God, people piss me off

Guinness Book of World Records*

2007-02-28T11:01:00.000-05:00

In case you didn't hear - this year was the first year *ever* that 2 "African American" coaches went to the Super Bowl at the same time. Of course you heard - the fucking media was falling all over themselves to tell you. I fucking hate politically correct white America. Here is the problem - they are not being politically correct. They are being patronizing assholes.

It is fucking shameful that in my parent's lifetime that people in this country (the gretest country on earth) had to use a different drinking fountain. Are you kidding me? I will fucking punch every old person I see. Seriously old people WTF?

Well that all changed - and it is fantastic. Except now the media feels compelled to artificially insert race anywhere that they perceive it to be positive. Just fucking leave it alone. Perhaps this was the first year that 2 uncircumsized coaches made it to the Super Bowl. No one hit that angle - but it might be true. Maybe Barack Obama is the first guy with an apendectomy to be a major canidate in the presidential race. They don't report this - because that is not their agenda. Their agenda is to insult and entire race by reporting over and OVER each time someone from that race does something. Again this is patronizing and it drives a wedge deliniating *those* people from "us". If you want to track every African American achievement give them their own Guinness Book of World Records. Anything they haven't done (longest ski jumper) lets fucking get someone on it - get it in the books and fucking end this bullshit.

BL...African American

2007-02-27T08:24:00.000-05:00

I'm a simple country boy. I graduated 7th in my class - and still was not in the top 10% (do the math ... yeah less than 70 people). My school had about 800 students. [you] "Scott if there were 800 people and I "do the math" 800 / 4 = 200 - but you said that you had 69 people in your class. You're a fucking liar!" (Sorry I assumed you were mad enough to swear). Well there were 800 people - see my school was K-12... all in one building. Awesome.

So my town is this dot 30 miles from the nearest city (Rochester, NY). The racial mix at my school was slightly different than my current stomping ground, Cleveland (where it is roughly 50% white and 50% black).

My roommate in college (black guy) used to make fun of me. I would say stuff like, "It's all good." He would immediately say, "don't say that infront of anyone ever again - you sound like a tool." I tried to explain that growing up with 68 other white kids didn't bring a lot of spice to the mix and I was pretty bland. Actually my class wasn't 100% white - my old joke (if a racial joke that is totally light hearted and meant with no malice is going to offend you just stop reading this paragraph and move to the next one).... My old joke was - "if a race riot broke out at my school, we'd kick his ass."

I graduated with 1 black kid. *1*. Actually he was 1/4 black. So my background in things racially sensitive may be a bit weak. I use the term black to describe people that are of a certain skin tone. I don't use the term "African American" for 2 reasons.
(1) Some people who are black are not African. My coworker is Jamaican - so he is black. Not African American. It's a misnomer.
(2) Some people who are white *are* African. Yeah - they have white people there too. If one of those people hop on a plane and get citizenship - BAM! African American.

A lot of white people aren't comfortable saying black - so you'll get this. "Ray? Oh you mean Bill's BL...African American friend?" C'mon people. I agree we need to move on - treat skin color like eye color. Where sometimes you prefer people with blue eyes - but you don't lynch people with brown eyes. But society likes labelling people. There has been an evolution. N-word ... "Colored" ... "Black" ... "African American" (People of Color may be in there too). We are constantly trying to be more politically correct. Just treat people how you would want to be treated. Do I mind if a guy calls me "white"? No. So therefore I assume things are ok with black. Maybe not - maybe I am a racist, biggoted asshole. But I don't think so.

Read more in part 2 of my series (Black People). Intriguing huh? I'll write it when I f'ing feel like it. But this was all setup and part 2 is where I unload and get hella pissed.

First Person Shooter

2007-02-26T16:50:00.000-05:00

I am a computer gamer. I know - dorky - but true. One genre that I never really got into was First Person Shooters (FPS). These are the kind of games that make you kill everyone in your entire school. Anyway, the last time I played one of these was back in the 90's - "DOOM". Here is a link to some of the awesome graphics of the day - http://psychosaurus.com/doom/images/space1.jpg

I am sure the graphics for new games are better - but it is still the same deal - run around with a gun in front of you in "First Person" perspective and kill tons of monsters/aliens/Germans. Oh and open lots of crates. That is it.

I think a bold next step in this genre would be First Person Showerer. You select the avatar of your liking, "Let's see.... um I'll be Candi today." Then using state of the art "First Person" technology you strip down and shower.

This, to me, is a good time and has lots of replayability. Maybe I'll write to one of the game developers. I think this is gold - GOLD JERRY!

Fucking Democrats

2007-02-20T07:36:00.000-05:00

If Iraq is the "worst policy decision in US history" and I am Bush - I call the Dems on it. I hold a press conference and say that I am willing to fully withdraw from Iraq - but first they have to decide on one of these alternatives (which by their very definition is "less worse" than Iraq).

[Bush voice] - I am willing to reverse what the Democrats have titled 'the worst policy decision in US history.' Our troops will be immediately withdrawn and returned home. But I am going to need some help from the fine Democratic lawmakers in Congress. I would like them to choose one of the following options for our returning troops (a) All troops of Japanese descent will be immediately interned in camps. See what I am getting at here folks? The Dems think that the US decsion to intern it's own citizens was not as bad as our decision to go to Iraq. So the soldiers, law makers and citizens should embrace this better choice. (b) All African American soldiers will have to decide between returning to slavery or being test subjects at Tuskegee. Get it? Some how these travesties of inhumanity and cruelty are less worse than Iraq. But you the fucking press won't call your beloved goddammed Democrats on it. So I am! So decisde you worthless shitbag Democrats pick one of these things that is not as bad as Iraq, by your own admission - and I'll get right on it.

"Ring Tones"

2006-08-18T07:17:00.000-04:00

So I am "slammin' a Dew" (like the kids do) and I notice a contest where "1 in 3 gets a free ring tone" WTF? That is supposed to make me buy this? What makes me buy Mountain Dew is the hope that the caffine will help me survive another day in my job which is *seriously* pissing me off an totally hampering my blogging.

The kids get ring tones - and I think it is supposed to be so they can express themselves. My phone does not express me - it is a tool - like a fucking hammer. It exists for me to quickly convey information and then make people on the other end feel uncomfortable.

Wait - I kind of realized that my phone does represent me. It is cheap. Utilitarian. No frills. Functional, reliable. Oh and it has a huge cock.

HD porn

2006-07-30T20:04:00.000-04:00

So in case you haven't heard (I am sure you have) - I finished my own basement. Every stud, screw, outlet and light fixture. The crown jewel is the 80" HD projector. I *only* watch DVDs and HD - fuck standard definition.

Yesterday I watched some HD show called "Flight Dreams" or something. Well basically it was a beautiful set of IMAX caliber footage of planes flying over France. Lots of shots of cities and countryside. As much as the French suck it when it comes to politics and stopping Germany from taking them over, they do have a pretty country.

So the movie could have just been a documentary, "Here is such and such castle from the 15th century." Stuff like that. Instead of that they decided to wrap this all in a "plot". I swear some out of work porno writers had a hand in it. The script was awful. It was about some guy that had to do an airplane race - there was some love interest and some intrigue. It was dreadful. Just like a porno - no one was there for the plot. Just show me the "French Alps" (in an IMAX movie - or a porno) - not this contrived BS. Are we clear here, out of work porno writers? Enough.

$20 at Taco Bell

2006-07-07T08:26:00.000-04:00

So the other day John and I were in line at Taco Bell and I had a thought. Could I eat $20 of Taco Bell in one sitting. That is the challenge - you have to spend *at least* $20 and you can buy whatever food you want (no drinks) and then eat it all. I say not possible. I know you are thinking you could bang out a couple of Mexican Pizzas - but you still wouldn't make it.

Any takers? I might even fund it - just to see someone try. Maybe I'd go halvies with you.

Group Thinking

2006-04-18T21:58:00.000-04:00

When people stop thinking for themselves and start being controlled by a group - generally it's about to hit the fan. Today is 04/18/06 - right? No big deal, no global significance? Okay - in about a month and a half it will be 06/06/06. Right 666 - I am sure some cults and maybe even real religions will go crazy. Now realize that repeatedly since 1 A.D. the calendar has changed. Even in American history the calendar has changed quite a few times. Assuming that God/Satan will do something on 06/06/06 means that you have been diluded into believing that God/Satan recognize day light savings, leap years, time zones etc. I am just saying don't strap on any special shoes and drink the Koolaid. I mean fake like you are drinking and the let everyone else die - then take their stuff.

By far the biggest concentration of group think is the mass media. Basically they decide what the public should be discussing. U.S. Troops build a bridge, save a woman in Iraq from rape, repair a school, foil a plot to blow up a mosque - these are things you will never hear about. The media has no interest in you knowing these things. 12 children in Cleveland have been burned to death by arson in Cleveland since Natalie Holloway got wasted, decided to not stay with her friends and got killed. There have been more Natalie Holloway storys than Abu Grahab - but no national coverage to find the KILLER of 12 children in Cleveland.

The media tells us what to think and what to fear.
Mad Cow - this was the panacea. Beef is deadly - take that you fat American bastards! They were falling all over themselves to report this. There are still a few reports here and there on this.
West Nile - Death could be swooping out of the sky to kill your elderly parents - your infant children!! I think maybe 5 people have died from this ever. More people die every year tipping Coke machines over on themselves trying to get their Mr. Pibb out.
Lyme Disease - see above.
Bird Flu - God dammit they want it SOOOOOO bad. [media] - "Please God let there be a pandemic. Please please please! I want to 'risk my life' to cover the story. We can cover the 'Bush is directing the vaccine away from minorities angle.' Oh, please please please - I swear God we will report every chicken that is infected - we will have our intern lick an infected seagulls ass if we can get this to jump en masse to humans. Please this will be a great story!"

Crew

2006-03-22T23:19:00.000-05:00

I am not super athletic - I mean I am no John - but I am also not a super jock. In high school I made state qualifiers in swimming. I also went undefeated in tennis senior year (eat it bitches). But I also got cut from the soccer team and was worhtless in football. So somehow sophomore year of college my suite-mate convinced me to join the crew team. "Nah, if you're tall you pretty much are a lock." So I agreed. Okay - it seemed cool. I could be on a college team and just have to paddle.

Yeah we had to get up at 5am (or earlier) for practices, in Buffalo. 5am in Buffalo, even in the dead of summer, is still like 34 degrees. So my totally inflexible ass would strap into the boat and we'd row around during the wee hours of the morning. I would destroy my back *every* time.

I am currently in PT for my back. My physical therapist says that my back is shitty and my hamstrings are really tight. They always have been. These are places that you need to be limber in order to row on a crew team.

So here is my boat diagram. We raced in an 8 man boat. I am the big "X". I sat in the 8 position at the back of the boat. All of the big "O"s and I face bacwards and the little "x" cockswain (I am pretty sure that's how it is spelled) faces forward. Well that means I am face to face with this guy. His job is to be light and yell a lot. My job as the "8" man is to set the rowing pace for the boat.

Well as a bunch of rookies we were pretty impressive. There were about 10 of us - so guys would have to rotate in and out and when you were out you sat in the little motor boat with our coach. At some point someone said, "hey what do we do if we flip this thing?" (The danger is that your feet are in shoes - the shoes are bolted to the boat - so you can use them to push back and forth in the rowing motion. So you are strapped in (and life jackets really aren't part of the leaner meaner racing team). The coach said not only had he not flipped a boat but he'd never heard of a team doing it. My team did it - twice. Fortunately I was the only guy out of the 10 to never be in the flipped boat (based on rotation). Unfortunately, the first time it flipped we learned one guy couldn't swim - awesome!

So we train and I have to say we got to be all the way up to "below average" - but we came a long way to get there. We were entered into a race. The race was in Rochester (about an hour down the road) and it included 108 teams (you'll see how I know this in a minute). The way this race works is all 108 teams go down the river and get a time. Then team 1 goes head-to-head with team 2. So it is a pretty cool setup. Our coach tells us - "I've raced here before and it is hard to hear the finish pistol - so just look for the church." Okay - I'll keep an eye out for it.

So we go down the river to the start. We take off and we are racing!!! Things are going well. Greg, the little "x", is shouting shit to me like, "up 2 beats!!" "port 3 strokes hard!" We are in a groove and moving down river - I have the right pace set and we are feeling good about our performance thus far. Then both of my hamstrings simply fucking snap. Movement is excruciating. The well oiled machine keeps going - but I am fucking paralyzed. Oh, well no one tells 7 about this - so on his next stroke he drives his oar directly into my back which hasn't moved out of his way. Also, the lack of a port oar is forcing the boat to move left. At this point 7 has to shut down too. So we are basically dead weight - until I figure out I can stroke if I use only my back (I hear snapping and popping but tough through it).

At some point it is clear we are "done". There is no finish line. There is the pistol (we can't hear) and the "church". Well no one sees a fucking church. So we keep rowing. The water starts to get choppy - like it does pre-waterfall. A couple of the guys up front start yelling that we are done. The little "x" starts screaming, "keep rowing until we see a church you assholes - we're not done!!" This plays out a few more times until 1,2,3,4 all stop rowing. Little "x" is losing his fucking mind (picture a tiny Bill Cowher who just had a call not go his way). 5 and 6 stop and so do 7 and I. We are adrift. "x" is still going hypersonic when 1 and 3 start turning the boat around. 1-6 row us home and I just sit there in unbelievable pain.

We get back and our coach asks, "where the fuck did you guys go? You passed the finish about 15 minutes ago." 1 and 2 make a mental note to wedgie "x" later. "...and what was up with your stroke count - you looked awful." I explain that I am basically a parapeligic and want to be euthanised. He says, "well you have to suck it up - we are DFL." One of the guys goes, "dammit why are we disqualified??" "Not DQ'd you douche - DFL - dead fucking last. We are 108 out of 108. The only way to not end DFL is to go head-to-head against 107 and win. Oh, and Scott, since we only brought 8 guys, you have to row or we quit."

He proceeds to do some Miagi shit to my legs.

So we get our shit together and head down river. We are at the start lined up against #107. This is potentially the only bigger set of losers in the 108 x 8 rowers present. This race is shorter, we know where the finish is, and it is head-to-head, so there is a set of bouys that seperates your lane from theirs.

The starter pistol fires and we execute a flawless "race start" This is when you take really short strokes to get the boat up on the water and moving. We are neck and neck for the first 1/4 of the race. Then it happened. Both teams drift towards the bouys. Our port oars hit their starboard oars. This has the effect of minimizing the push from those sides of the boat and the outside of each boat is pushing harder - driving the boats closer together. (see diagram 2)

The awful sound of smashing oars can be heard over and over until the coxswains get involved. Now #107 has a fancy sound system so their little "x" starts screaming for his team to speed up. Our little "x" starts doing the same (without a mic and speakers). Then their little "x" turns to our coxswain and yells, "back down and let us through!!" "You fucking back down!!!" "Fuck off - back the fuck down!!" "Fuck you! Team up 4 beats." The inside oarmen are all but useless and the outside oarmen continue to drive the boats forward but also more together. We start reaching out and trying to fuck with their oars (awesome). More screaming occurs (realize at this point we are in a desolate portion of the river and no spectators can see us). Little "x" yells, "Race start!!!!" And we perform a race start, while at full go and 1/2 our oars almost totally ineffective. But the burst moves us slightly ahead and our 2 man can suddenly row. Well 2 is ex-marine and is a fucking machine. Our boat surges to life and suddenly 4 is in play. We are pulling slightly forward - but more importantly we are move laterally away. Little "x" is still MFing the shit out of their little "x" but is starting to smile and the entire team is starting to row. Just and we break free - I "miss the water" with a stoke. This is when you don't drop the oar all the way into the water. I just barely caught the edge of the oar on the surface of the water. Well this threw a fantastically huge wave of water over the other boat. It was great. Their little "x" (who was hooked to their sound system) was easily heard making various comments about my mother. Well, my mother doesn't put out for guys who are DFL - and that's what you chumps are about to be D mother F'in L!!! Go UB Crew!!!!

Stuff

2006-03-22T06:22:00.000-05:00

Okay - I have all of these cool ideas for posts - my issue is that I never have time. So instead of doing a shitty job on one of my good ideas I just do nothing. So I guess I will put some filler out here - so that no one delists me or anything.

Catsup - No I need to know what the fuck and I need to know now! Who uses this word - where did it come from? If I knew someone who willing used this word I would fucking stab them. The word is ketchup. Oh and the only brand of ketchup is Heinz. If you serve something else throw it out - your friends hate you.

TeleMundo - I am a simple country boy and shiny objects fascinate me. I was flipping channels last night and TeleMundo again managed to amaze me. Imagine the hottest Latino woman you can, with a low cut shirt under a business jacket and skirt. Yeah - that was the weather lady on TeleMundo!!! I totally got a semi from the weather lady.

Debra Lafave - This is a big story in the news. A 25 year old teacher (female - oh an retardedly hot) had sex with her 14 year old (male) student. She's going to walk - and there is a flap about "double standard". Yes there is a double standard a 25 year old guy that has sex with a 14 girl should be put in prison for life and gang raped regularly. In this case they should give the kid a medal and a book deal for his "how to" book. Because holy shit I wish I knew how to pull that shit off - I wanted to have sex with about 96% of my female teachers (and 100% of the males).

Poop2

2006-03-09T17:22:00.000-05:00

The building I work in is old, in a big city and surrounded by alleys that people use as a toilet. So needless to say it smells frequently. Typically the stank season starts in late March - but due to global warming stank season starts earlier each year!!

The fun part about rank-ass smell is talking about it. John and I have a sport where we try to describe the smell - here is a trascript of an actual conversation.

[I walk into our company's computer room. The sewer smell is so bad it's like someone smacked me in the face. I decide to call John and tell him.]

J - yeah
S - yeah
S - Dude, the server room reaks (reeks, wreeks?)
J - bad?
S - It's like your family went on vacation for the week and your prankster friend shit in a microwave safe bowl - put it in the microwave and set it to run for 99 hours.
J - Then another neighbor came buy and saw the fire and pissed on it to put it out. Then ate it - then puked it up.
S - Then you come home and smell that.
J - Right.
S - Nice.
S - Alright. [hangs up]

Poop

2006-03-09T05:34:00.000-05:00

"Hey we're going to go ahead and have a working lunch so we can plow through this stuff. Don't worry - lunch will be provided." Fuck you - I fucking hate you.
(1) Don't take my 1 hour of happiness away
(2) Why would you order a lunch and not get the cookies - that is the only good part
(3) Yes I am sure some meal will be delivered - but that is not why I go to lunch - unless John and Sarah are on that cart - well then you basically just screwed me.
(4) Yeah - this is my 3rd cookie - why don't you F off.

Working lunches are the worst.

Animal Testing

2006-03-03T23:06:00.000-05:00

Have you heard of this? Animal testing? They take eye shadow and shove it into the eyes of some unsuspecting rabbit. This burns and irritates the rabbit's eyes. I know this for a fact because the other day I was shampooing and I looked up and a *massive* blob of shampoo went into my eye. I was M F'ing up and down - I was squeeling like a little girl. Holy f'ing shit it hurt.

The pain is why I am so pissed off about animal testing. I mean what the fuck - was my rabbit asleep at the switch? What the hell is your point of you don't thump your lucky foot and let them know the Pantene fucking burns? God dammit you are useless to me rabbit.

