Letter to the Intelligent Designer

Read my previous post to understand my sudden flip-flop on the whole religion thing. Since I now believe in the Intelligent Designer (and I know he must be super pumped to have me in the "believer" column) I bet he reads my blog now. So I want to have a open letter to the Designer.

Dear Designer,

What the fuck were you thinking? You call this an "intelligent" design? I have so many complaints I don't know where to start. I'll try to catergorize
(1) Useless stuff
Appendix, male nipples, tonsils, foreskin? I had half this shit chopped off - nice work focusing on that crap when you could have been designing a way to store the testicles *inside* where they weren't dangling, like a target, for every obsticle on earth. I can't be sure ear wax is your fault - but you better hope I don't find out that it is. Also, random hair coming out or arm pits, chest wherever - explain the intelligence there!

(2) Poorly made
If you were the General Contractor on my house - I'd sue your ass off. What is the f'ing deal with knees? Could that design possibly be shittier? Even highly trained atheletes are blowing ACLs left and right. Oh - nice work on the eyes too - only like 60% of people need glasses - good Q/A work there. Oh I throw my back out about twice a year - kudos on that one too.

(3) Square peg - round hole
Okay, if some intelligence was applied I have a question. Why allow something into the front end of the digestive system (mouth) that can get lodged at the next step. Oh and here's the kicker - due to some fucking unionized, corner cutting angels - there is *1* tube for food AND air. That's right - block that one and you're dead!! You couldn't have lay a second tube in there? Oh and here's another design gem - it is possible for digested "waste" to be bigger than the exit door! that's right - I mean it is going to come out - we just aren't going to like it. Why not make the digestive system with a small hole at the top and a bigger one (with a control mechanism) at the bottom. Then there is no choking hazard - or ass tearing hazard. Speaking of tearing - my kid was almost 11lbs! Um.... I'd go back to the drawing board on the birth canal.

(4) Positive reinforcement
I don't want you to go away thinking I hate everything. Belly buttons are cool (and really sexy on women). Nice work on female breasts. The penis is pretty utilitarian - I like mine. Farting is actually pretty cool - I am not sure if you built that in - or if it was a happy accident - but man you guys must have shit yourself the first time you heard one. I wonder if you tested various sounds. I'd love to see the "fart design outtake reel" - priceless.

Peace out!