(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Monday, June 20, 2005

My Father's Day gift!

The following has been rated PG-13. It contains descriptions of brief nudity (of me).

My wife and I aren't big gift givers. For birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc we generally don't do much for each other. Then, when we actually do give a gift, it is meaningful and not a duty. This year my wife had no idea what to get me for Father's Day. On Saturday morning she tipped her hand when she said, "I have no idea what to get you for Father's Day. Any suggestions?" Generally I'd say I don't need anything and that would be it until Xmas. But not this year, this year I had a request. "Here's what I'd like. I want to put the kids to bed early, rent a movie, snuggle and then have sex... you know... like normal people." (If you've been a regular reader you know that I have a 12 pack of condoms that I would term "a lifetime supply". Between, PTA, volleyball, work, babysitting, general fatigue, finishing a basement, kids that go to sleep at 11pm - there isn't tons of time for "romance") Living with all of those commitments and 2 kids is like a NASCAR race, but our "romance" time is under a yellow flag. So there are cars - they are going around the track - but nothing really exciting is happening.

So that was my request. My wife decided to attempt to deliver on Saturday - that way if we had to abort the launch we still had Sunday. Things were going well - my oldest kid didn't take a nap. That meant he would go to sleep by 8pm. The other kid is just a baby - I figured we can make him do our bidding. By about 7pm I was giddy like it was prom night. (I started talking smack to the condoms, "OH you bitches are in trouble tonight... yeah that's right, as many as one of you is going to get used!") At 7pm the baby woke up, WTF? What does that mean? When will he go to bed? What about my movie and the snuggling etc?? My wife assured me he'd ge to sleep by 10pm. The other kid fell asleep half way through a bite of his hamburger. "Mommy I can... sleepy...." (he just leaned over and fell asleep on his mom). [I look menacingly at the baby - I give him the "why can't you be more like your brother?" look]

At a little before 10pm my wife takes the baby up to go to bed. I figure it is time to prep the house. I grab a fist full of condoms and start putting them in strategic places. I figure the spark could ignite anywhere and I need one nearby, "one by the washing machine, one by the couch, here in the shower, one over here..." I was like some Safe-Sex Easter Bunny. Then the fireworks start (before you get grossed out : keep reading) I mean literal fireworks. The "2nd Annual Duct Tape Festival" happened 1 mile from my house (I shit you not). And these red-necks had fireworks. My wife calls to me. [whispers], "I told the boy he could watch the fireworks - but he fell asleep - can you camcord them for him?" [Houston, we have a problem - we may have just gotten the abort code].

I dutifully head outside and record the longest Goddamn fireworks show ever!! I head back inside after the ending (I don't know how to spell Grand finally... finale?) My wife is still feeding the baby. It is past 10:30 - so the movie and snuggling are out, but I figure the other part (you know which one) may still have legs. Okay, a few minutes to ready. I grab a lighter and a few candles from the "candle drawer". I dash up into the bathroom. I put a few candles on the sink and then place a few in the shower. Hmmm... that looks about right - sets the right mood - perfect. I go to the baby's room and peak in to see what the deal is. He is out cold, my wife is glued to the movie "The Bone Colllector" - Goddammit!!! She makes some gesture that means the baby has only been asleep for 1 nanosecond (yeah right).

I head back to the Master Bedroom and she is right behind me. She says, "You left the light on in the bathroom." (she can see the light through the cracked door). She opens it and sees the candles. She smiles (so okay - I've still got it). I propose a team shower - to which she agrees (nice). Because we have kids and a hectic schedule - we actually have to do the functional part of the showering (neither of us had taken a shower during the day). So we get all clean and then I figure it is time to get dirty!! We just start to kiss when I hear a pitter-patter sound. WTF? I peak out of the shower curtain, on one end as my wife peaks out the other end. "Hi mommy... hi daddy!" My kid is ridiculously cute - so I can't help but laugh. He has *never* gotten up at this time before. let alone seek us out in the shower. Well that breaks up the match. A rain delay is called and my wife gets the boy some milk and takes him off to bed. While she was gone - I thought about sitting and blogging about the event so I could avoid details about what happened after the boy fell asleep. But I didn't. So I am blogging now - but this is all of the details you get.


Blogger Brian said...

locks on the outside of the doors work great

10:55 AM

Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Well after six kids and one marriage... What the hell are condoms anyway? ;-) Brian's right, door locks kick ass. Keep at it, it's important.


11:00 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Jesus Christ. That's just too much work. If I had to work that hard to get some, I'd just give up.

4:58 PM

Blogger slcup said...

I agree with JV - too much work. It's great to be childless and single with a big rack. Most of the time it's great, I mean.

5:41 PM

Blogger LizzieDaisy said...

We have four kids... and two very good locks on each of the bedroom and bathroom doors. Bites we have to use the bedroom and bathroom most nights (have you tried the playhouse outside?), but hey, at least we still get to have sex. It gets better. Mine are now 13, 11, 8 and 4 and we can get through a 12 pack in less than two months, sometimes in one. Woot! So anyhoo... btdt. And while cute, it's still best to enjoy the kids comments at breakfast, not while sexin, eh? :)

Great post btw... thanks for the smile.

6:45 PM

Anonymous Lady Atherton said...

We've got two amazingly beautiful girls, but if they stayed up that late every night, I can guarantee the hubby would certainly not be getting a whole lot of lovin. We are living in a hotel for the summer (we are in between houses) and besides the joy of someone else cleaning the bathroom everyday, we get to have lots of hotel sex. (We have a suite, so the girls are in the other room!) Maybe y'all just need a little weekender...at the very least, switch the locks!

9:17 PM

Blogger Libby said...

well, our daughter's 21 now, and gone most of the time...makes it easier! she calls sometimes to say she'll be late...first thing she says is 'hi, what're you doin?'...i say having sex...& that's all it takes...'eeeewwwww! i gotta GO!!'

11:53 PM


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