(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Letter to the Intelligent Designer

Read my previous post to understand my sudden flip-flop on the whole religion thing. Since I now believe in the Intelligent Designer (and I know he must be super pumped to have me in the "believer" column) I bet he reads my blog now. So I want to have a open letter to the Designer.

Dear Designer,

What the fuck were you thinking? You call this an "intelligent" design? I have so many complaints I don't know where to start. I'll try to catergorize
(1) Useless stuff
Appendix, male nipples, tonsils, foreskin? I had half this shit chopped off - nice work focusing on that crap when you could have been designing a way to store the testicles *inside* where they weren't dangling, like a target, for every obsticle on earth. I can't be sure ear wax is your fault - but you better hope I don't find out that it is. Also, random hair coming out or arm pits, chest wherever - explain the intelligence there!

(2) Poorly made
If you were the General Contractor on my house - I'd sue your ass off. What is the f'ing deal with knees? Could that design possibly be shittier? Even highly trained atheletes are blowing ACLs left and right. Oh - nice work on the eyes too - only like 60% of people need glasses - good Q/A work there. Oh I throw my back out about twice a year - kudos on that one too.

(3) Square peg - round hole
Okay, if some intelligence was applied I have a question. Why allow something into the front end of the digestive system (mouth) that can get lodged at the next step. Oh and here's the kicker - due to some fucking unionized, corner cutting angels - there is *1* tube for food AND air. That's right - block that one and you're dead!! You couldn't have lay a second tube in there? Oh and here's another design gem - it is possible for digested "waste" to be bigger than the exit door! that's right - I mean it is going to come out - we just aren't going to like it. Why not make the digestive system with a small hole at the top and a bigger one (with a control mechanism) at the bottom. Then there is no choking hazard - or ass tearing hazard. Speaking of tearing - my kid was almost 11lbs! Um.... I'd go back to the drawing board on the birth canal.

(4) Positive reinforcement
I don't want you to go away thinking I hate everything. Belly buttons are cool (and really sexy on women). Nice work on female breasts. The penis is pretty utilitarian - I like mine. Farting is actually pretty cool - I am not sure if you built that in - or if it was a happy accident - but man you guys must have shit yourself the first time you heard one. I wonder if you tested various sounds. I'd love to see the "fart design outtake reel" - priceless.

Peace out!

15 Comments:

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

awesome. Damn that was long, I could barely get to the end. That one tube thing reminded me of another one. A single hole to put food in and talk out of. What kind of idea was that? So your words and air have to pass over whatever remnants of food are stuck in your gob.

6:12 PM

 
Blogger slcup said...

Pure genius. Way to go, Scott.

6:28 PM

 
Blogger Sarah said...

I don't want to get too gross on your blog, but you knew someone was going to go here: what's with the bleeding once a month. Not cool. Also I am peeved about allergies. Why is my own body fighting itself?

12:09 AM

 
Blogger John said...

yeah and why did he give us all tiny wangs... am I right?! guys?!!? right?

9:54 PM

 
Blogger LizzieDaisy said...

Who to laugh at first, Scott or John... :) thanks guys. Totally needed that.

9:20 AM

 
Blogger Tigerlily said...

Sarah, I want to be on you. Seriously, who was it that came up with the idea to shed your uterine lining, sorry, HAVE YOUR UTERINE LINING RIPPED VIOLENTLY FROM YOUR BODY, not once in a lifetime but once a month. "OH, and let's make that process last, oh, how does a week or so sound? Hmm, hmm? Any takers? Where are all the girl angels? ON break? Ok, we'll just make the women-folk get that."
THAT is why you guys have dangly-balls.

11:19 AM

 
Blogger Derek said...

(5) WHO THE EFF DESIGNED *YOU*!?!?!

Either there's an even MORE intelligent designer, and another one for *that* one, and so on and so on into infinity, or intelligent design is just another form of creationism. Either way, it's logically fallacious. Deal with it, KBoE

7:31 PM

 
Blogger Brian said...

so wrong, but very funny.

To keep on johns thought, what about the pimples on my ass? those must be there to keep the gays away.

2:36 PM

 
Blogger miriam said...

Terrific.

9:34 PM

 
Blogger miriam said...

Terrific.

9:35 PM

 
Blogger Carly said...

Amen! (my 9lb 12 oz boy sounds like nothing next to your baby but it still sucked mightily...)

8:22 PM

 
Blogger Sylvana said...

I'd have to agree that the asthetics of a woman's body are nice but the functionality kind of sucks ass! Babies the size of a Thanksgiving turkeys coming out of the same area that is supposed to give her sexual pleasure. What the hell?

12:23 AM

 
Blogger a dracul said...

Dude quickie on the four useless bits of which you have lost two. I think the science johnnies have changed their minds about appendix and tonsils. And only America and its colonies circumsize male children on medical grounds. Depends on which two got cut out. Ah well nothing can be done about it now.

First time I have seen a blog like a community instead of the usual pretend communication, people desperately pretending to make intimate connections when at best all they do is gossip in between searching for pornography (just for the purposes of masturbation i am not judging just saying).

I Like what you did with the KBoE thing but perhaps don't judge an idea by the morals of those who announce it, if you wish to employ scientific method. But you add to the debate in your own satirical style and it works.

On the who designed the designer it was looked at in some depth by the Greeks. Might save some time by looking at what they said. They use far smaller words and very rarely has anyone come up with a different answer.

The God is dead crisis was in full flight when Aristotle was writing. I recommend the cartoon books. Anyone who can summarise key ideas of human wisdom in a cartoon really understands their subject. I am quite sure that both Derek and the KBoE have never understood Aristotle's five proofs. But I am a snob.

It was really enjoyable to see a community of friends here. I don't know what will happen to you once you leave teenagehood. But you'll become like the members of the KBoE only with bigger gas guzzling cars and far more opinionated. I think travel narrows the mind. Don't leave town perhaps. The good thing to hang onto mind, is you are nothing like them for now.

If I may conclude the sermon and you should say to this next bit, Yeah I knew that:

Models don't represent reality they are systems that allow the scientific manipulation of data. You will be taught a two gene model of how eye colour is passed on genetically. Statistically in a class of 40 one child will then be told well that's because you only call him your daddy because your mama told you so to much risquee merriment and jolly ragging from the rest of the class.

You get taught in schools a simple model so later on you can handle more complex models. The two gene eye colour model thingie works for most cases, and sometimes the man you thought was your biological father isn't just like Luke Skywalker but that's a different variable.

The reason school teachers don't like providing more than one model is that it can confuse children and they don't need to know how wonderful mysterious and puzzling the world really is and how little we know about it. Part of the fun of higher education is learning ten different models all inconsistent none of which alone explains anything. Ok now kid you can say, Yeah I knew that.

And truly really enjoyed visiting this site. And hell yeah I wish I was young again. Enjoy. Ill come back unless you tell me to piss off.

10:37 AM

 
Blogger a dracul said...

Oops just read your profile. I won't defend myself by saying you were really convincing as a 13 year old. How embarrassing. Ah well I have just noticed the Countess I think I have to deliver her a message from a, hey I really thought you were 13. Next time I am going to read the profile first. So you were serious about the design argument being logically fallacious. No kidding. Still a nice gang all the same il faut que je m'en aille.ot

1:20 PM

 
Blogger speckledpup said...

the testicles are on the outside because it feels good to have them licked.
which would be almost impossible if they were internal....

just a thought...

5:44 PM

 

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