I have a question

2006-02-22T06:26:00.000-05:00

I am finishing my basement. Ever tile, every stud, every piece of drywall I put up with my own hands. So I am totally the f'ing man. Maybe some day I'll post pictures - but probably not - let's face it I am pretty lazy. Here is where the question comes in. On Monday night I was adding a heat duct to the family room. So I drill into the main heat duct for my house - cut a 6" hole with tin snips in the *main heat duct* of my house. This is not the kind of thing you can hit "Ctrl-z" and undo. Anyway, I connect the main dust to a new 6" duct - hook it to the vent on the ceiling ("i" before "e".... - ah who gives a fuck). So its 11:30pm (on a school night) and I am surrounded by pieces of ductwork, pieces of aluminum tape, my drill, tin snips, a pair of leather working gloves and my trusty razor blade. The vent is in and works like a fucking champ (oh and looks awesome). So I'm the man - right? Well I realize I am listening to a Billy Joel CD. (Not like the "Piano Man" or something quasi-manly) but stuff from River of Dreams - which is all sappy love stuff. So here is my question - am I gay?

Thank you.

2006-02-16T09:46:00.000-05:00

Here's the deal - I am in a support role at work. I fix things for people or help them in various ways. My life goal is to get every single Email out of my Inbox by addressing the issue and then removing the message. I like to watch the count go down as a I address more and more issues throughout the day. When I do something for someone I generally write them a short Email "This is fixed", "I addressed this issue by deleting that file" etc. Then I get rid of their request from my Inbox - hooray for me 1 message closer to nirvana.

But sometimes the people write back, "Thank you". NO! Do not thank me! The way you can thank me is by not littering my fucking Inbox with worthless Emails thanking me. My reward is never hearing from you again - ever! Please don't thank me. Deleting your message was all the reward I needed.

ERrrrr.......

2006-02-15T11:15:00.000-05:00

"Tonight - on an all new "ER" - the ER erupts!! [shouting] A disaster that no one could have predicted - and no one was prepared for..."

God "ER" sucks. Does anyone watch this show anymore? I swear they have to keep one-upping themselves to the point where it is ridiculous. They had like a helicopter hit the ER - then a plane then a jet... "No one in the ER is prepared when Mars is pulled into the earths gravity well and smashes into the ER. [Kovac shouting] 'We've got casualties --- both Martian and American!! I need 2 units of O-negative STAT!! - oh and Kendra - the baby is mine and I do love you!"

In college (9 years ago - when this show didn't totally suck a bag) I used to watch it. It was awesome because my Roomate's parents were from India. His dad was a doctor. So one time we are discussing "ER" (you have to imagine this in a thick Indian accent for it to be awesome). "This show is ridiculous. Every man that comes through the door - they give him O-negative!! You don't just give every man O-negative [he is speaking excitedly with a thick accent - it is awesome] It is ridiculous - we don't behave like that! You type his blood - you don't just give him O-neg. You give him a Cherry Icee. [dammit - that was my racist side implying that all Indians work at convenience stores]"

Okay - bottom line "ER" sucks it.

Blue Tooth

2006-02-08T08:23:00.000-05:00

If you wear one of those Blue Tooth enabled ear pieces - you look like a complete moron. *Everyone* thinks you look like a totally self-important asshole. You think you look cool and connected and important. But you look like a complete douche. Trust me - you look like an asshole. Especially if you are not talking on it - it is just hanging out in your ear. You look like this guy from Star Wars. Now this guy might be getting laid on Cloud City - but trust me - you will not be. Please for the love of God take that stupid piece of shit out of your ear (unless you are in a car or taking enemy fire)

Conspicuous consumption

2006-02-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

Nothing on earth pisses me off more than conspicuous consumption (cc). I think it is the most pointless, selfish, self destructive behavior in man. "I can't afford to raise my kids - but I am going to buy a Navigator." Spending outside your means is stupid - but doing so for the "benefit" of others is retarded.

Here is a simple test. Your car has wrappers and junk inside - and is also dirty on the outside. You only have time to clean the inside or go to the car wash - not both - which do you do? If you clean the outside you may be headed down the path of caring more about what other people think about you than your own safety/comfort. I couldn't give a shit about washing my car - EVER! It is retarded - what the fuck is the point? I don't give a flying fuck what people think about me, my car or its external cleanliness. I want a car that I fit in and has AM/FM/CD and AC. I don't need any "bling" - Jesus H Christ - the word "bling" exists because cc is so fucking rampant that we need an easy way to describe some absolutely ridiculous shit that you don't need. A $6 purse from WalMart will hold your lipstick, money and tampons - WHY IN THE HELL would you buy essentially the same thing, but with some fucking guy's initials on it for $400?? Why? What the fuck is wrong with society? If my wife comes home with a Lois Viton (I won't even bother to look up how to spell that) hand bag. I will do 2 things (1) Punch her directly in the face (2) return it.

When you buy something the last thing you should think is, "what will **** think of this." You misguided douche - you should buy the thing that fits, tastes, drives the best [period]. Buying shit you can't afford to impress other people is stupid and you can confirm this stupidity by looking at your credit card bill.

If cc didn't exist kids could focus on learning and saving money - not wasting everything to impress the other uneducated assholes around them. If you have a mortgage, child support, alimony, credit card debt you should NOT be in a Navigator - you can't fucking afford it! Do you get that? You live pay check to pay check so that your buddies will think you have a nice ride. Then they go buy a better one and then someone else buys a better one - you all can't afford it - but you keep one upping each other until someone has to be broke or break the law to keep up.

Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking assholes. God dammit cc pisses me off so bad. I have never written about it - because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to capture in words how fucking stupid I think it is. If you ever see me in person you will know cc is not my deal. I drive a functioning, but not very clean car, I live in a house that every square inch is useable (no weird peaks or points to make it look bigger - but not actually provide living space). My clothes are adequate to cover me but have no designer names (or signs of ironing). My kids clothes and shoes are mostly from garage sales - or the bargain bin. WHY - Why the fuck would you spend more than $5 on kids shoes?? They outgrow them and get them dirty immediately. Why would you pay any more than $5 for them - you misguided cc fools. I get my hair cut at Best Cuts - whenever I get around to it. My TV, stereo, computers were all bought when I needed them to suit my purposes and fit my lifestyle.

This went from angry into some weird sort of self-affirmation. Anyway cc is so fucking stupid that I can't stand it - that is the point.

My Definition

2006-01-30T10:24:00.000-05:00

Generally I like to think I am clever. The other day I came up with 2 things.

(1) If your surname is Einstein that is a lot of pressure. The bar is probably set pretty high for you.

(2) I have seen definitions of Liberal and Conservative - but I have come up with my own - (this is where I think I am being clever)

Conservatives
Conservatives believe that you can make it on your own. If you can't, life will become increasingly difficult.

Liberals
Liberals believe that you can't make it on your own. If you can, life will become increasingly difficult.

Anal floss

2006-01-20T15:53:00.000-05:00

God... It's Scott - please give me the strength to not jam on my brakes and kill this fucking useless tailgating dick licker behind me.

Holy mother fucking christ tailgaters piss me off. They get up your ass like a wedgie and they won't go away. Oh - now you will be to work 1-2 seconds earlier - great. My favorite is when its a truck - or anything tall. Then you get the headlights right in the eyes - nice. The other possibility is some hillbilly fuck with his high beams on - not tailgating but essentially firing enough lumens at you to Xray parts of your body.

The high beam from behind trick is a tough one to beat - but there is a way. When I was little this shit would occur and my dad would say, "Mitz" (this is what everyone calls my mom - yes including you John so we can avoid the "I banged Mitz" comments). My mom would magically spring into aciton. Like the laser targeting system on the SDI (Star Wars Satellite) she would grab the rear view mirror (and perform some Eisteinien level trig.) within .0042 seconds my mom would refocus the beam back on the hillbilly's eyes. The car behind us would always swerve momentarilly and then the high beams would go off. It was basically the coolest thing I've ever seen. F you high beam M'Fer

I lost my job....

2006-01-17T10:32:00.000-05:00

So I was fired this morning. See since the all of the finger pointing etc. after Katrina - The mayor's office decided that they needed someone to cut through the shit and perhaps use some edgy language. So I was hired as Ray Nagin's speech writer. Things were going really well - we totally kicked ass at a WalMart reopening. Anyway - I wrote a new speech that I thought was going to rock it "I have a dream"-style. Well anyway, it wasn't that well received and I took all of the blame.

In case you are too lazy to follow the link Ray Nagin, the mayor of a major US city, went totally fucking insane. He said that God was throwing hurricanes at the US because we went to war under false pretenses in Iraq. Okay (1) God is fake. (2) If God is real -please step away from the lightning strike coming my way. (3) Okay - if we went under false pretenses I *think* a power of God would be to know this before he was told 2 years later by the US media. So why wouldn't he destroy New Orleans 2 years ago? And what were all of the hurricanes before this year for? Testing the arsenal?

Oh and Ray said that New Orleans would come back and be a "chocolate New Orleans" or some other retarded shit. Someone please fire him. I realize the "what if a white guy said stuff like this?" is too obvious - so I'll skip it.

Way to honor the memory of a great man who fought for inclusion and harmony.

Douche.

Tax Return!!! (I miss Derek)

2006-01-11T15:19:00.000-05:00

Woohooo!! I am hoping for a big tax return this year - I mean that would be awesome to think that the government has been holding my money, interest free for 1 full year. Thanks government - can I have it back please? Oh just fill out this form? Oh, if I make a mistake (trying to get back my money) then you can put me in jail? Awesome - I'm in. John this is better than Party Poker!

Oh, hey - If you voted for John Kerry please write something on your 1040 that says, "Government please keep the portion of my taxes that are part of the Bush tax cut, see my guy lost - but I don't want to be a sore loser. I know that you can do more good with my money than I can so I'd appreciate it if you kept it."

Do you see how fucking retarded that sounds? You won't do it - hypocrite. I know you think that the tax cuts were bad - but only for Bush's super rich buddies, "they" have money - "they" should pay the government more. Just for the fact that you are sitting at a computer means you have more money than 1/2 the country. So you are "super rich" to them. So again - unless you want to be a morally conflicted hypocrite please leave that money with the government - they will redistribute it intelligently.

Test Drive

2006-01-09T15:00:00.000-05:00

So over in my links area - I added a new section for blogs that I am trying out. There is currently 1 blog - but I hope to find some more (or maybe not - I'm lazy). Anyway - this blog is totally awesome. His "Fan Appreciation" post rivals an invention you'd find over at Shop Dungarees. Check it yo.... or something like that.

New Years ReVolution

2006-01-04T11:50:00.000-05:00

Right - no resolutions - I am starting the revolution. First a mini tangent. 2005 seemed exactly the same length as 2004, 2003, 2002. Yes I *can* fucking believe it - no it did not fly by - so shut that shit up right now. "Oh this year flew by - can you believe it?" Fuck you!

Okay - on to my revolution. I decided to take the staple "lose weight" resolution. I looked on some web site and found out my BMI (Body Mass Index). So this thing says I am fat. According to this thing I need to lose 38 lbs to be "Normal Weight". I am sorry if I offend anyone - but FUCK THAT! 38 lbs? Are you effing serious? Okay - so that shit ain't gonna happen. I decided to go with plan (b). According to this thing if I was 6'11" (and kept my current weight I'd be Normal). Now we're talking. I can do this. I am going to need your support - but I am hoping to gain 7" this year. It is going to take determination - but I think I can do it.

Please wish me luck and give me your support and as I attempt to cheat myself out of being a fat boy.

Hola!!

2006-01-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

Over the holidays I spent some time at the "in-laws". My mother-in-law has "cable" but it is some bullshit watered down version (missing most of the stuff I like). The first problem was that at 9pm - I flipped through the channels and there were exactly zero channels showing Law and Order!! Is that even possible? I mean Law and Order is *always* on TBS, USA or TNT - ALWAYS! I would have even slummed it and watched "Law and Order Criminal Intent" (which sucks compared to the original and SVU). SVU has Mariska Hargitay - is it possible for her to be hotter? No it isn't.

Okay - so I flip around the stations. She gets whatever station has the financial advice guy that yells at you - what is that guy's deal?

I make about 6 circuits around the horn. She gets channels 2-9, 16-22, 23-25 are all covered in static, 67-72, 98-99 total static. I just keep flipping hoping a good show will be on. She also gets the golf channel. Great that just fucked away about 10% of the available stations. The hunting channel.... ugh.

Finally I see something familiar. "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey" - This is the heartwarming tale of 2 dogs and a cat that brave the wilderness to get back to their owners. I think I have mentioned this before - but this movie makes me cry every time. However, there was a twist this time - it was on Telemundo! Yep, Spanish! Oh here's the kicker - it was still the best thing on. It was the end (the part that makes me cry - it still worked - even in Spanish).

As soon as it ended I realized this was the first time *ever* that I had flipped past Telemundo and not seen some ridiculously hot woman. Telemundo must translate roughly to "24 hour Spanish Soap Opera channel in which the women all have huge racks" Anyone else seen this phenomenon?

Letter to the Intelligent Designer

2005-12-14T16:15:00.000-05:00

Read my previous post to understand my sudden flip-flop on the whole religion thing. Since I now believe in the Intelligent Designer (and I know he must be super pumped to have me in the "believer" column) I bet he reads my blog now. So I want to have a open letter to the Designer.

Dear Designer,

What the fuck were you thinking? You call this an "intelligent" design? I have so many complaints I don't know where to start. I'll try to catergorize
(1) Useless stuff
Appendix, male nipples, tonsils, foreskin? I had half this shit chopped off - nice work focusing on that crap when you could have been designing a way to store the testicles *inside* where they weren't dangling, like a target, for every obsticle on earth. I can't be sure ear wax is your fault - but you better hope I don't find out that it is. Also, random hair coming out or arm pits, chest wherever - explain the intelligence there!

(2) Poorly made
If you were the General Contractor on my house - I'd sue your ass off. What is the f'ing deal with knees? Could that design possibly be shittier? Even highly trained atheletes are blowing ACLs left and right. Oh - nice work on the eyes too - only like 60% of people need glasses - good Q/A work there. Oh I throw my back out about twice a year - kudos on that one too.

(3) Square peg - round hole
Okay, if some intelligence was applied I have a question. Why allow something into the front end of the digestive system (mouth) that can get lodged at the next step. Oh and here's the kicker - due to some fucking unionized, corner cutting angels - there is *1* tube for food AND air. That's right - block that one and you're dead!! You couldn't have lay a second tube in there? Oh and here's another design gem - it is possible for digested "waste" to be bigger than the exit door! that's right - I mean it is going to come out - we just aren't going to like it. Why not make the digestive system with a small hole at the top and a bigger one (with a control mechanism) at the bottom. Then there is no choking hazard - or ass tearing hazard. Speaking of tearing - my kid was almost 11lbs! Um.... I'd go back to the drawing board on the birth canal.

(4) Positive reinforcement
I don't want you to go away thinking I hate everything. Belly buttons are cool (and really sexy on women). Nice work on female breasts. The penis is pretty utilitarian - I like mine. Farting is actually pretty cool - I am not sure if you built that in - or if it was a happy accident - but man you guys must have shit yourself the first time you heard one. I wonder if you tested various sounds. I'd love to see the "fart design outtake reel" - priceless.

Peace out!

KBoE convinces me otherwise

2005-12-13T11:00:00.000-05:00

Okay I am an atheiest - it works pretty well for me. I mean I get to eat while other people pray, I sleep in on Sundays... I mean I risk eternal damnation - but I never miss the opening kickoff - so it's cool.

BUT - I may be changing my tune. You see the "Kansas Board of Education" (KBoE) is pushing for Creationism to be added to curriculum (see Darwinism is a "theory" so they seek to educate kids by having alternate "theories"). Well the KBoE is a pretty awesome group - their previous hits include "Brown vs Board of Education" (yep the KBoE). See the KBoE was actively fighting in the 50's (all the way to the Supreme Court) to keep blacks out of white schools! Yes, any group that is this forward thinking and embraces the teachings of Jesus (like hate "the blacks") must clearly know of God and I am listening to what they have to say.

So using my "ignorant, racist, biggoted assholes said so" proof above - I now accept intelligent design. So - armed with my knew knowledge - I am prepared to take the next step. I will save it for my next post - (because writing or read a lot of words makes my head hurt - that's right Virgil - lets tone it down).

beeeeeep squwaaaak!

2005-12-13T10:57:00.000-05:00

Why is it if someone has their Cell#, Work# and FAX# number on their business card I *always* manage to call the FAX number by accident? I am expecting "Hi, this is John." But I get BEEEEP SQUWAAAAK!

BOMB!

2005-12-08T11:33:00.000-05:00

If you yell, "I have a bomb" or "Bomb!" on a plane you should be shot dead. I think the outcome was 100% perfect yesterday. Be crazy = get dead. I like that message.

Here is a call that I bet took place yesterday :

[woman] Reverend Sharpton's office?
[man] I'd like to speak to the Reverend please
[woman] May I ask who is calling?
[man] This is Jesse Jackson, sugar.
[woman] I'll put you through
[Al] Jesse old boy what's up?
[Jesse] We must have a strategy - to deal with the tragedy!
[Al] What tragedy?
[Jesse] the "man" killing anyone he can
[Al] Are you talking about the airport thing?
[Jesse] Innocent lives cannot be stolen from wives!
[Al] huh?
[Jesse] I won't stand by while we are cut down in an American town!
[Al] bu....
[Jesse] Our people are not expendible each life has worth - I won't let the "man" kill us with mirth!
[Al] Jesse...
[Jesse] You can't kill our brothers - without outrage from our mothers!!
[Al] Jesse!!!
[Jesse] Each life is precious and...
[Al] JESSE!!! The guy, that got shot, yeah he wasn't black.
[Jesse] Oh
[Al] right - "oh"
[Jesse] So our work is done here - I mean who gives a shit about other people of color. Okay I'll tell my private jet to stand down, cancel my helicopter flight, and the 12 buses I rented to bring in protestors
[Al] I already cancelled mine
[Jesse] Peace out
[Al] latest.

Fuck you John

2005-12-06T14:48:00.000-05:00

It's pronounced "coopon" - not "Q-pon". God you are gay.

Feel free to give your coupon related opinion (but if you say Q-pon - you are gay).

I'm back

2005-12-06T11:04:00.000-05:00

Urban Princess Sarah woke me from my long slumber and I am awake and ready to be pissed about stuff. For the past few weeks the only thing pissing me off has been the amount of work I have had to do. Complaining about work is easy and not worthy of my talents - so I went silent.

I finally watched CSI (you know the #1 show in America since Friend's went off the air) and God dammit - it was terrible. I had seen CSI Miami (also terrible) once - but assumed that the Las Vegas one was better. Holy shit it was bad. I won't go into details of the case - but some dude offs his mail-order-bride and buries her. He gets another one (I would too) and gives her the same necklace from his deceased M-O-B. It is 2 years later and the CSI team tests the necklace and finds the dead chick's blood on it. TWO F'ING YEARS!! Does this new chick not shower ever? If I had blood, someone else's blood, near me for 2 seconds - I'd lose it - this chick hands it on her skanky neck for 2 years.

"The Office" - is the best show ever - watch it.

The chick from "OverStock.com" commercials is so MILF-a-licious it is crazy. Man I want her.

Okay - I want to start slow and steady. This is a marathon - not a sprint. I think I have enough to call it a day.

Crotching Tiger Hidden Dragon

2005-11-04T20:44:00.000-05:00

First a little business to attend to :
(1) I finally have a chance to post - so I hope the was worth the 3 week wait.
(2) I added the challenge word so the blog spammers can fucking eat a cock!

Okay - sometimes I like to be informative. So I'd like to let the women out there know a few things. It is way easier to hit a toilet from point blank range than from about 3 feet in the air. For women it is like shooting fish in a barrel - they just sit down and no aiming is required - they just "go". For guys we have to actually aim our implement towards the toilet to get the desired results.

