(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Bait and Switch

The best part about knocking a chick up is that you no longer have to worry about knocking that chick up. What I mean is once she is pregnant you no longer have to take precautions to prevent pregnancy. No pills, creams, gels, condoms, sponges, plugs, thermometers etc. You want to get some lovin' - you just go for it. So that's pretty awesome. After you have a kid you have to wait 6 weeks before the "Out of Order" sign comes down (this is understandable since one of my kids was over 10 lbs). Anyway, my wife breast feeds the baby. I, being a scholar of highschool Health, know that while breastfeeding a girl can't get pregnant. Awesome! I mean its like all of the unprotected sex - but none of the weird feelings that i might be poking my baby in the eye! Well here is where the bait and switch comes in. Oh, but wait! Apparently something that all gynocologists and mommies know is that you *can* get pregnant - I mean it is possible!!! WTF!! This is bullshit! Oh and the hormones in "the pill" are not good for breast feeding - so I have been reduced to condoms!!

[If you are under 18 please read the next line and then stop reading] Condoms are a fantastic contraceptive that can enhance your experience with your partner and protect you from STDs and pregnancy while not altrering the level of enjoyment for either partner. [okay kids stop reading]

[Adults] The line above is total fucking bullshit. Holy shit condoms suck. I can't even list the ways these things suck. Okay maybe I can. (1) They smell weird. (2) Even at age 30 I feel weird buying them. (3) The 3 minute break in the action to go put it on is the worst thing ever. (4) I can never tell which way it rolls out - so I have to inspect it for about 2 minutes before I can put it on. (5) You can't feel a thing. (If a guy/girl says it feels the same - errrrrr! wrong!) (6) I have broken 2 or 3 in my life - which makes for comfortable couple of weeks of waiting.

So I have this box of condoms (Trojan) and I have to admit - my wife bought it. But it is like an 18 pack - I don't want to get too personal - but the condoms have a shelf life of like 3 years. So that is like 6 condoms a year. I'm just saying I might be cutting it close to having some expire.

Back when pregnancy meant getting kicked out of the house I didn't use Trojans, I used "Gold Circle Coin". You see Consumer Reports did an test on condoms and those were rated the highest. They could consistently inflate to the size of a watermellon and not burst. I figure I might need that feature at some point. Anyway I am sick of condoms. Marriage shouldn't be about condoms. It should be about throw down - go crazy sex whenever someone decides they want it*

* when both kids are in bed, no one has a headache or a meeting or a level that the just have to beat or is tired or might have to wake up for the kids later or just finished volleyball or has to get up early or their back hurts.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scott, you couldn't be more right. Condoms are like the death of "good" sex. You can still have sex but it's just not good. Makes you look like a stallion in the sack though since the lack of sensation makes you last for-freaking-ever!

As far as buying them, it will always feel weird because the girl behind the counter knows where they are going. Tom Green once did an episode about buying condoms where he made the register girl pretty uncomfortable. It was pretty funny. Kept telling her that she is handling something that will later be on his hang down. Good stuff.

8:34 AM

Blogger Sarah said...

As a female I would just like to say that condoms effing suck. I hate them. I understand their necessity and appreciate them for the tough job they have and usually perform successfully, but I hate them.

Oh and the first time I had sex with B, the condom broke so that was totally awesome and not uncomfortable at all. I was like, "I know this is really the first time we've actually spent together in person, but do you want to have a baby with me or what? Cuz I kind of might need to know the answer to that question."

Hey maybe I should get married so that at least there is the possibility that I will have sex this year even if it is only 6 times.

8:57 AM

Blogger David said...

I still believe the best condom on the market is the one you get from the run down gas station at 2am. The one from the "French Tickler" line I believe it is. The one that doesn't have lubricant, but powder on it and instead of having raised ridges for her pleasure.. has a big hunk of rubber super glued to the top that looks like someone blew their nose on it. Yep, that provides for some good lovin!

10:55 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

All I can say is if it takes you 3 minutes to roll one on, you should take some of those close-to-expiring ones and practice.

This was a great post, and totally freakin' hilarious....it's bad enough if your wife has never had a kid, but after that a condom is like, "Am I in yet?"

11:21 AM

Blogger Beck said...

Yup, it's true. TOTALLY got pregnant whilst breastfeeding.

11:42 AM

Blogger ARM said...

I think I choked on my Dr. Pepper. Excellent post and I completely agree with you. I. Hate. Condoms. And I'm married and we use them. Because someone isn't ready for me to be preggers yet. It sucks. The bad way.

3:31 PM

Blogger Charlotte said...

I too agree, condoms are awful.. thankfully(or not?) i'm allergic to them so we don't bother. We've always been at the 'if we have a kid oh well' stage.. it's been 8 years with the 'pull-out' method, not pregnant yet. hmmm...

4:40 PM

Blogger Scott said...

The "pull out" method is similar to what we usually use... the "don't put it in" method. It has a pretty high success rate.

5:47 PM

Blogger Erik with a K said...

That condom stank is the worst - makes me nearly wretch just thinking of it. And later, she's all like - I can totally smell it. What? What?! I just took a shower! I'm just sayin' it still reeks of hospital in here...

Great post SS, you da man. Now go hit that if you're not asleep already - you're a married man and it's about the throw down, bizzatch.

10:48 PM

Blogger Scott said...

Cover me - I'm going in!!

11:48 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to agree that condoms are horrible.

There's a thin line between the macho feeling of being able to last a long time, and where it starts to take too long and she starts thinking that she doesn't do it for you (a complete mood killer.)

Thank goodness for The Pill. Unfortunately it's dreadful to go back to the jimmy-hats when needed.

11:48 PM

Blogger Weary Hag said...

I'm laughing so hard over here my cats are huddled in the corner and trembling.
Thank you so much for finally giving me a reason to look forward to menopause. I guess there's something to be said for old broads after all.

6:29 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

There is one brand that doesn't stink like a tire factory on fire. I stumbled on it a while back, and now I can't find it again. It's killing me.

7:25 AM

Blogger Brian said...

One word - mini pill. Oh crap - 2 words.

10:19 AM

Blogger John said...

Avanti Polyurethane condoms. I bet those don't stink like a burning tire factory but maybe like a freshly sealed deck. Also I think it takes Scott 3 minutes to don the jimmy because he has a huge deck to polyurethane.

11:53 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I lived in the south for a few years while my husband was still in the USMC. One day we were shopping at Kroger's and added condoms to our shopping cart. The check out girl saw them and yelled: "WOO HOO. YOU'S GETTING WILD TA-NIGHT!"

9:30 AM


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