(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Friday, March 04, 2005

Airports.... (some of my best rage yet)

God - please give me the strength and endurance to properly convey my rage regarding airports. Nothing makes me want to end the lives of strangers more than the airport. Take 100's of perfectly sane and rtional people and put them in an airport and it's like Lord of the frickin' Flies. I'll try to keep this in some logical order (my brain is screaming everything I hate in one overbearing rant stream - I will try to make sense of it).

Outside the airport
Before even entering the airport - it sucks. The traffic sucks. Long term parking is about 400 miles from the airport and is still like a billion dollars a day (oh and a "day" equals 31 minutes apparently). If you are getting dropped off it is just as bad. One million people jockeying for position in the curb lane - taxis wizzing about - some ego inflated rent-a-cop yelling at you to move along. You basically have to toss the person and the luggage out - or a dude with an M-16 comes over to speed things up. It is worse on the pickup end - because you can't find the person so they (M-16 guy) makes you drive away. Then you have to loop around and jockey again.

Finally there is curbside check in. A bunch of dock-worker looking guys that can check you in. F that - some people swear by this - but I am never doing it. I don't know who they are or where my luggage will go. Plus I just spent $500 for an hour flight - I am not tipping anyone.

Inside the Airport
If there are 100 airlines flying - and only *1* has a really long queue at check-in - that is the one I will be flying on. So I get in a line with the other 1,000 people. We are all schlepping a ton of shit and anxiously await our chance to move 11 inches closer. As soon as the line moves - you are like AWESOME movement. Then the guy infront of me doesn't move - and I am thinking come on - 11 inches - MOVE!! People with platinum-gold-medalion-one-pass service are flying through some other line that has 14 dedicated check-in people. I finally get about 2 people from check in. Then comes the pain. "Ma'am? ma'am? Next available please. MA'AM?? Excuse me MA'AM??" For fuck's sake lady we have been in line for fricken 3 hours - have you watched the process AT ALL? When you get to the front of the queue - you have to actively scan back and forth for the next agent - not sit there with your thumb in your ass. Finally the lady notices she is next and is being hailed. (This is the exact smae shit people pull when they are in the pole position at a red light. I am 13 cars back thinking, "okay I *can* make this light - be we have to work together here. Then it goes green and dipshit at the front doesn't move!! You have one job - when the light goes green punch it!! God!) [better make a new paragraph so anonymous doesn't have a shit fit]

I get to the check-in agent and I have all of my papers and ID ready (this is rare and I can see her appreciation). I generally ask for a seat with more leg room - and sometimes I get it. I think because I am not being a total demanding fuckwad like most people. She asks if I am checking any bags and I usually say no (Note: if I am on the borderline I will check it to avoid the embarassment of having to try to shove the thing into the overhead when it won't go). Off to the metal detectors.

I think society really breaks down here. It is another long line. People fidget relentlessly. I look around and take note of people with *way* too much shit for one person to take in carry on. People should know the drill empty everything out, take off shoes and belt, open laptop then walk through radiation bombarding arch and hope for no beep. But people are stupid and always decide to go piecemeal. BEEP! So they take off the watch. BEEP! They take off their belt. BEEP! They remove the shoes. BEEP! So they get the little wand thing. People get *really* pissed if they are detained at this stage. (Lots of sighing and groaning). See I don't give a shit - becuase (1) I don't want to get blown up. (2) I am 2 hours early for my flight - they can do a full cavity search and I'll still have plenty of time to relax before my flight. People are stupid and try to cut it razor thin so that if they are slowed for more than 20 seconds they miss their flight.

At the gate
When you are waiting for the flight you get to people watch - which is awesome. I love to watch smokers get off a flight and run full speed to a designated smoking area. I love to watch people run to catch a flight. I just love to watch people suffer. So they make the announcement, "Flight 7837 with non-stop service to Miami will begin a courtesy preboard for the handicapped and those with children and the mile-high club" At this point everyone starts to look around and weigh the competition. They think, "I am in row 9, which will be called last - but if I go stand close to the gate I can dart in front of people - maybe I'll go when they call row 10 and higher - yeah fuck em." So there is an impenetrible wall of people that aren't moving - you have to weave through when your row is called. Hey - assholes - you have a ticket - no one is taking your seat. RELAX!!

