Guinness Book of World Records*

In case you didn't hear - this year was the first year *ever* that 2 "African American" coaches went to the Super Bowl at the same time. Of course you heard - the fucking media was falling all over themselves to tell you. I fucking hate politically correct white America. Here is the problem - they are not being politically correct. They are being patronizing assholes.

It is fucking shameful that in my parent's lifetime that people in this country (the gretest country on earth) had to use a different drinking fountain. Are you kidding me? I will fucking punch every old person I see. Seriously old people WTF?

Well that all changed - and it is fantastic. Except now the media feels compelled to artificially insert race anywhere that they perceive it to be positive. Just fucking leave it alone. Perhaps this was the first year that 2 uncircumsized coaches made it to the Super Bowl. No one hit that angle - but it might be true. Maybe Barack Obama is the first guy with an apendectomy to be a major canidate in the presidential race. They don't report this - because that is not their agenda. Their agenda is to insult and entire race by reporting over and OVER each time someone from that race does something. Again this is patronizing and it drives a wedge deliniating *those* people from "us". If you want to track every African American achievement give them their own Guinness Book of World Records. Anything they haven't done (longest ski jumper) lets fucking get someone on it - get it in the books and fucking end this bullshit.

BL...African American

I'm a simple country boy. I graduated 7th in my class - and still was not in the top 10% (do the math ... yeah less than 70 people). My school had about 800 students. [you] "Scott if there were 800 people and I "do the math" 800 / 4 = 200 - but you said that you had 69 people in your class. You're a fucking liar!" (Sorry I assumed you were mad enough to swear). Well there were 800 people - see my school was K-12... all in one building. Awesome.

So my town is this dot 30 miles from the nearest city (Rochester, NY). The racial mix at my school was slightly different than my current stomping ground, Cleveland (where it is roughly 50% white and 50% black).

My roommate in college (black guy) used to make fun of me. I would say stuff like, "It's all good." He would immediately say, "don't say that infront of anyone ever again - you sound like a tool." I tried to explain that growing up with 68 other white kids didn't bring a lot of spice to the mix and I was pretty bland. Actually my class wasn't 100% white - my old joke (if a racial joke that is totally light hearted and meant with no malice is going to offend you just stop reading this paragraph and move to the next one).... My old joke was - "if a race riot broke out at my school, we'd kick his ass."

I graduated with 1 black kid. *1*. Actually he was 1/4 black. So my background in things racially sensitive may be a bit weak. I use the term black to describe people that are of a certain skin tone. I don't use the term "African American" for 2 reasons.
(1) Some people who are black are not African. My coworker is Jamaican - so he is black. Not African American. It's a misnomer.
(2) Some people who are white *are* African. Yeah - they have white people there too. If one of those people hop on a plane and get citizenship - BAM! African American.

A lot of white people aren't comfortable saying black - so you'll get this. "Ray? Oh you mean Bill's BL...African American friend?" C'mon people. I agree we need to move on - treat skin color like eye color. Where sometimes you prefer people with blue eyes - but you don't lynch people with brown eyes. But society likes labelling people. There has been an evolution. N-word ... "Colored" ... "Black" ... "African American" (People of Color may be in there too). We are constantly trying to be more politically correct. Just treat people how you would want to be treated. Do I mind if a guy calls me "white"? No. So therefore I assume things are ok with black. Maybe not - maybe I am a racist, biggoted asshole. But I don't think so.

Read more in part 2 of my series (Black People). Intriguing huh? I'll write it when I f'ing feel like it. But this was all setup and part 2 is where I unload and get hella pissed.

First Person Shooter

I am a computer gamer. I know - dorky - but true. One genre that I never really got into was First Person Shooters (FPS). These are the kind of games that make you kill everyone in your entire school. Anyway, the last time I played one of these was back in the 90's - "DOOM". Here is a link to some of the awesome graphics of the day - http://psychosaurus.com/doom/images/space1.jpg

I am sure the graphics for new games are better - but it is still the same deal - run around with a gun in front of you in "First Person" perspective and kill tons of monsters/aliens/Germans. Oh and open lots of crates. That is it.

I think a bold next step in this genre would be First Person Showerer. You select the avatar of your liking, "Let's see.... um I'll be Candi today." Then using state of the art "First Person" technology you strip down and shower.

