(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Buy one - get one

In July of 2002 I had my first kid. I think something changed inside me on that day. No not the sense of awesome responsibility to raise a good person into the world. No my responsibility was to keep my kid from collecting up every germ on earth and shoving them into his mouth.

Seriously - what's the deal?

[baby thought] "Look a rusty nail - I'll pick that up and lick it and maybe jab it into my ... Daddy!!! Give that back!! WAH!!"

Yesterday we had to go to the Doctor's. In my pre-kid days this was an event not even worth blogging about But now when I am at the Dr. it is like the walls are alive. I can feel the germs crawling *everywhere* they are trying to get my kids. I am like the guy that has a bad LSD trip and thinks bugs are crawling on him - or snakes, snakes!

When I was young (before I had kids) I never had fears like this. I never thought about germs. I'd drop a piece of pizza on the floor, scoop it up and start eating it again. I'd hang out with people who were sick without any fear at all. I'd bang hookers without protection - I'd shoot-up with unclean needles. Basically I was not a germaphobic, youth-stealing freak. But now I am.

So I am in the waiting room with my kid (with a possible ear infection). That's right - the comletely benign and non-communicable ear infection. But I am eyeing the other kids like they have the plague. [inner monologue] "Okay, buddy stay away from that kid... and THAT one. Look at the river of snot coming out of that little fucker. Hey lady! Kleenex - you've heard of those - right? Buddy, don't pick that up! don't pick.... shit! How many kids have touched that. [my body shudders involuntarily]. " The toy box in the waiting room should have that biohazard symbol on it. I look at the community toys like they are dipped in fucking Ebola. But my kid just grabs them and licks his arm. So I am sure by this time tomorrow my kid will have about 6 other ailments like, chicken pox, a cold, scurvy - shit I have no idea what was on those toys...


Blogger Sarah said...

So basically you had a kid and turned into John.

9:04 AM

Blogger The Blog Whore said...

And I thought I was the only one tripping at the doctor's office. Our pediatrician is a genius and has two waiting rooms aptly labled "Sick" and "Well" this doesn't always stop the flesh eating bacteria from spreading but it's a good mental thing.

1:38 PM

Blogger Libby said...

ha! my husband won't go to the family doctor himself...i suggest it, and he says 'are you trying to kill me??"

11:47 PM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Our doc has a "Sick" Patient Waiting Room and a "Non-Sick" one. I sit there and silently berate the people that don't abide by that rule, or who sit too close to the "neutral zone".

7:58 AM

Blogger Brian said...

carry a small bottle of disinfectant for yours and the kids hands

10:22 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Snakes! Snakes! AHHHHHHH!

11:41 PM


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