(I am back and we have some things to discuss. Can't... control.... anger!"

Friday, November 04, 2005

Crotching Tiger Hidden Dragon

First a little business to attend to :
(1) I finally have a chance to post - so I hope the was worth the 3 week wait.
(2) I added the challenge word so the blog spammers can fucking eat a cock!

Okay - sometimes I like to be informative. So I'd like to let the women out there know a few things. It is way easier to hit a toilet from point blank range than from about 3 feet in the air. For women it is like shooting fish in a barrel - they just sit down and no aiming is required - they just "go". For guys we have to actually aim our implement towards the toilet to get the desired results.

Sounds simple - right? Well there are many factors - not windage or anything like that - no more subtle issues. Sometimes the implement can be aimed in one direction and the stream will go in some other direction - it just happens like that. So you have to make a quick course correction. If you have to pee at night it's worse. You have to use some kind of urine ricochet sonar to determine where the stream is in the bowl. So depending on the sound of the ricochet you might have to change your aim. Even worse is the "split stream" (yeah contend with that women). That's right - one implement and magically 2 streams based on your height, angloe of attack and direction of the streams it might not even be possible to get them both on target.

So next time you go to sit down an "the seat is up" and you whine and cry (who the fuck doesn't look before they sit down? There could be a fucking pit viper in there or something) just remember all of the work we guys have to do.


Blogger The Jamoker said...

glad you're back.

11:40 PM

Blogger KOM said...

I'm glad that you hit on the split-stream and off-angle situation. But there is also the 'more violent than anticipated' scenario, were even aimed low it can shoot straight up, causing one to back up and on to the wall to piss down properly. This, of course, is followed by the immediate change in pressure pitfall where you are suddenly soiling the base of the toilet.

Regardless, I'm going to print out this post and tape it above my toilet. On second thought, I'm going to tape it on the towel rack, so that the wife can't miss it.

No pun inteded.

12:23 AM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Welcome back.

Don't forget about the correction for the errant stream, followed by the unanticipated stream straightening -- which messes you all up. You gotta be quick.

my verification was GURGU -- I am pretty sure that he fought Mothra once.

5:16 PM

Blogger John said...

I always aim outside of the target ring. Yeah I miss a lot but on the occasions where some part of my stream starts inside the target zone I think "yeah eff you crazy pee."

10:29 PM

Anonymous Ali said...

My fella let me hold and aim his for him once, just so I'd know. You are right - it's amazingly difficult!! You have my sympathy

3:09 AM

Blogger Sarah said...

I'll concede that it's harder for you guys to pee if guys will promise to:

1. wash their effing hands--every time.

2. never bitch about how hard it is for you guys to pee during tailgating. You can go anywhere. We have to wait in a 45 minute line for a port-o-potty.

9:00 AM

Blogger David M said...

Amen brother!

1:43 PM

Blogger Scott said...

Ummmm - holy crap. My wife doesn't read my blog - but she just Emailed this link (we have a 3 year old) -- AWESOME.

1:53 PM

Blogger Jacq said...

Welcome back, Kotter, I mean Scott.

I never really whine about the toilet seat being up. It's easier to see if my signif other has left his mark anywhere, so I can THEN bitch to him that he needs to clean it. But that's when he visits. Otherwise, we don't live together, so I almost never have to worry about the seat remaining up for very long.

8:42 AM

Blogger LizzieDaisy said...

I want a musical potty chair!

And I get it... peeing is hard work. Still think you should have to clean up your own messes. :)

9:02 AM

Blogger zilla said...

I read once that there is usually a medical reason for a split urine stream or other urine stream irregularities in males. I'll give you a hint: most sexually active women are tested for it every year, yet men are never routinely tested for it, which explains why upwards of 75% of all sexually active human beings have it. So, ladies, if you use his potty and the seat happens to be up and you happen to notice he sprinkled when he tinkled, you might want to insist he wear a condom, or, whatever.

7:07 PM

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...


Maybe it's just cuz it's been all jammed up in some pants for 3 hours. Try keeping your garden hose in your mailbox on a hot summer day, then try to use it to water your plants. Let me know how you make out.

7:33 PM

Blogger Rob Seifert said...

Chuckle thanks again Scott! Way to defend the penis!


12:21 AM

Blogger slcup said...

Come back to us, Scott.

10:36 AM

Blogger steph-a-ninnie said...

I'm sorry, but Pop n' Squat ain't the easy life. I've peed down my leg in a public bathroom before, and I've got nothin' to aim. Explain that.

9:29 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

this man speaks the truth

1:21 PM


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