(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Fighting with the bouncer at Gerry's funeral

John keeps writing these awesome posts about when he was a kid. I have lots of good kid stories too - but I want to write a story about now. This is totally unbelieveable - but totally true. A few disclaimers (1) all names have been changed. If my mom ever read this she'd kick my ass - but changing the names might allow her to stop at that. (2) my great uncle "Gerry" is dead - that is the start of the story - that is the least funny part.

So Gerry passed away a few months ago (don't ask lots of questions about the time of death versus the memorial date). He was my mom's uncle. My mom's side of the family is pretty crazy and this guy was the head of the craziest clan (he was pretty normal but his daughters are whack).
Daughter 1 - this daughter is the most normal. I could have regular conversations with her and she didn't have any crazy beliefs or "causes". Oh she has a hook for a hand.
Daughter 2 - (yeah you read that right #1 has a hook for a hand - awesome). Daughter 2 is more whacked-out. I went to her wedding. She was barefoot and her husband has a white-fro (a la Bob Ross). She changed her name when she got married (pretty normal eh?) Oh but she changed her first name!! She went from Roberta to Elisa!!! WTF? Then she switched back.
Daughter 3- This girl has the New York state license plate "No Nukes" - she has like a billion bumper stickers. I bet mentioning George Bush would put her into a killer rage. Her son, Jason, does not have a dad. I mean no one knows who it is. This is awesome because it allows my dad to say bastard like a million times every time we are driving to a reunion. "Will jason-the-bastard be there?" Then my mom yells at him - then he justifies bastard and says it like another million times

Okay, so this bunch was in charge of Gerry's memorial service. Gerry was Quaker. Not sure if you have ever been to a Quaker event - but here's the deal. There is no Rabbi or Priest - just a bunch of people sitting there. No one says anything - at some point when someone is inspired they stand and share a thought - then they sit down. Everyone is encouraged to quietly reflect on it. Then after a few minutes the process repeats. So you really have to hope that you don't fart.

Okay - so they plan the memorial (it is this upcoming weekend) I am not going because I spent my whole life in the car this past weekend. My mom told me it was at some reception hall. Okay - here's the clincher - they aren't paying for it. Gerry's estate isn't paying for it. They are collecting money at the door!?!! My Great Uncle's funeral has a fucking cover - I shit you not! Oh my God, questions started puring out of me, "Do the kids get in free? Is there a senior discount? Kids shorter than this line can't attend? Early Bird specials? Coupons?" Holy christ this is comic pay-dirt. I hope there is a bouncer and my dad gets all, "Jason-the-bastard" and they kick him out. Holy F that would be the coolest thing ever.

Oh - I am making my sister go and take notes on the ensuing crazy. I will post details next week.


Blogger Sarah said...

OMG this is amazing. I'm going. I've been saving up for Gerry's funeral for like 2 weeks now. I hope they have a DJ.

2:20 PM

Blogger slcup said...

OK, I thought my family was weird, but you've got me beat, hands (hook) down.

3:13 PM

Blogger ARM said...

Sorry about Gerry. That being said - holy crap that's really genious if you think about it. Save the money of the estate for inheritance. How hilarious!

3:24 PM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

It would be funny if someone gave their money and you gave them a coupon for one free drink.

4:51 PM

Blogger Weary Hag said...

Are there two "shows" like the Catholics do? You know, one at 2p and one at 7p? If you've already paid for the first show, do you get into the second one free if your hand is stamped?
This post is simply hilarious!

6:16 PM

Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

You had me at the hook for a hand. I didn't know that was an option in the last 30 years except for men of the sea.

8:15 PM

Blogger Carly said...

My grandparents lived with my Uncle Bob (who I love but he is a total redneck)...when Grandma died I looked around at the wake and asked where my two cousins were.... no one answered. Turns out they were arrested on the way up for posession. I'm so PROUD. Yeah.

At my wedding, during my first dance with my father, he told me that cousin #1 had become a daddy the day before... they think. They weren't sure if it was his. Since he wasn't married this was news to me that he was even about to become a daddy. You can see me laughing in my wedding video.

The baby wasn't his in the end.

11:34 PM

Blogger Erik with a K said...

Scott, this is amazing. I would be willing to cover you if you wanted to go and blog about it, live.

Carly, awesome. I wish we were family. I really do.

9:47 AM


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