Sounds simple - right? Well there are many factors - not windage or anything like that - no more subtle issues. Sometimes the implement can be aimed in one direction and the stream will go in some other direction - it just happens like that. So you have to make a quick course correction. If you have to pee at night it's worse. You have to use some kind of urine ricochet sonar to determine where the stream is in the bowl. So depending on the sound of the ricochet you might have to change your aim. Even worse is the "split stream" (yeah contend with that women). That's right - one implement and magically 2 streams based on your height, angloe of attack and direction of the streams it might not even be possible to get them both on target.

So next time you go to sit down an "the seat is up" and you whine and cry (who the fuck doesn't look before they sit down? There could be a fucking pit viper in there or something) just remember all of the work we guys have to do.

Hi, Scott can't answer his blog right now

2005-10-21T16:52:00.000-04:00

Please leave a message and he will get back to you when he gets his shit back in order enough to write blog messages......

Ultimate Slow Chargers

2005-10-12T12:50:00.000-04:00

Okay - I just tried to use "search this blog" to find something I had written about "hard chargers". Hard Chargers are the people that dive into the elevator the nano-second the doors open - they will run you over as you try to get out - they are moronic fuckwits. Anyway, I searched for "charger", then "hard" then "hard charger" - all of them had no results. So to make sure it was working I searched for "fuck" (that should have generated about 600 hits). Again zero - either I am a dumb ass user or its busted. Anyway - the definition of hard charger is above. You would think that the opposite of a hard charger would be a soft charger - but it's a slow charger (I am not sure why). A slow charger is someone that is so god damn indecisive that they miss their floor etc.

So at my office there is a bank of 3 elevators. At any given time there are usually 2 working. But today we are down to 1 elevator (the other 2 are broken or sleeping or something). So after lunch there is a huge queue of people waiting to go UP in the elevator. *Everyone* knows that we have one elevator - so fortunately the first 15 people pack into the elevator (after 15 people filed out).

I am now 3rd in line. I am behind 2 Asian women (I am not sure which denomination of Asian they are - but they are speaking that language). There is still a big queue behind me - and we are all waiting for the elevator which is taking *forever*. (Note there are no stairs - other than emergency stairs - so this is the only option). *Finally* the elevator arrives. About 15 people pile out and have to weave through the 15 people waiting to get on. The 15th person gets out and the 2 Asian girls move so slowly that... THE FUCKING DOORS CLOSE!! I am not kidding - with about 6 inches of daylight they both panic - one of them contimplates sticking an arm in there - and in the worst relfex move I have **EVER** seen the other girl attempts to find and hit the UP button. The doors close and the elevator heads off for another 10 minute round trip. Everyone is totally pissed. I say (loudly), "That did not go well." The girl behind me goes, "If I wasn't holding soup I would have dove in there." Holy shit slow chargers - I will kill you.

My morning blow

2005-10-10T11:19:00.000-04:00

I have "admitted" (like it is a bad thing) that I don't wash my legs in the shower. I mean they don't get dirty - soap and water sort of runs by them - that has to take care of an miniscule amount of funk that they might produce.

Well at lunch we were talking about showers or something and I said - "Hey I blow my nose in the shower." Somehow I expected everyone to chime in and say - well duh of course - who doesn't. That is not what happened. I think Derek and Sarah almost puked.

What's the deal? You build up snot all night then get in the shower. It is moist, steamy and humid in there and everything loosens up. So I just farmer blow it. What do "normal" people do? Get out of the shower - neatly fold a Kleenex and blow their nose? Because I know what you are going to get - a soggy fucking mess. Your hand is wet and the second you touch the Kleenex it is going to disinigrate. I need some feedback here. I mean there is a fucking drain and soap so I can come out of this whole affair pretty clean.

0-1

2005-10-03T21:16:00.000-04:00

In February John wrote a post titled simply "14-0". The numbers are a reference to John's amazing ability to "wait out" the competition in the men's room. "Waiting them out" consists of sitting in your stall until the other guy leaves. See - guys don't want to know other guys use the bathroom. We know other guys must use it - but we'd prefer to never see each other entering or exiting a stall. So we generally try to treat the stalls like an airlock - only one door can be opened at any time. So those are the basic ground rules.

Fast forward to today. There are "bad times" to use the bathroom at work. (1) first thing in the morning (2) right after lunch. At both times people just ate and just got back from somewhere - so lots of crowds. (oh this is also when the cleaning lady decides it is a good time to clean). There is never a "good time" to go - but noon at bad. Most people are out to lunch. So today I make my way in there at noon. I head for stall #3 - it is the farthest from the door. I won't go into details on why #3 is the best - wait of course I will. #1 is the big stall - I am not going in there. #2 is the middle - that pretty much guarantees a neighbor. So #3 is it. But #3 is a bit "suspect today" - unidentfied fluids on the seat. Too much for a seat cover to protect me from. So I move to seat #2 - I figure at noon it was safe. I was wrong. As enter the stall the bathroom door opens. I am 6'4" so I have to duck - to not be seen. I know all guys want to avoid each other so I figure that is this guys agenda too.

He heads for #3 - ananimity still intact. Then I hear, what can only be described as a brief scuffle. The guys is in there alone - but scuffle covers it. What happens next starts this winding tale. The dude drops his ID badge - it slides NAME UP into my stall. It is about 6" over the border - he quickly grabs it - but I've got name rank and serial number on this guy. I realize the embarrassment has gone up a notch and decide to pull a John (no not wank it - I mean wait him out). I've got a pager there are News stories and Sports scores - lots of good things. bddrk rip(this is the noise the toilet paper roll makes - this is important). bddrk rip bddrk rip. Flush. Okay - that was pretty quick and painless. I figure this guys is done and my waiting wasn't bad.

bddrk rip... what? Oh, maybe he had to blow his nose or something. #1 gets occupied. Well now I have a situation - multiple hostiles in flanking positions. bddrk rip... I can see his foot - he is still sitting - so flush #1 was some kind of courtesy flush. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip... I decide I have to communicate with the outside world so I page john to tell him about the epic battle and that I have no clue what is happening next to me. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip - sending the page makes me almost laugh outloud. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip ... In my head I am screaming "what is going on here?" (Joe Schmoe style). I for real am not kidding - this spin and rip has happened a minimum of 30 times when I decide to start counting. bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip ... I need to decide - do I move out? #1 flushes and leaves - almost want to burst out and catch #1 - and say, "wtf is going on in there with #3???". bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip... I am going to start laughing or frreak out - it is like Chinese water torture - I am trying to determine where this voilume of paper could be going?? bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip (I am at 62 - assuming that we were at 30 when I started counting).

I am out of here. I take special care make no noise as I get paper (so it is possible). bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip bddrk rip... I stand and flush. So does he!!! We exit at the same the same time!!!! I see the guy (I already knew who it was because of the badge incident). I make no eye contact and I get the hell out. I take a quick look as I leave to see if his pockets are overflowing with paper - where did it all go???

Start Walking

2005-09-23T08:52:00.000-04:00

I read John's blog post (awesome) and then followed a link to Michael Moore's web site. He has an article that talks about people that "can't make it out of Houston". Each person is intentionally quoted in broken English (to be totally sure we get the fact that they are a minority). In one part the girl actually says, "We're from Mexico."

Okay Michael, ok Associated Press - if you have a fucking agenda just get to it. "We are interviewing a poor hispanic woman that George Bush wants to die - let's see what she has to say." God dammit. Okay, people "can't get out". I will say that for Katrina there were some people that couldn't get out (like the people that died in the Nursing Home). But that shit *just* happened. If you choices are to die riding out a Category 4 Hurricane - or suffer by walking, hobbling, rolling, crawling out of the city well... get to steppin'.

If your ancestors/brothers/cousins/you **walked** here from Mexico - clearly it is possible to cover some territory. Get moving. Oh, and Associated Press - if you have a fucking reporter talking to a fuckin person who can't fucking "get out" put them in your fucking van and get them the fuck out if you are so fucking concerned about it. [fuck count = 8]

I don't understand religion (part 1)

2005-09-21T15:12:00.000-04:00

I'm not what you'd consider religious. It's not that I don't like religion, it's just that I don't like watching people I don't know shove religion in my face. There is truly nothing in the world more annoying to me with the possible exception of browsing the bargain rack at JC Penney's with my wife.

I would gladly trade my 14 prayer channels for one music video channel that actually played music videos. I would consider it a good trade even if all they played was Tony Basil's "Mickey Mickey" video over and over, 24 hours a day. I think I have inherited some anti-religion recessive gene from my mother's side.

I don't practice Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Shinto or any other religion. I know very little about any of these, and know less about the people that practice them. I am fine with that. I will admit that I actually understand the rules to Judaism. In fact, I've been to a Jewish wedding.

When it comes to Christianity, however, I am completely clueless. I've somehow managed to reach middle age without having the slightest idea what is going on. The rules just confuse the hell out of me.

I went to mass once to see if I could get some free wine, but I guess I was too early or too late because it wasn't served. I stared at the priest for a while to see if I could figure out which one it was -- early or late -- but after about 30 seconds, I gave up. He said something about some guy and his brother or something having the most sheep. I'm not completely sure what he meant by that, but I think it has something to with how many times the brothers had sinned. Let me give you an example of the depth of my Christian knowledge.

Here is what I know: In Cathocism, unlike Protestantism, there is usually a set amount of standing and sitting in each mass. I only know this from my limited vistis to each church. I don't have to stand and sit as many times at Protestant mass as I sometimes do for Catholic mass, which can apparently go on forever in total disregard for any and all previously scheduled programming. I know there are other Christian sects.

That's it.

So assume for a moment that I am sitting at home on a sunday, and I turn on the television. For some strange reason, as I'm flipping channels, I actually notice that there is a church show on.

I watch the screen carefully.

After a few minutes, I am able to discern that they are speaking English (sometimes). I watch the television for a few minutes more.

I see some guy in a red shirt light a candle, and the guy in white talks about how people in the world should stop trying to kill each other for a second. Then one guy screams some stuff, someone faints, and they repeat the process.

Strategically speaking, I can make more sense out of the battle scenes in the Lord of the Rings movies than I can about what is going on in a church.

The worst thing about this is that I fall flat on my face in casual religion conversations. I started out attempting to learn just enough about any sect to be able to fake it for a few minutes, but that was too painful, so now I just admit my weakness. If someone says "What do you think about Catholic Doctrine?" I usually say, "Um, that's [Christianity/church/about gays/about priests], right?" Followed by a weak laugh. I've stopped getting invited to church and mass. I don't have any idea why people go so mad in march, or exactly what it is they are mad for. I still get the occasional pity invite from my friend Jeff, but he doesn't really understand the depth of my aversion.

Put it this way -- I actually hate the sound of an exangelist coming out of a TV. Any TV. It is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. When my personal television is the one in question, it's almost as if it's been defiled. After Jeff leaves my house on Easterg, I feel compelled to get the Lysol out and scrub the church residue off the screen.

On the other hand, I have much more free time than the average joe. I have time to play video games, finish my basement, fix things and screw around with things like these here blogs.

Anyway, whatever religion you like, I hope it gets you to heaven, because that is the only reason I could think of to even care who is right.

Thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure my religion deficiency is the major reason my wife married me. I'll have to bring that up someday when I'm bored out of my skull in JC Penny's. I'll let you know how it goes.

Lesbian Inseminator

2005-09-19T16:33:00.000-04:00

So at work I had an Intern (he went back to school today)- and it was totally awesome - I highly recommend them. I have heard some people say, "Excuse me - I couldn't help but overhear you were considering getting an intern. That is a terrible idea - if you have a few minutes I can tell you why. They make faces that are innappropriate in society. And they fling their poop at people in a festive manner!" Those are the reasons I want an intern!! I miss Derek - he has been gone one day - but he was awesome to work with.

One of our last converstations happened at a bar. He was belting out some Melissa Ethridge (as it played on the radio). I knew she was a lesbian but forgot how she got knocked up. Apparently, David Crosby did the work. I assumed that he delivered the payload in the standard fashion - but their was speculation about a sample cup and some other "funny business". At this point I make a suggestion - the best career advice a boss can give to his intern. "You should become a lesbian inseminator." How awesome is that job? No nagging - no judging your package (it is bigger than what they are used to). You get to bang chicks non-stop and don't have to buy them dinner. Man this is fantastic. I might quit my job and do it. God speed Derek - I hope this letter finds you and finds you well my friend (by well I mean banging totally hot lesbians).

Bag Tag!

2005-09-15T23:55:00.000-04:00

I got tagged by John.

7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Fly faster than the speed of sound
2. Kill as many invading Red Army as possible
3. Walk a daughter down the aisle
4. make 6 figures
5. See a Cleveland sports team win a championship
6. Teach my sons to use tools and build things
7. Upper-cut a punk ass

7 Things I Can Do:
1. Flip my tongue over
2. Finish a basement (I just can't finish finishing it)
3. Eat *way* faster than you
4. Eat 1/2 a pizza without breaking a sweat
5. Bench press up to 125lbs
6. Get totally rooked by an auto mechanic
7. knock-up chicks

7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Use a rectal thermometer on my kids
2. Dunk
3. Figure out what time it would have been if daylight savings didn't happen
4. Pass a color blindness test
5. Understand this chick Gaythri that keeps calling my office
6. Run from here to there
7. win at arm wrestling

7 Things That Attract me to the Opposite Sex:
1. Less makeup is better than more
2. I like MILFs
3. Rack
4. anything that makes them look like a librarian
5. willing to have sex with me
6. someone that will laugh at my shitty stories
7. Can watch sports

7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. He was like....
2. Fuck
3. eat a cock
4. I have an intern
5. I can still see you (to my kids)
6. Do *not* kick your brother!!!
7. the entire plot of every show I see

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Lady from SVU
2. Martha Stuart
3. Kathy Ireland
4. Stifler's mom
5. Natalie Portman
6. Terri Hatcher
7. Sandra Bullock

Crown Vic.

2005-09-15T11:16:00.000-04:00

I have been getting my ass kicked at work lately so nothing funny or angry is coming out of me and into my blog. I do have a question - one that has plagued me for years. Every once in a while I'll see a Ford Crown Victoria (the kind of car that 90% of all police cars are). It won't obviously be a cop car but as I roll by I see the back is bristling with anntanae (anteni, antenae - I don't care) and on the driver's side there is a spot light. Based on teh occupants I don't think undercover cop - I think total asshole whole bought a Crown Vic. and made it look like an undercover cop car just so people would skid wildly as they approached him. I mean it is probably cool for him and the other occupants to watch - but it is getting in my way.

Am I the only one that has noticed this phenomenon? (Go ahead John PhD correct my fucking spelling)

100% fillers

2005-09-11T10:14:00.000-04:00

If you have the previous Ford Mustang how pissed must you be? I mean the new one is totally awesome.
----------------------
I was at a kids park and saw a guy miniture golfing by himself! WTF? Seriously, suicide is probably your only out. I cannot imagine wanting to go to mini golf by myself.
----------------------
I think those solar powered path lights, that you can get for your walk, are okay... but why are they blue? It looks stupid.
----------------------
If you are trapped a convention center and you want to be rescued here are some ways to do it. If you want to be rescued by :

Reporters
Tell them you found Natalie Holloway - or you want to confess to her killing. They will flock to you.

Republicans
Tell them that the power loss is going to kill Terry Schiavo - they will bring all of congress to your doorstep.

Democrats
Tell them you are going to deport Alien Gonzales (or whatever his name was). They will be flocking to you.
----------------------
MythBusters is the greatest show ever. If you aren't watching it - you are either gay or don't have cable.
----------------------
Deck stain is 25$/gallon. Which is 8 times the cost of gasoline. Please tell some reporters and the I-team.
----------------------

You know who's racist?

2005-09-07T16:50:00.000-04:00

There is a lot of talk about rasicm playing a role in the response (or lack there of) of the US government to the hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico. I personally think the US government could have done things better and that considering the forewarning they should have had some responders near-by. However, I don't believe racism played a role in the response time. I think the government was caught off guard and would have had the same beaurocracy (I don't care how it's spelled) issues if New Orleans was solely inhabited by the Hawaiian (again on the spelling) Tropic girls.

So the whole topic of racism got me thinking... you know who is racist? God. Yep - God. Here's my proof. Read this list (just scroll up and down). It lists the worst disasters ever. Noticing anything about all of the places?? George Carlin does a bit where he says, "The US loves to fight brown people." This is the term he uses to define, what a more politically correct person might call "people of color" (POC). Anyway - *every* one of these disasters happens where POCs live. Did george Bush make that happen??

Iceland, Greenland, Finland... all white people all distaster free since... well forever. If I was Chile I'd rename myself Chileland and import a bunch of blond-haired white people, God generally steers shit away from them.

You can save your
- "Well white people stole the good land" shit
- "These countries are less developed and can't respond as well" shit

Hey Kanye - why don't you call out God next time you have the nation's attention? "Hey, we need to fight back because God hates the black man! Fight back and stand up for us... ramble ramble"

[PS - do not stand near the author of this email - he will probably be struck by lightning]

My story of rocky times in my relationship

2005-09-06T10:48:00.000-04:00

Okay - my August output was pathetic - I am going to make a better effort for Quantity and Quality. So to this end - I am going to get personal. Other people have talked about their relationship's with their beloved - and some times have talked about their troubles. Well I have dodged the subject. From the outside my bleoved and I seem like a happy team - be we have our troubles too. I am going to talk about our darkest hour. It is ironic because our darkest hour actually happened during a power outage (but I'll get to that).

The day I am reffering to I have almost forgotten - or tried to. I think she has totally forgotten about it. Our relationship has stood for many years - through thick and thin - but this was a true test. Sure most of the time she talks and I listen intently - when I talk she sort of ignores me and keeps going - but that is our relationship. Everyone I know thinks we have the perfect situation - and I hear it all the time, "You guys are so happy together." Well strife makes for good reading - so here goes.

I hadn't thought much about "the incident" until we were curled up with the TV last night. It seems like such a silly thing now - but on that day it was a huge "crisis". We have been together for years but this was the biggest test we had faced. I think back to when we first got together - the excitment and the awkwardness. Trying to learn about each other's intricacies. It seemed like things were moving right along and then the day of the power outage happened. The power didn't come back on until during the night and in the morning she wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't even talk to the kids! What happened? (let's Tarantino it). I went to work, leaving my kids to deal with her - deal with the weird void in our lives. Something had changed... changed inside her.

I think it was her hard drive. Yes, that turned out to be the issue. Her hard drive was seized up. A ReplayTV with no hard drive is totally useless. She had stopped talking to me - it had only been a day - but God I missed her. I knew that I had the power to replace the hard drive. (Just a note - until the blackout I was convinced that ReplayTV was the greatest single invention ever) A ReplyTV is like a TiVo (except not shitty). It will automatically skip comercials. You can send movies to your PC and then watch them from the PC on your TV!! You can send and receive movies from other people - there is even a file sharing network (TiVo can eat a cock). Anyway, my faith was rocked to the core. She had failed us.

My kid has never known life before ReplayTV. He kept telling her - "I want to watch Rolie Polie Olie!" But she just sat there lifeless. Dammit - this was a disaster. I knew I could yank the harddrive and copy the data to a new one - *if* the data was still there. I told my wife I was going to go buy a new drive and she said great - "we need our shows back." I got a sudden uneasy feeling. I knew the possibility existed that our shows were *gone*.

I bought the new drive and tried in every way I could to copy over the data. But the old drive was scragged. Dammit. Time to face the music. I told my wife that we lost everything. "24" was gone (we refer to these as the lost 5 episodes). Just fucking gone!! My girl had let me down. We patched things up - but I had been holding a small grudge since that day. Yes, she's still the most amazing appliance EVER. But she did kind of screw me over... that is until last night!!!

