(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Monday, October 03, 2005


In February John wrote a post titled simply "14-0". The numbers are a reference to John's amazing ability to "wait out" the competition in the men's room. "Waiting them out" consists of sitting in your stall until the other guy leaves. See - guys don't want to know other guys use the bathroom. We know other guys must use it - but we'd prefer to never see each other entering or exiting a stall. So we generally try to treat the stalls like an airlock - only one door can be opened at any time. So those are the basic ground rules.

Fast forward to today. There are "bad times" to use the bathroom at work. (1) first thing in the morning (2) right after lunch. At both times people just ate and just got back from somewhere - so lots of crowds. (oh this is also when the cleaning lady decides it is a good time to clean). There is never a "good time" to go - but noon at bad. Most people are out to lunch. So today I make my way in there at noon. I head for stall #3 - it is the farthest from the door. I won't go into details on why #3 is the best - wait of course I will. #1 is the big stall - I am not going in there. #2 is the middle - that pretty much guarantees a neighbor. So #3 is it. But #3 is a bit "suspect today" - unidentfied fluids on the seat. Too much for a seat cover to protect me from. So I move to seat #2 - I figure at noon it was safe. I was wrong. As enter the stall the bathroom door opens. I am 6'4" so I have to duck - to not be seen. I know all guys want to avoid each other so I figure that is this guys agenda too.

He heads for #3 - ananimity still intact. Then I hear, what can only be described as a brief scuffle. The guys is in there alone - but scuffle covers it. What happens next starts this winding tale. The dude drops his ID badge - it slides NAME UP into my stall. It is about 6" over the border - he quickly grabs it - but I've got name rank and serial number on this guy. I realize the embarrassment has gone up a notch and decide to pull a John (no not wank it - I mean wait him out). I've got a pager there are News stories and Sports scores - lots of good things. bddrk rip(this is the noise the toilet paper roll makes - this is important). bddrk rip bddrk rip. Flush. Okay - that was pretty quick and painless. I figure this guys is done and my waiting wasn't bad.

bddrk rip... what? Oh, maybe he had to blow his nose or something. #1 gets occupied. Well now I have a situation - multiple hostiles in flanking positions. bddrk rip... I can see his foot - he is still sitting - so flush #1 was some kind of courtesy flush. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip... I decide I have to communicate with the outside world so I page john to tell him about the epic battle and that I have no clue what is happening next to me. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip - sending the page makes me almost laugh outloud. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip ... In my head I am screaming "what is going on here?" (Joe Schmoe style). I for real am not kidding - this spin and rip has happened a minimum of 30 times when I decide to start counting. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip ... I need to decide - do I move out? #1 flushes and leaves - almost want to burst out and catch #1 - and say, "wtf is going on in there with #3???". bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip... I am going to start laughing or frreak out - it is like Chinese water torture - I am trying to determine where this voilume of paper could be going?? bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip (I am at 62 - assuming that we were at 30 when I started counting).

I am out of here. I take special care make no noise as I get paper (so it is possible). bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip... I stand and flush. So does he!!! We exit at the same the same time!!!! I see the guy (I already knew who it was because of the badge incident). I make no eye contact and I get the hell out. I take a quick look as I leave to see if his pockets are overflowing with paper - where did it all go???


Anonymous Anonymous said...

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10:04 PM

Blogger John said...

Digital Ass Solutions introduces new stall protocol. You have a great blog. I don't maintain a good blog but I will fucking punch anonymous in the fucking throat, then grab him by the seat of the fucking pants and throw his shitty ass in the epilepsy stall. Awesome post.

10:31 PM

Blogger Scott said...

Dear Anon,

Thanks for the post - however - if you are going to blog-SPAM me please make the posts about MILFs. I love MILFs and will generally follow those links.

8:32 AM

Blogger Sarah said...

I certainly am not defending #3's behavior, but I must play devil's advocate. It is possible that he got stuck with a roll of toilet paper that didn't roll. The ladies will really be able to relate to what I'm talking about. The roll won't fucking roll so you have to rip it off one effing square at a time, and it takes 25 rips just to get a decent amount built up so that when you wipe there aren't any incidents of hand accidentally touching human waste. This particular toilet paper problem pisses me off to no end so I'm just saying it is possible that's what #3 was experiencing. Or maybe he diarrheaed all over the place and needed to clean up the aftermath.

9:18 AM

Blogger StrangerDanger said...

If i get only one square at a time, i will fucking pound that plastic TP tomb with my fists until it 'clinks' open and i get access to the mother lode. I am not kidding, i have done this. When you walk in and see one broken open, imagine me in there beating it like KFed beats Britney when she smokes his last bud.

And once again, diarrheaed all over the place is my favorite phrase.

10:41 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

two words: padded seat.

10:19 PM

Blogger Jacq said...

Again, another rockin' post, Scott. BTW, I only thought women were guilty of "waiting it out." Funny, funny, funny. I don't care, it's like "LET HER RIP, TOOTS."

Spam sucks, anon. Do a MILFs link or none at all. A lot of my friends are milfs. (Why is it that every time I type MILF, I end up typing MILK??? AAARRRGGGGH)

5:07 PM

Blogger rich bachelor said...

Y'know, and I thought that Accursed Urinals were only an Eastern Oregon thing.
I'd love to do an entire posting about male bathroom taboos, but I'm not that brave, you see?

8:46 AM

Blogger Brian said...

before I started eating a lot of fiber I was one of those thousand wipers. it's no fun. blood and all.

In your situation where he flushed right after you I would sit back down and wait for him to exit before getting up. He didn't yet know who was sitting next to him.

11:11 AM

Blogger lilly05 said...

Gotta agree with Johnny Virgil on this one. I think that your embarassed crapper in this situaution was trying to soak up the "suspect fluid" with enough TP that none of it squeezed onto his ass when he sat down! There you are a little bathroom psychology for you free of charge!

4:20 AM


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