This, to me, is a good time and has lots of replayability. Maybe I'll write to one of the game developers. I think this is gold - GOLD JERRY!

Fucking Democrats

If Iraq is the "worst policy decision in US history" and I am Bush - I call the Dems on it. I hold a press conference and say that I am willing to fully withdraw from Iraq - but first they have to decide on one of these alternatives (which by their very definition is "less worse" than Iraq).

[Bush voice] - I am willing to reverse what the Democrats have titled 'the worst policy decision in US history.' Our troops will be immediately withdrawn and returned home. But I am going to need some help from the fine Democratic lawmakers in Congress. I would like them to choose one of the following options for our returning troops (a) All troops of Japanese descent will be immediately interned in camps. See what I am getting at here folks? The Dems think that the US decsion to intern it's own citizens was not as bad as our decision to go to Iraq. So the soldiers, law makers and citizens should embrace this better choice. (b) All African American soldiers will have to decide between returning to slavery or being test subjects at Tuskegee. Get it? Some how these travesties of inhumanity and cruelty are less worse than Iraq. But you the fucking press won't call your beloved goddammed Democrats on it. So I am! So decisde you worthless shitbag Democrats pick one of these things that is not as bad as Iraq, by your own admission - and I'll get right on it.

"Ring Tones"

So I am "slammin' a Dew" (like the kids do) and I notice a contest where "1 in 3 gets a free ring tone" WTF? That is supposed to make me buy this? What makes me buy Mountain Dew is the hope that the caffine will help me survive another day in my job which is *seriously* pissing me off an totally hampering my blogging.

The kids get ring tones - and I think it is supposed to be so they can express themselves. My phone does not express me - it is a tool - like a fucking hammer. It exists for me to quickly convey information and then make people on the other end feel uncomfortable.

Wait - I kind of realized that my phone does represent me. It is cheap. Utilitarian. No frills. Functional, reliable. Oh and it has a huge cock.

HD porn

So in case you haven't heard (I am sure you have) - I finished my own basement. Every stud, screw, outlet and light fixture. The crown jewel is the 80" HD projector. I *only* watch DVDs and HD - fuck standard definition.

Yesterday I watched some HD show called "Flight Dreams" or something. Well basically it was a beautiful set of IMAX caliber footage of planes flying over France. Lots of shots of cities and countryside. As much as the French suck it when it comes to politics and stopping Germany from taking them over, they do have a pretty country.

So the movie could have just been a documentary, "Here is such and such castle from the 15th century." Stuff like that. Instead of that they decided to wrap this all in a "plot". I swear some out of work porno writers had a hand in it. The script was awful. It was about some guy that had to do an airplane race - there was some love interest and some intrigue. It was dreadful. Just like a porno - no one was there for the plot. Just show me the "French Alps" (in an IMAX movie - or a porno) - not this contrived BS. Are we clear here, out of work porno writers? Enough.

$20 at Taco Bell

So the other day John and I were in line at Taco Bell and I had a thought. Could I eat $20 of Taco Bell in one sitting. That is the challenge - you have to spend *at least* $20 and you can buy whatever food you want (no drinks) and then eat it all. I say not possible. I know you are thinking you could bang out a couple of Mexican Pizzas - but you still wouldn't make it.

Any takers? I might even fund it - just to see someone try. Maybe I'd go halvies with you.

Group Thinking

When people stop thinking for themselves and start being controlled by a group - generally it's about to hit the fan. Today is 04/18/06 - right? No big deal, no global significance? Okay - in about a month and a half it will be 06/06/06. Right 666 - I am sure some cults and maybe even real religions will go crazy. Now realize that repeatedly since 1 A.D. the calendar has changed. Even in American history the calendar has changed quite a few times. Assuming that God/Satan will do something on 06/06/06 means that you have been diluded into believing that God/Satan recognize day light savings, leap years, time zones etc. I am just saying don't strap on any special shoes and drink the Koolaid. I mean fake like you are drinking and the let everyone else die - then take their stuff.

By far the biggest concentration of group think is the mass media. Basically they decide what the public should be discussing. U.S. Troops build a bridge, save a woman in Iraq from rape, repair a school, foil a plot to blow up a mosque - these are things you will never hear about. The media has no interest in you knowing these things. 12 children in Cleveland have been burned to death by arson in Cleveland since Natalie Holloway got wasted, decided to not stay with her friends and got killed. There have been more Natalie Holloway storys than Abu Grahab - but no national coverage to find the KILLER of 12 children in Cleveland.