A&E - I will kiss you full on the mouth. A&E reran the **entire** season of "24". God's hand reached down to my channel guide and showed this to me. I recorded the lost episodes last night and my wife and I snuggled and watched 2 of them (we still have 3 left - so shut your spoiler mouth). It was the *greatest*. My wife said (and I quote), "Why is Jack Bauer so awesome? I will totally have sex with him." It was a little weird because her husband (me) was the only one in the room. But I begrudgingly said, "Yeah me too."

I love you ReplayTV!!! - TLA. xoxoxox

I am NOT a GM employee

2005-08-30T21:02:00.000-04:00

For Christ's sake *enough* with the fucking employee discount. I will gladly buy your piece of shit 2005 car at FULL MSRP if you will pull all of your commercials off the air! God dammit - I am so sick of being a Ford employee and a Chrysler employee and a GM employee. Listen - I can barely do my real job - I don't need to be an employee of every failing auto maker in the US too. Oh, also a little tidbit - if your car is skidding widely out of control (pretty much every car in every commercial) then I don't want it. Even if you find one more place to add an air bag.

Anyway, quit extending your employee pricing. Just pack that shit up. While you are at it pack up Lee Iacocca. Yep put him into cryogenic suspension for another couple decades then bust him out for another ad campaign.

Party Foul

2005-08-23T15:08:00.000-04:00

Here's the deal - if I am at a party it is because I want to forget about work. So asking questions like, "Hey Scott every time I try to print the Internet goes down - what causes that?" Really pisses me off. At pretty much every family reunion I go to I get 10 questions that are so similar I can make a MadLib for them

"My computer keeps making [funny sound] do I have a virus?"

"I keep getting porn pop-ups - I have never been to a porn site... well maybe just [really small number] times - when I got a link from a [profession] as a joke.

"Our printer gets stuck when trying to print [some shit I've never heard of] documents - what is wrong"

"I want my PC to be lots faster. Do I need a [new/bigger] hard drive?"

"On AOL .... (its just fucking static to me after that)....."

Please for the love of god - leave me alone. (I do want to answer the question at the very top. Yes - everytime you print the Internet goes down. It is really pissing off the online gaming comminity, and banks and stuff - so fucking quit it)

Do other professions get this. "Dr. Vet, my puppy has this rash...." "Mr. Pilot - can a 747 really roll in the air? I heard it could - plus that thing they do in Air Force One - could that happen?"

What if you are a gyno. Dude - weak. "Hey Dr. CrotchGrabber, ummm, I have a quick question.... I get painful burning whenever..... " Dammit that has to suck. My problems don't seem so bad.

Bond, Gold Bond

2005-08-17T15:09:00.000-04:00

I know you have been thinking - "I wonder how Scott's bag is?" "I haven't heard much about the bag lately, should I ask?" "Is everything okay?" Well dear reader - you can stop holding your breath - it is time for a bag update.

I was in a wedding a few weeks back. Not only was I in the wedding - but I was the best man. My buddy Erik was tying the knot. Let's back up a bit. I have talked to you about my tigh knit group of friends from high school (not the boys from the Dort gang) these guys are all my age. I have been best friends with all of them since "Dave Allen" came to our school. My buddies are Erik, "Dave Allen", Krusty and Happy. We have been great friends since the early 90's and we still see each other every chance we get. Erik, Krusty and Happy still live in Rochester and play cards every week. "Dave Allen" and I moved away - but have family in Rochester and we always use visits home to see the other guys. At this point Krusty, Happy, Erik and I are all married. I have proudly stood in each wedding watching each friend marry a fantastic woman (by fantastic I mean hot). "Dave Allen" will be joining our ranks in 2 weeks. That will mean that all of my close friends will be married - which is pretty awesome.

As I mentioned I have been in each of their weddings - actually we have all been in each of the others weddings. My wedding and Erik's wedding were both outside. Both occurred with temeratures over 90 degrees. We were wearing hot as hell wool tuxes in both.

I knew things were going to heat up. Things "down there" (think not so fresh feeling)... So based on the weather forcast, the wool tux factor, my concern for my comrades I did 2 things before my wedding :
(1) I decided we would not wear our tux jackets. They were rounded up and thrown in a trunk. No photos exist with them bitches on
(2) I decided to buy a huge bottle of Gold Bond powder and leave it in the bathroom where each guy had to go to change.

Sometimes all of the heat of your body will focus down there and it feels like spontaneous combustion could occur. Gold Bond (GB) keeps things nice and fresh and cool. I love Gold Bond. There is one serious risk when applying GB that is PB&J. PB&J occurs when the area to be GB is *already* "damp". Instead of forming a lasting cool layer of protection the GB forms a total goddamn mess - you end up with Pasty Balls and Junk (PB&J). This is worse than the afflictions you are trying to avoid! Well, anyway - just to make sure things happened correctly "Dave Allen" drew an instructional cartoon that showed proper application of GB. This original drawing is in the Smithsonian - so I don't have it. However, for a subsequent wedding "Dave Allen" redrew the directions (these are alway prominently posted at the house where we get ready - usually the parent's house). Anyway - here is the picture. It helped me again at Erik's wedding and I am sure it will help me at "Dave Allen's" outdoor wedding next month. Your mother would be proud.

Dort (part 2 of 900)

2005-08-16T08:11:00.000-04:00

"Sir I think the SunDance has us - she's just too fast and manuverable!"
"We're dead meat - the Horizon class should have been retired years ago - we don't stand a chance!"
"God dammit LeBlond you shut up with that talk or I will have you removed from my fucking bridge. This bucket of bolts still has a few tricks up her sleeve. Regan - reduce speed - allow the SunDance to approach on our starboard side."
"What, but sir..."
"That is a fucking order Regan. Starboard battery - prepare to fire. Loaders - prepare the battery!"
"Gunners you fucking hold your fire until I fucking tell you"
"They are right on top of us - look at the size of her - we're done for"
"Starboard battery - F I R E!!!"
[thwack] [thwack] [thwack]
"Starboard battery reports several direct hits!!"
"Sir, she's accelerating - we won't be able to keep up with her."
"It doesn't matter - load torpedoes. Flood tubes 1 and 2."
"Sir - the SunDance has flooded her aft tubes and is going to fire"
"FLANK SPEED NOW REGAN!"
"But sir that will..."
"NOW!!!!"
The Horizon's reactor roared to life - the men all felt the surge as they were propelled towards the SunDance - and her aft firing torpedoes.
"She's firing!!"
"Sir - glancing blow - both torpedoes deflected off the bow with no damage!! You did it sir - we were too close for the torpedoes to arm."
"We won't make the same mistake. Tubes 1 and 2 fire on my command - but set the torpedoes for a short run... F I R E!!"
"Tubes 1 and 2 away - direct hit!!! We have her sir!!! We did it!!"

This may sound like the plot of Clancy novel (I mean with spelling errors). But it is my recreation of actual events of a faithful day in July of 1991. A day that would leave me hospitalized and on crutches.

The entire exchange above took place after going to "the city" to see a movie with my friends. I am not sure which movie it was, but you can bet your ass it was dorky if it required 2 car loads. The 2 car's were Eric's brand new 1991 Plymouth Sundance and Smell Bad's 1985 Plymouth Horizon. The weapons exchange was initially "Gummy Worms". We would suck on a Gummy Worm and then propel them at each other's cars - at highway speed. The impact sound on the opposing vehicle was a totally delightful [thwack]. The Worms would frequently stick and not detach until peeled off. The torpedo exchange is the 2 cars firing bottle rockets at each other... again at highway speeds. We were young and dumb. But the Horizon had these channels just above the windows. These channels were ostensibly little rain gutters - but we knew better. They worked perfectly to hold and fire bottle rockets - especially right up the ass of a shiny new 1991 Plymouth Sundance.

After our triumphant bottlerocket exchange we headed for home. Eric lived 2 houses down from me and he pulled up infront of his house. Regan pulled the Horizon up infront of my house. We knew we had scored some devastating Worm hits against the SunDance and wanted to witness the carnage before Eric and his crew had time to peel them off. As Regan slowed the car - I opened the door (driver's side rear). I hung my legs out as the car slowed (I looked like a guy in a 'Nam movie - where they are sitting on the deck of a helo with their legs dangling over the skids). At this point "Allen" (name changed - for a reason that will be obvious later) touches my back and says "go". I would say he pushed my back - but it wasn't a push - he just set his hand there. Unfortunately, this was just enough force to start my body teetering forward. I had no way to stop my momentum except to put my "boat shoe" loafers on the ground. Once on the ground my weight was on them and I couldn't lift them back up. It was like one of those Chinsese finger puzzles - where the more you pull the more stuck you are (it really wasn't like that - I just like those).

The right rear tire made its way towards my left foot. In desparation I shifted my weight to my right side and got the foot out of the way. Now all of my weight had my right foot pinned - with no where to go. The Horizon continued its methodic death march towards my foot. Physics was fucking me in a bad way - I couldn't do anything as the tire started rolling over my foot. My foot turned from the pressure and my little toe side was forced to the ground awkwardly.

There are stories where 120 pound moms will pick up a car to save their babies. Somehow they can summon the strength when their loved ones are in trouble. Well I love my fucking feet - and I kicked into action. The tire was almost completely over my foot when I summoned the 120 pound mom inside me and yanked it free.

This entire sequence of events took about 1 second and no one was aware of it - except for me - as I felt pain shoot up my right side. I got out of the car and started hopping like a crazy man yelling, "my foot, my foot!! You ran over my foot!" Now in corny practical jokes 102 they actually teach this routine so NO ONE bought it. "Bullshit, shut up - lets go look at Eric's car"
"Look you fuckers!!" With boat shoes and no socks the skin on the right side of my foot took the brunt of the damage. I had effectively made the road a cheese grater with my foot being the cheese and the car being 2,000 psi pushing it all together. The right side of my foot was missing a bunch of skin and I was still hopping around. Finally from the light of the street lights (oh it was 1:00 in the morning) - they started to see the carnage.

It was right at this point that I realized that it didn't hurt. It didn't hurt!! Let me make something clear - if I pull off a Band Aid I almost cry - here I was missing a chunk of my foot and it didn't hurt! So we try to decide on a game plan. We'll go inside my house - get a "big bandage" and some Neosporin and cover it up. We'll see what she looks like in the morning - yes this is a solid plan. Parents *hate* to be woken up for silly shit like this. "Ok break!" It takes 20 seconds for our plan to fall down. I can't find the "big bandages" - I look all over but nothing. Shit. Okay - plan "b" - I'll try to ask my mom - but keep her in a sleepy haze - so she doesn't panic - ok cool - this will totally work.
"Mom"
"huh?"
"Um, I'm home - I'm going to bed"
"k"
"oh, mom..."
"huh?"
"where do we keep the uhh ummm 'big bandages' ?"
"wha wha WHA WHAT?!?!?! What happened? Who's hurt what's going on - I knew you shouldn't ride with those kids - what's happened???"

I have to explain this all to my mom. I am trying to convince her that I am fine and really only require a "big bandage". Well this won't do - she is convinced that I need to go to the hospital. Shit. She says how it is important and the right thing to do etc etc. So I'm like, "well let's go". She counters with, "I'm not taking you - we'll wake up your father." Fucking great.

So I ride the 45 minutes to the hospital - with my foot on the dash - listening to my dad, "explain this numb nuts manuver again. Dammit." (repeat).

I got a bunch of Xrays etc - but it turns out nothing was broken. I still needed crutches to allow the muscles to heal. Oh, I had "ripped muscles out of the side of my foot" - nice.

Anyway - of the guys in the car - "Allen" is the one I still correspond with the most. There are no hard feelings. To prove it I named my first kid after him - I mean that and to honor his military service.

Dort! (part 1 of 900)

2005-08-10T07:14:00.000-04:00

Johnny Virgil is always telling great stories of his youth (he was quite a scamp). In one of his recent posts he talks about almost killing his brother. One of the ways he tortured his brother was by stripping down a camera and using the *massive* capacitor, that stores energy for the flash, to electrocute him. If you read the post you were probably like, "whoa that's f'd up" or "man he is crazy" or "holy shit could Johnny's posts be any fucking longer?" I didn't say any of those (well actually I did say that last one). I said, "yeah I did that" What? Yeah - that's right. I took apart a camera - and used its capacitor to store energy to for a primitive tazer. Primitive in design - not power. This is just one of 900 stories of my youth where someone should have been killed - but only hilarity insued.

I was "accelerated" in science class (NOT in english - GD I am illiterate). This meant that I took 7th and 8th grade science in 7th grade. So in 8th grade I took 9th grade science (with 9th graders). The older kids despised us "nerds" - I was fine with it (oh I ended up having sex with one of the older kids - so everyone can eat it!! I mean we are married now - but that still totally counts). This accelerated program allowed the smart kids to get 1 extra year of science senior year. Anyway - its not important to the story. The grade above me had nerds too - they were also accelerated. They had a particularly good stock of dorks and I gravitated to them. These friends were - Eric, Smellbad, Vern and Jack (their real names - fake names is too much work for me). I have almost killed, or been killed by each of these guys.

In 9th grade we discovered the "shocker" (not that shocker - sicko). No we bought super cheap "Teenage Mutant Ninja disposible cameras". Each one was equipped with a flash. We immediately took out the bulbs and left the 2 exposed leads. If you turned the camera on you would hear this loud whine as the capicitor stored up the lethal dose of electricity. Just like Johnny Virgil we started out by welding pennies with the shocker. *welding pennies*! We soon became bored with this and needed a human test subject. It just so happens that another nerd, Jamie, had been getting a bit uppity in physics class - yes - he would be the test subject. Smellbad and Jamie had been feuding for some time (Jamie glued Smellbad's backack shut after Smellbad filled his with water etc). Well, we were going t0 set a trap. We laid out our plan and sprung into action. We were in the chem lab and we cornered Jamie. Time to pay the piper bitch!! But Jamie was wily! He grabbed a bit of surgical tubing and hooked it to the sink in the lab. These sinks shot water at 10,000psi or something. He had a Super Soaker that could cut a man in half. We beat a hasty retreat behind some desks.

Jamie came in pursuit and Smellbad pounced. From Jamie's point of view it must have looked like Smellbad was about to take his picture with a broken TMNT camera - but he still reflexivly parried! The camera flew in the air and smashed into the ground.

Smellbad was pinned down with no shocker. He was in a bad way. I did a Navy Seal roll over to the shattered device. My plan was to grab it and throw it to Smellbad. Jamie was still within arms reach and was easy prey. I reached down to grab it - and then it happened... The plastic cover was broken and the camera was not much more than a raw circuit board. As I grabbed it - I must have close some circuit - because it fired. I was knocked back and my hand fucking hurt. I looked down and through the slight whiff of burnt flesh I saw that the circuit tracings had imprinted on my hand. It hurt - but it was pretty cool. Realizing Jamie had us - and we were defenseless we escaped. Damn you Jamie - I'll get you next time!!!

All the cool kids are doing it

2005-08-09T08:50:00.000-04:00

I got tagged by both Sarahs (I think) anyway I'll get this over with...

10 years ago:
I watched my roommates smoke pot just about every day
I got a job at Kodak making $10/hr - that's right bitches $10!
I switched my major to Computer Science
I had been dating my wife for 4 years
I could swim faster than you

5 years ago:
I worked with a great team, sitting in the same area, getting paid to be on-call
I had zero kids
I lived in an apartment
I could have sex whenever I wanted (I mean if I was allowed)
I finally got to prove Y2K was a big hoax

1 year ago:
My wife was 8.5 months pregnant with my 2nd kid
I started finishing my basement (which still isn't done)
My transmission started slipping (this would later cost me $2000)
My oldest kid turned 2 and continued to be the center of my life
My lawn looked awesome

Yesterday:
I ate KFC for lunch
I worked about 12 hours
I got a free beer from a vendor - cool!
I ate a KitKat and a Twix - and fel bad about it
I cuddled with my wife on the couch and watched Monk - it was great!

Tomorrow:
I get to play sand volleyball, which I love
I am due for more bad news at work
I will watch the show, "Over There" which is amazing
I will try to write a blog post about when I was a kid
I will have to do any stuff I put off from today

I enjoy:
pizza
pizza
Rice Krispie Treats
Rum and Coke
Tailgating
Having my kids fall asleep in my arms

5 bands/artists that I know the lyrics to most of their songs:
TOOL
Guns n' Roses
Alice in Chains
SoundGarden
TOOL

5 things I'd do with $100,000,000:
Pay for college for all of my friends' kids
Buy a house in New York
Buy a radio controlled hellicopter
Invent any of the stupid things I've ever thought of
Become a total prick to anyone who pisses me off at work

5 locations I'd like to run away to:
Maine
Quebec City
NYC
Australia
Home (I am at work)

5 bad habits I have:
Not putting my dishes in the dish washer
Being neurotic about being on time
Poor spelling
Drinking soda
shooting heroine

5 things I like doing:
Going on vacation with friends
Putting my kids to sleep
Watching my kids learn something new
Playing volleyball
Making people look like a total asshole - if they are one

5 things I will never wear:
Tight shirts
A "scrunchie"
Steelers logo merchandise
a tu-tu
anything anti-American

5 TV shows I like:
Over There
Monk
Dead Zone
Aqua Team Hunger Force
Indians Baseball

5 movies I like:
Office Space
Go!
All 6 Star Wars (that's right ALL six - I am not an original trilogy snob)
Shawshank Redemption
Team America

5 people I'd like to meet:
The fucker that gave the green light to launch the Chalenger in cold weather - I'll fucking cut that guy
My dad's dad
Osama - then I could yell "He's over here - get him!!"
Ronald Reagan

5 biggest joys at the moment:
FM radio (I was without it for quite a time)
My friends Erik and Jill getting married
My son learning to walk
My son feeding me pretzels
Making enough money so that my wife can stay home

5 favorite toys:
ReplayTV - for real - get one
XBox
Projector (I have a home movie projector)
2-way pager
pneumatic nail gun

Has anyone seen my ass around here?

2005-08-08T11:16:00.000-04:00

I don't dance, as Seinfeld said, "Oh, because it's stupid." My wife really likes to dance - she is good at it and has lots of fun. At our wedding she mostly danced with my best man - he likes to dance too - so it worked out for everyone. Sure I slow danced with her (by which I mean I shuffled my feet a little). I danced to "our" song, "Love of a Lifetime" by FireHouse. Go ahead - make fun of it Sarah - I'll fucking cut you.

Anyway, I don't dance - because I look like a 6'4" douche writhing in pain. Well this weekend I was the best man at my friends wedding. A few weeks ago I attended a different wedding, and no one danced. Well that shit wasn't happening on my watch. So on the first chord of "Disco Fever" (or something - I don't listen to dance music) I charged out on the floor and got jiggy!! I flipped my collar up and was thrusting one finger in the air violently. I was the *only* person on the dance floor - but I didn't care. (I know pictures of this exist - FYI). Anyway, I danced my ass off - at least 80% of the night I was out there do the "weed whacker" and the "row boat" (which maybe I got confused - because I think maybe they were saying do the "robot" but I don't care). I was like Napoleon Dynamite doin' my thing.

That's right - step off sucka MC's.

Tourette's fit

2005-08-02T07:09:00.000-04:00

I IM'd John and told him that if I had a 5 minute Tourette's fit (oh and that is how you spell it you fucker) that I might feel better. Well here goes.

This is a fuck! Fuck the fucking fuckers. fuck fuck fuck. God dammit - this is bullshit, son of a bitch - cock sucking M Fing piece of shit bastard son of a bitch. Eat a cock, eat a cock, eat a cock!! Ass, mother bitch! whore-fest-2005 piece of shit - crap'n mother. LOUD WORDS! Bitches - hoochies and mommas. FUCK! Piece of shit - PC load letter!?! FUCK FUCK God Dammit.

Okay - I don't feel any better - but I am going to go break something. Peace out - you mother fuckers.

Take your clothes off...

