(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Monday, April 04, 2005

Daylight Savings Time

I vistited my family in Western New York this weekend. When I was there I saw this documentary about the evolution of Daylight Savings - it talked about when it became law and standardized etc. It was pretty interesting. Some states and areas don't have the same rules for Daylight Savings which is funny - not funny 'ha ha' - funny I will fucking kill every last mother-fucker in the state of Pennsylvania. So like in Indiana and Arizona they don't do Daylight Savings - and in other places you "lose" an hour. But in Pennsylvania you lose 6 hours!!!

FUPA - is a funny word. You can go www.fupa.com and see a funny picture (make sure no one is standing directly behind you or they will look at you funny). Anyway - the definition of FUPA at urban Dictionary (link above) is the same definition I always had. But from now on FUPA means Fuck You Pennsylvania. I will forever refer to Pennsylvania as FUPA.

Here is my tale of woe with FUPA. Yesterday I left Western NY at 2pm. The trip to Cleveland is 4 hours with no kids and 5 hours with kids. So I figure we'll be rolling into C-town around 7ish. Not too bad - a bit later than I'd like but still okay. As we get farther west in NY the roads start getting shittier and shitter with snow and ice. Our average speed is about 45MPH on Interstate 90. We stop at a rest stop that is about 70 miles from the FUPA line and feed and change kids. We get back on the highway and there is a car off the road literally every mile for 10 miles. Then it spaces out to about every 3 miles. Needless to say people are shitty drivers. We press on.

At 5pm we hit the FUPA line (so it took 3 hours - it normally only takes 2). We get 4.1 miles into FUPA and we come to a stop. Darn - must be an accident (or a suicide). So we stop for a minute. I figure I'll tune the radio and get some traffic info. Oh this area must not have an AM station so I search FM. I get to an FM station 94.7 (Froggy FM). This asshole on this station keeps referring to times that indicate to me he hasn't changed his clock - nice work shit bag. He gives out some phone number to call for more info on traffic. I call it once but it is busy. My cell battery has one nugget left so I call my mom and have her call the number until she can get through. We have been sitting - in the same exact spot for 1 hour. We finally decide to get the kids out of their seats so the can move around.

My mom calls back and says, "90 is closed - there are no passible roads through Erie. The guy at the 'barracks' recommends just exiting and bunkering down." Oh, cool - so at zero MPH I will reach the next exit.... NEVER you fucking moron barracks douche bag. So we "play" in the car and listen to the radio - flipping to find any kind of additional info. Another hour goes by and people are walking around their cars. NO cars are going by us EastBound - so things are fucked in that direction too. Enter - "the Shoveler".

No plows have gone by in either direction. No police have driven/flown by. The Emergency Broadcasting System is not activated. The guy on Froggy still thinks it is an hour ago and is giving me weather updates for an hour ago. It is snowing pretty hard when a guy walks over to the median. He has a staff of somekind and he is measuring the snow depth. It varies - but it is between 2 and 4 feet deep. We watch a German Shepard try to "its business" and fail to make it through the snow. At the same time "the Shoveler" appears. He looks like an every day citizen - but he isn't he has a shovel and he starts digging a path from the WestBound lanes to the Eastbound ones via the median. It is 2-4 feet deep and about 50 feet across x a car width wide. That is what he is going for! So he starts digging. We watch for about an hour - he is digging away. Once he hits the 1/2 way point other people go out to help. They are using the floor mats of their cars to dig out. After about 30 minutes more they have made it!

So this path now exists - it has been over 3 hours. The first car (a trail rated Jeep Cherokee) lines up and goes through the path. It makes it - people honk and cheer. (It is just like in Empire Strikes Back when the Rebels launch their ships and the base announces "the first ships are away - the first ships are away" and the Rebels cheer). In Die Hard 2, when Bruce Willis blows up the bad guy's plane leaving a long streak of jet fuel on the run way, he yells there's your landing lights!!! Tell them to follow the flames!! [other guy] They already know!! And the planes all land safely. Well other cars shot the gap following just like that - with no instruction. A Chevy Avalanche, a Geo Tracker!!!, a couple others - then a Pontiac goes through - but doesn't make it. I told my wife I was going to help push if anyone got stuck. But back on the ranch my kids are both screaming.... Oh, also traffic is moving... So sorry Pontiac guy - we are the fuck OUT OF HERE!

We move .1 miles. I shit you not. We moved .1 miles after almost 4 fucking hours. My wife has to pee. She proceeds to get out of the car and pee right in front of it. I get out and do the same. I wish I had a poo - I'd love to shit on FUPA. Oh, speaking of shit... During the 4 hour ordeal - I have had the worst, smelliest, foulest gas of my entire life. I am not fucking kidding - I thought the troopers would find us assfixiated. It was AWFUL!!

We sit 1 more hour and start moving a little bit more - then another stop. Finally (after over 5 hours a .4 miles) we start to move a bit faster. We get to the exit (that has always be 2 miles away). They force everyone off the highway (A cop car blocks the highway). We get to the bottom of the ramp - in 5 hours FUPA's finest have managed to put up NO signs, no one is directing traffic. It is fucking ANARCHY! We cross over the center of the road and turn around (there are some douches blocking the on ramp). I get out of the car and say, "Any suggestions?" (What I want to say is I will kill every last one of you lazy, useless, worthless pieces of shit. Your level of incompetence is so fucking unfathamable I will fucking destroy you. The goddamn Iraqis would rebuild a bridge over night after Allied airstrikes in the first Gulf War. REBUILD a bridge overnight - you can't plow and salt a road in 5 goddamn hours!!! But I restrain myself). He says, "If you are going to Cleveland you can take this road 5 miles south and get on 86 - that will connect you back to the 90." Wow - that was surprisingly helpful.

So I drive the 5 miles - the "road" is a disaster of ice and snow. I get to the 86 and immediately realize that I am not getting on. There is a 6 foot snow drift where the entrance to the 86 is supposed to be - there are cops and trucks all over. No one is moving. Something clicks in the wife - her brain says rage. She gets out and I can tell by her hands that she is MF'ing some cops up and down for the sins of some assholes 5 miles away. She comes back and says there is a "shelter" a few miles away - with cots, food and water. Fuck that - I am getting out of FUPA - oh and I am going back and killing the fuckers that told us to use 86. We turn around. I am planning the deaths of the fuckers that told me to go to 86. When we get back to their spot... they are... gone! The ramp is open - the highway is open - it is clear. We have no issues passing the road. However, there are 1000's of cars stopped on the far side of the road. So after sucking away 6 hours of my life we escape. I get home at 2am. Fuck you FUPA!!!!!


Blogger ARM said...

Wow, you would think that this was the first snow in the history of man...what a crappy time!

4:36 PM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

damn. I hate western ny.

7:08 PM

Blogger Kara0303 said...

Huh, we had a high of 77 today down here in Atlanta. It was beautiful blue skies, no clouds, you should move....wait a minute. I'm kidding. The weather sucks. Worse than FUPA AND Western NY put together. You definitely SHOULD NOT, I repeat SHOULD NOT attempt to move down here (Kara's inner voice - we don't need anymore jackasses down here to add more traffic to my commute to work).

Sorry to hear about your hard time through PA is what I really meant to say. I'm sure you'll look back and enjoy the quality family time you had together though. :)

8:01 PM

Blogger John said...

I'm not sure why but your blog seems to be a beacon for single hot chicks

10:12 PM

Blogger Erik with a K said...

Holy crap, Evil John is right. And that sucks about FUPA. Guess who has a wedding to go to in Erie this June?!?! Trailers Ahoy!

10:41 PM


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