(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Lookin' for porn in all the wrong places

When I was a kid we didn't have the Internet on all these fancy computers. Back then if you wanted porn you had to go find it - it wasn't going to just pop into your Livingroom at 1024 x 768. So from a young age I can remember several adventures for porn. I think these are in chronological order (I can't remember the specific dates however).

Kenny Smith's fort - (note name not changed - Kenny won't mind). There was an older kid that lived at the end of my street named Kenny. Kenny had this awesome tree fort - but we weren't really allowed in it (because we were much younger). At some point we must have snuck in and discovered Kenny had a Playboy!!! Holy crap - this was my first exposure to the nude female form.... and I liked it. Some people ask me, "Scott, did you become heterosexual? Or do you think you were born that way?" (A fair question). Well I don't know the answer - but man I liked what I saw!! I can remember one of the pictures clearly. A lady with a snake on her shoulders. If that lady stood in a lineup of 1,000 other women I could pick her out to this day (if she took off her top and put a snake on her shoulders - oh and if she wasn't like 65 now).

Ben Smith's dad's sock drawer - Ben Smith's (name not changed) dad had a stash of Playboys in his sock drawer. One day while over at Ben's he announced this fact and then proceeded to raid the stash. We perused quite a few hotties and didn't get caught - nice!

My dad's "dirty" magazines - As a gag gift, for his birthday, my dad's friend gave him a box that was proudly labelled "Dirty Magazines". Well it was all a big tease! They were actual nudie mags but Pete had put mud in all of the pages... get it? Dirty? Dammit Pete!!! You are wasting quality porn here!!!!

V&S magazine rack - In my town there was a store called V&S Variety. They sold penny candy and Garbage Pail Kids (awesome) [Garbage Pail Kids started selling in 1985 - so figure I am 10 at this point]. They also had a big magazine rack. In the rack were lots of comics - but also nudie-mags. Well, we were clever 10 year olds. We would pick up a comic and then put a nudie-mag inside. We could look at real naked chicks and no one knew!! Well maybe they knew and didn't care - either way - it ruled!

Playboy channel (part 1) - At some point my parents got cable. Well back in the day scrambling technology was a little lacking. So the image would be a little wobbly - but the sound was unaffected. Well - "uh uh uh ahhhh oooohh" sounds the same if the picture is wobbly or not.

Playboy channel (part 2) - Well a kid in the neighborhood, Chuck (name not changed), had taken this to the next level. At his house the cable box had an A/B button. If you pressed it really fast it descrambled the picture. Holy shit! Live nude women! I mean you'd have carple tunnel from hitting the button like 400/minute - but it was worth it.

Playboy channel (part 3) - This is the pinnacle of my childhood porn life. My friend Jack (real name) calls me and says, "GO TO 35!" I flip to channel 35. It is the Playboy channel - but for some reason there is no scrambling what-so-ever!! It is coming in clear as day. Well I kept my thumb on the channel up button (in case someone walked in) but for a glorious hour I saw uninterrupted porn!!! It was the greatest day of my life (I mean besides getting married and having kids and all of the other stuff you are supposed to say).

7 Comments:

Blogger ARM said...

My brother's friend had a descrambler (also before all the super high-tech scrambling shit), so he was always over at his house. Not watching HBO, I'll tell you this.

7:46 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember when I first got a computer and connected to the internet at around a whopping 10kbps over dialup. Luckily my parents hadn't really been exposed to the internet yet so they had no idea of all that is out there (still don't only because they don't know how to use a computer).

Anyways, I would go to sites and try to view the nudity on them but they would load line by line so there were was always anticipation to see the next line because you knew it would show more skin. Then, sometimes you would get lucky and a whole block of pixels would load at once. However, there were also times when the page would stop loading so you'd have a face (no one cares about) and then half a boob. Talk about torture as a teenager.

Not to mention the pics came in at an awesome 16 bit color range so you had quite a bit of pixelation anyways. Still, you have to play the cards you're dealt.

8:07 AM

 
Blogger Erik with a K said...

You are a hero of sorts to me - besides my wife (Computer forensics investigator), you probably see more email porn than anyone I know.

I'll never forget my dad finding my Playboy stash under the bed, he threw it at me and said, Find a better hiding spot you idiot, anybody vacuuming under your bed would find them...

9:34 AM

 
Blogger Weary Hag said...

Okay so I'm only 50 and the snake died but I'm still just as hot.
Glad you could pick me up out of line-up - kinda makes it all worthwhile.

6:39 PM

 
Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

you have inspired me to tell the tale of porn heaven. coming soon to a blog near you.

6:28 AM

 
Blogger Scott said...

Weary,

Glad to hear things have been going well since the photo shoot - sorry about the snake.

Hopefully you'll be on a playboy channel "where are they now" then I could see you again. That would be awesome.

9:51 AM

 
Blogger stewbie2 said...

Me and my sister used to push channel 365 and 0 at the same time--that was the "buy porn" channel. If you got it just right, you'd get free, scrambled porn. As soon as we figured that out, we used to invite all our friends over after school to look at the scrambled weiners.

11:11 AM

 

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