2005-07-29T21:56:00.000-04:00

Okay, real quickly, take all of your clothes off and stand in front of a mirror. If what you see is NOT hot, white and female - then for the love of God do NOT get kidnapped or murdered - because no one will give a shit about you. I know I have hit this before - but I need to revisit it. Natalee Holloway was kidnapped/murdered 61 days ago (I know the number of days because today's breaking news was "Alabama girl missing 61 day"). Yep, breaking news. That makes the date of her disappearance 05/29/2005. Since then I have seen about 30 special reports, my pager has a daily update on the investigation and Natalee's mom's feelings on different suspects etc. I certainly sympathize with the family - this is a horrible thing to have happen - but you know what is more horrible? Ugly people, men and minorities die too - and no one cares. On May 21 (one week before Natalee's trip to Aruba) a family of 9 was incinerated in Cleveland. The were burned to death as they slept and the cause was arson.

The biggest mass murder in Cleveland history is unsolved. I haven't heard a damn thing about it since June 1. A search on CNN.com for "Cleveland arson" produces 6 hits (only 1 is actually related to THE LARGEST MASS MURDER IN THE HISTORY OF A MAJOR *US* CITY). A search for Natalee Holloway gets ..... 42 results!!!! That is like one every fucking day and a half. I wish I was black - because I'd be protesting my ass off about the injustice of the overcoverage of hot white girls and the lack of any coverage of a *confirmed* murdered black family. This is fucking bullshit.

I live in God Damn Cleveland - they love to talk about "The Cleveland Connection" ummmm assholes 9 of your citizens are dead. Pull the fucking I-Team off of "are there rat droppings in your Subway Sub?" and have them find the killer of this poor fucking family. Or at least have them figure out why the media won't cover the story any more.

You can Put your clothes back on.

You have to read this....

2005-07-28T14:45:00.000-04:00

I have been following John in Iraq for a few months now. It is amazing to get a soldier's eye view of life in Iraq. John is just one of thousands of men and women who are working to make my life better and make the world better.

John's posts are funny, sad, scary, touching, amazing and insightful. I implore you to go to his blog now and read from SFC. Wood to the top. It is about 9 posts - but they are well worth reading. If you are like me and read *really* slowly - feel free to skip my whiny blog for a few days and just read John's. It is worth it and it will amaze you.

clip... clip.... clip

2005-07-21T13:25:00.000-04:00

I am not sure what the opposite of a fetish is. Like an anti-fetish, something you are totally obsessed against. A regular fetish is like wanting a girl to dress up like a librarian... with those horn rimmed glasses and her hair up in a bun... held in place with a pencil... Oh that book is on the top shelf you have to reach for it... oh now you need the pencil.... you pull it out of your hair and sway the full length of it back... and forth.... Holy shit where was I? Oh right anti-fetish.

I hate all things nails. If you say the word cuticle out loud I will cringe visibly. If you click your long-ass finger nails together I will pretty much want to puke. This leads to my question. Why in the name of all that is holy do you have to cut your nails at work? Holy f'ing shit - that is not right. I can work all day, go have a drink, go play volleyball, go home and put my kid to sleep, work on my basement for 2 hours and still have time (30 seconds) to cut my nails AT HOME!!!

If you cut your nails at work, well we pretty much aren't friends anymore - there I said it. I was at a lecture the other day and a guy in the audience busted out the clippers and went to town! There were 30 people in the rather intimate room and this dick-moe decides its personal grooming time. I spun and stared at him - but it had no effect - he was a clueless public nail clipping a-rod.

Dammit - I am going to miss my exit - better cause an accident

2005-07-19T06:31:00.000-04:00

I used to live in New York State. In NY the exit numbers are sequential - so all "Exit 61" tells you is that it is before "Exit 62" but after "Exit 60". This is fucking stupid numbering system because it conveys no information about distance AND if you ever add another exit you have to pull some 61A and 61B bullshit. In Ohio the exits are numbered based on the mile marker. So "Exit 61" is 9 miles from "Exit 70" (In general people from Ohio seem mildly retarded on the road to me - but I think they got this one right).

So in Ohio if you know you need to get off at Exit 205 - and you are at mile marker 204 - well guess what fucko? Time to move to the right. Unfortunately, this is rarely what actually happens. No typically the asshole-dick-blowing-mother-fucker (ADBMF) will stay 4 lanes to the left until Newtonian physics says it is not possible to make it to the exit. That's when ADBMF makes his move. Cutting off anyone and anything in his way. Just blindly flying through 3 lanes of traffic and then cutting over that little striped triangle bit that tells you you missed the exit.

My question has always been this - What the Fuck? Seriously - What the Fuck?? Is my life worth only 2 of your precious minutes? Because here's the deal - if you gracefully move to the right and exit at the next exit (about 1 mile away) you can take a left - then take another left and you go back 1 mile on the highway and exit. Voila - you are back to your exit (albeit 2 minutes later).

I live to see some douche realize he needs to exit (from 3 lanes away) and start to make the dash (obviosly not using directional signals - they must not teach people what those are in Ohio). I generally see if I can interpose and make him miss his exit. I think that it makes him think about it in the future - or something - generally I just want to piss him off.

The other day I was driving on a highway (read: 60MPH) in Cleveland. I was in the far right lane, when the bus directly in front of me went perpendicular to the road. It was like fucking "Speed" and the dude was at 51MPH and dropping. I had no idea what was going on (or that buses were so fucking manuverable). Anyway - he was dodging a delivery truck... that was stopped... IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING HIGHWAY!!! This guy wasn't broken down - no he missed his exit (about 1/4 mile back). And he wanted to stop in a travel lane to contimplate backing up. I am not fucking kidding. Well he must have decided that was fucking moronic - so he drove to the next exit (1/2 mile ahead) and turned around. So he almost killed a bus load of people to avoid the "invconvenience" of having to go 1 mile.

That is the final and most annoying move. Newton and his physics have made you miss your exit (or perhaps I helped).... man I hope it was me cutting your stupid ass off. So you pull off to the right and figure, "drive *1* mile forward?? No way!!" I'll just back up on the shoulder of a major US interstate and create a rate of closing around 100MPH. Then I'll just insert myself into the offramp (going -25MPH) with the other cars gong +75MPH. Yep, that's solid - that's my plan. You inbred fuckwit - I will fucking kill you.

On my best behavior

2005-07-16T12:41:00.000-04:00

So my wife got a blog. Here are a few things you should know about my wife
(1) She is the only person on earth that is worse at spelling than me
(2) She is 100% not angry. When she tries to be angry she just sounds really cute

Due to my wife's presense on the Internet I will immediately have to stop talking about making out with Toren and Sarah's boobs. Dammit! Starting... now. Mmmmm... boobs.... I mean NOW!

I promise to cut out all of the lame political shit and start complaining on Monday.

My own socialogical experiment

2005-07-14T15:48:00.000-04:00

I have this group of friends that has been together since about 9th grade. There were 6 of us (one guy kind of moved on) but we still think of ourselves as "The 6". Anyway, the guy that moved on, we'll call him Grub (his actual nickname) and I decided to do some socilogical testing in highschool. We had some arguement about gender inequality with one of our female teachers (I have no recollection of which side of the arguement I was on or what it even was). Well, to prove a point, the next day Grub and I wore skirts to school. I have to say, I have nice legs - so I made it work. We basically got harassed - but it was funny to do.

A few years later it was a similar cast - but the argument was about HIV/AIDS. One of our classmates said he wouldn't give mouth to mouth to someone in need, for fear of catching AIDS (he ammended this by saying if they were bleeding). So this open a discussion about people with HIV/AIDS having some kind of identification - to "protect" and inform the rest of the population. This argument became hugely heated, the teacher and several girls were yelling at how sick and draconian this idea was. We argued, that in the abstract, it made sense for the good of the masses (again I don't recall the entire argument - it was 13 years ago). So the next day Grub and I show up to school with 8" x 5" signs that read, in large letters, "I am HIV positive". I cannot even explain how fucked up a feeling it is to have EVERYONE stare at you. We purposely walked through the middle school and several other areas. Many kids laughed, some moved out of the way. [whispers - is that true?] It was interesting to watch their faces as they turned - they'd be in the middle of something funny, turn and you could see their face change as they read and absorbed the message.

Anyway, we did it for the whole day - and it was really hard. I am not sure if it proved anything or if it was beneficial but it was eye opening.

An open apology - and a challenge

2005-07-12T20:21:00.000-04:00

Normally frivolous shit pisses me off - I have a doozy about people trying to exit the highway - but that is for another day.

Today I need to discuss something *deadly* serious. I want to write an apology to the people who lost loved ones in the Murrah Federal building during the Oklahoma City bombing. I realize that the person that perpetrated this heinous crime was a white male and so am I. I think it is important to point out that just because Timothy McVeigh (who is fucking dead) and I are both white and American it does NOT mean that I condoned the bombing or helped him plan or execute the attack. It is just a coincidence. Oh, and he is fucking crazy and I am not.

But I think it is my duty to come out and condemn the actions of my fellow white male and state emphatically that it was wrong and terrible. And I am not currently - nor will I *ever* harbor people like this or hide them from from our government or other governments that seek to extradite them.

I think when people of our race/faith do something that is awful it reflects on us all. But instead of whining that I am not a baby murdering, bomb-strapping psycho - and that I am just being stereo-typed I am taking the time to
(1) Apologize
(2) State unequivocally that I did not and do not know the whereabouts of anyone who has plans to incinerate innocent civilians.
(3) Condemn the actions of a non-associated radical vehemently

I think every White male American should visit my blog and attest to (1), (2) and (3). That will set an example that this is the correct course of action. Incorrect choices would be to hide individuals that were involved, feel pride secretly or in public displays, not leverage your racial/religious similarities to help find the perpetrators and bring them to justice.

I will leave this open for white males. Once I have all 101,000,000 signatures.... Well, Muslim World.... you're on the clock.

Answer your God Damn phone

2005-07-11T15:51:00.000-04:00

Somewhere in my blog (I am to lazy to find and link to it) I talk about how I hate talking on the phone. Trust me - I hate it. The phone is like a needle - if I am not expecting the phone or the needle they will hurt and piss me off. But if I have a splinter that I have to dig out - as painful as it may be - I need the needle. Just like the phone - as painful as it may be - sometimes I need it.

So I have to make calls. There are 4 females I can talk to on the entire earth.
(1) My Mom
(2) My Sister
(3) My Wife
(4) Sarah

(This is also pretty much the list of people allowed to call me Scotty - if you add my sister's friend Jill).

Anyway - when I am with these people they are on the phone about 54% of the time. Sarah regularly takes calls during lunch and as we walk to lunch and during volleyball games etc. My wife is on the phone *all* the time. I have no idea who she is talking to - but I know it's not me. I get home from work and just stand there with my thumb up my ass as she gabs away. Meanwhile, I wait and try to figure out things like, do I have time to go to the store before dinner? how long have the boys been asleep? who drew on the wall? Who are you talking to? Are we still meeting the Smith's for dinner? Nope she just keeps going.

Even more annoying is the fact that she too will answer the phone at any time. No matter what is happening. I could be hip deep in poopy diapers and need her help. the phone rings and she darts across the room and grabs it. My kids could be bleeding from their fucking eyes and she will *always* get the phone. EXCEPT - if it is me calling. My wife *NEVER* answers the god damn phone when I call her - ever. At home we don't even have caller ID - so I am not sure how she does this - but I am universally ignored. Again, the kids could be bleeding out their eyes and she won't answer my calls for help. I will call 32 times - just to see how high I can get that little number of missed calls number. It pisses me off like nothing else in this world (except other drivers, terrorists, Jared, some other shit). The exact same thing happens with Sarah. Like I said she will take any call at any time - but my calls never get answered. It is a fucking conspiracy. I am going to keep detailed records from now on.

Toof's

2005-07-07T22:33:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted for a while - I went to NY state for the 4th of July. When I was home I decided to drop in on a good friend from High School. He lives about 300 yards from my parents house (actually *exactly* 300 yards. We measured one time - so we could tell how far our waterballoons were flying when we shelled his house with a launcher. A story for another time perhaps). Anyway, he lives within line of sight of my parents deck and I saw him out mowing when I was eating. So I figured I should say hi.

Let me give a little background on my friend, we'll call him Stinky. Stinky was 42 days older than me - but an entire grade ahead of me in school due to some cutoff age. We started hanging out in 9th or 10th grade. I have enough stories about the kid to fill a book - so I will hit some high points in this blog entry.

He is a total pyro and I have seen him set himself, his dog, his car and his house on fire several times
Ding Dongs, coke and butter could be all of the food he would eat in one day
He could build/fix/destroy *anything*
He absolutely must have a genius IQ - he is so God Damn brilliant
His mother died recently - very unexpectedly of stomach cancer. She was one of the greatest parents I knew. Not in the - help your kid with homework kind of way. No, in the let your kids torch the house and eat all of the food kind of way. She was magnificent and I miss her.
He had the ability to explain nuclear fission to a four year old - and they would understand it. He just had a gift for anologies - that I try to emulate - but will never even get close to
He wrecked like 40 cars
He died in a motorcycle accident (then was revived with over 100 units of blood and plasma)

Okay, fast forward to present day. After his mother's death Stinky got married and he and his wife moved into his mother's house (300 yards from my parents). The house has gone down hill pretty quickly. There are cars and car parts in the yard. There are several wooden and wire fences, a shitty shed, and a pool that has 1 foot of *black* water in it.

So I see that he is starting to mow the yard (it looks as if this is his first time this summer). The lawn mower doesn't make the typical starting noise that any suburbanite knows by heart - no it sounds like a fucking jet engine. Yeah, Stinky has somehow put a Pratt and Whitney powerplant on his Toro. I wander over to watch him mow the yard and show him my newest kid.

I get over to the yard and he and his wife say hi (after the post-flight checks have been completed on the Toro). Two things strike me simultaneously.
(1) It smells like shit (I mean feces). I assume/hope that they hit dog shit with the ram-jet-induction propelled Toro. I would later figure out that my kid had unleashed a poo-nami in his diaper. So Stinky was not to blame.
(2) The other, more disturbing thing, I notice is that Stinky has Toof's.

Let me explain. Toof's generically describes anyone that has shitty teeth (think Austin Powers). I have known Stinky for 15 years and his teeth have never been great. But now he has full-blown Toof's. I didn't see the bottom row - but on the top he is missing every other tooth!! How in the hell does this happen??? How does it not get fixed? How does his wife kiss him??? I have so many questions - dammit -someone help me here.

holy shit!

2005-06-28T09:44:00.000-04:00

I don't mean like the exclamation when something bad happens - I mean like the most sacred poo ever. Last week I was waiting to use the bathroom on my floor at work. The cleaning lady was in there (she is always in there right after I get to work and right after lunch - the 2 times I have the highest probability of needed the bathroom.... I digress). Anyway she walks out and heads through a door that I have never used. I have been sitting at the same desk on the same floor for 8 years - but I had never used that door. (It used to lead to a set of secure offices where they decided who to fire - I think). Anyway, a lightbulb goes off, "Why does the cleaning lady need to go back there?? It couldn't be... Could it be...? Is that possible... no that isn't poss... or is it? Is there a secret bathroom back there??????"

I had to wait for the coast to clear - but this morning I snuck back there. And holy shit there it was in all its glory. I almost ran back to our desks. But I ran into my team on the way back. I started speaking rapidly (and unintelligibly) to John, WH and my Intern (that's right - I have an intern because I am awesome). We are on the elevator with some other guy and I am spouting about this secret bathroom - but I just did a quick fly-by and had very few details. The team starts asking lots of questions (we have a combined 20 years in this building and no one has ever seen this bathroom). The other guy on the elevator asks if we are crazy [so I cut him - I guess that answered his question].

On the way back from StarBuck's John, Derek, Danielle and I head into the hidden lair. The hall that the bathroom is in has about 10 doors - and I can't remember which it is. Then Danielle here's the Paper Towel dispenser. We all realize simultaneously that means someone is about to emerge!! The door starts to swing open and we all make a mad dash in different directions. Derek runs into John, spilling coffee down Derek's shirt. We looked like kids who almost got caught egging someone's house.

Anyway - the guy coming out just laughed at us. We doubled back and checked out the bathroom. HOLY SHIT!! It has an ante room with 2 chairs. Then the interior actual bathroom. The lock is on the outer room! So you could, as John said, "strip naked out in this room and then head in for a naked shit." God dammit - it is fucking amazing!

I realize that I am spouting off about this to the whole Internet and that means I will probably have to get in a line when I christen the tabernacle - but man it will be worth it.

[From this point your wait for the tabernacle is 45 minutes]

There is a Cleveland Connection

2005-06-27T16:17:00.000-04:00

There are 3 staples of the news

(1) If you live in a medium sized city they will constantly attempt to make some connection to a national or international story. "Coming up we've got the Cleveland connection to the Uraguay fire....... That fire in Uraguay took 17 lives. Our I-team is live with the Jones family who once had a cousin that did a term paper on Uraguay - lets got talk to them." It is so desperate and pathetic. When Lindy England was being brought up on charges for her involvment in Abu Grahab prison thing - I kept expecting them to interview a couple who had been to England - so we could get the "Cleveland Connection". (I lived in Dayton, Buffalo and Rochester - same deal in each place).

(2) If a crime happens the news will find the dumbest mother fucker, that is still able to breath, and interview them. "Yeah, deez guys come flewing in 'der air-o-plane and they done buzzed Bubba's out building. Then they up and crashed into the Piggly-Wiggly." I swear crimes and tornado seek these people out and just miss them so they live to tell me the tale in all of their fucking in-bred glory.

(3) If you are abducted/killed and you are ugly no one gives a shit. It's true - but if you are hot then you will get more air time than a video of President Bush giving Cheney a BJ in the Oval Office. I feel bad for the family of the girl in Aruba - but c'mon if she was one of the 10,000 missing or exploited (fat and ugly) people in the US per year - you wouldn't have heard about it at all. (Same with Lori Hacking [hot], Lacy Peterson [hot], ...)

Zealots - keep your fucking hands off my kids.

2005-06-21T14:47:00.000-04:00

Lots of things piss me off. Organized religions recruiting new disciples tops the list. If you want to practice your religion - whatever it is - go for it. But don't tell me that I am "going to hell" or "a sinner" or "blastphemor" or "going to die in hell fire" etc if I don't want to join your club. You know what? I think if God can make the world in seven days - he could handle his own recruiting - but that's just me.

It gets worse when zealots make a play for kids. One day Sarah and I were at the mall and we saw "The Passion of the Christ for Kids" (not the exact title). For real? Kids need to see Jesus tortured and killed (albeit in cartoony pastels I am sure). If Mohammad or Jesus or Buddha are the way - then their light should be bright enough to attract my kids. Don't try to snatch my kids into your religion (I have a story I am working around to).

On Sunday we went to "The 2nd Anual Duct Tape Festival". We saw lots of rednecks and ate lots of carnival food. It was pretty awesome. I ate funnel cake with powdered sugar AND carmel (I love America forever!!). As we were eating, with some friends, my wife sees a booth that is making "sand art". My wife is obsessed with "sand art" (they take different colors of sand and put them into something in a stack of colors - it's pretty - I guess). Anyway, she is all excited to take the boy over and let him try his hand at sand art. She is gone for about 5 minutes and comes back - she is dazed.