The media tells us what to think and what to fear.
Mad Cow - this was the panacea. Beef is deadly - take that you fat American bastards! They were falling all over themselves to report this. There are still a few reports here and there on this.
West Nile - Death could be swooping out of the sky to kill your elderly parents - your infant children!! I think maybe 5 people have died from this ever. More people die every year tipping Coke machines over on themselves trying to get their Mr. Pibb out.
Lyme Disease - see above.
Bird Flu - God dammit they want it SOOOOOO bad. [media] - "Please God let there be a pandemic. Please please please! I want to 'risk my life' to cover the story. We can cover the 'Bush is directing the vaccine away from minorities angle.' Oh, please please please - I swear God we will report every chicken that is infected - we will have our intern lick an infected seagulls ass if we can get this to jump en masse to humans. Please this will be a great story!"

Crew

I am not super athletic - I mean I am no John - but I am also not a super jock. In high school I made state qualifiers in swimming. I also went undefeated in tennis senior year (eat it bitches). But I also got cut from the soccer team and was worhtless in football. So somehow sophomore year of college my suite-mate convinced me to join the crew team. "Nah, if you're tall you pretty much are a lock." So I agreed. Okay - it seemed cool. I could be on a college team and just have to paddle.

Yeah we had to get up at 5am (or earlier) for practices, in Buffalo. 5am in Buffalo, even in the dead of summer, is still like 34 degrees. So my totally inflexible ass would strap into the boat and we'd row around during the wee hours of the morning. I would destroy my back *every* time.

I am currently in PT for my back. My physical therapist says that my back is shitty and my hamstrings are really tight. They always have been. These are places that you need to be limber in order to row on a crew team.



So here is my boat diagram. We raced in an 8 man boat. I am the big "X". I sat in the 8 position at the back of the boat. All of the big "O"s and I face bacwards and the little "x" cockswain (I am pretty sure that's how it is spelled) faces forward. Well that means I am face to face with this guy. His job is to be light and yell a lot. My job as the "8" man is to set the rowing pace for the boat.

Well as a bunch of rookies we were pretty impressive. There were about 10 of us - so guys would have to rotate in and out and when you were out you sat in the little motor boat with our coach. At some point someone said, "hey what do we do if we flip this thing?" (The danger is that your feet are in shoes - the shoes are bolted to the boat - so you can use them to push back and forth in the rowing motion. So you are strapped in (and life jackets really aren't part of the leaner meaner racing team). The coach said not only had he not flipped a boat but he'd never heard of a team doing it. My team did it - twice. Fortunately I was the only guy out of the 10 to never be in the flipped boat (based on rotation). Unfortunately, the first time it flipped we learned one guy couldn't swim - awesome!

So we train and I have to say we got to be all the way up to "below average" - but we came a long way to get there. We were entered into a race. The race was in Rochester (about an hour down the road) and it included 108 teams (you'll see how I know this in a minute). The way this race works is all 108 teams go down the river and get a time. Then team 1 goes head-to-head with team 2. So it is a pretty cool setup. Our coach tells us - "I've raced here before and it is hard to hear the finish pistol - so just look for the church." Okay - I'll keep an eye out for it.

So we go down the river to the start. We take off and we are racing!!! Things are going well. Greg, the little "x", is shouting shit to me like, "up 2 beats!!" "port 3 strokes hard!" We are in a groove and moving down river - I have the right pace set and we are feeling good about our performance thus far. Then both of my hamstrings simply fucking snap. Movement is excruciating. The well oiled machine keeps going - but I am fucking paralyzed. Oh, well no one tells 7 about this - so on his next stroke he drives his oar directly into my back which hasn't moved out of his way. Also, the lack of a port oar is forcing the boat to move left. At this point 7 has to shut down too. So we are basically dead weight - until I figure out I can stroke if I use only my back (I hear snapping and popping but tough through it).

At some point it is clear we are "done". There is no finish line. There is the pistol (we can't hear) and the "church". Well no one sees a fucking church. So we keep rowing. The water starts to get choppy - like it does pre-waterfall. A couple of the guys up front start yelling that we are done. The little "x" starts screaming, "keep rowing until we see a church you assholes - we're not done!!" This plays out a few more times until 1,2,3,4 all stop rowing. Little "x" is losing his fucking mind (picture a tiny Bill Cowher who just had a call not go his way). 5 and 6 stop and so do 7 and I. We are adrift. "x" is still going hypersonic when 1 and 3 start turning the boat around. 1-6 row us home and I just sit there in unbelievable pain.

