant that I took 7th and 8th grade science in 7th grade. So in 8th grade I took 9th grade science (with 9th graders). The older kids despised us "nerds" - I was fine with it (oh I ended up having sex with one of the older kids - so everyone can eat it!! I mean we are married now - but that still totally counts). This accelerated program allowed the smart kids to get 1 extra year of science senior year. Anyway - its not important to the story. The grade above me had nerds too - they were also accelerated. They had a particularly good stock of dorks and I gravitated to them. These friends were - Eric, Smellbad, Vern and Jack (their real names - fake names is too much work for me). I have almost killed, or been killed by each of these guys.

In 9th grade we discovered the "shocker" (not that shocker - sicko). No we bought super cheap "Teenage Mutant Ninja disposible cameras". Each one was equipped with a flash. We immediately took out the bulbs and left the 2 exposed leads. If you turned the camera on you would hear this loud whine as the capicitor stored up the lethal dose of electricity. Just like Johnny Virgil we started out by welding pennies with the shocker. *welding pennies*! We soon became bored with this and needed a human test subject. It just so happens that another nerd, Jamie, had been getting a bit uppity in physics class - yes - he would be the test subject. Smellbad and Jamie had been feuding for some time (Jamie glued Smellbad's backack shut after Smellbad filled his with water etc). Well, we were going t0 set a trap. We laid out our plan and sprung into action. We were in the chem lab and we cornered Jamie. Time to pay the piper bitch!! But Jamie was wily! He grabbed a bit of surgical tubing and hooked it to the sink in the lab. These sinks shot water at 10,000psi or something. He had a Super Soaker that could cut a man in half. We beat a hasty retreat behind some desks.

Jamie came in pursuit and Smellbad pounced. From Jamie's point of view it must have looked like Smellbad was about to take his picture with a broken TMNT camera - but he still reflexivly parried! The camera flew in the air and smashed into the ground.

Smellbad was pinned down with no shocker. He was in a bad way. I did a Navy Seal roll over to the shattered device. My plan was to grab it and throw it to Smellbad. Jamie was still within arms reach and was easy prey. I reached down to grab it - and then it happened... The plastic cover was broken and the camera was not much more than a raw circuit board. As I grabbed it - I must have close some circuit - because it fired. I was knocked back and my hand fucking hurt. I looked down and through the slight whiff of burnt flesh I saw that the circuit tracings had imprinted on my hand. It hurt - but it was pretty cool. Realizing Jamie had us - and we were defenseless we escaped. Damn you Jamie - I'll get you next time!!!


Blogger Sarah said...

Navy Seal roll? Really? I'm sure it looked just like the Navy Seals do it.

P.S. You're a total nerd, but goddamn you're funny.

9:17 AM

Blogger Stumpy McShortness said...

I agree with Sarah.. a nerd.. but damn funny...


1:55 PM

Blogger Rob Seifert said...

It's a miracle that any of us survive to adulthood.


4:14 PM

Blogger Wigwam Jones said...

What the hell is a 'backack'?

4:56 PM

Blogger lilly05 said...

No good nerd stories, but I did shoot my brother in the stomach with an air rifle at point blank range. He's still got the scar to prove it! I tried just about everything when I was a kid. Can't wait to see what my kids come up with. :0

12:57 AM

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1:18 AM

Blogger Charlotte said...

You guys are important! I've never gotten comment spam.. darn. I was the coolest kid ever, never a dork. ever. I mean, I surprised my friends by jumping out of the closet with no shirt on to do "The Hulk"..Hogan that is. It kicked ass. And I trapped myself in my room when I slammed the door so hard it went through the other side. Kind of lost the I'm so pissed moment when I was begging to be let out. You don't have to tell me, I know how cool I am. Thank you.

8:03 AM


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