Here is what I see. The boy is happy and has a sand filled bracelet. My wife is dazed and is fighting to find English words to describe what just happened. She hands me a card and mutters, "read this..." (I didn't keep the card because I don't recognize blogger gold when I see it). Here is the rough outline of what is on the card
black sand - the black represents the sin that is in all of us
yellow sand - the yellow represents the gold that lines the streets in heaven
red sand - the red represents the blood of christ
blue sand - something else crazy... you get the idea

So that isn't the bad part. The bad part is that the lady making the bracelet is talking to my (not even 3 year old) son while she makes it. "Here is the black sand. It represents sin - like when we don't put away our toys." WHAT? I skimmed the commandments - but I don't rememeber anything like that! Did you just tell my fucking kid that leaving his toys out is a sin?? Holy shit - if it was me I would have grabbed the boy and walked away saying, "Go sell crazy someplace else - we're all stocked up here!" Holy F'ing shit I can't believe this lady. My wife said she had an equally touching (and child inappropriate) description for the blood of christ (the last my wife heard before she blacked out).

Okay - the good news is my son was condemned way before this encounter (for leaving his tricycle out in the rain). God HATES that shit. Oh, the other good thing is that he is blissfully unaware of crazy when he encounters it - so he ignored Crazy McZealot. But for real - I hope this lady doesn't have a Day Care or anything. "Well Tommy I know somebody who isn't getting a snack.... oh and who will spend eternity in hell fire."

My Father's Day gift!

2005-06-20T06:40:00.000-04:00

The following has been rated PG-13. It contains descriptions of brief nudity (of me).

My wife and I aren't big gift givers. For birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc we generally don't do much for each other. Then, when we actually do give a gift, it is meaningful and not a duty. This year my wife had no idea what to get me for Father's Day. On Saturday morning she tipped her hand when she said, "I have no idea what to get you for Father's Day. Any suggestions?" Generally I'd say I don't need anything and that would be it until Xmas. But not this year, this year I had a request. "Here's what I'd like. I want to put the kids to bed early, rent a movie, snuggle and then have sex... you know... like normal people." (If you've been a regular reader you know that I have a 12 pack of condoms that I would term "a lifetime supply". Between, PTA, volleyball, work, babysitting, general fatigue, finishing a basement, kids that go to sleep at 11pm - there isn't tons of time for "romance") Living with all of those commitments and 2 kids is like a NASCAR race, but our "romance" time is under a yellow flag. So there are cars - they are going around the track - but nothing really exciting is happening.

So that was my request. My wife decided to attempt to deliver on Saturday - that way if we had to abort the launch we still had Sunday. Things were going well - my oldest kid didn't take a nap. That meant he would go to sleep by 8pm. The other kid is just a baby - I figured we can make him do our bidding. By about 7pm I was giddy like it was prom night. (I started talking smack to the condoms, "OH you bitches are in trouble tonight... yeah that's right, as many as one of you is going to get used!") At 7pm the baby woke up, WTF? What does that mean? When will he go to bed? What about my movie and the snuggling etc?? My wife assured me he'd ge to sleep by 10pm. The other kid fell asleep half way through a bite of his hamburger. "Mommy I can... sleepy...." (he just leaned over and fell asleep on his mom). [I look menacingly at the baby - I give him the "why can't you be more like your brother?" look]

At a little before 10pm my wife takes the baby up to go to bed. I figure it is time to prep the house. I grab a fist full of condoms and start putting them in strategic places. I figure the spark could ignite anywhere and I need one nearby, "one by the washing machine, one by the couch, here in the shower, one over here..." I was like some Safe-Sex Easter Bunny. Then the fireworks start (before you get grossed out : keep reading) I mean literal fireworks. The "2nd Annual Duct Tape Festival" happened 1 mile from my house (I shit you not). And these red-necks had fireworks. My wife calls to me. [whispers], "I told the boy he could watch the fireworks - but he fell asleep - can you camcord them for him?" [Houston, we have a problem - we may have just gotten the abort code].

I dutifully head outside and record the longest Goddamn fireworks show ever!! I head back inside after the ending (I don't know how to spell Grand finally... finale?) My wife is still feeding the baby. It is past 10:30 - so the movie and snuggling are out, but I figure the other part (you know which one) may still have legs. Okay, a few minutes to ready. I grab a lighter and a few candles from the "candle drawer". I dash up into the bathroom. I put a few candles on the sink and then place a few in the shower. Hmmm... that looks about right - sets the right mood - perfect. I go to the baby's room and peak in to see what the deal is. He is out cold, my wife is glued to the movie "The Bone Colllector" - Goddammit!!! She makes some gesture that means the baby has only been asleep for 1 nanosecond (yeah right).

I head back to the Master Bedroom and she is right behind me. She says, "You left the light on in the bathroom." (she can see the light through the cracked door). She opens it and sees the candles. She smiles (so okay - I've still got it). I propose a team shower - to which she agrees (nice). Because we have kids and a hectic schedule - we actually have to do the functional part of the showering (neither of us had taken a shower during the day). So we get all clean and then I figure it is time to get dirty!! We just start to kiss when I hear a pitter-patter sound. WTF? I peak out of the shower curtain, on one end as my wife peaks out the other end. "Hi mommy... hi daddy!" My kid is ridiculously cute - so I can't help but laugh. He has *never* gotten up at this time before. let alone seek us out in the shower. Well that breaks up the match. A rain delay is called and my wife gets the boy some milk and takes him off to bed. While she was gone - I thought about sitting and blogging about the event so I could avoid details about what happened after the boy fell asleep. But I didn't. So I am blogging now - but this is all of the details you get.

Denied

2005-06-16T17:17:00.000-04:00

I got up this morning and was pleased to see that our QTip canister was full again!!! (We don't use the package - we ditch that and put them in a plastic canister). I figure since it's been a few days a little fore-play is in order - but I can't wait and I just thrust the QTip into my ear. It is 1 nanosecond before I realize things are horribly wrong. There isn't enough cotton and the stick bends a little bit. I search the garbage frantically for the package... no luck.

I get to work and my wife calls to give me the morning update on the boys. "They are so cute, they both..." [I cut her off].
me - "You bought generic QTips - didn't you?!"
her - "what?"
me - "The QTips you got - they are not QTip brand (tm) are they?"
her - "Wha..? How the hell can you even tell"
me - "Oh, I can tell - let me read you my blog from this morning" (I read her the blog)
her - "You're an idiot"

So we are going to get divorced. I am taking applications for women that want to get up on this sexiness.
1 owner, low milage...

Personal high-gene

2005-06-15T07:54:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one that practically has an orgasm when using QTips? Why does it feel so damn good? I am like one of those rats with the button that gives them a jolt of "pleasure" and they keep hitting it and eventually starve. That could be me - they might find me dead on the floor with a QTip in my hand. Man I love them - unfortunately we ran out this week and we need more.

I am generally not a snob - I drive a pretty unpretentious car etc. So generic does't bother - except in 2 cases.
(1) Cereal - generic cereal can suck my ass (and in fact it does)
(2) QTips - only the actual QTip ^(tm) brand will do. The other fake brands are shitty and the cotton falls off and you jab your eardrum with the bendy stick that is left.

Buy one - get one

2005-06-14T06:24:00.000-04:00

In July of 2002 I had my first kid. I think something changed inside me on that day. No not the sense of awesome responsibility to raise a good person into the world. No my responsibility was to keep my kid from collecting up every germ on earth and shoving them into his mouth.

Seriously - what's the deal?

[baby thought] "Look a rusty nail - I'll pick that up and lick it and maybe jab it into my ... Daddy!!! Give that back!! WAH!!"

Yesterday we had to go to the Doctor's. In my pre-kid days this was an event not even worth blogging about But now when I am at the Dr. it is like the walls are alive. I can feel the germs crawling *everywhere* they are trying to get my kids. I am like the guy that has a bad LSD trip and thinks bugs are crawling on him - or snakes, snakes!

When I was young (before I had kids) I never had fears like this. I never thought about germs. I'd drop a piece of pizza on the floor, scoop it up and start eating it again. I'd hang out with people who were sick without any fear at all. I'd bang hookers without protection - I'd shoot-up with unclean needles. Basically I was not a germaphobic, youth-stealing freak. But now I am.

So I am in the waiting room with my kid (with a possible ear infection). That's right - the comletely benign and non-communicable ear infection. But I am eyeing the other kids like they have the plague. [inner monologue] "Okay, buddy stay away from that kid... and THAT one. Look at the river of snot coming out of that little fucker. Hey lady! Kleenex - you've heard of those - right? Buddy, don't pick that up! don't pick.... shit! How many kids have touched that. [my body shudders involuntarily]. " The toy box in the waiting room should have that biohazard symbol on it. I look at the community toys like they are dipped in fucking Ebola. But my kid just grabs them and licks his arm. So I am sure by this time tomorrow my kid will have about 6 other ailments like, chicken pox, a cold, scurvy - shit I have no idea what was on those toys...

Two things

2005-06-13T10:03:00.000-04:00

(1) Jesus H. Christ it fucking smells SO f'ing bad at the end of my floor. I am not attempting to overstate this smell, literally the only way I can think to replicate it would be to get diarhea in a frying pan. Then cooking it on high heat until it starts burning. I know you think I am exagerating - but that is EXACTLY what it smells like. I feel like I have to puke every time I walk by there.

(2) If you know me - you know other than shots my biggest fear is eating alone. I have some weird phobia about it. I think everyone is staring at me and feeling sympathy. STOP LOOKING AT ME!! Anyway, that is why it is so nice to have such a great group of lunch buddies; Erik, Sarah, John and Wayne.... who are all out of the office today???!!?!?!@ Seriously, what the fuck people!?! I will break this fucking Shift key off my computer with !!!??!?!!??'s. Dammit. I know I am just going to sit at my desk and eat... alone... like a total loser. Way to fuck me guys.

Diagonal Parkers

2005-06-09T17:38:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that I have been blogging for 5 months and this hasn't come up. Diagonal Parkers - you know who I am talking about - right? You go the grocery store and the cars are all as close as possible to the front door of the store - all of them but one. It's a 2001 Honda Civic that is as far from the door as possible. It is a $14,000 car with $13,000 worth of shit strapped to it. Tinted windows, fart pipes (sound it sounds like a lawn mower passing you), spoiler, ground effects, "CIVIC" written across the whole back window (as if this is some fucking badge of honor), some fucking ugly windshield wipers, etc. Oh and it is parked so that it takes up 4 parking spaces. So help me I will fucking destroy your 19-year-old ass. So you've doubled the cost of your car - but it is still slower than my parents mini-van. Nice work dick.

If I am ever terminally ill and "Make a Wish" Foundation asks me what I want ... like a lapdance from Kathy Ireland or something. I'll say no. I want a Armored Personnel Carrier with a battle ram. Then I am going to go from grocery store to shitty grocery store destroying every pimped-out Neon, Cavalier and Accord I can find. Man that would be awesome!!! (I mean not being terminally ill - but the wrecking shop on diagonally parking a-rods).

Holy effing hot

2005-06-06T15:28:00.000-04:00

I retract my doubts about the whole "Global Warming" thing. It is mother fucking hot outside right now. I almost died yesterday. Here's the deal. I used to be on the swim team, in high school. I was 180lbs and 6'4" (that is pretty thin). I could swim like an M'Fer and was in great aerobic shape. I have since gained 60lbs (I weigh 240 for the math challenged). So 240 and 6'4" - if you look at the "Am I going to have a heart attack today?" chart I am in the yellow section. So not great but decent (you know for an American Gen. x'er).

Well when I take off my white T-shirt the most note worthy thing isn't my slight paunch that hangs over my belt - its the fact that it still looks like I have a white T-shirt on. I have a farmer's tan from way back. I rarely take my shirt off where I can be seen (you know - in view of the sun). This has to do with some weird body image things that only girls should have.

Anynugget it was about 4,000 dergrees at Chez-Scott yesterday and I was working in the sun. So I had to make a big decision. Sweat my nuts off or lose my shirt. I told Sarah that in my head there is a complex matrix/cost benefit analysis that tells me when it is socially acceptable to take my shirt off. I tried to draw this out for you - but Stephen Hawking and I are the only ones on earth that can comprehend this 4 dimentional theoretical mathematical matrix. So I am giving you the dumbed down version. (To Shamus : I will try to build one that uses Celsius so you can understand too).

Smokers.... you stink

2005-06-03T13:39:00.000-04:00

Listen - there are 2 things I know to be true.
(1) If you have a cat your house smells. I had a cat over a year ago and my house still smells
(2) If you smoke - you stink

Most of the general public will kind of let it slide, instead of recoiling and gagging like we want to when we have to ride the elevator with you. Chewing a stick of Freedent doesn't make your clothes not smell like shit. Being stuck in a car or in an elevator is the worst. I wish smells were visible so I could see the big cloud of nasty and just take another elevator.

I saw Star Wars Episode 3 (awesome) and the guy in front of me had to leave to smoke - twice!! Are you fucking kidding me? You can't make it 2 hours? Each time he'd be gone for 10 minutes and come back smelling like mechanic's break room.

I love to watch the smokers twitch and squirm after the plane lands and then sits on the runway. That's right you fuckers - you have to wait a little longer for that sweet nicotine. "Removal or destrucion of the lavatory fire detector is a violation of Federal law." What? Are you serious - we need a federal law to prevent people from vandalizing fucking planes - THAT is how bad they need a cigarette?

The other gem of the smoking world is the "smoking rooms" at hotels. Jesus H. it smells like burning nutsack in those rooms. It is f'ing awesome - wait no it isn't. It sucks it bad and makes me want to suicide myself.

Left-over guilt

2005-06-02T20:31:00.000-04:00

Something is wrong with me (not something that prevents me from blogging - that's just plain laziness). I have some weird issue that prevents me from opening some kind of food if something else is already open.... ah christ this makes no fucking sense. If there is a box of cereal open - I can't bring myself to open a new one until I have completely finished the first box. The first box could be shitty generic bullshit-O's and I will choke them down until they are gone before I but out the Cocoa-Puffs.

Here's the other weird thing - since I was a toddler I have always loved adult cereals. Special K was my favorite all throughout grades school when other kids were trying to steal sugar cereal from a hapless fucking leprachaun (I have no interest what-so-ever in looking up how to spell that).

Okay - its been like 3 weeks and I don't want to over do it - I'm done.

My name is Nancy - nice to meet you

2005-05-19T07:52:00.000-04:00

So I am basically a big wuss. I am terrified of getting shots. I went about 15 years shot free from 1990 - 2005. I always thought - I bet tetanus is not nearly as bad as getting a shot. Flu? I can take the flu - that's like a bad cold - right? Why do I need a shot to avoid that? I mean sometimes the shot gives you the flu - right? And I am not just a wimp now - I have been a wimp my whole life. When I was about 10 I got a splinter in my foot. I spent all day telling my parents to take it out - then when they got the needle out - I'd flap my arms and run away screaming. Finally, my dad just sat on me and they dug gthe splinter out.

You'd think my kids would be little Nance's too - but they are not - they are like their mom. She shoved both of them out (one of them has a head that is bigger than yours - and he was 2' 1" and 10lbs 10oz). While our second kid was still gooey - she was like, "okay, we can have another." WTF?

My kid is even more amazing. One day I walked into the bathroom while he was in the tub. He handed me something - a piece of wood - about the length of my pinky nail. "What's this bub? Where did you find this?" He lifts his foot out of the water and shows me his foot - there is a wound the size of the splinter. HOLY FUCK my dad had to sit on me - but my kid just yanks it out on his own! Like I mentioned - I went like 15 years shot free. But as a kid you get lots of shots. So my kid gets ear infections like once a week. But we never know it - because he never complains - EVER. So we end up at the doctor after he throws up! (like from the disorientation of severe middle ear inflammation). The doctor is always like, "man that looks angry" as he looks into his ear. Why is my kid an Ironman? So he had ear infections for about a month straight. We went through varying levels of drugs. Finally the doctor was like, "well we can do a series of shots - to clear it up." It was 2 shots a day for three days!!! That was 6 TIMES the number of shots I have had since Reagan was president!! So they gave him the shots - if his language was advanced enough he would have said, "bring that weak shit!" He just took it like a fucking man (not like his old man).

Well, the shots didn't work. So they had to give him tubes in his ears. At the same time he had a procedure to cut the little "fin" of skin that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. His connected too far out to the tip and would impede language (and making out with chicks - something his old man IS good at). So he goes under and gets his ear drums lanced and his tongue hacked. We are braced for the worst. Expecting to need to use lots of pain medication and be on a diet of water.

He wakes up from surgery.... "I want crackers" So we start breaking up little pieces of graham cracker. He reaches over and grabs a whole cracker and shoves it in his mouth. He just mounges it down. He never mentioned the surgery or the tongue or any pain. I would have been on the couch whining for a week - minimum.

So I'm a nancy girl - and my kid is tougher than me.

Fuck you Jared

2005-05-12T09:23:00.000-04:00

Anyway - I once had a post about ChapStick and I realized the person that needs ChapStick the most is Jared (that fucker from Subway). Next time you watch a commercial for Subway look at Jared's face - his lips are so dry they are withering away and exposing his big ol head full'a teeth. It's like when he lost 180 lbs , 70 of it was from his lips.

And Jared does not make me want to eat food. He makes me want to beat the living shit out of someone. If they were selling punching bags or something to get blood out of the carpet - maybe he'd be the right guy, but he doesn't make me want to eat. Same thing goes for that M'Fing oven mitt at Arby's. Jesus I hate that thing and any commercials it is in.

I'd love to see a fight to the death between those 2. Winner takes all!

I won't have sex with you

2005-05-11T14:35:00.000-04:00

I am pretty sure I am incapable of cheating on my wife. At a conscious level I know she is awesome and pretty and super funny and nice. But even at a sunconscious I won't cheat on my wife. I can remember at least 4 or 5 dreams I've had where women have propositioned me (this rarely happens in real life). Anyway in each case I attempt to gently let down the lady caller. WTF? How much of a whipped p**sy am I? I won't cheat on my wife in my freakin dream! I wake up and I am always pissed at myself. Nice work fag - way to turn down Pam Anderson! God, I piss me off.

Back to basics

2005-05-10T16:11:00.000-04:00

Let's see I am pissed about a few things - but I figure flying is next on the roster.

Why can't the flight attendant let the strap to the mask touch their hair? I mean they theatrically pull the elastic band but never actually put it on their head. What if someone dies because they think that is how it stays on?
Hey fucktard - I am 6 foot 4 and about 240lbs - I know this is shocking but I can drink and entire can of soda. So lets just leave the can with me - kapeesh?
When it gets really bumpy during turbulance I like to put my arms in the air like I am on a rollercoaster (while other people get into the crash position)
"Good morning from the flight deck - I am first office McGibbins and I am with your Captain, Captain Jones" - Oh this is valuable fucking information to me. I *always* turn to the person beside me and go, "Jones - I've heard of him - he's good!" (they tyically scramble for reading material figuring I am going to be chatty the whole time)
Hey when I pull my book to my face and make a *huge* production about marking my spot each time that some thought pops into your head -- you know... like its inconveniencing me? It's because IT'S INCONVENIENCING ME - SHUT THE FUCK UP - I am reading here! I don't know you or like you!
Just because you can use your cell phone does not mean that you have to use it. You aren't that important - that you need to make a call 1 nanosecond after it is allowed.
If you are in 37g you don't have to stand the second the plane stops. So that you stand all hunched over like a fucking idiot question mark for about 15 minutes. Oh and don't stare at me as I sit patiently in 36g reading my book. You see - I will notice when the line is moving and get up - IN 15 MINUTES!
My kid isn't going to cry stop staring at him with dagger eyes or I will fucking punch you.
That is my arm rest - back the fuck off!
I know exact change is appreciated - you're gay

That felt good.

