(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Friday, March 25, 2005

Keep your fucking hands off my kid

I went to BJ's the other day with my wife and 2 kids. My littlest kid is 7 months old (and is super ridiculously cute). Anyway, I have to go get my card renewed so I take the little'n and my wife gets the big one. We are standing in line and I see a lady in my periferal vision. I immediately realize she is going to touch my kid - I am not sure how I know this - I just know. She moves in close and starts ooohing and ahhhing him. I actually turn my shoulders to interpose myself between her and the object of her tactile desire. She breaks off the attack and goes away.

When I get to the front of the line - this same lady is the one running the register for renewals. Dammit - it was a strategic withdrawl - she's got us cornered. I hand her my credit card and she rings it up. She goes to hand me the reciept and sees her opening. "I can hold him while you sign this." Fuck - I am too slow and she grabs the bub's wrist (gently - not trying to pry him free or anything). I smile and get the F out of there.

Another time the whole fam is in the food court at the mall. My wife has the little one (he is about 4 months at this point - but still enticingly cute). My kid-toucher sensor starts going off. I get the bigger kid (2.5 years old) and I shove him into a quarter operated ride. The attacker is close - I can feel her. Decloaking off the starboard bow!!! This totally crazy lady and some other lady walk up. "Look at heeem, he is soooooo beautiful!!" [inner monolgue - okay - back off slowly] The lady touched his arm. [honey back off - back off now - full reverse - release chaff - fire flares - evasive manuver pattern Tango!!!] Too late. Crazy lady says, "he is sooooo gorgeous!!" Then she leans in and kisses my kid's cheek!!! WTF? Are you insane? I should have karate chopped her ass - but I was stunned. As she is pulling away I am studying her in excruciating detail. I could pick this lady out from a lineup with her 3 other quadruplet sisters. She had bucked up chompers and the kicker is that she had a Medic-Alert braclet!!! What!! What is wrong with her - why does she have this? "Dear medic please be aware that this crazy lady has a scortching case of syphillus" Dammit.

7 Comments:

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

that is fucked. I can't believe you couldn't avoid the kiss. You're like 7 feet tall -- just lift the kid out of range or something. That's on par with a total stranger walking up to your wife and burying my face in her cleavage. Oh wait, their face. Yeah. That;s what I meant.

5:53 PM

 
Blogger Beck said...

That is so creepy. It's also bad to have your pregnant belly touched by complete strangers... but it's WAY worse once the kid is out and not shielded by your flesh and immune system.

7:11 PM

 
Blogger ARM said...

It's just wrong that people think that they can just touch some stranger's child! It's one thing to "ooh" and "ahh" over it, but touching without permission is crazy.

12:14 PM

 
Blogger ARM said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:15 PM

 
Blogger danielle said...

yeah, this is whack. strangers keep kissing my 90 day-old niece and i'm not havin it.

8:18 PM

 
Blogger kelly said...

I'm male. I don't have kids. I've never touched antoher person's kid without permission, except once to grap a 2 year old headed for a busy street at top speed. What is wrong with these people?

Me

6:42 PM

 
Blogger Brian said...

Are you insane. They are probably old wrinkly ass ladies like 80 that have nothing better to do. It's your good deed for the month. You just take the kid home and give him a good acid wash after.

8:23 PM

 

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