We get back and our coach asks, "where the fuck did you guys go? You passed the finish about 15 minutes ago." 1 and 2 make a mental note to wedgie "x" later. "...and what was up with your stroke count - you looked awful." I explain that I am basically a parapeligic and want to be euthanised. He says, "well you have to suck it up - we are DFL." One of the guys goes, "dammit why are we disqualified??" "Not DQ'd you douche - DFL - dead fucking last. We are 108 out of 108. The only way to not end DFL is to go head-to-head against 107 and win. Oh, and Scott, since we only brought 8 guys, you have to row or we quit."

He proceeds to do some Miagi shit to my legs.

So we get our shit together and head down river. We are at the start lined up against #107. This is potentially the only bigger set of losers in the 108 x 8 rowers present. This race is shorter, we know where the finish is, and it is head-to-head, so there is a set of bouys that seperates your lane from theirs.

The starter pistol fires and we execute a flawless "race start" This is when you take really short strokes to get the boat up on the water and moving. We are neck and neck for the first 1/4 of the race. Then it happened. Both teams drift towards the bouys. Our port oars hit their starboard oars. This has the effect of minimizing the push from those sides of the boat and the outside of each boat is pushing harder - driving the boats closer together. (see diagram 2)



The awful sound of smashing oars can be heard over and over until the coxswains get involved. Now #107 has a fancy sound system so their little "x" starts screaming for his team to speed up. Our little "x" starts doing the same (without a mic and speakers). Then their little "x" turns to our coxswain and yells, "back down and let us through!!" "You fucking back down!!!" "Fuck off - back the fuck down!!" "Fuck you! Team up 4 beats." The inside oarmen are all but useless and the outside oarmen continue to drive the boats forward but also more together. We start reaching out and trying to fuck with their oars (awesome). More screaming occurs (realize at this point we are in a desolate portion of the river and no spectators can see us). Little "x" yells, "Race start!!!!" And we perform a race start, while at full go and 1/2 our oars almost totally ineffective. But the burst moves us slightly ahead and our 2 man can suddenly row. Well 2 is ex-marine and is a fucking machine. Our boat surges to life and suddenly 4 is in play. We are pulling slightly forward - but more importantly we are move laterally away. Little "x" is still MFing the shit out of their little "x" but is starting to smile and the entire team is starting to row. Just and we break free - I "miss the water" with a stoke. This is when you don't drop the oar all the way into the water. I just barely caught the edge of the oar on the surface of the water. Well this threw a fantastically huge wave of water over the other boat. It was great. Their little "x" (who was hooked to their sound system) was easily heard making various comments about my mother. Well, my mother doesn't put out for guys who are DFL - and that's what you chumps are about to be D mother F'in L!!! Go UB Crew!!!!

Stuff

Okay - I have all of these cool ideas for posts - my issue is that I never have time. So instead of doing a shitty job on one of my good ideas I just do nothing. So I guess I will put some filler out here - so that no one delists me or anything.

Catsup - No I need to know what the fuck and I need to know now! Who uses this word - where did it come from? If I knew someone who willing used this word I would fucking stab them. The word is ketchup. Oh and the only brand of ketchup is Heinz. If you serve something else throw it out - your friends hate you.

TeleMundo - I am a simple country boy and shiny objects fascinate me. I was flipping channels last night and TeleMundo again managed to amaze me. Imagine the hottest Latino woman you can, with a low cut shirt under a business jacket and skirt. Yeah - that was the weather lady on TeleMundo!!! I totally got a semi from the weather lady.

Debra Lafave - This is a big story in the news. A 25 year old teacher (female - oh an retardedly hot) had sex with her 14 year old (male) student. She's going to walk - and there is a flap about "double standard". Yes there is a double standard a 25 year old guy that has sex with a 14 girl should be put in prison for life and gang raped regularly. In this case they should give the kid a medal and a book deal for his "how to" book. Because holy shit I wish I knew how to pull that shit off - I wanted to have sex with about 96% of my female teachers (and 100% of the males).