It will get better (to all of my female friends that ever got shit on by a guy)

2005-05-10T11:00:00.000-04:00

GUNS' N' ROSES LYRICS

"Estranged"

When you're talkin to yourself
And nobody's home
You can fool yourself
You came in this world alone
(Alone)

So nobody ever told you baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
ONE, TWO

Old at heart but I'm only 28
And I'm much too young
To let love break my heart
Young at heart but it's getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart

I don't know how you're s'posed
To find me lately
An what more could tou ask from me
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I musn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out

Still talkin' to myself
and nobody's home
(Alone)

So nobody ever told us baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see

When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
An you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for

Well I jumped into the river
Too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
'Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything We've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die

I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time- Oh this time
Without you

I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die

The governments secret plan for peace in the Middle East

2005-05-09T09:36:00.000-04:00

Year after year - admistration after administration the US has been unable to foster a lasting Peace in the Middle East. Clinton tried for years - to no avail. He even proposed a bold plan in which the US would tow the Middle East up along side the Mid-West. The Middle Easterns would see W. Virginia, Kentucky and Ohio and realize that what they had wasn't so bad. This plan was about to go into action when the Monica thing blew up in his face.

So the Buch team has a new approach - one that was put into motion by the first George Bush. Oh this was a masterstroke. Bush 1's team had determined that the way to combat violence and fighting was..... boobies (see my previous post for details). Yes boobies. The plan has taken YEARS to fully *mature*. Here are the important details.

They had to find top prospects early on. School pyshicals and the "Presidential Fitness Award" were used as a cover to find girls that were maturing early on. In 1990 and 1991 a nationwide screen was deployed to find 5th grade girls who were
(1) physically fit
(2) smart
(3) A D-cup

Now it was imperitive to find the D-Cups in fifth grade. The training and mind control had to start early. The candidates were further narrowed to girls with lots of weapons experience (like b-b gun fighting and hunting). This skill was needed in case things went south.

Step 2 was to get these girls physically addicted to Chili-Cheese Dogs. That's right - this was imparative.

Step 3 was to get these girls jobs with major defense contractors buiding backpack sized stealth planes. (Oh and get the younger Bush elected president).

So these Alias type ladies are in place. Here's how it'll go down.

Their supply of Chili-Cheese goodness will be suddely cut completely off. They will start to have withdrawl. Agent 'Neesher will leave a note that says - "relocated to Middle East". This will anger the women and then they will give into their needs. Since they build backpack aircraft the cravings will be too much. They will steal a craft and fly it to the Middle East (playing right into the government's hands). As dozens of these craft descend the Middle Easterners will be awed by the burkha free chests of the American beauties. Fighting will stop immediately (the technology was proven at a concert in Western, NY in 1992). Yes - it will be done. Boobs will set them free. (I am not actually sure how the government plans to get the boobs out from hiding - but I have heard scattered reports of flimsy and unsupportive bras. I am sure these wouldn't survive a flight to the Middle East).

Guns and Roses

2005-05-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

[This is going to be long for me - but it is a pretty good story. Thanks to Erik for convincing me to post it].

It was July of 1992. I was between 11^th and 12^th grade. My future wife was going off to college (about 2 hours away). A bunch of my other friends were going to college. My friend Jack was going off to the Army. Well Jack, Eric, Scott and I got tickets to see Guns and Roses and Metallica 07/25/92 at Rich Stadium in Buffalo. I had never been to a concert, let alone a double headline massive stadium tour concert.

We left our home town pretty early for the 1 hour trek. The whole way in we listened to the radio and they played GnR and Metallica non-stop. We were totally pumped. We got to the stadium and proceeded to the field (oh yeah we had general admin seats on the ground). The opening act was Faith No More (I can't believe this concert didn't have a 'palooza at the end of it). We were about 35 yards from the stage for FNM. They played a few songs - most of which I knew. They were a good opening act.

After FNM there was a set change to get 'tallica set up. Well they came out and starting rocking that mother fucker. They were touring in support of their Metallica (Black) Album. So I knew a lot of that stuff and some of their more well played older stuff. When they played "One" - it was AWESOME!!! They had a huge screen behind them and there were lots of visuals. (If I was Johnny V. I could paint this picture with my words - but just trust me it was awesome). They closed up with "Seek and Destroy" - they get the crowd chanting Seek and Destroy!!! The crowd is in a TOTAL frenzy. Moshing is out of control. We have move to about 15 yards from the stage - and we are getting knocked around by throngs of humanity. Metallica exits. We all start talking to each other about how awesome that was and how awesome GnR is going to be (I was/am a HUGE GnR fan [I am listening to them right now]).

[This gets better keep reading]

I feel a tap on my shoulder - it is Brandy D (the hottest girl in my school by far). I had no idea she was there and she found me in a crowded stadium. I was surprised she even knew my name (but there were only 300 people in my entire high school).
"Hey Scott - I lost Jeram - can you help me?"
"Sure." (I think I might have almost blacked out from a sudden transfer of blood).
"Can I sit on your shoulders and look around?"
(I wanted to work in some clever - you can do it if you face backwards type comment - but I managed) "Sure"
Well Brandy found Jeram - so I had to put her back down. But it is official that I got between Brandy's legs - for all of theose keeping score at home.

Well that took up about 4 minutes of the hour+ set change for GnR. It was annoying to wait - and the crowd was pretty fired up still. Well in traditional Buffalo style - people filled the time by beating the shit out of each other. We saw a few fights break out in the stands. Then more - then more - then more... Then things went airborne. The sky was suddenly alive with objects. Shoes, bottles, cups, shirts, tampons - hell everything. It looked like Hitchcock's "The Birds". The crew and I formed a circle and we would block shit from hitting each other. I am sure some girl somewhere was saying, "You guys quit it - quit being jerks!"

Well the melee was full go - I thought in a best case they would cancel the show and in a worst case I was going to get tear gassed by the National Guard. There was no way to calm the crowd. There was an infinitely reusable supply of objects to throw and people were getting more pissed at each other and at waiting. I got hit by a lighter, a shoe and a few cups (no tampons though). I thought *maybe* FNM will come out and sing and save the day - but the stage was still in disarray and the best they would be able to do is some improvised acoustic. No, we were fucked and I was going to miss GnR "Eric look out - shoe!"

As the chaos grew worse (we could see dozens of fights in the stands) the jumbotron lit up. It was fully zoomed in on a SUPER hot girl. She yanks up her top. Like automotons the entire crowd wheels and looks. All objects in flight complete their ballistic tradgectory and land. Guys stop punches in mid-air. Peace breaks out everywhere. (They need some hot boobies in the Middle East apparently). [This is a geeky reference - but I have a geek score of 86 so...] It was like when the droid control ship gets blown up in Star Wars Episode 1 and the droids just stop fighting - all of them - at the same time.

Well the camera crew starts panning around and guys start loading hotties onto their shoulders for everyone's viewing pleasure. (Where is Brandy now? When I need her most???) At one point the camera pulls up on a blonde and she is hot. We are jumping up and down and screaming "Take it off!!" I realize that the arm on camera is moving exactly as I do. I wiggle my fingers and so does the hand on the screen. I spin around just in time to see a perfect rack exposed about 3 feet behind me. (Again with the blood shift).

At some point they zoom in on a 500+ lb woman eating ice cream in the stands. People start screaming, as if they were showing a baby seal being clubbed. the lady makes like seductive eyes and then starts hoisting her enourmous shirt. We are screaming "NO, GOD please NO!!" The camera mercifully cut away just in time.

Well GnR came out and totally fucking kicked ass in ways that I can't describe with words. It was fucking AWESOME!!!!!

3rd hand

2005-05-05T09:43:00.000-04:00

Toren is consantly perplexed by her dog's incescant [I can't spell and I don't give a fuck] nut licking. Even when she throws objects at him - he heads back in for more ball-lapping-goodness. I know ShopDung is supposed to be the answer guy - but I got this one covered. Your dog licks his balls because he can't scratch them. See nature - in it's cruel twists of evolution has made it so your pup can't get a paw where he needs it most. So he has to go for the next best thing to scratching - that is licking. Also - for this same reason dogs can't wank it - hence all of the leg humping.

As a male of a different species - I can attest to that fact that whatever material nutbag is made out of it itches or needs adjustment 97% of the time - 97%!!!! The fact that the dog stops when the shoe hits him frankly amazes me. When I get home from work I [where I have been adjustment free for hours] I go after my bag like a circus monkey. It's like working in the leather of a new baseball glove - you just have to work it around until it feels right.

I am a strong believer in evolution. I thing that we are slowly on a biological course where males will grow a 3rd hand - somewhere in the thigh region. Think of all of the amazing things we could accomplish if we weren't roaming around the house in a wife-beater and shorts with a hand jammed down the front all the time. I bet I could cure cancer if one of my hand wasn't constantly being distracted.

I am too retarded to catch up

2005-05-04T12:01:00.000-04:00

I was in training last week - so I couldn't blog. But even worse - I couldn't read blogs!!! Well, here is the deal. I read at a 4th grade level (Alabama 4th grade - not one of the good states). So catching up is really hard. My favorite blog is 15 Minute Lunch - I love to read it - but goddammit Johnny V. can pump out content. I did some calculations (My SAT math was 210 points higher than my verbal) and I have determined that unless Johnny V. dies - I will not be able to catch up. This is unlikely - because he is all fit and healthy and stuff and I just ate a butter slathered roll, 3 cookies and a bucket of potato cheese soup. So I am going to die and never read all of the funny shit. If you read Johnny V.'s stuff please feel free to post highlights as responses to this post. Then I will feel connected again.

My eyes are shit brown

2005-05-03T16:33:00.000-04:00

I avoid talking about easily identifiable characterstics - so people I work with can't figure out I am me and fire me (I mean the illiteracy is not conclusive - but people that know me know English is not really my deal). But I have to tell you one thing about me for this story. I have brown eyes. My sister says I have "shit green eyes" (She loves me a lot - can you feel it?) Anyway - they are brown - but today they became more brown...

I went into the bathroom on my floor. I headed into stall #3 (the farthest from the door). I see that someone hasn't flushed - or put the seat down (a side note - I really couldn't give a shit about if the seat is up or down. Why can't women just look and adjust accordingly?) So in one economical motion I bend over and flush as I flip the lid down. Well - our company has toilet's designed by Pratt and Whitney - they literally form a shit tornado when flushed. Well I am bent over and my face is right above the eye of the storm. "Fluid" was jettisoned straight up and hit me in the face and eye!!! I am pretty sure I am going to die - so this may be my last post. Farewell cruel world!!

I want to pee - not do calculus

2005-04-27T10:16:00.000-04:00

I ate at Outback the other night. Their bathrooms aren't "Men" , "Women" - or just a picture of man and a person in a skirt. At Outback it is "Blokes" and "Sheilas". Isn't that cute - really gets you into the Aussie spirit. Well due to "Crocadile Dundee" (and sobriety) I am able to figure out which of these to go to. However, I have been to other theme restaurants - and been totally wasted. At that point sometimes it's not always so clear. "Wrens" and "Drakes" or some such shit at a restaurant will totally fuck with your head. I mean you are drunk and have to piss and you are trying to figurew out which one indicates "there are urinals in here!!" I think there needs to be a law banning these things - or a law that says I am not responsible for pissing on your floor*

* I have a good "floor pissing" story. I'll tell it later - unless I forget - or decide not to.

There's some fine print for ya

2005-04-25T07:31:00.000-04:00

When you went to school did they have a "ditto" machine? The ditto machine (maybe that's just what we called it) was like a welfare copier. It copied stuff - but it came out blue. I have no idea why they used that and not an actual copier - but I digress.

Anyway, maybe my ditto copy of the "How Global Warming Works" is a little fuzzy. But what the fuck? For real I am sure I remember some doom and gloom stuff about the earth getting hotter. I am sure it is in here somewhere. Ah I found it, "Due to fat lazy Americans, their cars and massive amounts of hairspray the earth is getting hotter and we are all going to die." Well maybe there is a new edition of this piece of shit - but just so they have some more data - parts of Cleveland got 18 inches of snow yesterday. That's right - on fucking April 24th - 1.5 feet of snow.

Well, there are 2 possibilities :
(1) This global warming thing is a bunch of hooey
(2) We aren't doing enough

I'd like to focus on (2). I think that the science is valid - so the issue is that we are not doing enough. Well I like it warm in April - so here is what you can do to help.

Leave your car running. From now on when I am at work I am going to leave my car in the parking lot idling
Use heroic amounts of CFC enriched hairspray
Support bill HR-43342 which demands the hair metal bands of the 80's go back on tour and make big hair "cool again"
Buy some coal and burn it for no reason
Eat lots of 1/2 pound bean Burritos at Taco Bell

If we can't do this together - pull together to warm this M'Fer up.... well then the terrorist have won.

Heroes

2005-04-22T08:56:00.000-04:00

So I added a new section of links over there -->
This is the heroes section. It is for US soldiers that are blogging from Iraq. If you don't agree with our government or its international policies that is your right as an American. However, if you carry this contempt to our soldiers in the field... well its time to get the fuck out of my blog. I can't kick your ass or kick you out of the country (both of which I'd like to do)- but kindly hit the "next blog" button in the upper right and get the fuck out of here.

I have such a huge amount of admiration for these men (I'll add women if I find any) and what they do. See I have some guilt in my life for not ever serving in the military. I think it is the most honorable and American thing you can do and I never did it. The closest I could come was to name my first born for a friend that served in the military. Oh and scream like an absolute fucking maniac during all jet fly-bys at sporting events. You know the pilots love that.

Smallville

2005-04-21T13:44:00.000-04:00

In my post from yesterday I was talking about how the virgin Mary appears in pancakes and screen doors and stuff. So I got thinking, "how come Joseph never appears anywhere?" Then I had a more profound thought (I am *NOT* religious and I am super ignorant on this stuff - so I am left to pagan speculation) "Was Joseph even important? I mean is he worthy of God marring a perfectly good bridge support?" Let's dig deeper....

I think "Smallville" is about Superman when he was a teenager (I don't watch it so I am not sure). I think it would be cool to have a show like that - but with Jesus. Like "Jesus the Teen Years" I mean I am sure he was a really good kid - but he had to pull some stuff every once in a while.

[Joseph walks into the house]
[One of Jesus's friends is leaving with a big smile on his face - he is carrying a carafe]
[Jesus sits on the couch. Sandals up on the coffee table]
Joseph - "Who was that?"
JC - "That's one of my buddies"
Joseph - "He looked under age - you didn't turn water into wine for him... did you??"
JC - "Lay off man - he just wanted to get a quick buzz"
Joseph - "Jesus I am tired of having to constantly watch over you, the other day Mrs. Caligus said she saw you standing on the surface of her pool trying to peek into her daughter's window."
JC - "That wasn't me!"
Joseph - "JESUS! Don't you lie to me boy. I will take you over my knee!"
JC - "Lay off old man.... You're not my real dad anyway!"
(You know he had to go to that one pretty often)
[Joseph storms out]
[JC eats some Salt and Vinegar Prigles]

So I am going to hell - but this is the stuff I think about.

Are you kidding me?

2005-04-20T11:05:00.000-04:00

Just read this headline and look at the picture (I'll wait here for a minute.....). C'mon people!! If God is all powerful and can let his kid walk on water and be born without intercourse* is he going to show himself by staining a bridge abutment? Just like it says in Deuteronomy, "and the lord will cast light upon the land and his power will be visible to man. His glory will radiate on man - and you will know this day when he makes a stain on some bridge in Chicago" WTF? I mean everyone knows that God typically works in tortilla or birth marks - but not concrete. Concrete is a tough medium to work in - even for the all mighty. Generally Mary is chillin' on a knot of wood or something.

Let's see I have unlimited power - but I will show myself where bums stop to take a dump.

* - how much would this suck in the modern world. You go on a few dates but don't have sex. Your girlfriend gets pregnant (immaculant conception) but you assume she is cheating. Her parents disown her for being a lying whore - and you dump her ass. I guess Immaculant Conception is frowned upon a lot more now than back in the day.

Lookin' for porn in all the wrong places

2005-04-19T07:17:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid we didn't have the Internet on all these fancy computers. Back then if you wanted porn you had to go find it - it wasn't going to just pop into your Livingroom at 1024 x 768. So from a young age I can remember several adventures for porn. I think these are in chronological order (I can't remember the specific dates however).

Kenny Smith's fort - (note name not changed - Kenny won't mind). There was an older kid that lived at the end of my street named Kenny. Kenny had this awesome tree fort - but we weren't really allowed in it (because we were much younger). At some point we must have snuck in and discovered Kenny had a Playboy!!! Holy crap - this was my first exposure to the nude female form.... and I liked it. Some people ask me, "Scott, did you become heterosexual? Or do you think you were born that way?" (A fair question). Well I don't know the answer - but man I liked what I saw!! I can remember one of the pictures clearly. A lady with a snake on her shoulders. If that lady stood in a lineup of 1,000 other women I could pick her out to this day (if she took off her top and put a snake on her shoulders - oh and if she wasn't like 65 now).

Ben Smith's dad's sock drawer - Ben Smith's (name not changed) dad had a stash of Playboys in his sock drawer. One day while over at Ben's he announced this fact and then proceeded to raid the stash. We perused quite a few hotties and didn't get caught - nice!

My dad's "dirty" magazines - As a gag gift, for his birthday, my dad's friend gave him a box that was proudly labelled "Dirty Magazines". Well it was all a big tease! They were actual nudie mags but Pete had put mud in all of the pages... get it? Dirty? Dammit Pete!!! You are wasting quality porn here!!!!

V&S magazine rack - In my town there was a store called V&S Variety. They sold penny candy and Garbage Pail Kids (awesome) [Garbage Pail Kids started selling in 1985 - so figure I am 10 at this point]. They also had a big magazine rack. In the rack were lots of comics - but also nudie-mags. Well, we were clever 10 year olds. We would pick up a comic and then put a nudie-mag inside. We could look at real naked chicks and no one knew!! Well maybe they knew and didn't care - either way - it ruled!

Playboy channel (part 1) - At some point my parents got cable. Well back in the day scrambling technology was a little lacking. So the image would be a little wobbly - but the sound was unaffected. Well - "uh uh uh ahhhh oooohh" sounds the same if the picture is wobbly or not.

Playboy channel (part 2) - Well a kid in the neighborhood, Chuck (name not changed), had taken this to the next level. At his house the cable box had an A/B button. If you pressed it really fast it descrambled the picture. Holy shit! Live nude women! I mean you'd have carple tunnel from hitting the button like 400/minute - but it was worth it.

Playboy channel (part 3) - This is the pinnacle of my childhood porn life. My friend Jack (real name) calls me and says, "GO TO 35!" I flip to channel 35. It is the Playboy channel - but for some reason there is no scrambling what-so-ever!! It is coming in clear as day. Well I kept my thumb on the channel up button (in case someone walked in) but for a glorious hour I saw uninterrupted porn!!! It was the greatest day of my life (I mean besides getting married and having kids and all of the other stuff you are supposed to say).

ChapStick

2005-04-16T12:37:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what the deal with ChapStick is - but I am totally addicted to it. I have ChapStick in my car, in the bathroom, in the livingroom - it's everywhere! I need it close by - because when I get that "not so moist" feeling I need to lube up. I think the makers of ChapStick put something in there that makes you chemically dependent on it. Once you start you can't stop. "Let's make strawberry or bubblegum flavor - something to get them hooked young." Screw Phillip Morris - the government needs a class action suit against ChapStick. They are targeting children!!!! Here is the weirdest thing about ChapStick - I used to only need it in the winter - now I need it almost year round. Damn you ChapStick!!!! If I forget it, like at a football game, I feel like my lips are going to fall off!

My roomate in college was Indian (from Indian - not the Indians from America). He *never* got chapped lips. WTF?!? How is that possible? He skied and stuff - yet no chapped lips. Clearly the Indians are genetically superior and will enslave the white race at some point. They'll just buy up all of the ChapStick companies and then jack up the price and we will be their bitches!!

What is that smell?

2005-04-15T08:36:00.000-04:00

So people seem to really like the pissed off Scott more than the other one. Mark refers to them as, "the introspective 'me and my nutbag' Scott, and the pissed off Scott" Well once I vent in some post I am usually happy for a day or two - so pissed off Scott can't come out and play today.