At the baggage claim
This is the worst part of all. People are in a genuine panic. They have to be 1 millimeter from the conveyor thingy. They have to have their huge cart 1 millimeter from the conveyor. As soon as they hear the "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" they almost lose their minds. (Like a dog waiting to be fed). I usually stand back and wait to see my bag - when I do I walk up and politely say, "excuse me" If people move we are fine - if they don't I intentioanally shove them and bash them with my baggage as I pull it off. Yeah - that's right - fuck you.


Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

It's enough to make you want to stay the hell home.

8:23 AM

Blogger Tigerlily said...

Amen! I especially hate the baggage claim dance. There is always that one guy that has to fondle every piece of frickin luggage like he has a Pink Barbie suitcase with ribbons on it.

8:34 AM

Blogger Sarah said...

I really don't understand the hold up at security. It's been over 3 years since 9/11, and the rules haven't changed, people. Not only that, there is a sign about every 5 feet explicitly detailing every single thing you need to do to prepare. It even has pictures for people who are too annoyed/illiterate to read. Also there is usually one really mean security worker who is standing nearby screaming at the top of his/her lungs all the same stuff on the sign, "Get out your boarding pass and ID! Take off anything metal RIGHT NOW!!! Get out your laptop and cell phone!! TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES GODDAMMIT!!!!!" But then you still get people up there who are like-whoa my metal belt buckle won't make it through the scanner? Hmm-that's peculiar. Hey-what about my cell phone? You mean I can't just carry it through? No these shoes are leather, they won't set off the beeper. What-they have metal pieces in them? GOD I HATE THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!

P.S. Scott, quit being a total pu**y and use the curbside check in for Christ's sake. It's seriously amazing.

8:51 AM

Blogger ARM said...

You're great, dude. This is some seriously funny shit right here. I always have that issue in long lines also...all the fuckos in front of me take forever and then I get up there and take 3 seconds. Why in the fuck is that? Jesus.

11:28 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

excellent! You summed up the hell that is air travel perfectly. For your next rant, you should be on the plane.

12:08 PM

Blogger John said...

what's the deal with that asspile that is in line behind you and the line hasn't moved but he moves a little anyway and rams you then apologizes then repeats the process 3 seconds later. Hey fuckface, the line isn't fucking moving, stand the fuck down.

12:34 PM

Blogger mc said...

At the BWI airport there are actually three video screens (all visible while waiting in line at security) showing cartoon people taking off everything that will go off in the metal detector. Does it make for a quicker process? no. Apparently, the guy that walks through with his shoes on and cell phone IN HAND couldn't understand the cartoon man taking off is giant clown shoes and putting his ginormous cell phone in the gray plastic bin.

12:35 PM

Blogger Scott said...

Mr. Virgil,

My inital plan was to talk about being on the plane - but I thought I'd do a quick piece on getting through the airport first. Then I realized the airport pisses me off - bad. So I had to put some focus there first.

1:00 PM

Blogger Melanie was here said...

When you get that asspile behind you that keeps ramming you when the line isn't moving it is fun to intentionally not move for a few minutes when the line does actually progress. Get them all red faced and pissed, then move up! It is awesome! Also helps to "accidentally" knock your suitcase over on their feet. Works wonders.

1:12 PM

Blogger Sarah said...

Oh my God, Matt-BWI was the main airport I was thinking of when talking about how there are just so many freaking signs for what you're supposed to do in the security line. I haven't seen the cartoons yet, but it sounds like it's pretty effective.

1:49 PM

Blogger Erik with a K said...

I like the dumptrucks (thanks JV) who leave their bags near my seat and go take a leak, meanwhile 150 security guys come rushing over asking me who's bag it is and giving me shit about it. The dumptruck comes back and gets all pissy about it, like it wasn't his fault he didn't listen to the 700 recorded greetings saying NOT to leave his fucking bag unattended...sheesh.

4:42 PM

Blogger Brian said...

Forget curbside. Most airlines now allow you to print your own boarding passes at home upto 24 hours ahead of time. Than, the line for this is 10x shorter.
Also, when at a light, even if it's not my green, I will honk if someone else isn't going on their green.

10:46 AM

Blogger kelly said...

I flew up to Yellowstone the Summer after 9/11. They had this huge scan-o-matick thing in the middle of the check in space in Salt Lake. I make it through check in and as I pass the huge machine It makes this grinding/whine noise and you can smell burning rubber. A guy walks up and pokes a stick through a hole to move something along. I chuckle only to see my backpack (minus a useless dangling strap) spit out the other side. I nearly pissed myself laughing.


6:11 PM


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