If you ever read Erik's blog he is constantly trying to find the source of various smells around Cleveland. Well there is a stank today - but I know the source.... It's me.

Normally I wear two shirts, an undershirt and a button-up shirt. That is what i have on today. Well... One of these shirts stinks. It's not a B.O. stank or something I spilled. No it's more subtle. The stank was totally undetectable when I got dressed this morning - you see this funk is body heat activated (like Degree antipersperant). Here's the deal one of these shirts got left in the washing machine. I am not sure how long it sat there... wet and clung to the side... but is was a while. Anyway somehow that combination of dark, wet and compacted = funk. It is a nasty funk and I get to smell it all day long. If you've ever had this issue you know it sucks the big one. WTF? Aren't the shirts totally clean and in clean water just sitting there damp (yet totally clean)? Where does this total shit-smell emerge from?

Anyway - I have to suffer through this all day. Oh, and I have to go home and see if I can find shit that was in the same load as one of these shirts. Good times!

Super Size Me

2005-04-14T10:17:00.000-04:00

The main point of this blog is to bitch about how bad people piss me off. Well I've strayed a bit from my core purpose - but something I saw this morning yanked me right back. I was watching the news and there was a report about new research shows diets high in Soy and fish can reduce the risk of heart disease. Enough okay? Enough with the fucking research - we get it. Food that tastes good and is really awesome is not good for you. Ice Cream, Big Macs, mayo, Doughnuts, cheesecake all taste totally awesome and are all really bad for you. Fish livers, bean sprouts, turnips, lima beans all taste like total shit and are great for you. Stop fucking researching it!!

See our bodies have evolved over 100's of thousands of years. Most of that time was spent struggling for survival of the species. So our genetic code and instincts tell us to find foods that will keep us alive - perhaps for a long time without another meal. So we crave foods that have a high fat content (because our Medulla or some shit tells us that we may not be able to eat again for a long time). Our Cerebellum (or something) is where we can reason out that we will probably eat again and we should have Tofu and sprouts and not eat bacon wrapped steak.

But researchers and the news have to totally shove it in our face all the time. "Coming up our report that links cigarettes to anal cancer!" Holy fucking shit! Why are people researching this still? Cigarettes kill you, Big Macs kill you - fucking move on and research something I need. Like a device that will help me remember awesome blog posts that I think up while I am in traffic - but then forget before I get to a computer. Or a giant tarp that police can deploy when they pull someone over on the highway - the tarp would hide the cop (who is out of his fucking car and isn't watching your speed at all you fucking brake-jamming-dickwad) from other cars so they wouldn't rubber-neck and basically act like total fucking imbiciles.

Bait and Switch

2005-04-13T07:56:00.000-04:00

The best part about knocking a chick up is that you no longer have to worry about knocking that chick up. What I mean is once she is pregnant you no longer have to take precautions to prevent pregnancy. No pills, creams, gels, condoms, sponges, plugs, thermometers etc. You want to get some lovin' - you just go for it. So that's pretty awesome. After you have a kid you have to wait 6 weeks before the "Out of Order" sign comes down (this is understandable since one of my kids was over 10 lbs). Anyway, my wife breast feeds the baby. I, being a scholar of highschool Health, know that while breastfeeding a girl can't get pregnant. Awesome! I mean its like all of the unprotected sex - but none of the weird feelings that i might be poking my baby in the eye! Well here is where the bait and switch comes in. Oh, but wait! Apparently something that all gynocologists and mommies know is that you *can* get pregnant - I mean it is possible!!! WTF!! This is bullshit! Oh and the hormones in "the pill" are not good for breast feeding - so I have been reduced to condoms!!

[If you are under 18 please read the next line and then stop reading] Condoms are a fantastic contraceptive that can enhance your experience with your partner and protect you from STDs and pregnancy while not altrering the level of enjoyment for either partner. [okay kids stop reading]

[Adults] The line above is total fucking bullshit. Holy shit condoms suck. I can't even list the ways these things suck. Okay maybe I can. (1) They smell weird. (2) Even at age 30 I feel weird buying them. (3) The 3 minute break in the action to go put it on is the worst thing ever. (4) I can never tell which way it rolls out - so I have to inspect it for about 2 minutes before I can put it on. (5) You can't feel a thing. (If a guy/girl says it feels the same - errrrrr! wrong!) (6) I have broken 2 or 3 in my life - which makes for comfortable couple of weeks of waiting.

So I have this box of condoms (Trojan) and I have to admit - my wife bought it. But it is like an 18 pack - I don't want to get too personal - but the condoms have a shelf life of like 3 years. So that is like 6 condoms a year. I'm just saying I might be cutting it close to having some expire.

Back when pregnancy meant getting kicked out of the house I didn't use Trojans, I used "Gold Circle Coin". You see Consumer Reports did an test on condoms and those were rated the highest. They could consistently inflate to the size of a watermellon and not burst. I figure I might need that feature at some point. Anyway I am sick of condoms. Marriage shouldn't be about condoms. It should be about throw down - go crazy sex whenever someone decides they want it*

* when both kids are in bed, no one has a headache or a meeting or a level that the just have to beat or is tired or might have to wake up for the kids later or just finished volleyball or has to get up early or their back hurts.

NRB

2005-04-08T11:11:00.000-04:00

Before blogging there was college. College was the first forum where people just talked about anything and everything (like Blogging). For example, I had a friend Traci, one day she just goes, "I love doggy-style - best penetration." Very matter-of-factly. So apparently that made some kind of mark on me because I still remember - however I forgot whatever the teacher was saying.

So one time I was talking to my roomate. And we start talking about a phenomenon that we would later call NRB. You may have heard of it - it is in Urban Dictionary - so we didn't invent it - unless we did and then it made it to U.D. Anyway NRB is "No Reason Boner". This is a situation where, as a guy, you are doing nothing remotely sexual in nature and boing! It just jumps up to full salute. This is also know as "I don't want to go to the Black Board right now"itis. The condition afflicts men of all ages, races and religions. Please do not confuse this with jean boner. Jean boner can strike both genders. Jean boner is the thing when a weird fold of denim makes it look like you are sportin' major chub. NRB is when you are, in fact, sporting major chub - but for no reason.

It's like your junk decides to perform an emergency preparedness drill. "All hands! All hands!! This is a test - man your battlestations!! We are go for full salute in 15 seconds.. GO GO GO!!" You as the owner of said junk are unaware of the emergency drill schedule. Sometimes it can be at the worst times. When I in highschool I was on the swim team. This kid from the other team had NRB and he was standing on the starting blocks. He kept bending into the start position, but the starter (who could not see the front of him) kept saying, "swimmers up - we all have to come down together" So NRB boy has to stand (with only a Speedo on) and wait to be "allowed" to assume the starting position.

Anyway - females may not know that NRB is out there and that it can attack at any time. Females may know about morning-wood but that is a sort of specific offshoot of NRB and generally anyone in the bed with/near you has probably already seen the junk already (nicely done). So just a warning.

Fighting with the bouncer at Gerry's funeral

2005-04-07T13:17:00.000-04:00

John keeps writing these awesome posts about when he was a kid. I have lots of good kid stories too - but I want to write a story about now. This is totally unbelieveable - but totally true. A few disclaimers (1) all names have been changed. If my mom ever read this she'd kick my ass - but changing the names might allow her to stop at that. (2) my great uncle "Gerry" is dead - that is the start of the story - that is the least funny part.

So Gerry passed away a few months ago (don't ask lots of questions about the time of death versus the memorial date). He was my mom's uncle. My mom's side of the family is pretty crazy and this guy was the head of the craziest clan (he was pretty normal but his daughters are whack).
Daughter 1 - this daughter is the most normal. I could have regular conversations with her and she didn't have any crazy beliefs or "causes". Oh she has a hook for a hand.
Daughter 2 - (yeah you read that right #1 has a hook for a hand - awesome). Daughter 2 is more whacked-out. I went to her wedding. She was barefoot and her husband has a white-fro (a la Bob Ross). She changed her name when she got married (pretty normal eh?) Oh but she changed her first name!! She went from Roberta to Elisa!!! WTF? Then she switched back.
Daughter 3- This girl has the New York state license plate "No Nukes" - she has like a billion bumper stickers. I bet mentioning George Bush would put her into a killer rage. Her son, Jason, does not have a dad. I mean no one knows who it is. This is awesome because it allows my dad to say bastard like a million times every time we are driving to a reunion. "Will jason-the-bastard be there?" Then my mom yells at him - then he justifies bastard and says it like another million times

Okay, so this bunch was in charge of Gerry's memorial service. Gerry was Quaker. Not sure if you have ever been to a Quaker event - but here's the deal. There is no Rabbi or Priest - just a bunch of people sitting there. No one says anything - at some point when someone is inspired they stand and share a thought - then they sit down. Everyone is encouraged to quietly reflect on it. Then after a few minutes the process repeats. So you really have to hope that you don't fart.

Okay - so they plan the memorial (it is this upcoming weekend) I am not going because I spent my whole life in the car this past weekend. My mom told me it was at some reception hall. Okay - here's the clincher - they aren't paying for it. Gerry's estate isn't paying for it. They are collecting money at the door!?!! My Great Uncle's funeral has a fucking cover - I shit you not! Oh my God, questions started puring out of me, "Do the kids get in free? Is there a senior discount? Kids shorter than this line can't attend? Early Bird specials? Coupons?" Holy christ this is comic pay-dirt. I hope there is a bouncer and my dad gets all, "Jason-the-bastard" and they kick him out. Holy F that would be the coolest thing ever.

Oh - I am making my sister go and take notes on the ensuing crazy. I will post details next week.

My Thought

2005-04-06T13:36:00.000-04:00

So I have this burning question - it has been bothering me for months now. It is approaching the level of my ultimate unanswered question, "What is the deal with Canadian Thanksgiving?" I mean did they have Pilgrims and Indians too? Shamus is Canadian - but they are very tight lipped about the whole thing. Anyway my question is this, "How do new sign language signs get spread to all of the deaf people?"

Like say there is a new invention called Jusskins. The word doesn't exists - but at some point deaf people will have a sign for it. They will all have the same sign. How is the sign determined? Who passes it around? Why isn't it like the telephone game - where it gets all fucked up as it is passed from person to person. Do they have a show/website that they can look at, "Here are all of the new signs for this week. Schiavo... tsunami... " I am totally baffled. I mean I figure out how to say Jusskins because I can hear the f'ing commercial - but how do they learn the sign? It is killing me!!

Also, if I can learn how this passing of knowledge happens I could use it to make signs for hearing folks. Like when you are walking directly at someone and you get that weird little dance as you try to avoid each other. There could be a sign that means, "everyone go to their left" Then the collision would be avoided. Or a sign that means - don't hold the elevator, I am going to turn towards the bathrooms. Those would be really useful.

Bob Ross

2005-04-05T11:54:00.000-04:00

I am pretty sure you know who Bob Ross is - you may think you don't - but you do. He is this guy that makes paintings on PBS, he is white but has an afro... He talks about happy trees and happy clouds... he is awesome. Anyway, he's dead - sorry if you were unaware. But his legacy lives on via PBS. So I set my ReplayTV to record "The Joy of Painting". I watched the same episode like 6 times yesterday - it put me into some kind of hypnotic trance. I swear I could have had major surgery without anisthetic - I was that entranced. Has anyone seen this guy? Or experienced this phenomenon? Anyway - my ReplyTV will be capturing more Bob Ross in the future.

Daylight Savings Time

2005-04-04T10:01:00.000-04:00

I vistited my family in Western New York this weekend. When I was there I saw this documentary about the evolution of Daylight Savings - it talked about when it became law and standardized etc. It was pretty interesting. Some states and areas don't have the same rules for Daylight Savings which is funny - not funny 'ha ha' - funny I will fucking kill every last mother-fucker in the state of Pennsylvania. So like in Indiana and Arizona they don't do Daylight Savings - and in other places you "lose" an hour. But in Pennsylvania you lose 6 hours!!!

FUPA - is a funny word. You can go www.fupa.com and see a funny picture (make sure no one is standing directly behind you or they will look at you funny). Anyway - the definition of FUPA at urban Dictionary (link above) is the same definition I always had. But from now on FUPA means Fuck You Pennsylvania. I will forever refer to Pennsylvania as FUPA.

Here is my tale of woe with FUPA. Yesterday I left Western NY at 2pm. The trip to Cleveland is 4 hours with no kids and 5 hours with kids. So I figure we'll be rolling into C-town around 7ish. Not too bad - a bit later than I'd like but still okay. As we get farther west in NY the roads start getting shittier and shitter with snow and ice. Our average speed is about 45MPH on Interstate 90. We stop at a rest stop that is about 70 miles from the FUPA line and feed and change kids. We get back on the highway and there is a car off the road literally every mile for 10 miles. Then it spaces out to about every 3 miles. Needless to say people are shitty drivers. We press on.

At 5pm we hit the FUPA line (so it took 3 hours - it normally only takes 2). We get 4.1 miles into FUPA and we come to a stop. Darn - must be an accident (or a suicide). So we stop for a minute. I figure I'll tune the radio and get some traffic info. Oh this area must not have an AM station so I search FM. I get to an FM station 94.7 (Froggy FM). This asshole on this station keeps referring to times that indicate to me he hasn't changed his clock - nice work shit bag. He gives out some phone number to call for more info on traffic. I call it once but it is busy. My cell battery has one nugget left so I call my mom and have her call the number until she can get through. We have been sitting - in the same exact spot for 1 hour. We finally decide to get the kids out of their seats so the can move around.

My mom calls back and says, "90 is closed - there are no passible roads through Erie. The guy at the 'barracks' recommends just exiting and bunkering down." Oh, cool - so at zero MPH I will reach the next exit.... NEVER you fucking moron barracks douche bag. So we "play" in the car and listen to the radio - flipping to find any kind of additional info. Another hour goes by and people are walking around their cars. NO cars are going by us EastBound - so things are fucked in that direction too. Enter - "the Shoveler".

No plows have gone by in either direction. No police have driven/flown by. The Emergency Broadcasting System is not activated. The guy on Froggy still thinks it is an hour ago and is giving me weather updates for an hour ago. It is snowing pretty hard when a guy walks over to the median. He has a staff of somekind and he is measuring the snow depth. It varies - but it is between 2 and 4 feet deep. We watch a German Shepard try to "its business" and fail to make it through the snow. At the same time "the Shoveler" appears. He looks like an every day citizen - but he isn't he has a shovel and he starts digging a path from the WestBound lanes to the Eastbound ones via the median. It is 2-4 feet deep and about 50 feet across x a car width wide. That is what he is going for! So he starts digging. We watch for about an hour - he is digging away. Once he hits the 1/2 way point other people go out to help. They are using the floor mats of their cars to dig out. After about 30 minutes more they have made it!

So this path now exists - it has been over 3 hours. The first car (a trail rated Jeep Cherokee) lines up and goes through the path. It makes it - people honk and cheer. (It is just like in Empire Strikes Back when the Rebels launch their ships and the base announces "the first ships are away - the first ships are away" and the Rebels cheer). In Die Hard 2, when Bruce Willis blows up the bad guy's plane leaving a long streak of jet fuel on the run way, he yells there's your landing lights!!! Tell them to follow the flames!! [other guy] They already know!! And the planes all land safely. Well other cars shot the gap following just like that - with no instruction. A Chevy Avalanche, a Geo Tracker!!!, a couple others - then a Pontiac goes through - but doesn't make it. I told my wife I was going to help push if anyone got stuck. But back on the ranch my kids are both screaming.... Oh, also traffic is moving... So sorry Pontiac guy - we are the fuck OUT OF HERE!

We move .1 miles. I shit you not. We moved .1 miles after almost 4 fucking hours. My wife has to pee. She proceeds to get out of the car and pee right in front of it. I get out and do the same. I wish I had a poo - I'd love to shit on FUPA. Oh, speaking of shit... During the 4 hour ordeal - I have had the worst, smelliest, foulest gas of my entire life. I am not fucking kidding - I thought the troopers would find us assfixiated. It was AWFUL!!

We sit 1 more hour and start moving a little bit more - then another stop. Finally (after over 5 hours a .4 miles) we start to move a bit faster. We get to the exit (that has always be 2 miles away). They force everyone off the highway (A cop car blocks the highway). We get to the bottom of the ramp - in 5 hours FUPA's finest have managed to put up NO signs, no one is directing traffic. It is fucking ANARCHY! We cross over the center of the road and turn around (there are some douches blocking the on ramp). I get out of the car and say, "Any suggestions?" (What I want to say is I will kill every last one of you lazy, useless, worthless pieces of shit. Your level of incompetence is so fucking unfathamable I will fucking destroy you. The goddamn Iraqis would rebuild a bridge over night after Allied airstrikes in the first Gulf War. REBUILD a bridge overnight - you can't plow and salt a road in 5 goddamn hours!!! But I restrain myself). He says, "If you are going to Cleveland you can take this road 5 miles south and get on 86 - that will connect you back to the 90." Wow - that was surprisingly helpful.

So I drive the 5 miles - the "road" is a disaster of ice and snow. I get to the 86 and immediately realize that I am not getting on. There is a 6 foot snow drift where the entrance to the 86 is supposed to be - there are cops and trucks all over. No one is moving. Something clicks in the wife - her brain says rage. She gets out and I can tell by her hands that she is MF'ing some cops up and down for the sins of some assholes 5 miles away. She comes back and says there is a "shelter" a few miles away - with cots, food and water. Fuck that - I am getting out of FUPA - oh and I am going back and killing the fuckers that told us to use 86. We turn around. I am planning the deaths of the fuckers that told me to go to 86. When we get back to their spot... they are... gone! The ramp is open - the highway is open - it is clear. We have no issues passing the road. However, there are 1000's of cars stopped on the far side of the road. So after sucking away 6 hours of my life we escape. I get home at 2am. Fuck you FUPA!!!!!

More on (moron) gas prices

2005-03-31T16:42:00.000-05:00

I made a previous post about gas prices going up towards $2.50/gallon. So, since that post prices have gone up more. So the news sent a team out to see the man on the street. They interview some guy, "This is Bill from Cleveland - Bill is only getting $5 worth of gas - because it is all he can afford." So they cut to the guy filling his tank - he makes some comment about how expensive gas is getting and I shit-you-not he has a carton of cigarettes in one hand and a coffee mug in the other. Well.... that looks like about $20 worth of crap you probably could forgo shithead.

My gripe isn't with gas prices its with the actual price. Let me clarify. I don't mind paying $2.29/gallon for gas. I DO mind paying $2.29⁹/gallon. What the fuck is that? Pennies are stupid and useless - but fractions of pennies? That is total bullshit. I think all of the stations need to band together and just agree to shit-can the fraction of a penny. They all do it and it annoys the shit out of me.

I am a food racist

2005-03-30T15:50:00.000-05:00

I figured this ot last night - I am a food racist. I hate black food. I don't mean I hate the food that is associated with African Americans. [I don't think we should be talking about this]

What I mean is I hate foods that are the color black. We had biscuits last night and the bottom of mine got burnt. Ummmmm.... no thanks. Sorry - too black for me. Same goes for hamburgers - medium is good - but once it blackens up, I am out - I can't eat it. Ever go to a cookout and there is a platter of hotdogs - I always go for the pink ones. Some people grab the Chernobyl leftovers that are singed beyond recognition - gross!! I hate banana's that have turned black - they are nasty. If I am eat a non-black banana and I see a black patch I ditch the whole thing. Burnt marshmallows? I just dump them into the fire - or pull off the black shell and eat the white goodness (damn I *am* a food racist). Black jellybeans? Are people for real eating these? And black licorice? No one is eating that shit.